How to care for an uncontrollable elderly parent.

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My sister and I are caregivers to uncontrollable elderly parent. Mom is in fair to good health and does not have dementia. However, she fights us tooth and nail on health issues. She won't let us go into the doctor's office for her visits and recently when blood pressure shot up to 183 over 190, would not let us take her to doctor or emergency room. Had horrible scream out with her out of frustration and she still wouldn't go. It's like this for everything with her. Her judgment is out of whack. Afraid she could get stroke or worse. She is the type that wants to wait until something happens before going to doctor. We are trying to keep her healthy and to head things off at the pass before they happen. Not sure how to deal with her moving forward. She is forcing us to leave her alone more and then we'll have to deal with the probelms when the occur. We live in a mother daughter same home. She lives upstairs, we down. We are single. We have no life anymore. All we do is argue with her and feel depressed and disgusted all the time. She is forcing us to stay away from her more and more. You just can't talk to her or get her to do the right thing. Also, of late, she is wearing the same clothes for two days. When you tell her about it she yells that she is the mother and she only wore them for 2 hours and can wear again. She is just becomming more and more belligerent. We take her to the doctor once every 3 months for general health checkup and she won't let us in the office with him. We take her to eye doctor also every 3 months for general health checkup and same here. She is having serious problem in getting prescription for eye glasses and we've taken her to doctor so many times in last month. But she still won't let us in office with doctor. I think even the doctors are blowing her off. If we try to go into the doctor office with her she has a hissy fit in the office and causes a scene. We are at our wits end with her. We are feeling that if she wants to do all this on her own and wait until something happens, then she is in God's hands. Let her call 911 when she drops. Hard to explain this in words and please don't think we are harsh ... we just don't know how to deal with her anymore. She has been a hard and selfish woman most of her life and when our dad past 10 years ago, she just got worse. She feels like she has no control since she has to depend on us for everything. And instead of being grateful or working with us, she fights us tooth and nail. I work and my sister is the home caregive during the day, I in the evening and on weekends. We have no lives anymore, not that that matters. We just want to have normal lives and peace. But she is gettng more and more difficult. Not even sure why writing to you kind folks. Sometimes it just feels better to write about it. But I'm worried she could have something and because she is so obstinate, that her lack of taking care of an issue in a timely manner, can cause something really bad to happen, like stroke or heart attack.

How do we get our mom to understand that we must have control. She keeps saying she is the mother and what she says goes. I can't deal with this much longer.

It has been 10 years of this and it's getting worse. I'm 55 years old and single and have no life. I work all day and deal with this all nite and weekends. My sister deals with it all day. She is 50 and single and has no life. We are miserable and suffering. We don't know what to do anymore.

So as of now we are leaving mom on her own. We cook her meals and bring to her but pretty much are leaving her on her own. We hardly speak to her when she's like this. We take her to doctor when she has an appointment and then home. But we are trying to have two separate lives in one house. This is how we are trying to cope this month anyway.

I kjnow this is probably wrong, but we just can't take this much more.

Mom is mean and nasty and just plain difficult.

I have great sympathy for her. She lost her husband, doesn't drive and has no friends. But I can't let this overtake mine and my sister's life.

We need to find a way to cope and exist together.

I wish there was an easy answer, but I know there is not.

I want to run away. Sorry to be so long winded and thank you for listening.

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Poor you guys its so hard for all us carers.....My questions would be: Why live with her? Why not both of you go to work and get some outside help for her?....Don't give up your lives for someone who doesn't want you too...... Speak to her doctor, there will be a solution....just not this one or maybe an altered version of this one? Stay strong...its such a horrible situation and daily battle....I know :(
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How awful. I'm so sorry. Maybe you can get help from the local Office on Aging or whatever the equivalent is where you live. Also might consult the Ombudsman for the Elderly. It IS possible to turn all this over to the state, but you may not like what they end up deciding to do. It sounds like a form of dementia to me too. Yes, do go see her doctor and tell them all! And if he or she is no help, take your mom to another one who specializes in Geriatrics if you can.
I may not be much help but I took care of an aged parent with (evidently Alzheimer's, but I didn't know till she had died that this was the situation) for about 15 years. I was lucky. For the most part, she seemed to understand the need for various changes in her life. I really hope you will come through it and be ok and I am sure you will. I'm a Quaker, and as we say, I will "Hold you in the Light." It's a form of prayer. Be well
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I to have the clothes thing. My Father usually throws stones at me when I tell him he has an odor or needs to bathe. No matter HOW I word it. He to creates stress. I thought I had it together this week and he used up the gas in the car not putting in more. He to blows up. I have tried taking most tasks away from him and then it's almost as if he makes a point on creating NEW issues. Last week he tore apart a cupboard and left it looking like someone went through it looking for drugs. I am now working on trying to keep him busy. That is one coping tactic. However he is bucking me on the issue. He doesn't want to go anyhwere or do anything and will create a crap storm.
Also, respite care was suggested to me. He refuses to go. Maybey she will go. I am not sure of the situation in your home.
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for the sake of this conversation ill enter the elder mindset right now .
" yea i have my share of health problems . if i want to go to doc ill let you know . otherwise mind your own business " .
i want a sandwich dammnt ..
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I had the same issues with my mother.This will sound terrible but I treated ( treat her)her as I did my children and my animals.
No anger, no options.My way despite the tantrums,the screaming the threats.
When out in public or the doctors I told her that her tantrums would only prove to people that she was incompetent.They'd look at me, they'd look at her and think "poor dear, she's lost it"
She'd have them and I'd just stand there.It didn't take long before she figured out I was right and outings out were far more pleasant when she cooperated.
Diapers were a long struggle.She fought me on that one for months.Finally after months of wetting her pants and dropping little poops as she walked across the floor she realized this embarrassment could be dealt with in a dignified manner.
At one point I told her honestly that if she didn't accept my help the state would step in and take over and she'd lose all, control over her life. She might have dementia she wasn't stupid and the change in her attitude though gradual was progressive.
I do not suffer bad language, insults etc.I tell her so and walk away.
Now she even asks for help buttoning a shirt or changing her depends.
If I think she can do it though I let her.I let her struggle until I see she ready then offer.She is embarrassed,she doesn't want to be a burden.I get it so I remind her often that one day we all need help.Someday I too will need help and she's still helping learn lessons life is yet to teach me.I let her know that her growing disabilities are teaching me a valuable lesson.That what a mother does until they die and she is still my mother.
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You're not alone regarding having a Mom with those traits. I don't have an answer. I think things are normal when not with her. When I go there it starts. Trivial nitpicking about nonsensical stuff. She seems just to want to pick fights. I guess there are a lot of seniors like this. No good, easy answers.
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I know the feeling to be honest with you. My mother who is almost 68 is the same way with me. Now she is keeping a calendar mark of every day the toilet paper roll is put on the toilet paper holder. She throws her money situation in my face constantly saying I have this and that to go on. She dropped from paying for my lock up which honestly I never asked her to do in the first place. She is still able to work. Just like you I am not even sure what to do anymore. I have had to ask my ex husband to help me get my groceries and etc now. I am not able to work due to not having a vehicle and no one around my town likes hiring anybody that doesn't have a vehicle. I have been turned down many times cause of this. I have yet found a job online but she constantly telling me I need a real paycheck like she does. Whatever you do please don't feel guilty just do what I do when my mother is being belligerent I ignore her. Though lately its not helping.
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I understand what you are going through and I too have a very difficult mother; however, I beat her to the draw. I sat down and wrote her primary care physician about her behavior and health issues. When we went in for hef appointment they took her back and placed her in a room per the usual doctors visit. Immediately after getting mother situated the doctor took me in her office and we had a private conversation about my concerns. I suggest you do this with her physicians; they can offer suggestions, run tests they may not have performed before, etc. It does seem like your mom is beginning to show signs of dementia and you will need the documentation if nothing else.

I wish you and your sister the best,
Bev
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I'm not sure if your mom has a relationship with Jesus but you may ask her. You can say a prayer like..."Heavenly Father, Thank you for sending Jesus to die on the cross for my sins. Please forgive me. Please come into my heart and rein forever by the power of Your Holy Spirit." When Jesus died on the cross He took upon Himself all sickness, disease, infirmities, curses, and the Word says by His stripes on his back he recieved, we are healed in His name. It's a spiritual battle we face and Satan and his demons are good and trying to destroy us. Once she recieves Jesus for her Savior and Lord, her identity is in Him. I would look for natural ways to help with her health if she doens't want to go to the doctor. Type in natural remedies for .....blood pressure or whatever and pray what you find she will accept. I work for a lady who never went to the doctor. Finally after years she went so we could get some things through Medicare like a hospital bed, wheelchair, parking permit. Now we go about once a year and she seems just fine. She takes only one pill for cholestral. We had noticed signs of stroke before and had a nurse here and then brought her to the hospital and they did nothing. I will pray for her blood pressure to go down. God can do anything, especially when we agree. TBN (TV network) is good to have on and also Christian music. They have prayer chains too. Praisefm is one in MN or KTIS. You will see huge difference. Most of all respect your moms wishes for now but ask her if you could help her with shower or changing clothes. Pray the mind of Christ if she knows Jesus and tell the devil to go!
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My mother never really had any interests, so I think of her as being very average in intelligence. She did the housewife thing as her life's career. She did it very poorly, IMO.

I just got off the phone with her, she often calls me in the middle of the day and starts to complain about everything and everyone she has recently been in contact with. She never asks, "do you have a minute?" - she just dives right into her complaining.

Today it was how her visiting nurse is stealing her bandages and sneaking around behind her back and calling her doctor without her being present; the escalating monthly expenses - she insists in living alone in a 3 bedroom house with a large lawn; and my sister, the mooch.

I tell her that I have a mortgage to pay every month, so I know what monthly expenses are, she comes back with, "that's because you didn't have enough money to pay cash for your home."

When I say to her, I have to go back to work - I work from home quite often - she acts like I'm being mean/rejecting her, and tries to make me feel guilty.

It used to work on me, I would go into a rage for the rest of the day. Now, after doing some really intense work on detaching, I see her behavior as an attempt at manipulation, and I don't take it personally - I just say goodbye, and hang up.
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