Follow
Share

So, I'm the middle child of three. I'm still in the same state as our mom. I'm the first to give her grandkids. She lives 45 min away (we've moved many times), she's on a wait list of affordable housing to move closer for 2 years now. She recently made the decision to not drive anymore claiming she doesn't feel safe driving in hwy with also an expired license plate and no insurance and doesn't want to pay it. I question the doesn't feel safe on hwy. She has a fear issue, anxiety, depression, etc. She has had double hip surgery 6/7 years ago I think, but chooses to not move and sit in recliner 24/7 which in turn makes it worse, she throws on guilt to see grandkids, expects to be served in return (like we owe her), I'm tired of this manipulation. She needs somebody to come and makes sure she walks everyday, I can't.


Her dr. (I was there to hear everything) clearly pointed out that she's dealing with a sedentary lifestyle and needs to move.


Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I chose not to do anything this year, we're dealing with car issues to top out off, and I don't want to enable her behavior and be part of her decline.

Find Care & Housing
Can you afford an Uber or Lyft gift card?

You can pre-schedule trips and pre-pay them, too.

Check the price of a non-peak travel trip and do some math. It may be worth it to give her the gift of travel and also to bring her to you in a controlled way where you set the start and stop times.

Maybe a a weekly trip to see you and the kids, and walk a bit. You've done your due diligence and she gets an adventure and a captive person to talk to on the way there and back -- new social interaction!
(1)
Report

Harpazo: I hope you are having or had a wonderful, relaxing day!
(1)
Report

H'm.

It's quite unusual to need major hip surgery in your late sixties. What caused the problem originally, do you know?

I agree with you that your mother needs to halt and then reverse the vicious circle of decline and immobility. I agree with Margaret that it doesn't need to be you who does the hands-on work of supporting this.

But you'll know the "walk a mile in my shoes" thing? Your mother's situation is frustrating for you, and I understand that you could very well do without the guilt trips. But when you say she 'chooses' to sit in her recliner all day, and that she 'made the decision... claiming that etc.' - you're quite condemning in the way you describe her, you know. She's getting old (she's not old yet, she's only 73) and she is in pain. She's not just making it all up for attention.

So, this here doctor that told her she needs to change her sedentary lifestyle. Did he also tell her how?
(3)
Report

Wow, if my mom had no license, no insurance and didn't feel safe driving I would applaud her not wanting to drive! I certainly would not want to be the other drivers on the road! Double hip surgery can lead to plenty of pain in the years after. I can see wanting her to move more,, can she get PT? My mom can hardly move from her pain.. but she does sometimes say she "thinks she could drive " around town.. heck no!! We offered her the 4 wheeler... she declined
(2)
Report

"Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I chose not to do anything this year."

There is nothing wrong with that. Many have made the same choice. It is a good plan, imo, not to become involved in traffic, drunk driving on the roads, toxic family gatherings, the extra expenses and stress of a holiday, for whatever reason you may choose.

Take the day off!

Tell her when you will see her next, as she is still counting on you. That can be changed. Does she qualify for IHHS?
(3)
Report

It sounds like a lot of warning flags. I wouldn't label her as being difficult, but, perhaps unable to do things. She may be embarrassed that she can't drive due to some issue, like cognitive decline or loss of balance etc. My LO said she couldn't drive due to some bogus reason, but, the truth is, she forgot how to get around and she forgot how to open the car door to get out.

I'd be grateful that she's recognizing that she can't drive and taking herself off the road. I'd ensure that the car gets off the property though, just in case, she forgets and changes her mind. You don't want her driving with no insurance and no license.

Also, I'd confirm that she's really on a 2 year wait list. That sounds strange. I'd plan a trip to stay in the house with her for a couple of days to see first hand what state she's in, so you can know what level of care that she really needs.
(2)
Report

How old is she? Is she getting treatment for the 'fear issues, anxiety, depression etc'? If she is sitting down all day, who is getting her meals, assisting with care generally? Cam she afford a carer? It shouldn't have to be you!
(2)
Report

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter