I care for my 97 yr old father in his home. He is mentally good but poor mobility.
Back story. I had breast cancer about 5 yrs ago, no help or support from my family. My one brother actually said he was sick of hearing about my little “speck”. 3 yrs ago my ex lost his job and stopped paying my alimony, I went through my savings, took on 2 extra jobs besides my main one, sold everything that had any value. Still lost my health insurance and then my home. I lost hundreds of thousands of dollars (my home was in a country living magazine issue). During these 3 years I also lost my mother and my 2 dogs. There were days I couldn't afford to eat, I went to food pantry’s and ate crackers... I moved out of state, away from my friends to live with dad. He needed help anyway, seemed like a perfect fit. Well since I’ve been here I realize he needs constant supervision. I took a p/t temp job but he fell 3 times tearing a rotator cuff my first week. He won’t eat or drink when I’m not home to make him. He has no concept of safety.
I’m trying to find a p/t early morning job before he is up but it’s hard. I am thankful for room and board but I still have bills to pay. Saw a local ad for a live- in caregiver for a mobile woman. Full room and board plus $100 a day. Just used this as an example to my 3 sibs. Next week he has 5 dr appts, 4 in 3 days. Said if they want me here 24/7 I need financial help. Otherwise I have to get a full time job and dad will be on his own for 9 hrs or so. Got the nastiest email back from “speck” brother saying how dare I ask for money to take care of our father and he is sick of my being whiny. Meanwhile in the 10 months I have been here he has only been down to visit once and called 3 times. Called my sis and she got short with me implying that I’m too much drama. I have no friends here, no support, some weeks I don’t even talk to anyone other than dad and get no respite.
I love cooking for my dad , I try to make tasty, healthy meals for him but he pretty much has no teeth so it’s a challenge. My sister gets on me for spending too much money on groceries and says I should just give him baby food.
I hate my sibs right now, told “speck” brother to go to h*** and he said “you first”. Feel sooo alone...

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In the state of PA they have agencies that will train you, u become their employee and get paid for caring for Dad. Might not be much but may cover ur bills. Start with calling Care agencies in ur area and see if they provide this. Office of Aging too.

Does Dad have a POA? If not, would be a good idea for him to assign one if he is able to make informed decisions. U need both financial and medical. You as his caregiver would be the better choice.

Toller; Concerning dad's income being over the limit for Medicaid, there is an instrument called a Miller Trust. Google that term and the name of your state; it's also sometimes referred to as a pooled income trust. The excess income goes into a trust that reverts to the State upon death, thus qualifying the person for medicaid.

There are good care homes and bad care homes. my mother THRIVED in both her Independent Living facility and in the NH she went to after a stroke (we tried an Assisted Living facility, but she needed more care than was available).

My mother was NEVER a particularly sociable person, but she enjoyed watching people. In IL, she actually joined various "clubs" (She was the consistent winner the Stock Market club for several months running!) and went to EVERYONE's religious services, since she was fascinated by varying religious beliefs.

She got better medical care because there was a geriatrician who had an office on site; she could WALK to her own appointments and call him whenever she had blip in her BP; there was a geriatric psychiatrist who was on site every week or so, who visiting mom in her apartment, got her on a regular low dose of anti anxiety meds and pushed for a cognitive evaluation that helped us understand why she was so anxious.

In short, Dad may be happier, less lonely in a good care center, allowing YOU to get on with your life.

I would give your siblings exactly the amount of consideration they've given you. That is to say 'none". Consider them specks and flick them off your sleeve.

Sometimes a care center is actually better for an elder than having only one other adult to interact with. My mother thrived in the NH, with activities available at least twice a day, outings, live entertainment brought in, and help whenever she needed it. She loved our visits and was quite content at the NH. So please don't think you can't place Dad in a good care center because you love him. Finding a good care center may be one of the ways you show your love.

Of course you are entitled to be paid for your caregiving services, over and above room and board. It is entirely up to your father whether to go along with this. If this is the route you take, be sure and have a valid written caregiver agreement in place, and pay appropriate taxes on the money. Call the Area Agency on Aging and ask for advice on how to go about this.

If Dad is unwilling to do this, then I think you really have no choice but to find a great care center for him.

How are you supposed to pay for your hair cuts and your clothing and your dentist appointment, etc. etc. with just getting room and board?

Perhaps your siblings are (selfishly) concerned about diminishing their inheritance. Ha! There won't be any inheritance for anyone, and more than likely Dad will need to rely on public assistance before this is all over. Or maybe your sibs just don't like you. Given their lack of support during your hard times, that seems a probable cause of their behavior. Or may they don't like Dad. In any case, leave them out of discussions about compensation for you. You and dad and a lawyer can work that out.

And while you are consulting a lawyer, get some help with qualifying Dad for Medicaid.

so if there is some way like the others said about putting your dad in a facility. I have to just say its really not a ~bad thing~. I know know this. and you've heard it all before. but I'll say it again. its possible to find a GOOD facility. with good people.

you said IF THEY WOULD JUST HELP me out. but they're not.
in fact NOT JUST not helping, theyre being rude to boot.

sounds like you would kinda be ok to continue CG. but youre saying you need a regular job, with a regular paycheck.

If he is not qualifying for m-caid right now. ive read how you can spend down with prepaid funeral arrangement etc.

I guess what made me want to post. was just when you said you love your dad and you don't want to put him in a home.
and I love my mom(and dad deceased) and I guess thats partly why I ~did~ put them in AL facility.

when I visit my mom. I see ALL those elderly people and I *like* them all (don't wanna say I love them all but...) I love visiting with them, and talking to them. and helping them even tho they don't know who I am.

but anyway, if you got to the end of this. maybe could just ask your dad if he may want to check out some AL places. he might find a good fit.

Can you arrange for a caregiving contract with your father? It sounds like he does have some income and it is entirely reasonable for him to pay you for services. That is assuming you want to continue to care for him. Mentally "deep six" your sibs - they won't help and you don't need their nastiness. Paying you is up to your dad, not them. However, I don't think it is wise to put your life on hold, especially job-wise. These days, that has to have priority.

He doesn’t qualify for Medicaid right now . Doesn’t have much but just over the limit. I filed all the paperwork for VA penision and aid and attendance to help me but we only got $200. Not much but it would help me a little bit. Sibs don’t think I deserve it... if they would just help me out I could care for him. I love my dad, I don’t want to put him in a home.

Can you apply for Medicaid and find a facility for your dad? Then, find a full-time job and get back on your feet. Your family has cut you loose. I would not contact them again. You don’t owe them updates about Dad and they don’t care anyway.

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