Could this be the MOST dysfunct family story that you’ve EVER heard? My goal: to take mom home so she can live out last days with dignity!

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I am taking time (that I really don’t have) hoping that someone (with legal background, etc.) may be able to offer some advice or knowledge! *************************** So my adult brother (who sustained a brain injury prior to puberty) & I have never had a “close relationship." Aside from special occasions w/ our parents, he would only come around when he wanted something from me (usually to hook up with a gf of mine). But he made it a priority to always bring to my parents attention, every mistake that I made (even though he was making a lot of the same mistakes). Also filling the air with untruths where I was concerned. I never could understand why he seemed oblivious to the emotional pain & distress that it caused them (especially Mom). My reaction was not to react! As it seemed the more loving approach, it was more important to me that they have peace rather than me feeling that I needed to prove myself. As it became clear to me that I was suffering emotionally from such encounters, I over time stepped back (as I had my family depending on me at home). Boy, am I regretting that now! Mom has been suffering from Sjogren's syndrome so when symptoms flared on/off b/t 2000-06 I was caring for Mom physically during day until Dad got home from work. Once Dad was laid-off he was their full time. I had my 2nd son in 2006 & she was tickled, hitting every thrift store in 50 mile radius! She was coming by 4-5 times a week. Gave her another grandson (#3) in 2008. In 2011 she was selected by Nation Institute of Health to take part in reasearch study that accepts only 100 people annually. So in Jan while she & Dad were away I decided to go overhaul her house (it was more than cluttered). Asking brother for key only prompted him to want to be golden child (to take credit for such a gesture) I don’t know... upon my arrival that day an argument insued & he pulled his hand gun on me. 2 yrs later 7 mos pregnant with 4th grandchild (1st girl) I stopped by, mom asked why havent you been by? I simply said “the last time I was here, your son pulled a gun on me & I don’t feel welcome” she really didn’t say anything else about that...we talked here & there by phone & she helped me name new baby girl, once daughter was 3weeks old I stopped by with 8yo son to introduce baby girl. Mom was concerned about cleanliness of her home & stated “my house isn’t suitable for your kids”! I insisted & it was amazing. She did mention that day that dad was having memory trouble that was painfully frustrating to him. As time went on, I would invite her over periodically but she’d always have a reason why she “couldn’t” come but was managing travel to & into my brothers house. The more my feelings were being hurt the less often I’d offer. When daughter was 11 yrs old I was overwhelmed by the surprise birth of baby #5! That took quite some time to adjust to. We seemed to have lost touch... then in 2017 when going by their home I was surprised to see they were no longer receiving mail (box gone), nor were they living there any longer. My only option was to contact brother who I knew would not be forthcoming with info... so I pounded my brain & researched anything offered online. Discovered my dad had died 10/29/16 & NO ONE CONTACTED ME! So I began checking his FB (which I’ve never done w/my busy life) checking for mom where I could. Just at my breaking point & on verge of calling him, received a call last Friday from someone who was contacted by my mom's brother & wife. They had asked her to lmk Mom was in hospital & not doing well. Of course I went, we cried, hugged, we talked A LITTLE. Took now 12yo son to visit following day & I made it clear to her that I had lost to much time spent with her but she seemed most concerned about “things upsetting Adam”!?! When I mentioned coming to see her (since he’d pulled her from her home) she said “no, can’t, Adam won’t let you” wtf?!😳 So on my way to this 2nd visit is when I learned that mom was placed in rehab, following a hospitalization (Sept 2016) & that left my dad home w/o mom with dementia ALONE (progressed enough it was a fight to get him motivated for dr appts & such). Adam agreed to go by there to check on him, be sure he was eating , give him meds (once a day, I’m assuming) which is ridiculous, but what’s worse around oct 9th, Adam decided to leave town for FL to work hurricane recovery & told no one he was leaving! For God knows # of days Dad was home alone, no meds, no care, no food, no water, I’m certain no power & couldn’t get out to drive himself if he’d been lucid enough due to hurricane flooding. A # of days later mom realized Adam is MIA & sent uncle to check. Dad is on floor, T-shirt & depends under mom’s lifted chair in catatonic state. EMS couldn’t get stretcher in home, fireman had to take him out on sheet to ambulance, at hospital provider says “this is not good, he’ll never come out of here” asked who had been responsible for dad & was given info yet no report to APS?!

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I'm not a lawyer, just someone who has worked the system a bit.

My advise is to immediately contact the hospital social worker and let them know what happened with your father (providing any details you have documented or the social worker could get access to like name of hospital and date your dad was brought in) and state you do not want your mother going home under your brother's care because you are fearful of his neglect. The social worker may be able to tell you whether your brother is your mother's POA. If not, he cannot directly prevent you from visiting her. If your brother is POA, then he can restrict your access.

Please remember that your mother has been dependent on your brother - he has been all she had so she doesn't want to upset him and risk his abandonment. Dependency changes people and it sounds like your brother may have been working on isolating your mother for some time.

Next I would contact APS. They can investigate and if they determine there has been any neglect, then they can take guardianship of your mother. At that point, they would most likely you allow you to visit. You may be able to bring your mother to your home, but it's more likely Mom will be placed in an appropriate facility and you will be allowed to visit and maybe take her out for day trips. A lot depends on your mother's health and what your brother tells APS about you. Your uncle would likely be interviewed too.

You could try to gain guardianship of your mother, but that will take time and money.
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