My sister and I are caregivers to uncontrollable elderly parent. Mom is in fair to good health and does not have dementia. However, she fights us tooth and nail on health issues. She won't let us go into the doctor's office for her visits and recently when blood pressure shot up to 183 over 190, would not let us take her to doctor or emergency room. Had horrible scream out with her out of frustration and she still wouldn't go. It's like this for everything with her. Her judgment is out of whack. Afraid she could get stroke or worse. She is the type that wants to wait until something happens before going to doctor. We are trying to keep her healthy and to head things off at the pass before they happen. Not sure how to deal with her moving forward. She is forcing us to leave her alone more and then we'll have to deal with the probelms when the occur. We live in a mother daughter same home. She lives upstairs, we down. We are single. We have no life anymore. All we do is argue with her and feel depressed and disgusted all the time. She is forcing us to stay away from her more and more. You just can't talk to her or get her to do the right thing. Also, of late, she is wearing the same clothes for two days. When you tell her about it she yells that she is the mother and she only wore them for 2 hours and can wear again. She is just becomming more and more belligerent. We take her to the doctor once every 3 months for general health checkup and she won't let us in the office with him. We take her to eye doctor also every 3 months for general health checkup and same here. She is having serious problem in getting prescription for eye glasses and we've taken her to doctor so many times in last month. But she still won't let us in office with doctor. I think even the doctors are blowing her off. If we try to go into the doctor office with her she has a hissy fit in the office and causes a scene. We are at our wits end with her. We are feeling that if she wants to do all this on her own and wait until something happens, then she is in God's hands. Let her call 911 when she drops. Hard to explain this in words and please don't think we are harsh ... we just don't know how to deal with her anymore. She has been a hard and selfish woman most of her life and when our dad past 10 years ago, she just got worse. She feels like she has no control since she has to depend on us for everything. And instead of being grateful or working with us, she fights us tooth and nail. I work and my sister is the home caregive during the day, I in the evening and on weekends. We have no lives anymore, not that that matters. We just want to have normal lives and peace. But she is gettng more and more difficult. Not even sure why writing to you kind folks. Sometimes it just feels better to write about it. But I'm worried she could have something and because she is so obstinate, that her lack of taking care of an issue in a timely manner, can cause something really bad to happen, like stroke or heart attack.
How do we get our mom to understand that we must have control. She keeps saying she is the mother and what she says goes. I can't deal with this much longer.
It has been 10 years of this and it's getting worse. I'm 55 years old and single and have no life. I work all day and deal with this all nite and weekends. My sister deals with it all day. She is 50 and single and has no life. We are miserable and suffering. We don't know what to do anymore.
So as of now we are leaving mom on her own. We cook her meals and bring to her but pretty much are leaving her on her own. We hardly speak to her when she's like this. We take her to doctor when she has an appointment and then home. But we are trying to have two separate lives in one house. This is how we are trying to cope this month anyway.
I kjnow this is probably wrong, but we just can't take this much more.
Mom is mean and nasty and just plain difficult.
I have great sympathy for her. She lost her husband, doesn't drive and has no friends. But I can't let this overtake mine and my sister's life.
We need to find a way to cope and exist together.
I wish there was an easy answer, but I know there is not.
I want to run away. Sorry to be so long winded and thank you for listening.
I may not be much help but I took care of an aged parent with (evidently Alzheimer's, but I didn't know till she had died that this was the situation) for about 15 years. I was lucky. For the most part, she seemed to understand the need for various changes in her life. I really hope you will come through it and be ok and I am sure you will. I'm a Quaker, and as we say, I will "Hold you in the Light." It's a form of prayer. Be well
Also, respite care was suggested to me. He refuses to go. Maybey she will go. I am not sure of the situation in your home.
" yea i have my share of health problems . if i want to go to doc ill let you know . otherwise mind your own business " .
i want a sandwich dammnt ..
No anger, no options.My way despite the tantrums,the screaming the threats.
When out in public or the doctors I told her that her tantrums would only prove to people that she was incompetent.They'd look at me, they'd look at her and think "poor dear, she's lost it"
She'd have them and I'd just stand there.It didn't take long before she figured out I was right and outings out were far more pleasant when she cooperated.
Diapers were a long struggle.She fought me on that one for months.Finally after months of wetting her pants and dropping little poops as she walked across the floor she realized this embarrassment could be dealt with in a dignified manner.
At one point I told her honestly that if she didn't accept my help the state would step in and take over and she'd lose all, control over her life. She might have dementia she wasn't stupid and the change in her attitude though gradual was progressive.
I do not suffer bad language, insults etc.I tell her so and walk away.
Now she even asks for help buttoning a shirt or changing her depends.
If I think she can do it though I let her.I let her struggle until I see she ready then offer.She is embarrassed,she doesn't want to be a burden.I get it so I remind her often that one day we all need help.Someday I too will need help and she's still helping learn lessons life is yet to teach me.I let her know that her growing disabilities are teaching me a valuable lesson.That what a mother does until they die and she is still my mother.
I wish you and your sister the best,
I just got off the phone with her, she often calls me in the middle of the day and starts to complain about everything and everyone she has recently been in contact with. She never asks, "do you have a minute?" - she just dives right into her complaining.
Today it was how her visiting nurse is stealing her bandages and sneaking around behind her back and calling her doctor without her being present; the escalating monthly expenses - she insists in living alone in a 3 bedroom house with a large lawn; and my sister, the mooch.
I tell her that I have a mortgage to pay every month, so I know what monthly expenses are, she comes back with, "that's because you didn't have enough money to pay cash for your home."
When I say to her, I have to go back to work - I work from home quite often - she acts like I'm being mean/rejecting her, and tries to make me feel guilty.
It used to work on me, I would go into a rage for the rest of the day. Now, after doing some really intense work on detaching, I see her behavior as an attempt at manipulation, and I don't take it personally - I just say goodbye, and hang up.
I've often felt that my 88 year old mother's 'bratishness' - which was always present my entire life - was the result of no one standing up to her: my father, her siblings, her friends. But after talking to my therapist, and doing a lot of research, I feel my mother must has some mild form of autism; probably Asperger's Syndrome.
I tried to get a cognitive analysis done on her, but she accused me of trying to have her put in a nursing home.
When she loves to accuse, and is capable of being very hurtful/insensitive in the things she says.
I've learned to stay away and let her manage the best she can. I was able to get her to sign a living will, and appoint me as her health care proxy, which allows me to call her doctors and discuss her condition. I take her to her bi-annual cardiologist appointments and go into the examination room with her.
But I keep my visits to a minimum, as they always end up in arguments.
Finding safe places to share your caregiver frustrations, like here, is best thing you can do to protect your sanity.
she is almost in last stage of dementia. So she raises cain saying we don't feed her, don't medicate her, waste her money, blah blah blah. I know she can't help it but I'm 63 retired to have a better life then got this. I need hip replacement and I'm in constant chronic pain.
I'm now calling and making several doc appt's for me and will start working on plans for my surgery. She's been there 11 days and I've not went to see her. AN UNKNOWING case aide called me today wanting me to talk to her to "calm" her down as she was begging for me and TO GO HOME !! Most of the others knew that would not calm her down at all but make her worse. I told her. JUST TELL HER I'LL BE THERE LATER.
Before the dementia - she always had little criticisms about my life, my son's and she nagged my Dad til the day he died - her whole family was like that - nag, fuss, complain. Yes she loved us all and would have laid down and died for us (not now). I'm the child that stayed close all these years to them. The rest took off. I have been taking care of them in some ways since I was a teenager - both were functionally illertate and I had to handle all their business transactions, etc. I took off work to take them to dr appts - the works when we were all young. Trips to the store for Mom and with her when Dad passed - the beauty parlor, everything she needed done or for her home I arranged. I'm worn out.
Nope I refuse to feel guilty and don't you guys feel guilty for normal resentment feelings either.
clogged arteries can cause behavior problems as well. I agree to make appointment with Dr. for info session. Will go over better if he is "bad guy" telling your Mom to let you and Sis help. Sometimes having this coming from an authority figure (rather than from "young" children) really makes a difference.
"Obviously you don't know anything" but since he is authority figure elder is more apt to go along with treatment plan he writes out.
He's always been a controlling person and now at his advanced age it continues even more. I sold my home and moved in with him when my mother passed away. He was lonely, crying and did not want to be alone. It didn't take long for him to become nasty and insulting. I do all that you do with grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, doctors visits etc. He tells me it's my job to this. I have one brother who lives 3 hrs. away. He only comes to see him 2 times a year, sometimes 3. He usually calls once a week. The grandchildren are all adults, working with their own families. They rarely visit. My father all his life placed great importance on his friends and most of the time he prepferred being with them. Now that he is in his old age they also don't bother with him like they used to do. So I'm here doing everything for him plus having to deal with his nasty attitude. When I speak up and get upset he will get weepy and say he's sorry. I fall for the tears, but also know it will happen again and it does.
It's good you have each other to deal with your mother. I hesitate telling my children, friends and even my brother because I sense they really don't want to hear about it. Sometimes when we think were doing the right thing it back fires on us. For me, keeping active and being around up, happy people really helps. Then I can better deal with my situation.
Is there anyway that you can show her that she can remain "in charge" of decisions being made but you and your sister need to be in on those decisions. This is what we did with mom, we would go to appointments with her and even though we knew she didn't understand much of what was being said, we asked what she thought.