My 84 y/o dad has been here for almost 3 years since my mom died. He was in bad shape, not taking care of himself etc because my mom was so ill. We moved him in immediately after her death in the midst of our grief and really believed we were doing the right thing. WRONG. We had no idea he would still be alive 3 years later, we essentially brought him back to life. Well now we have all had enough and his presence is taking a toll on all of us. My husband has the patience of a saint and is at the end of his rope. It's time to put my husband first. Do I have the right to move my dad out if I was the one who invited him in the first place? I have one brother who does the absolute minimum. He takes him about one or two nights a month( this is recent). His wife does not want him there. My father is completely lazy and is capable of doing a lot but just doesn't. My mom waited on him hand and foot and he just expects me to do it now. He basically sits in our family room and reads with the tv on all day long. He starts at 8 and sits there all day and night. No one else uses the tv and we are all in our rooms while he has the whole downstairs.,we have finally asked him to go into his room (flat screen, bed and recliner). He goes but we always have to ask, so tired of that. He does absolutely nothing to help out. Won't even get the mail. This is the biggest mistake of my entire life. I want it to end. He has no acute health issues so this can go on for years. We were fools for not setting rules, an exit strategy or anything. I have been whining about this for so long now. If my brother took him more often it would be better but he won't. So, do I have the right to move him into a senior apartment? He has the money. I know he will be very hurt but I feel I need to put my husband first. Enormous guilt. I am in my bedroom again and don't want to go downstairs because he is there. Reading it out loud sounds so petty but it isn't. When I was a kid it was just the way it was. Now as an adult I see his complete laziness and selfishness. He feels very entitled because I am the daughter.
And second, don't waste anymore good guilt on this decision. I won't go through the reasons your dad should leave as they have been covered here already and I have nothing new to add. Just don't feel guilty about your decision. You have to do what you have to do and for your family to shut themselves all up in their respective rooms everyday to avoid your father is horrifying. He needs to go.
My mother is very self centered and expects me to run my life around hers. She is narcissistic and very demanding. Sounds like your dad is somewhat that way. Mother uses guilt to try to manipulate people to doing what she wants. If you are feeling guilty about your dad please try to let that go. You have nothing to feel guilty about. A healthy parent will not try to manipulate or use their children. Your dad has been using you. Sounds like he has a long history of that. As Jeanne mentioned he has been enabled and expects to be waited on. But, you do not have to do it. Decide ahead of time what your are comfortable doing for him -like, for example taking him to doctor's appointments, taking him out for a meal once a week or whatever works for you and your husband. You are not abandoning him, you are reclaiming your own life with your husband setting limits on what you will do for your dad, and still attending to things for him that fit into your life. It is not all about him, it is also about you and your husband, and the two of you are entitled to your own lives. It may mean that your dad will complain and then you need to decide how to deal with that. Tell him you have to go and leave, or get off the phone.
You are not obligated to do everything for him, and, in fact, it is better for him (and you) if you don't. ((((((((((hugs))))))))
Take care ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
It is your house. You decide who lives there. Decide that your Dad doesn't. You cannot require him to live in a particular place or even a particular kind of place. He is competent and can make his own decisions about that. But you can require him to move out. Offer to help him find a suitable place. If he needs financial assistance hook him up with a social worker. But regain your own home.
You brought him back to life. Good for you! You should be rewarded for that -- not punished!
Don't abandon Dad. Don't stop loving him. Visit him. Advocate for him. Help him solve genuine problems if he needs help. Just don't do it with him living in your home.