Follow
Share

Relatives; My mother and father in law are a perfect example of this very issue. As my husband their son drives 8 hours once per week to mow the yard of my mother and father in law he is then met with requests to go mow the yard of the long passed grandmother whose home his mother refuses to sell so we are spending 300.00 each time with gas and food to do this when they could readily employ yard mowers for much less but the mere mention of THEM spending a dime is completely taboo. In the meantime we are hemorrhaging money taking care of their need PLUS caring for my mom who lives with us and has brain cancer. Yes my mom isn't much better but at least I can semi control this as we pay all the bills for her...on OUR dime. Yes I am one NPI number from running a nursing facility! The only difference is I am paying financially and emotionally versus receiving money for any of this. As my father in law only this past Thursday had a head on collision after taking a nitro glycerine for chest pain and passing out behind the wheel now he has broken fingers ribs and a broken ankle in the dead of summer, he and my mother in law had the unmitigated Gall to tell my husband the yards (plural) had to be mowed at least once per week because "mother likes a pretty yard on Sundays" BARF! I say beggars can't be choosers but then I am out of line! My husband has become a habitual rescuer and I am at a loss of what to do! His mother is a hypochondriac who complains obsessively about things that are wrong with her when in actuality she is in very good health for 76 and my father in law who is 84 is actually in very poor health and refuses to accept it. I think the whole bunch should be committed to the local mental hospital for evaluation...but I digress, I do want to be kind and helpful but this is really becoming a financial burden. On top of everything else when the accident occured my mother in laws sis called me very upset asking WHY am I not coming to care for my mother in law because she needs help! I told her well...I work 2 jobs, care for my OWN mom and my child! She has 3 sons so...why is it I have to drop MY life and care for my mother in law? Also, We have a 12 year old daughter who is being deprived of time her dad should be spending with her and I am missing my husband. I can't voice my opinion because then as I mentioned above I am out of line and being "completely negative" I am at a loss. I don't even know how to address this issue it feels complex to say the VERY least and my opinion and wishes are not respected! We are both exhausted I feel we are in a no win situation, now its been a couple of weeks since the accident and my mother in law continues to call with her "problems I personally feel she is addicted to pain meds she has most likely taken all of my father in laws pain meds and HE was the only one hurt in the accident ( I mean really hurt) with true injuries..ok I have complained enough. Now I have to go pick up my mom she spent a week with her mom now she wants to come home so I have to go drive 8 hrs to pick up a woman whose perfectly capable of driving herself but refuses, my mom is a whole other issue in itself! My husband's parents were good parents unlike mine but I still feel this total disconnection with all this rescuing . It feels like a lot of "success in failure" and bad behavior on the part of adults none of which have EVER spent time with my daughter THEIR grandchild! Ever since they found out she was autistic they just stopped coming around "the dog" suddenly didn't like the beach anymore that was when our daughter was 4. They've only seen her sporadically since maybe a couple of times per year and when I don't go see them my child doesn't go. There are many reasons for that too, she is not treated very nicely and at your grandparents home you shouldn't have to ask to use the potty, get a glass of water, have a snack or MOVE as far as that goes. It became very upsetting for me and my child who felt like outsiders. So now we're expected to just put all that aside and run to the rescue? What on earth do I do with this situation? Sorry to be so long winded but HELP ME PLEASE

Find Care & Housing
I completely agree! My mom is 65 she gets my dad's ss because she never worked enough in her miserable life to earn her own, my husband's parents are more than capable of paying they definitely have the disposable income...they just won't cheaper for them to visit this on is and my husband's 2 brothers are as useless as my mom...unless they need money! Anyway yes I have a total disaster and I would have NEVER voluntarily moved to this hell hole bc of my mom. We were never ever close my dad died in 2014 of cihrrosis and she said he deserved it but she is much worse than he ever was. Both by commission and omission not to mention blaming me when I told her I was molested...She told me I shouldn't have run thru the house in my underwear at the age of 3. I brought it on myself...yeah there's a whole lot of resentment between she and I. My dad and I had actually made amends I knew he was dying, he apologized and begged for my forgiveness. As a spiritual person forgiving didn't make what he did right, but it made me free.
So yes our entire situation is a crazy mess and my husband had back surgery 6 weeks ago and hernia surgery 4 weeks ago BUT still they expect him to do this. I put my foot down when he was in the hospital and said he would NOT be doing this and his mom as manipulative as she is whined and whimpered till he relented. I have literally had it, I just want to put my head in the sand and wait for ALL of them to kick the bucket! I know...not nice but darn it felt nice to say
(1)
Report

All I can say is OMG! How old is ur Mom? Where is your Dad? Asking because if Mom is 62 then she can collect SS and pay her own bills. If she is a widow she can collect at 60. If divorced, married 10yrs, and they r both SS age, she may get more from his SS.

See, I have no problem with helping parents but I can't see using my money if they have some. Your husband driving 8 hrs to mow lawns is ridiculous. Thats a days drive. This can't be good for his health. I can't imagine why any parent would expect a child to do this. I think counselling for both of you is needed. For no other reason than to get an impartial look at your situation. These parents need to see that you are killing yourselves, because you are. You holding down two jobs, why? to support them? You should be spending time with your daughter. She should be husbands and your top priority. You both need to learn boundries. What you are willing and not willing to do. Maybe MIL will sell Moms house if she can't afford to have the grass mowed. You are allowing this to happen and need to learn how to say No. Are in-laws aware of your financial situation? That your daughter misses your husband? Maybe husband needs to sit down and talk to Mom and tell her changes need to be made. Oh, and I understand about how people deal with a child with a disability. My husband has been hard of hearing since 3 or 4 from an accident. His Mom never accepted it. She just overlooked it. My husband was in the backyard when an Aunt who was visiting started hollering out the backdoor at him. He didn't hear her and she made a statement "why can't he hear me" and I said "because he is deaf". Boy, the look I got from my MIL. Another time she was giving him directions in the car looking straight ahead and talking low. I leaned over and told her she needed to speak up and talk to his ear. Again, she got mad. She lived with him 34yrs and never understood his problem, or chose not to.

Above is just suggestions. There are enough members who are in your situation. Its the way we were raised, I think. In hindsight, it probably should not have gone this far and now its going to be a bitch to fix with MIL holding a grudge. Because I think she wore the pants in the family. No one ever said no to Mom. You both have to realize that your family is at the top, parents come second now. Good Luck in finding a solution.
(2)
Report

I sincerely hope so... he wants to go back this weekend because one of his useless brothers was supposed to go mow for their parents, showed up and because the parents weren't there he left. Not to return, now my husband again...to the rescue. He asked me to go and I said no and our daughter isn't going either! He wasn't happy about it but I am sick of doing this...so sick now we are on the third year of this. His dad, I understand but darn it they have PLENTY of $ to pay for this done and I am sick of slavery! His mom was a slave to her parents but I refuse to be a slave to his! I have my own problems. This morning, I go to my usual appointment, as I mentioned I am on my 12th year of sobriety and I intend to stay that way! (Opioids) from 4 back surgeries following a car accident. I am well and healthy and I really have no intention of ever going back down that road. I have enough to do without a disconnection from reality. Thank you all for your support and words positive and negative I DO want to hear it all! God Bless
(3)
Report

Venting here is fine and you’re always more than welcome. But, you need one on one, face to face counseling where you can be given tools to help yourself get off this hamster wheel you’re on. Maybe when DH sees your success, he will realize he wants off the wheel too.
(3)
Report

You both need therapy, dear. For different reasons.

Just start out by finding your own. You really need to get some clear advice about this situation.
(2)
Report

also I want to thank you all and tough answers to a difficult situation is truly what I need keep going...please and I want to thank you ALL for comments and feedback positive and negative I want and need to hear it ALL
(1)
Report

yes, boundaries and counseling is a fantastic idea! When my father passed in 2014 from cirrhosis from alcohol abuse in 2014 my mother a very depressed alcoholic couldn't or wouldn't care for herself any longer, the house was falling into complete disrepair and my husband had the BRILLIANT idea to care for her...so, we sold our home and moved here, with me kicking and SCREAMING every step of the way! I too fight addiction issues and have been clean for 12 years however, living with my mother has unearthed demons not to be believed! My husband is more like ralph crandom (honeymooners) than I care to admit. A good man but he was raised in a family where woman have had rights (His mother raised 3 boys) all are divorced (go figure) except for us and as for me, I have a sister who swoops in from her jet- set lifestyle long enough for mom to see the white horse and say ooh here comes my baby and leave (literally long enough to F*$! things up, then she goes back to her life only to resurface again long enough to tell me what I am not doing right or to ask my mom what she spent money on (yes, my mother does have her own $$ but and my sister on her account I have access to nothing. Mom, her $$ is for HER expenses only) and that means buying garbage on the internet and her prescriptions. otherwise, its all us. Now, my sister is on my moms account, will take all her life insurance and the two lots of land behind our house (granted they will be up for sale before she is cold in her tomb) Anyway, all of this property is not my moms it belongs to my grandmother and grandfather who are honestly two of the best people who ever had rosemary's baby. That being said my mother does NO wrong and I SHOULD WANT to care for this 65 year old burn out (who never cared for me and took me out of school when I was 14 to help pay the bills because they couldn't)was that tmi @ once?? so yes I have been with my husband for 22 years and I am 36 ok...do that math! He is 10 years older than me and after a brutal physical altercation at this particular home which we live in now BTW he asked me to live with him, he put me back in school helped me get my first car and finish college. Something my sister never managed to do but I am nowhere near the pick or the show pony for that matter as I do not travel the world with a fancy job (God knows how my sister got it, but one tends to pontificate) in any event yes my life is a complete disaster I love my husband and my daughter and I feel I am blessed to have what I do have but I feel the line of codependency within our family (on both sides) runs VERY deep. To be honest there isn't a counselor in the world who wouldn't say the exact same. My moms parents are enablers, I am an enabler, my husband is as well and what I can't understand is his parents were religious, never drank and were the pillars of the community! Now, we are in a cycle I don't know how to break and I can't get him to see that this is damaging. To OUR family! he wasn't always on the serial rescuing jag, or was he??? Guess it kinda started with me didn't it? But as I write this I wonder, is it me who needs therapy or is it him?? He hasn't drawn a line in the sand ever and I am not sure how to pull a 46 year old man out of it except to say take this darn house and shove it! ALL OF IT and get my child and run as far and as fast as I can (leaving him to continue caring for these people) okay I know.. long and infuriating at the least. I feel like a slave, and I work so hard? My daughter is fantastic, she is the best adjusted kid anyone could ever hope to have! A miracle! I don't deserve to be her mom to be honest I am so blessed but my husband wants this home (which has a lot of value) to be her home when she gets old enough, but at what price? Our sanity?
(1)
Report

I trust it's not your husband tell you that you are out of line. Because if it is, I'd I'd tell him to go live with mommy and daddy.

He needs to how up and learn to say no to his parents.
(3)
Report

Get thee to a counselor - STAT. You should not be paying for mom. Your in-laws should be hiring help. You both are slaves to your parents.
(4)
Report

Wow.

Why does your mother have to live with you, if she can drive 8 hours by herself? And why are you paying all of her bills?

Between her and your H running to his parents every weekend, the two of you are just puppets on multiple strings, aren't you?

As always, I ask...are there siblings of either of you? Why are the two of you stuck with eldercare?

Boundaries. You need boundaries.
(3)
Report