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Your heart feels empty. We only have one family. Seems like I just can't win in any situation. It hurts me so much that no one in my family will acknowledge me or even thank me for anything (my mother lives with me and needs assistance brother's don't help, no sister's). It just doesn't feel 'normal'... I work and try to live 'my' life, but can't get over the hurt of rejection. Does anyone else feel this kind of 'abandoned' hurt? I just can't get over it.

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Unfortunately Des, they are written in her will. She always says "I love everyone"... While they are 1000 miles aways (living 'their' lives)... and, I am a fly on the wall.
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Heart ,You cab GUARANTEE that your sibs wil be there when it comes time to read the will.Fight them,They deserve exact
ly what they gave.NOTHING
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So, how do you come to terms with knowing you'll never have the closeness with your mother (or ?) that you always tried so hard to have? Easy enough for someone to say just forget it and live your life, but it always stays with you.
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I sure will Heart2Heart!
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Oh, thank you for the super big hug Phiz!... Here's two of them back to you! Yes, now after a decade (really all my life before my mom moved by me), I'm truly exhausted from trying to be 'loved' and fit in with my stoic and nonexistent family... I'm like you I really do,want to run away (only I can't... Like you a bit)... There's no one that wants to help 'our' mother so I go day to day... I do have a great 4 day job by home that keeps me sane. I wish I had a wonderful son like you... You're so lucky... I can just imagine how difficult it must be with you husband... You are such a loving wife and person. The world needs more than you!.... .so, we'll just stay far away from the 'unfriendlys' (I like that word) and stay close to the friendlys. :) Keep you health... And smile... And keep me posted.... Xoxoxox!!!
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Heart2Heart - My mom had lung cancer and we took care of her throughout. She passed at our house. That was 24 years ago. I'm sorry about you're relationship with your mom. It has to hurt not to mention cause some ( or alot ) of anger. Do you ever feel like people other than family would treat you better? I do. My son is great, but the rest are mostly user friendly and alot of the times user NOT friendly. Our move is to be closer to my son but also to distance ourselves from the user unfriendlys. So hard to feel optomistic and hopeful though. My son just gave me a pep talk this a.m..My hhusband's Alzheimer's is getting harder to deal with, but I'm trying. So lonely. I'm sure you feel the loneliness too in your situation. Giving you a super big hug! Wish there were magic solutions.
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Funny you should say that Phizphiz... I have the opposite problem with my mother... Can't get her to support me or have a loving daughter/mother 'relationship'... She doesn't know how to hug, love (can't say "I love you", appreciate, the daughter that has done everything for 'her' the past 10 yrs... I'm trying to accept this, but she thinks my 'non-participant brothers' are the greatest because "they have a life"... (I haven't been 'myself' like you said since she's been her... nor has she ever stood up to me with my brother's and family... Now, my only nieces don't talk with me... babies have been born... and I literally have no family except her...) She makes me out to be the 'bad' person... exhausting!
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I sure hope so. Thanks Heart2Heart
I agree, it really is heartbreaking with my daughter. My mom and I were so close. I told my son once "Don't take this the wrong way , but you're the best daughter I could ever have! " Of course he laughed :)
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Phizphiz, I'm so glad you have a wonderful son. It's interesting how people can be so different even when you are related to them... no guarantees, eh? You've started a new process of change and that will be so good for you! Hang in there... sounds like your digging your way to a new found freedom and self!
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I am in the same situation taking care of my 70 year old husband. I'm 60 and have a 40 year old son with Williams syndrome at home. My other son who is 174 miles away is a wonderful help! We are in process of selling our house to move up near him. HE WANTS US CLOSER TO HIM! ! My daughter is No help. She lost custody of all 4 of our grandsons and is a very stressful person to be around. Friends disappear. Other family members avoid you ( unless they want something). Thank God for my son who is so supportive and helpful! I don't think I could go on if it wasn't for him. I'm so depressed and feeling alot of anger right now. Life feels like it's over. Don't feel like me at all. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's/FTD. I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth till we can move. I know it won't make everything go away, but will have my son nearby
Also know I don't want to over burden him. He's just a great comfort and we've always been very close. We are like the TWO muskateers
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Oh that sounds like a great plan Glad!... I think it's good to have plans and a change of pace... right now (while my mother is with me), I'm getting rid/letting go of 'things' that I have no use for... This will help me later so I don't have memories associated with it!
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Heart, I call my sisters the twisteds. LOL! And I completely understand about far from the maddening crowd as well. That is my plan, still forming. I have my house which had a fire almost ayear ago now that is being rebuilet about a mile from downtown. I plan to sell it when it is complete and hope to find a few acres, a little house to call my own and BREATHE!
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Thank you Jessie.... I'm taking in what you said about your relationships with your brothers. I try to be 'civil' with them when I answer the phone but feel dead inside because all my life we've only talked 'small' talk and I just don't want to do that any more, especially since so much time has passed and I'm really not a part of the family any more. I imderstand what you mean about strange people that come and go in your home that are weird and can't control their children. I have many people around us now because they give my mother a 'social' life by them engaging with her. But quite frankly, if my mother goes befor me, I want to go far away from the maddening crowd. Thank God for the job I have at work. I'm glad you're being strong.
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My brothers are very distant from my mother and me. At one time it bothered me some. Then I figured out that for some reason I had made them better than me. I don't know why I did that. So in my mind I yanked their golden-children pedestals out from under them, so that we were all on equal footing. Now I talk to them, but I don't really want to be bothered with them that much. Their relationship with Mom is what is important, and that is between them and her. I am still polite and attentive to my brothers when they're here, but I don't look for anything to come from them. I care about them and would do battle for them because they are family, but how I feel about myself is independent of how they feel. If they want to help, fine. If not, that's okay, too. It is not their fault, really, since we have never pulled close as a family.

This is going to sound terrible. The only person who has consistently stuck with us during my mother's illness is a young woman that drives me nuts. She is real nice, but she has four kids that were raised by wolves. She brings the kids any time she comes. I try to keep the kids from killing themselves or breaking everything in the house. By the time they leave, I am like a stressed cat with my hair sticking out and my nails in the walls. It ought to be illegal to take kids like that to people's houses.
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Thank you to both of you... Guest an d Glad. I do appreciate you for taking the time to comfort me when you have gone through so much. It would be so nice if we could sit and relax somewhere while we talked... I think I'm this 'way' because my mother is a constant reminder that I'm not like my brother's because I'm not married or have kids... And yet I've done so much to give her a beautiful environment and help her have a 'normal' life... I just feel like the black sheep of this family and my mother has never supported me with my brother's (they don't talk with me while my only nieces grew up, had babies... Included my mother and not me... My mother laughs and talks with them on the phone while I am an outcast. Then, I feel guilty because I should 'enjoy' her while I have her... (My brother's live 1000 miles away and never invite her over... and now she can't travel). It's such a twisted mess and I never feel like the fun-loving person I use to be... Now, so long ago. So, hoe do I except that my mother treats me so coldly while I've given her a quality of life?... How do I accept the animosity I feel towards my brother's and all the loss I now have because of my good heart which feels so numb?.. My mother going on 88 now, so I have to tread lightly with her because of her health.
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Heart, I know very well. I have done all the work for four years, it is now my twisted sisters turn to find out how difficult this has been. And now my Mom is in a facility with an entire team to do what I did mostly alone. I know where you are coming from. Try to get past the hurt, some of us can do this, but most cannot.
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Heart, please don't think me criticizing you. But I've had painful experience post cancer and after losing my mom of persons thinking I came too often for comfort. Maybe their own guilt or avoidance, I was just trying to reinforce you seeking understanding where it is. Some people have limited empathy and narcissism is encouraged in today's society. Funny though-- the very people that had no time for me called expecting I drop everything and come help them when they needed help. Karma. Ps I offered my good thoughts for them, same as they gave me. Got a temper tantrum and shock from them. *shrug* I don't do things to be appreciated but I sure don't keep doing things one sided basis. Take time for you too. You matter.
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Glad... I've been doing just that... (and, I work)... My point is, it's just exhausting and 'empty' when you're the only one doing the caregiving... which means making 'all' the decisions 'all' the time. God knows (literally) that I try every day to do the 'right' things. But, I'm trying to say that it's hard for me to 'accept' the fact that I have no family that cares... and, even my mother supports my brothers while I am doing all the work... I guess I'm the 'scapegoat'... It just hurts.
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Heart, I have been very fortunate with neighbors, though never invited over. One brings soup over occasionally, and helps shovel with a neighbor that has a blower. My mom has had a lawn swervice for years. I suggest that you call a nearby church or see if there are any seniors helping seniors type groups in your area. May even the boy scouts. Often these sorts of organizations are looking for people that need help. Give it a shot and let us know how it goes.
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guestshopadmin... No, I'm definitely not the person that is always "taking from the well"... as a matter of fact (in the past years of caregiving) I have hosted many awesome back yard parties, offered to go out for lunches, etc. But, I just have experienced from other people [now] that 'their' lives (with or without children, etc.) are too important to reciprocate (especially if they are married and you are not). I have neighbors next door that know I am a caregiver, but never ask me over for a brief get-together. These are the people who I've bought girl scout cookies from for their children's fund raisers, etc. I just find a lot more self-centeredness around. Even if I pay a handyman to do something, some of them look at you like "you want me to do what?". My neighbors make sure that when they mow, it's exactly on their property (even if there's a sliver of tall grass in between our properties)... forget anyone helping out with shoveling in the winter... that would be a sin for them to help anyone (other than their own)... It's just not like it 'used to be' anymore (for one reason or another). Sure, there are exceptions ... but far and few... especially tougher as the years go by.
P.S. I wouldn't even ask my 2 brothers for absolutely anything... They've never, ever been any help and have been non-existent since my mother moved here 10 yrs ago...
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Unless one has been given the task of taking care of someone 24/7 365 , they will NEVER understand. This is the first time in 30 years I haven't planted flowers. I am just stuck in this limbo that my life has become . Just waiting for the next " health issue " to "pop" up and turn my family's lives upside down AGAIN. Give up waiting for thanks or help from your siblings. It will cause you nothing but more misery and in your situation you don't need any more of that.
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Heart, it is a sad fact that, frequently, family members that you most feel able to trust take things that you do for granted. Siblings, children, spouses, parents - and the caregiver is usually the person who gets the fuzzy end of the lollipop. This is not a criticism of you for seeking support BUT the people that one goes to for support sometimes suffer the same fatigue that caregivers do - if you are only taking from "the well" and it is not refilled by you or something else the well of compassion will run dry. I agree that this task of caregiving drains you - and the world is full of selfish people. Fortunately this website exists, full of others that understand the need for a kind word or recognition of the effort. But our own pain makes us difficult to be around (and a painful reminder of their own shortcomings). Hugs to you for taking such good care of your loved one. But keep your own oxygen mask handy and create an exit plan when it is needed. I've had to do that with my husband's family. :)
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Thank you for doing this Glad... It's been a difficult task (caregiving) that I never thought would change my life in ways I never thought possible. And, while I feel my happiness/life being sucked out of me, time has gone by and have lost so much youth and optimism. It's so heartbreaking... Even people I thought I could 'go' to I find no longer want to be 'involved'. Sadly, I have experienced that the majority of people are selfish and self-centered, especially family-members. It's the 'world' we life in that is so difficult, but I guess it's always been that way.
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I am responding to this again, to get it moved to the top, hoping others will respond.
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Hi heart
You are right, we only have one family. My situation became impossible, my Mom placed in a facility Saturday after I had cared for herr four years at home. My sibs rarely helped and in fact called APS on me. After that call I lasted another three years as investigator found nothing amiss, instead he reported excellent care.

Dementia has taken my mom, she is not who she once was. And her disease tore her family apart. If she onlky knew. But there is another kind of family that is found when one is a caregiver. These are the neighbors and professionals that were there for me as support. We had a regular caregiver on Saturdays and she has been my primary source of support.

They say you cannot pick your family. But you can certainly choose the people that provide necessary support. The people that consistently help my mom, and support me are my family, they get it! So latch onto friends and other helpers thay will be the only people that you will ever be able to rely on.
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