Conversation with Grandma today.

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If you've read my previous discussions, you will know that my grandmother is obsessed with food and money. Okay, now to the conversation that took place today. This is just one of hundreds and I just want to say, I have been imitating my grandmother my whole life. I've got her down! No pun intended, just giving you the full feel of the woman she is!
Grandma: Suga, I got this here thang in the mail today. They want me to come down there and eat some free breakfast and listen to what they got to say down there at the Edward Jones.
Me: Grandma, do you WANT to invest money with Edward Jones?
Grandma: Well naw suga, I just got this here paper telling me to come down there and eat some breakfast! I wonder what they gone have to eat? I rakin' they gone have bacon and sashage (yes this is how she pronounces it) and eggs and maybe they have some fruit too like they did last time and oh my goodness I forgot about them biscuits, mmm they was real good! (Note: this is a restaurant that I frequent with friends and family, but grandma has never wanted to come out to dinner or breakfast with us because she doesn't want to spend money, even though she is a very wealthy woman)
ME: Grandma, this is not meant for people to attend just to eat the food. This is an opportunity for the financial advisor to recruit new business for his branch. If you already know you aren't interested in investing with him, then you should not attend. I think that would be rude. (Side note: I KNOW the financial advisor and a close friend of mine is his secretary. She complains about the folks who come to their seminars for free meals and has told me in the past that the advisor has to pay for these functions out of pocket and gets reimbursed very little - My grandmother is one of those people and I was embarrassed when she told me because I felt like she was referring to my grandmother the whole time she was telling me about it)
Grandma: (Now changing her tune) Well, I might give em some money after I see what they have to say...I might! I aint' goin down there for the food! I just want to see what they gone say.
Me: Grandma, will you at least wear your hearing aids down there then?
Grandma: (Okay here is where I've hit a nerve because she is now in full defense mode) Well, I clare I cant be wearing them hearin aids. They cost me too much money to place the batteries when I use em'! Naw, I aint gone do that! Lord have mercy I cant be doing that now!
Me: Well, you told me yourself that you could not hear the speaker the last time you attended, so how are you going to hear him this time? You can barely hear me! (And i'm speaking at a very high volume always)
Grandma: Suga, I rakin' I can make out what they saying if I go. It'll be real nice to go down there and eat that free food. (She says this very matter of factly)
Me: Grandma, I'm sorry but you are not allowed to have any sugar or sodium per your doctors, and I work really hard on your food menu each week to keep you healthy. Just because there is free food somewhere, it does not mean you should attend. You have free food here at my house. No need to worry about going to that event. You can't hear, the food is unhealthy for you in your condition, and you do not plan to invest money with them, so better for us to sit this one out, okay?
Grandma: (it's now the end of the world and she's visibly upset) *Heavy sigh* Well Lord have mercy, I cant even go down there to get that free food and see what they got to say. And she continues on and on....
I then leave the room for her to calm down so we do not argue about it.
This is what we all have to do on a regular basis with my grandmother. In November, she caught a ride with a man from down the street from her home and had him take her to the town's Thanksgiving dinner which is held annually for the needy. People donate and volunteer to help those who are less fortunate. She always goes to "get the free food". That is one less plate for someone who truly needs it! We have explained to her that it is for people who cant afford thanksgiving right now. She insists that they do not mind her coming to eat "some of that there free food". SMH

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Well I'm glad you enjoyed but, yes you are correct that it is not as funny when dealing with it in the moment. In fact the other day, you wanted me to stop at Burger King so that she could take advantage of the free Whopper she gets by writing a fake number on the back of an old receipt and turning it in. She's been doing it for years and it clearly states on the back that you must write down the number they give you after participating in the survey and it can only be used once per month per person. It has driven us all crazy. I finally got up the nerve to ask her what she thought would happen if I asked the clerk if it was okay to write a fake number on it because she thinks I'm stupid and says "Suga, they don't care what numba you put on the paapa cause they just want everybody to get that fee whoppa". I got tired of hearing this silly response. Once I asked her that, she threw a temper tantrum and said "Lawd have mercy I just aint gone use it then, im just gone fold it up and put it back in the pockey book. I just aint gone eat them if I cant get the free whoppa"...all in a high pitched full of anxiety voice. She hasn't spoken to me in 2 days and I'm loving it! Of course I purchased her food for her and told her I didn't mind paying for the food because that is what we are supposed to do. Coupons are okay but taking advantage of a system for free things when she has the ability to buy all the BK's in the region is ridiculous!
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Lawzamercy lansakes chile! I s'wanee.
Your grandmother sounds exactly like my mother. I moved her from NC to MN last year and sometimes people up here have a really hard time understanding what she's saying. She uses expressions nobody up here has ever heard before. Heck, her expressions are extremely regional to a very small squat of land in NC, and date from the 1940s. People back home had a hard time understanding her.

And yes, all you can do is shake your head, "forget" to take her, and learn to be vague/non-committal with her.

If you have the mental energy at the time, try redirecting her.
"What about that free meal sounds good to you?"
"I wonder if they are going to have pie. What's your favorite pie grandma?"
"Who made it"
"What were the best biscuits you ever ate? When was that? Tell me more about it"
Etc...
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Thanks for a good laugh! Oh my goodness! What a character. I don't imagine it is quite as funny when you are caring for her.

I doubt you're going to change her ways this late in the game. Refuse to take her to these events, and if she finds another way to get there, sigh, so be it.
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