I have been lucky. Until recently, my mother was fairly self sufficient so I felt I could leave her alone for periods of time, in order to go to the gym, have a social life, etc. My mother is 89 yrs old and I am 65, divorced, no kids. We have lived together since my divorce nearly 20 years ago.
Just in the last month, my mother's health has taken a nose dive. She had a compression fracture in her back, which sent her into spasms of pain. She now need to have 7/24, as she has problems walking. I am going to get her an adjustable cane per the PT's recommendation.

My sister, who lives 10 minutes away is useless. She refuses to help mom and calls her on the phone to re-enact old family quarrels. I am paying my nephew, who is 31 and works nights to watch my mom on the rare occasion I need to go somewhere for some time. He is also almost useless, as all he does is watch TV and does not check on Mom, monitor her vitals or talk with her. Still, it's peace of mind to have someone who is family and can call 911 in case of an emergency.

Still working on solutions. There have been a slew of nurse, social worker and Physical Therapist coming by the house to check on her. Also working on getting a POA & Living directive

So there it is. My sister will never help or come around as she is a bitter, unhappy woman who blames everyone for her own misery. We have no other relatives in the area. It's a change in my life, but it's my mother and I will take care of her.

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At least your sister gave you your nephew! My advice is to never rely on family to pitch in because they never will in 99.9% of families. With my mother, it’s me, myself & I besides the private pay caregiver. I have her about 35-40 hrs a week…nobody else comes. I don’t need anyone coming to expect I’m going to entertain them, cook for them or make house neat & clean for them. I have to help aide a lot since my mother is 94 with dementia. Lots of times my mother doesn’t want to cooperate with holding on to handles of lift machine..can’t turn & just is like a dead piece of wood. First try caregivers from agency to find right one. Do you also have emergency alert button for her? The decline will get worse so be prepared. Hugs 🤗

sending hugs to you, lavenderbear :). nice name :).

you said:
lucky to have family.

i must tell you, sometimes there are family members who are truly toxic, who do awful things, who do not care, who seek to destroy/cause harm.

i wish us all courage.
i hope our various difficult situations improve.


is there a specific reason your mothers vitals get checked so often? that's usually not something a short-time sitter does. cut your nephew some slack. he's there and can call EMS if there's an emergency., 6r get her 64t 6f the h64se 5n case 6f fire. you can't make your sister help.

Thinking of you, Kaki.

I also have a useless sister and I'm physically disabled living back 'home' with my older mother and fiancé. My mother is in her mid 80s (I've older parents, I'm still in my 40s). Despite my chronic pain and walking problems I do the things I can to help her but she isn't very easy to live with - not a new thing, I've always been her scapegoat. My fiancé does the more physical stuff. I've two able-bodied siblings living on the same road and a couple of roads away who only leach off my mum. It's a pretty toxic family and makes the pain in my fractured back and nerve-damaged hip worse. No one gets it unless they too have to deal with toxic family. Thinking of you, good that you can get out.

A positive thought for you. Even though they're not very helpful - you have family! That's a miracle to some of us who are Caregivers to our last remaining family member.

Even though your sister & nephew aren't around much, you have someone to call if your Mom is on your way to the hospital in an ambulance. You have someone to talk to. People who care.

You are lucky, please look at the bright side, because there definitely is one!

Yes, you may be a solo caregiver - but, you will never have to feel scared and alone because there's always a family member you can call to talk to if there's an emergency, or if you just need to talk. And, believe me - that's worth it's weight in gold.

Please don't waste time being annoyed at your sister. She is a blessing to you in her own way, as is your nephew. They obviously love you and care.

I have hired caregivers to come a couple times a week in order to allow me to have a break.
My family don't live in the area but, we do have it set up that if I die before our mom, my brother who lives 2 states over will take her in. Aside from that...I hire people for things.
I used to enjoy mowing the lawn ... now, I have to hire someone.
Sometimes, I have to use instacart for groceries.
And of course the aides. And will be increasing the frequency and duration as needed.

Kaki, sounds like you got this!

You know where you are, you can see the issues & are actively looking for real solutions for them.

You are the driver! 💪💪Not waiting for the world to drive you somewhere (where your sister may be?)

Keep looking for pathways & remember you can always CHANGE to another one if you need to. But collect your team for the journey - it can be lonely, exhausting & dangerous as a solo caregiver..

Well done 👍👍.
Keep updating if it helps 😀

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