haven't had a decent relationship with my 82 year old mother since I left home at 19. She has always been self-centered and self-destructive, and I'm sure she is baffled as to how she has managed to live so long. NONE of the behaviors I am about to describe are new or because of age-related health issues.
She has shown no interest in my children or me and has only contacted me over the years to ask for money or complain about how her boyfriend was treating her. She was living with an abusive younger man from 1993 to last year, when he died. I had called Adult Protection Services twice after hearing some of her stories about his behavior but when the authorities showed up, she always denied that there was a problem and told them that I was a liar.
After his death she started contacting me more often and demanding attention and help. She expected me to drop everything I was doing (including homeschooling a special needs child) and take her to the bank, grocery, doctor visits, and pharmacy. I have taken her to appointments and grocery trips a couple of times this year but since I live about 45 minutes away, I thought it would be easier to send her transportation vouchers for discounted cab rides. I had encouraged her to sell her car because she couldn't afford to maintain it, it wasn't functional most of the time, and her eyesight and reflexes have gotten so bad that she shouldn't be driving anyway. The only reason her license was renewed the last time was because she bullied the BMV employee who gave her the eye test. She was furious that I sent her the vouchers and wasn't driving her myself.
When she told me she wanted to move out of the mobile home where she currently lives (belongs to boyfriend's son), I sent her applications for assisted living apartments and section 8 housing. She claims the applications are too difficult to figure out. I told her that volunteers from the senior citizens center would be happy to help her, but she refuses to discuss financial matters with strangers!
Literally every time I try to help her in any way, she sabotages my efforts or refuses to follow through with anything, then tells people that I never help her. She has decided that since she is now old and has had a rough life that she should not have to pay for things. She didn't bother depositing a pension check at the bank and ran up over $300 in overdraft fees. I convinced the bank manager to waive the fees just this once. She then did it again a few months later. I spent half an hour making payment arrangements for her at the local clinic ($20 per month to pay off a $120 bill) but now she is refusing to pay even that! She now says that if she is going to be charged, she won't seek out medical care at all anymore, despite her complaints of nausea (of course, half a fifth of gin a day would make anyone's stomach hurt).
She threw her dentures away because they were getting uncomfortable and now can barely eat with the few teeth she has left. She refuses to make an appointment at the local university's dental school's free dental program because she doesn't want to go all the way across town and doesn't believe the students are qualified enough to fit her with new dentures.
Most recently I found someone who would come to her home and do her hair, so that she would not need to take a cab to the hair salon, but since the woman was black, my mother ( who is very racist) threw a fit and refused to let her in. When I sent a (white) handyman out to fix her shower, she refused to let him in either. She screamed at me for treating her so badly and sending "n*****s" to her home and told me she wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
I am done trying to help and being thwarted constantly. I realize that I'm the only family she has left, but I can't do this. If she ends up in the hospital, I'm guessing that the social workers there will figure out what to do with her.