Thank you all for previous comments about my dilemma with parents who live in their own home and refuse to supplement sibling care with home health care 2-3 days a week. Sibs have been providing 24/7 care and are losing it. The one sibling who Mom ALWAYS listens to says "No way anyone is coming into this house". So I just made the decision to stand up for myself and schedule two days with one overnite per week to assist my parents in their home. I feel so freed and energized already!
We had a family meetinG as suggested jand asked our mother what kinds of help whe and Dad need and if sibs have already been doing it (and we have), what has worked and what hasn't. Biggest needs are mornings with Dad's meds, dressing, etc. and evenings before bed with meds. We asked Mom if she could handle even two nights a week after Dad goes to bed) until someone would come at 8:30 am (before we wake him). She might have to wake up at 7:00 am. if he happens towake up early by himself.. She said she could not say. "Things change, I take it day to day".
We then re-introduced topic of bringing in home care 2-3 days a week for 5 hours (8:30 am -1:30 pm) which we had proposed even before her heart issues. We discussed that their needs will only increase with time and they and the sibs need the help that many elderly use to remain in their home with proper care and safety. She again refused "If I have to do it myself, I will". So this is the best I can do. Nothing will change if sibs continue to 24/7. Who knows, maybe the "favorite son" will take it all over.
apologize now if I don't seem supportive or sympathic. But here is what I'm wondering and predicting: I'm not sure how many siblings you have but I'm going to assume that some of you are married with families of your own. What's going to happen when someone wants to take a family vacation? Or someone's scheduled shift falls on a spouses birthday or one of their children? Pretty soon people are going to be trading shifts, missing shifts, saying they'll make it up - but that never seems to happen and the majority of the care of your parents will be done by one or two if you. Thing is, you're all adults with your own lives - you're entitled to go on vacation, have a birthday get-away, it's perfectly reasonable. But the one or two that end up doing the majority of the work are going to get angry and bitter - and that's reasonable as well. But here's the part that gets me - while you and your siblings - and in turn - your spouses and children are juggling cats to do your shifts with your parents - your parents are chugging along with a minimum of adjustments or sacrifice. Sure - their lives aren't easy now, sounds like dad is having issues and in spite of her fatalistic, martyr comments - your mom isn't up to taking care of your dad. It's sad, but isn't that more or less the path a persons life follows, if they live long enough? But instead of your parents doing the adjustments and sacrifices necessary to live their lives - they have how many of you - including spouses and children adjusting your lives? How on earth can anyone see this as reasonable? Would it really be so Godawful to allow a hired caregiver into their home? I'm sorry to say my little crystal ball is not showing me a lot of happy campers nor a positive outcome if this is the senerio everyone is determined to play out.
This was what got my mom to agree to go to Independent Living. After three successive days of "emergencies" and me driving from 50 miles to "rescue" mom...I sat her down and said
"Mom, I can't do this anymore". This did not seem to be a problem for her (me wearing myself out). I said "Mom, (favorite child) is going to die of a heart attack rushing to rescue you". that got her attention. She was ensconced in Independent Living a few weeks later.
Was it a smooth transition? No. there was a disastrous weeklong stop at Assisted Living, a place where several other family members were living, which we didn't' research because the others were all quite happy. Not a good fit for us, or for mom.
In between these two facilities there was a trip to the ER, a several day stay, some delusional days and a visit from a geriatric psychiatrist. THAT was the best thing we ever did, requesting the GeriPsych consult. Gave us a good over view of mom's needs.