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I go back and forth with my 86 year old dad. He's a good person, generous, kind, etc., and I know it could be a lot worse. However, he is making me nuts at times.

How do I describe it? He's annoying, needy, relentless, self absorbed and rude. He was a traveling salesman and gone most of the time when I was growing up so my mom really raised me and my brothers. She has very good manners and even at 91 is happy spending time by herself. She wouldn't think of dropping in on someone without calling first and she is always polite. She has some problems now with dementia, but she tries to be neat and have good table manners.

My dad is the complete opposite. He will call at 7 AM, drop in unexpectedly, his table manners are disgusting, and although he can take an interest in what's going on with me and my husband, I feel like he only asks so he can get it over with and move on to HIM! He has done so many annoying things since retiring and having me nearby that I've already gone into counseling once and recently I scheduled myself to see someone again.

He is extremely social and wants to have something to do every day of the week. So, even though he has friends, goes to the senior center and also has hobbies, he still clings to me.

He still drives, but I can see that we are getting to a point where it won't be much longer before that needs to end and I'm truly dreading it.

My husband and I moved to my parents' community about 8 years ago and bought their property. We built on a few acres of it, but let them stay in their home, only asking them to pay property insurance on their home and part of the taxes. I have had every intention of helping them and we have.

From the day we moved into our newly built house my dad was unbelievably obnoxious. He would walk into our house unannounced, whenever the mood hit. We had to talk to him about that. There have been so many problems with him invading our space that I could write a book. When I've tried talking to him, he has actually hung up on me and I swear I was not yelling or emotional, just trying to get him to see it from our point of view.

Recently my husband had foot surgery and my dad wanted to come to the hospital, but it was day surgery and, frankly, my husband I didn't want to deal with my parents. We kept my dad at bay by telling him we didn't have an exact time (which was actually true until the day before). Dad called about 3 times that week and then he called again after the surgery. I told him everything went fine and he wanted to know if we wanted to go out for dinner!!! I told him we couldn't do that for at least a week. Dad left us alone for one day and then decided to drop in. Neither of us wanted to see him so we didn't answer the door. So after leaving my dad called and I didn't answer. Then he called again and I still didn't answer. The next thing I knew he was back again and this time he used his key to let himself into our house.

I know a lot of people are going to say something about the fact that he was concerned, etc., but Dad wears me out. When he walked into the house I confronted him and I'll admit I was upset. He kept saying he was worried and I felt like saying, "it was foot surgery not his heart!"

I don't know what I'm asking here. I guess I just needed to vent. My dad is wearing me out and although I want to be a good daughter, he just won't give me a chance to take a break.

I think I read more stuff about manipulate mothers, but I'm here to tel you my dad is the King when it comes to that!

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no ones answered me.
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That's sad, and so hurtful. Just remember, it's not about you! He has issues. Happy Birthday whenever it is (and spend it with someone who truly appreciates wonderful you)!!!
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Oh my gosh, that sounds like my Dad, and I feel like such a "bad" daughter for being so irritated with him, but I can't help it. He's emotionally needy with me, yet puts everyone else first. Others opinion of him is REALLY important so he'll get things for other people but has NEVER remembered my Birthday.
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Your dad has used you for a door mat. STOP laying down for him.

Change the locks. Tell him point blank... You would like him to visit, but only when it is a good time for you. He must call first, and NOT come over if he doesn't TALK to you first.

You need to start protecting your self and your relationship with your husband. This is only going to get worse if you don't stop it
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Wow To Their Daughter give a hug. Thank You for your response.
As you said your Dad and mine just seem to need constant attention.
It's draining, I work so our time spent together is maybe once a week and on the phone daily. The problem is he's never satisfied.
I would never do that to my children. They need their space.
I see my son and daughter in-law no more than once every 4-6 weeks. They're happy to visit but I enjoy the weekends that we can relax and do things at home.
It's sad to not have hobbies or interests at that age . Some older people do , not all.
Have a great weekend.
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Don't feel bad, Arcmiddle! This is the place to vent!! Just because your dad is difficult, and you have the good sense to know you couldn't have him living with you, doesn't mean you don't love him. I NEVER could have had my dad living with us!!! First, my husband would have left me; and second, I would have ended up hating my dad, and there's nothing good about that. My mom told me she never wanted to live with us because it was so unfair to a marriage, and she was right.

You can just read thought all the posts within AgingCare to see how miserable people are having parents living in their homes. Im sure there are exceptions, but it's not the norm!

My dad didn't have as much energy as yours, BUT he still wore me out. It was the constant need to have contact and then hardly focus on anything I had to say. How many times did he interrupt to talk about something that had nothing to do with the current topic?! Sometimes he listened, but if it didn't interest him, then forget it.

Good luck, and don't let guilt make you do anything you'll regret! ;-)
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I feel bad saying all this but if his personality was more like my daughter, son, husband and myself he could live with us. I could not cope with this level of activity since we all work and are tired at night.
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I always thought it was me. My 89 year old Dad is in better shape and has more energy than all my family put together. He 's on the go from 4:00am and will still be awake at 10 or 11 pm. But is's all about him, conversation with him when I call in the evening after work is all about what he did, what he ate and how he feels. He goes on and on and doesn't hear anything I say. I can cope with this but don't dare disagree with him or he goes nuts . He's always right and his world is everyones world. Again I'm venting. He sees us once a week. but thats not enough. He never sits and watches television. Moving around constantly and talking are his activities.
my daughter and son said he may have ADHD,
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Ohhh, this site is so interesting! My husband and I have been helping my mom one way or another since we married 23 yrs ago. She is a control freak, and an extreme micromanager, so as she has gotten more needy, she is getting more helpers - not us, so much, thank God! My husband has told me he wants me to only go to her apt no more than 2x a week, so that helps, tho when she REALLY needs us, we go. The thing is, she won't let us help with anything except what SHE wants us to do; no POA, no medical info (won't give me copies, so I don't know what she has), will not let me go in at the dr.'s office, unless she is in crisis, and out of it from her meds (her issue is bad pain, not dementia, tho hard to tell sometimes....) . So other people help her mostly, and that works for us, now..... there is some guilt stress, tho, and this site helps a lot - thank you all!
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Whenever I get a notification on this subject, I have the opportunity to reread my original post. I'm always amazed at how much I've forgotten, and then I remember how hard it was!!! My dad died October 17, 2012, FIVE years ago!!!

I think most people will say they love their parents, and I always wonder what that means. It's difficult to comprehend when all you're reading about is how obnoxious and demanding a parent is, but I think we all throw in the "love" part as a way of letting ourselves and everyone else know that despite our anger, there's a reason we keep putting up with their bad behavior. Yes, there were good things about my dad, and I know that he loved me, so I felt like he deserved my respect. However, that did not give him the right to walk all over me and my husband. It honestly took some therapy for me to finally understand that.

I'm certain my dad had ADHD in spades. It runs in my family, and one of my brothers and I both have it to differing degrees. Fortunately, we are both more aware and have worked on ourselves and our relationships in positive ways. But this wasn't the case with my dad, so it wasn't always fun being around him (although sometimes it was).

I'm guessing it's kind of the same with your dad. I was married to an alcoholic for about 5 years, and he could be fun, but he could also make my life miserable. He wasn't my dad, so it was a lot easier to get out. I guess my point is, I've been around alcoholics and if they can't manage to get help to keep it under control, then it never gets better. I'm sorry for you in that regard.

But here's what I think you need to consider: your children. Why are they still dealing with an alcoholic grandfather? Do you ever wonder how that impacts them? You said that you would never treat your children the way you allow your dad to treat you, but what are you teaching them? Maybe it won't be you who is the problem. Maybe they'll end up in relationships that put them in the same situation (married to that poor alcoholic or have a spouse with an alcoholic parent), and how do you think they're going to handle it? Because, frankly, you haven't been much of a role model in that regard. Okay, I know someone is going to complain that I'm being harsh, but I'm telling you how I see it. And it's not that I don't understand.

You say he's only 65. Well, assuming alcoholism doesn't cut his life short (and it probably will), things are only going to get worse, and you could be dealing with this for another 20 years or more! Really? You're okay with that?

If you've got insurance or can afford it, consider seeing a therapist. It helps a lot! Just having the opportunity to talk to someone who is there for you and allows you to say all the things you are keeping inside and keeping from yourself. You'd be amazed at how much you know, but aren't giving yourself permission to express. I bet your a wonderful parent, and I'm sorry you feel like you lost so much time with your children because of feeling like you had to deal with your dad. He's an alcoholic, he's not going to get better, and although he may love you, he's way more fixated on his own needs. Time goes by very quickly, and the next thing you know you'll be 65 and kicking yourself for wasting so many years on someone you really can't help enough. I hope you can get some help for yourself instead.
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I forgot to add , he's only 65 . But my entire life, he's been controlling . and I admit i let him , as I thought a good daughter should. But sometimes I need my space. I feel I gave up alot of my time w my babies who are now 17 and 21 to tend to him and his needs and scenes from his alcoholism. I was always there . But sometimes, I need me time. Sometimes I wish he was just living a normal life, had a gf and was happy.
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I came across this page in looking for how to handle a needy parent.. My dad , I love him to death, is very needy. He has a very addictive personality. He is an alcoholic and is currently in a home. He lost his ability to walk and is in a wheelchair and so he is there to stay. He calls daily and some days I answer and some I don't. I notice when I do answer he will call up to 3 times in a day. Each time he wants to talk for an hour. If my kids interrupt or my husband or family stuff, house stuff , etc... , he gets annoyed. I visit as much as I can , at least once or twice a week. I used to do 3 times a week. He has a cell phone that I pay for and he calls everyone in the family.. He loves talking.. but I don't. So then I feel guilty. I like my quiet time. Heck, he taught me to be the quiet one! I like my family time... my life growing up was full of drama, from his drinking and my parents arguing.. ( they are divorced now).. but I feel guilty and then I think to myself "what if that was me and I wanted to talk to MY kids?" then I think, "well, I"d give them space. I'd say a quick hello.. I wouldn't demand or get upset if I they didn't talk to me for an hour at a time on a daily basis... so I understand. When my dad could still drive, he too would pop up at my house on a weekend at 7am. I remember when I had my baby girl and he came over.. My husband said "she's sleeping" and he barged into my room! I had dark curtains and he said " wow! you even make it dark in here to sleep later huh? its time to get up" I laughed it off , we talked a little. He woke up both my kids ( newborn and 3 year old) then left. NICE! lol

Like I said, I love him and I will miss him if one day he goes before me.. but it does get to be too much sometimes. I feel you.
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No, Rainmom, I guess I don't feel I was all that harsh. I do understand that parents can be difficult, and my heart really does go out to people who are suffering and trying to figure out how to deal with a problem parent, especially when their options are limited. But, I find myself wondering why someone would go on and on about a parent who is beyond awful, give money they don't have (and it's obvious that this isn't the first time), allow that parent access to their home (it doesn't sound like dad needs a place to stay), and that parent behaves in ways that are totally inappropriate, etc., etc., etc. I get pushing buttons, but come on. This person is not in a situation where he/she is being forced to care for an abusive parent. Believe me, my dad was obnoxious and I complained, too. I get that we are trying to please our parents on some level, but there are limits. Could you really see yourself allowing your mother to do ALL of those things and still have a relationship with her? I couldn't read one thing there that said this person had no choice in allowing his/her dad into his/her home. The only thing I read is a self-centered jerk of a parent who is being allowed and even encouraged to behave worse than a two-year old. It's really sad.
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Hey TheirDaughter - a bit harsh, don't you think? It's so complicated when it comes to parents. We think "if I do this" or "I do that" maybe just this once they'll be happy or grateful... But unfortunately it rarely works out that way but we keep at it - trying to satisfy them or finally get some approval and kind words. I guess one could view it as enabeling but I view it as trying to get my mom to shut the hell up! No one - and I mean NO ONE knows how to push buttons like a self-absorbed, needy parent. So let's all try to be supportive. Even though we make plenty of mistakes in trying to deal with our aging, demented parents no one is doing it because they enjoy the outcome when it turns out differently than we had hoped.
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I haven't read all the comment but I swear you were talking about my father. No boundaries, only wants to talk about himself and will use his key to enter my home rather than knocking because he somehow feels it is HIS home too. Mine doesn't drive anymore and if you think yours is needy now...just wait.

I had my gall bladder out and my husband called my father to tell him. 6am the next day he was in my hospital room.

I avoid my father because his life is just a series of issues. Every phone call I get from him starts with "I have a problem". I am so tired of being him 'go to ' for every thing.
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Wait while I pick my jaw up off the floor! Are you kidding? Seriously. I'm glad venting helped you out, but it seems like a wasted effort. How do you allow anyone to come into your house and treat you that way. And you give him money, knowing full well he's going to use it to gamble? I can't even feel sorry for you because you're not a victim, you're a big-time enabler. I hope the two of you have many more years of fun together.
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Omg i needed this read .im going mental . I live in 600sq foot apt and my dad shows up unannounced for weeks at a time . I slept mabie 4hrs this past week . Waited on him 24/7. Gave him a bunch of money i diddnt have because hes been saying hes struggling and when i had appointmrnt today he went too casino and blew it all. I love my dad very much but he can be a idiot. Also i tell him i need space everytime he comes . If it was like a few days then hanging out 247 fine but i cant go anywhere or do anything . Everyday .dad no smoking in my apt . Haha o boy its like seriously elderly parents act like kids . He sits on computer all day smoking his pipe and eating junkfood till 1am then hes up at 6am , my mom and dad both pull guilt trip . I felt like snapping today i couldnt look at him when he said he spent sll money at casino .i live alone and just used too having time too myself . And everytime hes here about a week or two in its the same thing . Im like arnt you going to visit this person or diddnt you need too go to that place and THEN i start losing my shit . I currently have time off work and he knows it so theres no escape. He must know how much hes been grinding my gears. Literally evetytimr hes down he pushes buttons untill i flip .i just feel totally used .did i mention i wake up with him across my tiny apt with bathroom door open crapping . .. walking around place naked ... not cleaning his dishes .. im a total neat freak and he refuses too tske boots off . Today mud everywhere. He smokes weed pipe alllday and after each puff he caughs like 5times sooo sooo loud. Listens too his laptop fullblast and reads aloud stupid peoples facebook posts haha omg i feel soo soo bad for people having a bad time with elder move ins .i know mines just visiting but basically he wont leave untill i say listen man i need my space .which only works after saying it 20times .i enjoy short visits and long phonr calls with my parents but this is too toooo much . .thought id add a rant since reading this post and replys helped me through another sleepless night .goodluck people
Serenity now 😛
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Even though both of my parents are now gone, I've kept my account with AgingCare exactly for the posts like yours, Stepbystep. It's absolutely amazing to me that so many elderly parents are this difficult! Thankfully, it's usually just one parent, and we have the fortune of the other one who allows us to experience something more "normal" and rational.

As you know, I started this because I really needed to vent, so don't apologize!! Also, I hope you'll remain connected to this group so that later on you can reread some of your posts and have the opportunity to see that it wasn't your imagination; your dad really did give you a run for your money! Honestly, it's been four years since my dad died, and while I remember general things that he did, I've kind of forgotten why I was so upset all the time!

On the other hand, I also have to add that your post actually had me laughing more than once! I need to find a way to share it with my girlfriend who has been on an emotional roller coaster with her mother for years. What is it about those self-absorbed, needy parents?! She told me that she's pretty certain one of the main reasons she has a bad back is because she tried to help her mother not lose her balance while on a treadmill, taking a stress test. Apparently the nurse turned the speed up too quickly. My girlfriend watched in horror as her mother started to topple, so she quickly grabbed her (her mom was quite heavy at the time). Fortunately, the doctor was able to get to the OFF switch and mom managed to stay upright. BUT, instead of thanking her daughter, she turned to the doctor and said, "my hero."

My girlfriend and I try to get together a couple of times a year, and in between she sends text messages. We've known one another since grade school, and therefore each other's parents, as well. We've ended up having some pretty good laughs, even though it often started out with venting. But sometimes, just seeing the absurdity of it, helps get you through. And as my brother once said to me, "well, at least you know there's an end in sight." Yes, but sometimes it sure seems like it's a long ways off!
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Goodness, the joys of toxic or 'toxicish' parents. Our 81yo father has always been emotionally needy and it has always been all about him. Yes he did provide for us and did his best to be a good father, however then there was this other side to him. 'Joy of the street, sorrow of the house' best describes him, totally charming and trusting with strangers and anyone in authority, or just wearing a business suit, and totally non-trusting and mentally abusive of his children. Guess who is constantly getting scammed. He can no longer look after himself so we have offered to take him in to live with us, have had the house altered, have three adults (2 sisters, and BIL on rotation) at his beck and call. His 4yo grand daughter loves him. However this cannot placate his need to be at the centre of attention ALL THE TIME. We were listening to a radio show about elder abuse recently. It appears that this has given him a new strategy to gain attention, 'Help, Help I need police assistance, my daughter is trying to kill me' etc thankfully this was in the back garden. And he is starting to accuse us all of stealing from him, poison in him, telling the carer who comes in to help bath him that we leave him unattended and he falls. So of course this prompts a nurse visit to protect my father's interests. The irony is that since everyone believes him and not us, he will end up in a dementia ward nursing home (exactly what he doesn't want). My empathy to everyone, and please excuse my vent, but today, the day of the 'help, help' shouting, I was wandering whether I was alone, and found you all. And to end with his most famous quote of all (which I can now laugh about), the day after my mother died and I was quite emotional, he said to me 'so what, I lost my mother too!". Good luck and fortitude to all!
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I give you and your husband credit for standing up to him! It's always so easy to give advice when it's not your own parent! I really struggled because my dad' unwillingness or inability to have any self awareness. The sad part is there's a part of me that's relieved he's gone.
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I am in the same boat. My dad was born In the 40's and has the 50's mentality...make my dinner, pay my bills, clean the house, pick up after me while I don't do a thing because I am the male. Yes, he liked to "hunt" too. My mother stayed home caring for my sister and sick brother, not to mention losing a one year old child....while my father "hunted" the roads in his red convertible Mustang with his buddies. I came along eleven years later. The only time I remember him being home was when he and my mother had knives at each other. My mother was not a violent but rather caring person so I know she did it in self defense. We never had a family vacation. I only remember eating sandwiches for lunch and dinner most of the time-mom did not know how to drive. I do remember my father bragging about his great trips with his buddies and eating big thick juicy steaks. Must be nice. I lost my mom two years ago. She fought cancer for eight years and never complained. My father was jealous because my husband and I spoiled her rotten and took very good care of her. He has high blood pressure that is controlled by meds. He wants us to do for him as we did mom. NO. My husband and I got away a couple of nights ago to relax and see a movie (our doctor had just put us both on anti-anxiety meds earlier that day because of him), and for the 100th time, my husbands cell phone goes off in the movie....guess who. The 100th excuse. We got home and my husband immediately confronted him...we can't go anywhere without him asking where we are going, when we will be back, where have we been, etc...my husband told him to leave us alone as we can't even enjoy two hours away. His response...I didn't know I was intruding and like always, he is the victim. The next day, he acts like nothing is WRONG! So yes, I am there with you. I love this forum. Before I found the forum, I thought I was going absolutely nuts. My heart goes out to you and everyone going through this. I promised my son I would never do this to him.
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Love how you can't edit a comment! Nothing like "Dick" instead of "sick!" :-) and I'm on an iPad so it's even worse!!
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Oh Sheena, I'm so sorry. You're right, it's been awhile since this was active! My dad died a couple of years ago. He got a horrible case of shingles and I think the pain just wore him down. It was a difficult death and I'll always feel bad about that. It took awhile, but there are moments when I actually miss him. However, I'm sorry to say, it's also a relief to have him gone. I just reread this entire post and it's funny how much I'd forgotten so quickly!

What can I tell you? As I mentioned in one of my replies, it's so easy to give advice when it's someone else! But I do understand that knowing something is wrong in a relationship is a lot easier than actually confronting it. Besides, on some level, the person making you unhappy already has your number. I think a parent is particularly difficult because you still feel, on some level, like you are their child and you don't want to be disrespectful. My dad was never a mean parent, but we kids respected his authority and the fact that he was our father. So how do you handle it when you become an adult and start to realize your dad is kind of a jerk?

To be honest, the thing that helped me most was therapy. A trained therapist is able to guide you objectively in ways friends and family can't. It isn't that they don't have some worthwhile advice, but often it feels too confrontational or blunt. It's hard to explain to friends that Dick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you want to stick up for yourself. Even when I was furious with my dad, once I calmed down I would often question my right to feel that way. After all, he had done so many things for me or it certainly felt that way. And you're obviously compassionate, so I bet that despite his bad behavior you can make excuses for him: bad childhood, bad luck, whatever.

The bottom line is really about you at this point. Would you let someone else treat you this way? Do you think you deserve it? Is it really your job in life to be your dad's doormat? And, if you have children, is this how you would treat them? Talk to someone who can help you work through your issues with your dad. It wasn't easy, but I did manage better after posting this. Good luck to you and please post again.
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It has been a long time since anyone has posted, but I really need advice here! My dad is quite "young" for his age, has friends & health. He lives alone about a mile from me, and has been single for about 20 years. He had some medical issues which are now resolved, but only has my family to focus on. He doesn't have an hobbies, gets angry at daily situations, only talks about himself, and holds such negativity, it is hard to be around. He isn't ever there when we really need him, unless it benefits him. For example, we had to leave town on an emergency, and asked him to watch our dog. We learned that he was only going over to our house once every 12 hours, so we had to find someone else to do it. I think he did a bad job because he really didn't want to do it! When my child was young, I think he only watched him a handful of times, and was never wanting to baby sit or do fun things as a grandparent. He shows up to my house un announced, and calls all of our phones trying to get a hold of us at the same time each day (the moment I get off work). Usually he has a few drinks, and calls when he is tipsy at night 3-5 times per night. I am really busy with my work/home life, and do make time on the weekends to see him. But, that usually isn't enough. Then, if I don't answer the phone, or don't see him, he makes comments about how I am avoiding him and that I should talk to him more. He is pushing me away! He even made a comment to a family member that he will always live by us and hopefully with us in a few years! He is wasting the best years of his life focusing on us! Every time I try to help him try something new, or meet new people it backfires on me and I get even more irritated with him. I tried taking him on an outing, and it turned into him criticizing my driving and complaining about the cost of everything and of everyone we came into contact with It's not supposed to be like this! How do you help such a needy parent, or might it be a medical condition?
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Thanks for reporting back. I hope things continue to look up for you. There will be bumps in the road, but you CAN handle them!
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It's funny (in a good way), but things have been going better and I have to admit that I do see much worse problems that other people are having with their elderly parent(s). It's always so much easier to tell someone else, "don't put up with it," because that what i want to say to Evpraxia! And yet, I know it's difficult and we all have a tendency to bottle it up.

I have managed to make some room for my husband and myself by not trying to take things on that my parents can handle themselves. My mom is still involved in her church and someone there got my dad to take her to some kind of meeting where she met other people, watched a movie, etc., and I think they both enjoyed it. This afternoon they went on a bus trip through the senior center to Wisconsin Dells! I didn't have to do anything!! And last night we celebrated Father's Day by taking them out to dinner. My mom was really funny and she has actually been doing better lately.

I still have issues with my dad because I realize that it doesn't take much to set me off, especially if I'm stressed or tired. That's something I intend to explore further with my therapist.
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TheirDaughter, Dad may or may not be too old to change, and that may depend on whether he has some impairments. But you are not too old to change. The fact that you are going to see a therapist again and that you are posting here is evidence of both the ability and the will to change. Dad has friends, attends the senior center, and has hobbies. That is great! He has a near-by daughter and son-in-law he can have dinner with and visit once or twice a week. That is also great. He has a wife who needs his attention. That too can be very fulfilling if he takes advantage of it. Your dad is a very, very lucky man. (Just browse around in other posts if you doubt that.)

You are NOT neglecting a poor deprived impaired parent who can't do things for himself. You are (or need to be) setting appropriate boundaries. He is very lucky. Don't let his luck become your bad news.

The positive in all this is that you know things need to change and you are working on it. Good for you! You CAN do it!
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Oh can I relate to the "it's all about me" complex. I have been calling it "self absorbed". I'll have to check NPD.
I have been care-giver for my FIL since he moved in with my hubby & me in 2004 (yes, 2004). I am on duty 24/7/365 except for, Thank God!, the respite care-giver (first with home health now hospice) that comes once a week for 2 hours and whatever time my hubby can give me off. Hospice gives families a 5 day respite time with the care-receiver in a facility.

I asked Papa how he feels about my hubby & I using the 5 day respite: he said "I'll be pissed". Well, thanks a lot, Papa! I gave up a full time job to be his care-giver, he needs assistance with toileting, 2-4 times a night, I puree ALL his food (he is allergic to onion in any form), keep his food warm while he eats his meal, etc.

Ah well, he IS on hospice and might have around 2-4 months left; and trying to change a 95 yr old is, well, not worth trying. He sure is good for my prayer life, he sends me to the Jesus prayer a lot! LOL!

Take care,

Evpraxia
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Oh you guys are great. It's horrible how manipulative parents can be. I hear everything you are saying. In fact, my husband just called and I read all the responses to him. This has been even worse for him--it's not his parent!

Unfortunately, my entire family has never been good about communicating or confrontation. We tend to stew about things and eventually hope they go away or we somehow get over them. I'm currently not communicating with one brother because he has decided not to deal with some issues. I had a problem with my other brother a couple of years ago and we finally managed to work things out. But as I already mentioned, my dad will literally run away or hang up when things heat up or I finally stick up for myself.

In the past I could at least talk to my mom, and unfortunately, that's no longer possible. But despite her dementia it's interesting to see how she can still hold her own against my dad!

All of you have helped me to see how unfair my dad is being, something that has been extremely difficult. He does just enough "nice" things to make me question my fairness in being upset with him. My husband and I met him and my mom for lunch on Sunday. We talked about getting together for dinner the following Friday and my departing words were, "We'll see you next Friday," and I felt kind of guilty for that, as if I should be in touch midweek.

Another part of the conversation was (my husband is doing my parents' taxes) some documents were missing and my husband gave my dad a list. Even though my husband won't be available until Friday my Dad had already stopped by our place that same day (we were gone) with the documents. Then, of course, he called and I told him we would get them Friday!

But I get it, guys. I need to be more assertive and I'm trying. I'm hoping the therapist will also help me (thanks for bringing up NPD--I'll look it up AND talk to the therapist about it). I will tell you that when I went to a therapist the first time (over depression and my dad), she would look at me in amazement sometimes and tell me how rude his behavior was.

And, ED, I apologize, but I laughed so hard at your comments! It's really not funny when it's happening to you, but I sure do get it. Here are two disgusting things my dad does: he will pull out his one false tooth in front of family because some food got caught in it (YUCK). He always wants a toothpick when he has dinner at our place and we ALWAYS say we don't have any. Also, he has really bad "man boobs." Okay, it's not his fault, it happens. BUT for God's sake, don't go around without a shirt!! When my mom had her act together she told him to put on a shirt. Now she just looks at him and turns to me and says, "your father needs a bra."
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