Convincing my wife time to let her Dad who lives with us move into a home.

It sounds as if this would be the best situation for both of you, but perhaps your FIL might not think so, although it doesn't seem as though he's particularly happy now, and perhaps not really able to determine what WOULD be the best arrangement for him.

If you can focus on what's best for FIL, that might be a better approach. Then you're not putting yourself or your wife first, but rather your FIL. And he IS the one who needs care.

It also wouldn't hurt to do some research on Alz, as eventually it may become more than just desirable, it may become absolutely necessary. Starting that planning now would be wise.

A good question is when does what is best for FIL, come ahead of what is best for us? His needs have always been first, but is it selfish of me for wanting to move on??

Beretta, I made that suggestion as a way of approaching the move, not necessarily as a governing issue. I was thinking if your wife is able to switch her focus to the best situation for her father, particularly given his Alz, it might be easier for HER to gradually warm to the idea of another living arrangement.

You do raise a good question, though, one with which many of the posters here, including myself, have battled. I don't know if there is a standard answer. Every party should have equal rights and treatment, but often with a parent who has dementia that ratio changes and becomes weighted in favor of the elder.

In an ideal world, we each would have the same level of rights, but it's had to balance that.

But theory doesn't answer your question. I've written before that I see these situations as graphs, in your case with your FIL's welfare represented by a diagonal line which is increasing, and yours represented by a decreasing diagonal line. The point at which they crossed has obviously been reached and your welfare is decreasing. So it is time to restore some balance.

I do think it's time for your FIL to move, especially since there's a lack of marital privacy. And yes, you do have a right to want to move on, as well as to have the benefits of your marriage restored to you without another party present all the time.

And I think you recognize that your wife is probably concerned with her father on an emotional and protective level that might be stronger at this time, because of his needs and not because of any diminution of concern for your. Her father's just in a worse place right now.

Bertetta, my answer is here: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/best-way-to-discuss-moving-wifes-dad-into-home-186045.htm when you asked this question earlier.

Beretta, it's helpful to ask a question once so that answers aren't split up on different messages. I only saw your other message a few moments ago.

I finally had the talk with my wife about her Father. Things have changed as my wife is hav ing back issues. So we discussed the need to go forward with her Father in order to have him go to a home. I put it as delicately but bluntly--I cannot be caregiver to both my wife and my FIL. he can afford it, and is also suprisingly open to the idea and is willing to go forward, at least tour a couple and begin the assestments. So some progress is made. All the advise is helping, and i will continue on here as we go thru this experience

Good update, good progress and hopefully a good outcome.

One thing that might help is to call facilities before touring them to find out when they're having activities that might interest him, especially the musical ones. There's a dynamic, a special feeling in the specific room, almost a sense of adrenalin rush, when the musicians come to play. It might encourage him to think more positively about a facilitiy.

Good luck, congratulations for being able to accomplish this change in approach, and please keep us updated. It's always encouraging when something works out for the best.

It seems that when you get 2 steps forward, you take 4 right back again. Now just reciently my FIL's older sister (Wife's aunt) is in the hospital with stage 3 cancer all over. 3-6 months given. I tool my FIL there to spend time with her, but it does not look good. Now i am afraid this will only add to his depression, and am nervous as i work solidly during week, and my wife 3 full days. Maybe suggesting that we move our plans forward would be a benifit for him as he just sits around all day moping, as his circle of family his age is dwindling. Any Advise? would his spirits be lifted looking ahead to a new phase with going to assisted living?

Yes, I sure do have advice. Get your FIL into assisted living for his OWN benefit, not yours.imagine the different life he'll have: young smiling faces engaging him at every turn; organized activities; the opportunity to make peer friendships; never eating alone...card games, big screen TV in the common room, social programs, ice cream treats in the afternoons a few times a week. All that and more. AND you and your lovely bride visiting him once or twice a week for an outing or just a good old-fashioned gabfest.

Move forward. You, your wife and your FIL deserve as full a life as you all can handle.

I can relate Beretta (like the screen name btw), my FIL lives with us and my husband doesn't like the idea of his DAD going into a home either. I think it is a very delicate and hard conversation. It sounds like you are both still working, any kids at home too? I know the moping part, I have seen it personally. I have tried to get him involved in local senior groups. Even the home health persons have tried to get him involved, but he refuses. I was so glad to hear when he actually participated in a few things when at rehab recently. So just like others have said, a home or assisted living (if he would qualify with dementia), would be great for activities and seeing other faces. Best of luck to you and let us know how things turn out.

Had very similar situation & dynamics with my father. Moved him to assisted living a month ago. Best decision ever. We have our house and our privacy back (and our stress level down from the stratosphere). And he has a full staff to cater to him--three shifts of non-burned-out people, 7 days a week.

What are you waiting for? If the decision has been made, move forward!

Jeanne: No decision has been made; my wife is reluctant to send my FIL as she sees things as his daughter first, then caregiver.

Beretta, you may want to read this thread
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/want-life-marriage-back-cant-care-for-mom-186396.htm

You need to move forward with plans to move your FIL. There will come a time that any change is living situation will become very difficult for him and thus you and your wife. The earlier in dementia a move occurs, I believe, the easier on our loved ones. Soon enough it is easier for them to get involved and make friends, participate etc.

So, have you set up tours? It sounds as though your wife might benefit from seeing a therapist, if she's having difficulty putting her physical health and the needs of her family first in this situation.

Nothing as of yet. I found perfect place to check out, and made the suggestion; but my wife even though she is listening and talking about it with my FIL, is hesitant to take to the next level, keeps saying "He is not ready yet" and is worried that he has no "filter" on his speaking. So one way I see progress is possible, other way is keeping "Status-quo"

She's worried about his lack of a filter in an AL? That's like being worried that your 4 year still naps in daycare! It's starting to sound as though your wife has some serious codependency issues.

Your FIL is not going to get "more ready". He's declining and will be LESS able to adjust as time goes on. Does she realize this?

Can you and FIL go check this place out together? It sounds like your wife is the one who's not ready.

Is this a matter of someone (you, her) thinking that she'll have to back to work if he goes to AL? It sounds as though there is something strong that is interfering with her doing what is in her dad's best interests.

Thats just it, she works 3 days a week. My gut says that if he does go to AL, and eventually passes she will feel guilty about it. As for my FIL's sister with cancer, it was worse than thought, now maybe a month to live. But for this crap situation, I suggested maybe some good--As her husband will need to go into AL--i suggested my FIL join him, or at least be neighbors--they are family. My wife did not seem to keen on it, but i can tell she is considering it as it works out for the best for both,

Beretta, you say that your FIL is miserable. Does she see that? That he would BENEFIT from being in AL? (Men are very popular in ALs, let me tell you!)

As his dementia worsens, she's not going to be able to care for him at home alone. You are going to need three shifts of caregivers. So, so much better for him to be in AL where he'll actually have more control over his life.

So today at 4:45am i awoke to my FIL shaving. Holding back temper as this is the 3rd time I have been woken up eaarly I asked why? He said could not sleep, and was bored. Is this a possible sign of a change in his dementia or al-timers? Sorry for spelling, curious for opinions before I lose my temper. I just got ready for work and left before yelling at him for being inconsiderate of others. might be more...........

Maybe he has a UTI. Or maybe, like most elders with dementia, he's lost the capacity to not be completely egocentric. My brother likes to say of out mom " her circle gets smaller and smaller". It's all about him, which is what makes it so darn hard to live with someone with dementia 24/7.

Interesting. I am going to discuss with my Wife as how she sees it, as my gut tells me this is a progression of the Dementia, as he feels like he did nothing wrong. But he listens to her, where I would lose it on him, and as I see it I would be in the wrong in a way and make things worse.

You know, you said in your original post "he has dementia and Alzheimers, both in check for now". That's an illusion. Dementia is progressive. The longer you wait to move him, the harder it will be on him. This is such a shame to deprive him of a good experience and the independence he would have at AL.

This is why i really appreciate this site, as it helps me with really good advise. We have started the next step as I am reserching AL places. When my FIL sold his house to move in with us, those funds are in an account for this step. But is is not me but my wife who is very reluctant to move forward--she feels like doing that is the same as giving up. This is my "brick wall" as it is her DAD and as POA as well she feels like it is her call to make. Main reason i am here is to get advise as how to talk with her and the people out here have given amazing advise so far, as 3 weeks ago i could not even bring up AL as a subject; now at least we are moving (SLOWLY) in that direction.

You should check out the "i want my marriage back" thread , lol.

He's her dad, but she's also your wife. Ya'll might need some marriage counseling for it sounds like she may have poor emotional boundaries with her dad which from what I'm reading here sounds like she's honoring him above honoring her marriage. If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since ya'll been on a date and can she be fully present with you as just the two of you without having to have to think or bring up the subject of her dad?

Sometimes a spouse will go into an emotional auto pilot mode that is very blinding. It's almost like some foreign software has activated in the computer of their minds. I find myself on this crusade in behalf of married people to keep being married people even with taking care of an elderly parent.

I wish you the best in dealing with this.

Beretta, your wife may believe it's her right to decide when her father should go into a facility, but it's your right to have a say in how your life will proceed while he's living in YOUR home.

You might want to pursue the issue of why she thinks she is "giving up" by finding a placement for him.

Are there any friends in your area who've gone through this and can explain that sometimes the point is reached when home care can't be provided? Any relatives who can help her see that she's NOT giving up but rather pursuing a different path of care? Can you think of an analogy on handling some other issue, perhaps with children or co-workers, when one strategy is no longer effective and another has to be pursued? Does she understand the meaning of mid-course correction?

And is she aware of how FIL's behavior is affecting you, especially when he disrupts your sleep? If it affects your ability to be alert at work, then it's reached the point discussed earlier in this thread, that his behavior is affecting your ability to provide for your family.

The other issue is whether being home alone and at loose ends is at all helpful given that his sister has cancer. And it's not. He needs distraction, and he's not going to get it at home. If he were in IL, at least he'd be with other people.

Some questions to ask her:

1. Does she realize how unhappy he is now? Does she think that's fair to him, to hold back based on what she interprets as her need to continue to keep him in your joint home?

2. What factors exist that make her think she's "giving up?" Without being facetious, she's not kicking him out to live under a viaduct; she's making good, helpful arrangements for him.

I think the point is how to make her realize that she would be helping him not hurting him, and right now, it seems no one is being helped.

I wish you luck; this isn't an easy situation.

So on sunday i took my FIL to see his sister, now back home with round-the clock care for her reming days. Nice visit, but bitter sweet as she will not last thru September. My FIL seemed fine, maybe a bit too fine not sure how he is reacting, but he knows it was probably his last time to see her before she passes. As he lost his wife 4 years ago she is the last family his age. Not too sure what the next few days will lead to, any signs i need to watch for in behaviour?? And on the AL subject my wife is back to "I don't want to talk about it" again. So progress is stalled. Would it be wrong for me to move ahead with AL research?