Coping with my overly needy parent

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I go back and forth with my 86 year old dad. He's a good person, generous, kind, etc., and I know it could be a lot worse. However, he is making me nuts at times.

How do I describe it? He's annoying, needy, relentless, self absorbed and rude. He was a traveling salesman and gone most of the time when I was growing up so my mom really raised me and my brothers. She has very good manners and even at 91 is happy spending time by herself. She wouldn't think of dropping in on someone without calling first and she is always polite. She has some problems now with dementia, but she tries to be neat and have good table manners.

My dad is the complete opposite. He will call at 7 AM, drop in unexpectedly, his table manners are disgusting, and although he can take an interest in what's going on with me and my husband, I feel like he only asks so he can get it over with and move on to HIM! He has done so many annoying things since retiring and having me nearby that I've already gone into counseling once and recently I scheduled myself to see someone again.

He is extremely social and wants to have something to do every day of the week. So, even though he has friends, goes to the senior center and also has hobbies, he still clings to me.

He still drives, but I can see that we are getting to a point where it won't be much longer before that needs to end and I'm truly dreading it.

My husband and I moved to my parents' community about 8 years ago and bought their property. We built on a few acres of it, but let them stay in their home, only asking them to pay property insurance on their home and part of the taxes. I have had every intention of helping them and we have.

From the day we moved into our newly built house my dad was unbelievably obnoxious. He would walk into our house unannounced, whenever the mood hit. We had to talk to him about that. There have been so many problems with him invading our space that I could write a book. When I've tried talking to him, he has actually hung up on me and I swear I was not yelling or emotional, just trying to get him to see it from our point of view.

Recently my husband had foot surgery and my dad wanted to come to the hospital, but it was day surgery and, frankly, my husband I didn't want to deal with my parents. We kept my dad at bay by telling him we didn't have an exact time (which was actually true until the day before). Dad called about 3 times that week and then he called again after the surgery. I told him everything went fine and he wanted to know if we wanted to go out for dinner!!! I told him we couldn't do that for at least a week. Dad left us alone for one day and then decided to drop in. Neither of us wanted to see him so we didn't answer the door. So after leaving my dad called and I didn't answer. Then he called again and I still didn't answer. The next thing I knew he was back again and this time he used his key to let himself into our house.

I know a lot of people are going to say something about the fact that he was concerned, etc., but Dad wears me out. When he walked into the house I confronted him and I'll admit I was upset. He kept saying he was worried and I felt like saying, "it was foot surgery not his heart!"

I don't know what I'm asking here. I guess I just needed to vent. My dad is wearing me out and although I want to be a good daughter, he just won't give me a chance to take a break.

I think I read more stuff about manipulate mothers, but I'm here to tel you my dad is the King when it comes to that!

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Jayneo, if you have a question you'd like to discuss, start a new thread by clicking on Ask a Question.
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no ones answered me.
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That's sad, and so hurtful. Just remember, it's not about you! He has issues. Happy Birthday whenever it is (and spend it with someone who truly appreciates wonderful you)!!!
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Oh my gosh, that sounds like my Dad, and I feel like such a "bad" daughter for being so irritated with him, but I can't help it. He's emotionally needy with me, yet puts everyone else first. Others opinion of him is REALLY important so he'll get things for other people but has NEVER remembered my Birthday.
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Your dad has used you for a door mat. STOP laying down for him.

Change the locks. Tell him point blank... You would like him to visit, but only when it is a good time for you. He must call first, and NOT come over if he doesn't TALK to you first.

You need to start protecting your self and your relationship with your husband. This is only going to get worse if you don't stop it
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Wow To Their Daughter give a hug. Thank You for your response.
As you said your Dad and mine just seem to need constant attention.
It's draining, I work so our time spent together is maybe once a week and on the phone daily. The problem is he's never satisfied.
I would never do that to my children. They need their space.
I see my son and daughter in-law no more than once every 4-6 weeks. They're happy to visit but I enjoy the weekends that we can relax and do things at home.
It's sad to not have hobbies or interests at that age . Some older people do , not all.
Have a great weekend.
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Don't feel bad, Arcmiddle! This is the place to vent!! Just because your dad is difficult, and you have the good sense to know you couldn't have him living with you, doesn't mean you don't love him. I NEVER could have had my dad living with us!!! First, my husband would have left me; and second, I would have ended up hating my dad, and there's nothing good about that. My mom told me she never wanted to live with us because it was so unfair to a marriage, and she was right.

You can just read thought all the posts within AgingCare to see how miserable people are having parents living in their homes. Im sure there are exceptions, but it's not the norm!

My dad didn't have as much energy as yours, BUT he still wore me out. It was the constant need to have contact and then hardly focus on anything I had to say. How many times did he interrupt to talk about something that had nothing to do with the current topic?! Sometimes he listened, but if it didn't interest him, then forget it.

Good luck, and don't let guilt make you do anything you'll regret! ;-)
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I feel bad saying all this but if his personality was more like my daughter, son, husband and myself he could live with us. I could not cope with this level of activity since we all work and are tired at night.
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I always thought it was me. My 89 year old Dad is in better shape and has more energy than all my family put together. He 's on the go from 4:00am and will still be awake at 10 or 11 pm. But is's all about him, conversation with him when I call in the evening after work is all about what he did, what he ate and how he feels. He goes on and on and doesn't hear anything I say. I can cope with this but don't dare disagree with him or he goes nuts . He's always right and his world is everyones world. Again I'm venting. He sees us once a week. but thats not enough. He never sits and watches television. Moving around constantly and talking are his activities.
my daughter and son said he may have ADHD,
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Ohhh, this site is so interesting! My husband and I have been helping my mom one way or another since we married 23 yrs ago. She is a control freak, and an extreme micromanager, so as she has gotten more needy, she is getting more helpers - not us, so much, thank God! My husband has told me he wants me to only go to her apt no more than 2x a week, so that helps, tho when she REALLY needs us, we go. The thing is, she won't let us help with anything except what SHE wants us to do; no POA, no medical info (won't give me copies, so I don't know what she has), will not let me go in at the dr.'s office, unless she is in crisis, and out of it from her meds (her issue is bad pain, not dementia, tho hard to tell sometimes....) . So other people help her mostly, and that works for us, now..... there is some guilt stress, tho, and this site helps a lot - thank you all!
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