Coping with older age, and how to make new friends, for us and our elders.

I have very good friends for decades.
I invest time and effort into friendships
Like dinner parties, going out with for events or simple meals.
Some we traveled the world with.
with many we took trips with staying at the same apartments, it was funny and awful at times.
All forgiven and we laugh.
Some we will travel with soon.
I am well aware of need to make new friends as well, some moved or will be moving, two others are starting caregiving for parents, some will work forever.
I am not against some community events to meet people but it seems awkward and forced.
I need different ideas.

Willie is correct, not too many sheep where I live in NJ which is called the Garden State. My Mom was raised on a dairy farm. Which there are a lot of here in S Jersey. Also soy beans and this year a lot of corn. My GFs Dad was a tomato farmer. We had a Heinz plant in the next town. We have some sheep but mutton is not a meat well liked here. There are not enough raised for their wool so have no idea why some farmers have them.

I for one knew exactly what you were talking about Margaret, (but of course I grew up on a farm 😉). But we wouldn't have called it nutting and tailing, and local farmers don't raise many sheep, it's mostly pigs, cattle or poultry.

Interesting, I posted earlier on this thread about the jobs of ‘nutting and tailing the lambs’ (which we actually did today) and then thought that I would get people questioning what ‘nutting’ meant and being upset about it and tailing. I grew up thinking that the USA had a ‘farming’ culture, and then was surprised to find how alien farming was to many posters. On a farm, you can’t think that meat comes plastic-wrapped on styrofoam trays.

I’m feeling a bit better than when I first posted this question (partly thanks (very much) to the responses), but I still see it as a major issue in my post-76 life. I’m seeing it as about making ME feel better, not about ACHIEVING something worthwhile – which was my previous life! It’s quite a big change for me… And thank you, folks!

I live in an over-55 retirement community. There’s an openness to new people and plenty to do if we wish. Also we have lots of resources from borrowing medical equipment to advice on veterans affairs to free entertainment. Notary service is free right here, and there are wonderful clubs to join. A bank in the community as well as restaurants, dentists, lawyers, doctors, and yard service included in the reasonable HOA fees. People who stay in their hoarded-up houses so they can die there while inconveniencing their adult children don’t know what they’re missing.

All my local friends happen to be 5-10 years older than me , just worked out that way when we moved to a different state 18 years ago . They have been retired . Between my caregiving and working they got used to waiting for me to suggest getting together . Now some are dealing with health issues or babysitting grands a lot and I still work part time so it can be tough to pick a lunch date .

I kept in touch with one of my mother's friends after my mother died. She was also a widow. She ended up having quite a social life from her 3 or so grief groups. Group members would go out for lunch, etc. after the meetings.

Geaton, this is what I have told one friend of 69 yrs that keeps saying "we have to get together". I agree, but we have to make the time, like a date. At 74 her DH still works a f/t job. Summers are the slowest for him. She lives about 30 min from me in another state with a bridge between us. Not bad but not a "drop in" kind of thing. I tell her she has the working husband. Need to make a date.

Senior Center? We don't have one where I live. There was a small one but as members died off, it went by the wayside. No one wants to get things organized. I am not an organizer and at 74, really don't want to try.

My Mom had her Church. At 78 she was a Widow and there were a number of them in the Church. So she had her socialization.

A popular radio talk show host I listened to for many years used to say that you "date" friends to see if they're worthwhile to invest in. I agree with this. Having lived in the same community since 1986, I have many acquaintences and friends and I decided that the ones who never contact me first, I will now weed them out and just focus on the ones who put an effort into our relationship.

I also feel it is important for the older generations to make an effort to mingle with the younger ones and we need to be proactive as possible to do this. I just joined a nightime weekly bible study at our church. Our church is growing and there's many new members that I don't know. This new weekly gathering gives me the chance to get to know many awesome young women (and some older ones, too!) on another level. The older generation has so much experience and wisdom to contribute. Why hide that light under a basket?

Also, rubbing up against the younger crowd is good for us. If elders feel invisible I think it is often because they *make* themselves invisible. The choose it. We have to make the effort to stay engaged and be relevant. The internet helps a lot with this. And this is also why we should look forward to self-driving cars: so we can go out on dark and snowy nights to a gathering and not worry about the conditions -- or getting lost!

Way, you are such a sensible person, I value reading your posts. If your ‘pondering’ about friendship comes up with ideas I haven’t considered, please let us know!

I’ve been pondering this myself lately .
I lost touch with a few friends years ago during my first two caregiving stints . And I didn’t have a lot of time to see the others either . At the time I had two friends I worked with , so I saw them a lot and that was great . They were great friends to me when my parents were declining . But then they retired and one moved away . The other is very busy being a grandma .
Then Covid hit . Now I’ve been trying to get to see some friends. My two best friends have cancer now . And three other friends are doing a lot of grandma duties . It seems nobody is available .

Here in the country it’s very hard for newcomers to ‘break in’ socially. It was for my sister on the west coast (of South Australia) too. It helps if you have kids in the local school, and for men you need to have played in the local amateur football team. Otherwise you never really ‘fit in’.

When we got here 20+ years ago, and were doing our ‘best practice’ attempts on the farm, we were invited to join a couple of local landcare environmental groups. We turned them down on the basis that we had time to do it or to talk about it, but not both. It was ‘the right thing’ at the time, but the other choice might have made things easier now. Neither of us are ‘believers’, other than in the ideas of the Sermon on the Mount, which makes the easy Church options really hypocritical.

Alice Springs has always been a town with many transients, and the long term locals usually have adult children who have moved to every place in Oz, so it’s not so locally focussed. It will be easier when we are there permanently. But I will still have to pull my finger out and try!

Margaret - I sincerely wish for an adult drop in centre, it doesn't have to be geared to seniors. In the past on my lonely days I sometimes resorted to reading the newspaper at the local coffee shop and eavesdropping on the other patrons.

My aunt was thrilled when she got an invite to join a members only coffee klatsch - I'm not sure why they were so snobbish about it because it was just a bunch of local women meeting up at the local diner for coffee and gossip.

Another aunt used to bemoan her lonely life after she was widowed, she tried joining clubs and classes but invariably the other people were there with friends and family and she always felt like an outsider. She finally found a community when she joined a church choir - we thought she got a little sanctimonious after that but I think she was happier.

My own mom was very isolated after her macular degeneration caused her to lose her driving license but found a group of other women to chat with on the phone - I was amused because some of those same small town women would never have socialized in the past, but their shared histories and family connections brought them together when their previous social circles disappeared.

One of my great aunts married for the first time in her mid 70's, her husband brought with him a whole family, including grand kids. We were always grateful they accepted her completely and took such good care of her!

My bachelor uncle always had a gang of men hanging about sharing drinks and laughs, I suppose his lesson would be to keep your liquor cabinet well stocked and allow all comers.

I almost forgot the card parties and clubs! Bridge clubs, Solo clubs, but especially euchre parties used to be very big here, so much so that they actually posted the winners in the local paper. But I'm not sure if they are still a thing 🤔

I’m involved in a bunch of activities at church. The thing about activities is that they have a beginning and an ending, and then people just head home.

I’ve found that I had to just take the plunge and ask a couple of interesting people from these activities if they would like to meet for coffee or for lunch.

No one has said no, yet! 😅 Coffee is just enough time to really get to know someone.

It’s a bit scary, but I’ve gotten some sweet friends this way. So, it was worth putting myself out there. 😃

It’s helpful to write this all down, so please forgive me if I am talking to myself. I have two separate problems, one here on the isolated farm, and the other when we complete the move to Alice Springs where I don’t have any ‘old friends’. We’ve sold the farm! - with an extended rent-back while we shift all DH’s equipment to Alice. Here on the farm my jobs for today include bagging up asbestos for safe disposal, and getting ready to yard the sheep tomorrow, tail and nut the lambs etc. I’m not doing too badly for 76, just not as well as I used to do, but I have to pace myself for pain, and I’m still lonely. Sheep are very poor conversationalists.

Of more general interest, your comments have made me think more about the activities at the Seniors Center in Alice. I realise that they are usually ‘led’ by someone who arrives and opens up, leads the activity, and then closes up ASAP. What’s missing is the time to chat over a cup of something, which gives you the opportunity to make friends with the other participants. I might think about that some more, and have a talk with the powers-that-be when we get back. The exercise class is an end in itself, but most of the other activities (even the ukelele group) could give a stronger focus on personal interaction. It’s worth noting that arthritis in the hands actually interferes with many ‘appropriate’ activities, like knitting and crochet.

Thanks to all of you for keeping me thinking about how to solve my problems (and other people’s problems too). Yours, Margaret

Margaret, I get where you are coming from. I just retired, and realized I have 2 great friends,( and other not so close friends) who also have their own lives! So I joined the local Senior Center and go to a balance and exercise class there, its fun and I am meeting new people, And the community where we have our vacation home has a FB page , and the ladies are always posting about get togethers for each other. We are only there 9 months a year on and off, but this week a new member is hosting a movie night,, and I will be there so I am going out of my confort zone and going! We tend to hang out with the same few people, so I am hoping some will be there, but if not I will meet some others at least! And I will be making an effort to get together with some of my friends I worked with. It;s a challenge to be sure.

JoAnn, you gave your answer in DH “is my best friend. We do everything together”. DH is my own best friend, but we can’t do everything together because he is an engineer with a massive shed of machinery, and I can’t do too many physical things now. I think the loneliness in old age comes when we lose a partner or lose the ability to keep doing things that occupied us earlier. Filling the gaps is the problem I raised.

It’s an important part of the problems in caring for someone at home. They can be very lonely indeed, alone in a room all day while their ‘jobs’ are done for them somewhere else in the house. Loneliness is surely behind a lot of the ‘shadowing’, the demanding behavior, and the lack of real appreciation for all the “jobs” that get done out of sight.

I’m still thinking about the ukelele clubs, which are such a strange phenonomen. (I've lost the spelling even!) But I am very glad to get these responses, to make me think about being constructive about options. Thank you, site friends!

This sounds a little blunt but having friends has never really done anything for me. At 74, most have just gone their separate ways long ago. Our lives just did not parallel ea other. And I really don't want to go looking for new ones. About 15 yrs our Church combined the 2 morning services for lack of parishioners. This meant that there were people who never met each other. So, he thought it was a good idea for each of us to invite one these people for coffee or out to lunch so we could get to know them better. I looked at my Mom, 80 at the time, and said "I don't want any new friends" she said either did she.

At this time I have my DH. He is my best friend. We do everything together. I had lunch with a friend a few weeks back. Out of 4 of us I was the only one married and sort of made to feel an outcast because I still had my husband. Oh yes, widows band together.😁

I don't think I will ever go looking for friends even as a widow. If one happens to pop in my life, OK.

Oh gosh, after my late husband died over 3 years ago now, I have made sure that I'm getting out and about almost every day. Now I am just 64 years old, so that isn't "old" yet, but I have found new friends volunteering, at church, our local Shepherd Center, and just walking in my neighborhood.
But now I am a people person and I get that not everyone is. And while I enjoy being with my friends, I do also just enjoy being by myself occasionally piddle putzing around my house and yard.
I think it's important to have a healthy balance of the 2.

I haven't. I have less than a handful of friends I've know since my teens and we try to get together once a month, and other than my sister I mightn't even talk to another human being for days or weeks at a time.
(is it any wonder I'm still here on AgingCare?)

I am quite reclusive. At any age that has been the case. I was the kid hiding in my room at family reunion time with her Mom at the door saying "Hon, won't you come out a while and visit; everyone LOVES you". Hee hee, I am still the same. I admit that it does leave you without a community to lean on but I find that most people do use community and friends for just that, to lean on.

I enjoy social media, but it is basically an hour in the a.m. and an hour later in the day to catch up with Facebook friends, and etc. I feel like I know and enjoy them all. But I don't get deep into their lives and it is how I like it.

I would say that since my brother's death I miss that ONE FRIEND I was close to in almost every way. The rest in my life are acquaintances. Family is enough for me.

I often think that those who had faithbased community, knitting club, quilting club, library lecture friends, are lucky. But I am much like what my bro explained to me. He had close neighbors and he said when they had a party and he WAS NOT invited, he would look over at the lights, the cocktails, the laughter and long to be there. But when he WAS THERE having been invited, he looked back at the lights of his little place on the river and longed to be home.

I think for those who long for companionship it is not difficult to find. On Lok in my city provides daily lunches. Some stay to have their BP measured; some stay for a few hands of rummy. There are, like I said, any number of things like church (for believers), volunteering, guilting clubs, and etc. Even movies at the library with discussions after in my city. So I watch. I consider. But basically I stay on my solitary walks and in my garden and doing dog fostering quite happily. I have a dear partner. That makes a difference. But even we are sometimes ships passing in the night (or day) as we go about our own "thing".

Interesting question, Margaret.

I live in a suburban metro area so I'm guessing options will depend upon where one lives. Margaret, I get the feeling you live is a fairly rural location...

Sometimes it helps to be the leader of something. Maybe contact all the car club wives and suggest a separate/tandem activity for all the you all while the guys are meeting up: talk about interesting places to drive/travel to, plan a pot-luck dinner on club nights, think about how to apply the car club talents to benefit those less fortunate, etc). Maybe just start by asking the wives to meet and see if they're even interested, and get their input for suggestions.

Back in the early/mid 2000's when scrap metal had high value, our church started a scrap metal "ministry" that involved locating/picking up, sorting/disassembling. Let me tell you it was great fun for many years: our family and 3 young (at the time) sons (and other kids) loved going around on Junk Day (in our communities) collecting and then being able to smash, hammer, drill and deconstruct all sorts of items. Both adult men and women at church joined in to help in this unique activity. The proceeds helped pay off a building bond for our church. This is certainly an unusual example but the point is to be creative.

Also at my church is a group of women who like to sew. They make fleece blankets to donate to shelters, and create items to add to Operation Christmas Child holiday shoeboxes. The older women teach the younger ones (even middle and high schoolers). This is not a formal ministry -- it just needs one person to keep it going.

Consider taking a risk and be the host of such activities or the leader/starter, like a neighborhood bible study. Here in the States Nextdoor.com is a very handy tool to stay connected with neighbors and surrounding communities.

Consider doing something outside of your wheelhouse. Join a group or club on the premise that you're trying this "new thing" on for size.

- Mentoring
- Community enhancement/support
- Wildlife/nature conservation

etc.

When we are young, we often share things with people much our own age (like children at school, or playing a sport as a young adult). As we have more life behind us, our present and our past all get more complicated. How can you have a new ‘friend’ who knows nothing about that?

My husband has done well by joining a car club. The guys all talk about cars they have known and loved and tinkered with, and it’s something in common. At the same time, they share their past, as a side conversation. You learn about their lives gradually, long after you learn about how they fixed up their first old bomb. I need to make more of an effort to get to know the women/ wives in the car club, which is more difficult when all we have in common is playing second fiddle to cars!

I tried getting involved with a craft center, but found that virtually all crafts involve stretching your arms out in front of you, and that upsets my difficult back. I tried on a non-profit management committee, and found that it was hopeless - in spite of (or because?) I had worked as a well-paid consultant sorting out the problems they had. I am thinking of volunteering for an OpShop, because I am free when they have staffing problems in school holidays (when mothers are busy with children, and grandmothers are busy with grandchildren).

What about you? Any ideas for when all the trials are over? When too many of the family are dead? The news program suggested joining a Ukelele players club, which was certainly one out of left field!