I'm caring for two 90-year-old grandmas with no help from my siblings. I'm becoming overwhelmed and just need some moral support.

Mstexas I like that name. Welcome to the forum and I certainly hope that you are not alone. We're all in the same boat, little help, little rest, little anything, but much care-giving. It does overwhelm you, that's when you go outside, take a breath of fresh air, a walk, garden, have a cigarette, or a DRINK!.

Welcome again, and I tip my hat to you for caring for two.

tenne,my mom has really nothing to speak of anymore,your dad had a farm which to me sounds like real estate is involved. One of my sisters attempted to take my moms house by forging her name-had to take her to court-battle lasted 3yrs-Mom won the case and the house went back to her. Immediatly there after house was sold-since my sister had it in her name(for the time we fought in court) Mom lost her tax excemption and once property waas sold had to pay back taxes-left her about 6grand to play with that automatically went to pay funeral expenses in full when the time comes. So you see, theres not anything for anyone to fight for matieral things. Oh that same sister took all the furnishings in the house only left things like family pictures that were of other sisters family. Trust me if that should happen IM READY!!! Dont think they dont know it either, they know Iam meticulous when it comes to paperwork (I KEEP EVERY RECIEPT AND EVERY RECORD POSSIBLE to keep this from giving me any grive in the future. Besides it takes money for siblings to take me to court,most are living from day to day the others just dont bother cuz it takes to much effort. If that were the case you'd think they would want to take the time and effort NOW to see MOM. Thanks for the heads up and pray u resolve yours legal battle soon, just remember as u go into the court a prayer i used to say before entering- Lord i know your with me and that every thing is done according to your will just give me the understanding to accept what ever decision is made. Amen It tend to give me clarity and peace of mind-good luck to you!!!

I should have known better, OF COURSE you've tried everything... people can be cruel and there may be no recourse. I've even seen children with cancer abandoned by parents...I'm so sorry!

tEXAS,I have tried to do everything and I MEAN EVERYTHING to get my brothers to help or even show they care. I took care of 2 sick men at one time,even when my mate started having seizures and I couldn't leave him alone I couln't get any help with my dad.After the funeral of my mate I didn't even get proper greiving time.I went from a death right back to my dad's slow decline.My dad has since pasted away and after over 10 years of serious caregiving and taking care of the farm I am in a legal battle that just want end.The lawyers are in in awe of it. My brother who did not even go to the funeral brought on the legal issues.If some one doesn't care about there own family anymore than that-my advice is to watch your back with those siblings-I would have never dreamed in million years this would be happening to me.

I'm a caregiver for my mother. My brother is leaving the country for a one month vacation. He did not notify me. I think he should have let me know in case my mother is in the hospital or dies. Should I directly ask him if he wants to be notified?

ustefans, I understand u being sad and mad at the same time,believe I've been there. My point is I'm not wasting anymore of my time dwelling on negative factors,you see everything u suggested I have tried over the 6yrs of caring for the grandmas, Iam not one who expects or even wants sisters who dont care enough for there Mom to be guilted or argue in order to spend time and care for them. Understand I dont want pity,its nice to be able to vent or share with people who Understand because they have similiar situations. Scince the last hospital visit that my 90 yr old mom had I was able to inform myself on how i can obtain outside assistance through agencies( and this gives me some free time) But your opionion is just that and I thank u for your input and support. Oh by the way asking for monetary help from my family to pitch in for anything is a JOKE tried that too all this have taken place in person at family meetings I've called together. It's been pointless, I do have medical poa and regular poa so that I wont have to call on anyone, my point is, if siblings wont come willingly to see Mom while she is alive and they have every opportunity. When Mom passes they will have the regrets not I.

This makes me sad and mad just to read it - if you are not feeling any emotions about people who just dump it all on you and then leave you out of their lives because they have dumped it all on you, depression is probably setting in big time. I would bet they think, or like to think, you are the best or only one who could do the caregiving, you are therefore happy to be doing all the caregiving and isn't that so nice, you are so special. They need told otherwise, as assertively as possible. And you need breaks from caregiving, not a permanent break with your whole family. "Dear ____, i really really really miss being incuded in the family for ______ and desperately wish anyone could volunteer to watch Grandma for just a few hours so I could go. I know I won't be doing this forever, but it is starting to feel that way and I hate just feeling resentful and left out of everything. I know I can't expect to always have a break when I feel like I need it, but this particular event would mean a lot to me.." If none of them will stay, is it possible to have them chip in for a private duty nurse or other suitable paid caregiver just for half a day? Could they have any of the events at your place or could they chip in for a wheelchair van rental and have Grandma come to the event? And if none of the above is possible, couldn't someone AT LEAST bring you a couple plates of good food form the event? Maybe even Grandma might eat some and give you a little break from cooking, as if that was the hard part anyways? Give you AT LEAST some evidence that they are thinking about you??? Just my $0.02 - and you have my support too.

Interestingly enough thats about where iam presently,I feel drained most of the time. And between caring for them the reality has set in (after 6yrs of them living with me) that the are both coming to a time where i can see that things are coming to a close, not that there invalids cause truly even though one has alz/dementia and the other has emphysema,they both still walk around and have occassional urine accidents in there depends,they are both so cute to watch together, I often watch them interact with each other and relize in another time they would have never even thought they had nothing in common and yet life has brought them together at this time. I often ask myself why? am I just an instrument that god or for those who dont believe the universe has allowed me to wittness? Ok maybe im getting to deep, any way on a lighter note Im having a better time dealing with this now that i know there are so MANY of US out there!!! THANKS U GUYS FOR ALL THE SUPPORT

Wow!! Am I hearing correctly?? Your taking care of two 90 yr olds. If that is correct my hats off to you for sure. I couldn't handle one. My mom is 93 and the stress level went through the roof. My back went out lifting her. Patience ran out trying to get her to eat. Caring for her hyigene was astrnomical. Finally didn't have any choice but to place her in a home. just couldn't keep up with all the work involved. My mental and physical health was failing, which wasn't doing mom one bit of good. It took her about a year to adjust to her surroundings. She is just stubborn and wants things her way. Finally when she realized things just were not going to be her way all the time in the home, she started to relax and just go with the flow. See her about 3 times a week. Her life is back on track, and so is mine. Good luck to you.

Ms texas, you are not imagining it.....Yes, your job is VERY difficult, challenging, and draining. And you are caring for TWO grandmas who are both 90 years old.....they are really up there in years. You have a lot on your plate. Good that you found this site! So many feelings and recognitions were stirred up in me as I read through the comments on this thread: the one about others moving away or not wanting to talk with us about our caregiving situation----because it feels too "icky" ----This is a reality of what we deal with. I literally have to avoid talking about caring for my father with others because it is just too depressing of a subject. I like people too much to want to do that to them! ( ie- bring up this subject. It's not anything they need to hear about.) That is one BIG reason why I come here , to this site. I am with "birds of a feather" here and I can talk all I want about my father , and listen to others talk about whomever they're caring for and sympathize with them. We are the ideal people to support one another.
For the people here who are not being invited to social events because of their caregiving situation, I say to you that you have found the right way to cope with this ( ignore it).....You can only do so much, and you are fulfilling what you feel in your heart is your "first duty"....to care for your loved one.....and then let the chips fall where they may. At least in the eyes of God, you are getting an A-plus!! To me, the judgment of God is the the thing that matters to me. I can't please all the people around me, and I have finally figured that out. And lastly, to mhmarfil who said: "If I become sick myself, then who else would care?" ......That statement resonated so loud and clear with me. This is precisely the feeling that I have all the time. I struggle with health issues of my own, yet am the principal person caring for the welfare of my father ( thankfully, he is living in a senior care facility, but he still requires a lot of oversight and connection) and I sense that obligation all the time. Others have drifted away from taking on responsibility for "getting involved" with caring for my father ( because of the "ick" factor) . I definitely understand that and in no way judge them for drifting away. I have done the same thing myself when it came to caring for an elder in someone else's family. My father IS my responsibility. But along with this realization comes the "burden" part, and the feeling that I have to stay healthy and strong to continue to be Dad's advocate and caretaker. We love our elders so much that our love for them actually puts more pressure on us to stay healthy, so that we can care for them. That's how it feels to me. Hang in there, everybody!

MsT: Before I found this site, I thought what I was experiencing was just something that I had to deal with...that no one else was going through the same things. My sib lived in the same state as my Mom and just let her decline until I stepped in and moved her to live near me. He calls once and awhile, but has not visited in years! Strangely, Mom just thinks that he is "busy" and I believe in my heart of hearts she would rather live near him. She talks of going back "home" until I remind her of how she was living back "home." It makes me sick when my Mom talks about the cruise my sib just went on or how he got tickets for some sports event, I think, "of course he can go...he is free to do whatever he pleases" which is exactly what he has always done. But what do we do? We can't just look the other way or our parents are doomed. Years ago, after flying out to take care of my Mom after a fall, I simply asked my sib if he could take a few days off from work to stay with Mom. He became unglued...started yelling like a maniac and told me he "would take care of things." (you guessed it, he never lifted a finger) Of course, he was first in line when Mom was doling out money to cover his constant debt. I put a stop to that PDQ.
Everyone forgets, that in addtion to having to care for an aging parent, we have the normal responsiblities of everday life. I never realized how hard that would be until now.

Keep moving forward, stay strong, and take care of yourself.

(btw, as the primary caregiver, have you gotten Powers of Attorney for your Mother? good idea, if you haven't)

Oh My Gosh!!!! You Guys Do Know and understand what I'm feeling. EVERYTHING you all have written I have gone through,IT HURTS but not any more. Iam a family of 7 sisters and they all live right here in texas NONE of them except for the occasional Mothers Day gathering they had 2 yrs ago did they bother to even ask if MOM could go That's it. They dont call to see how mom is doing or check if she's ok know why cuz
i've been told (during the times mom has been in the hospital and i call them, oh no one stays with her but me when she's there or now that i know this las hospital visit I get sitter to stay. It so SAD that i find comfort caring loving words in strangers than i have in my sisters I am the 5th to the oldest. I thank GOD for you Guys. I'v e just found new SISTERS :) YEAH!!!!

At least we know how it is and can at least call someone who is a caregiver and at least ask them how things are going and reach out to others and let them know we care since we know how it is.

mhmarfil, I am so glad you made that comment about being left out.Every family reunion I was not even invited,I only heard of them later and all of the fun I missed. I would think I need a break more than anyone why don't they understand,can't they see I'M drowning here-but no-isolation city is where I was.My brother was at all of the functions being Mr. personality.It really hurt my feelings,then I stop caring,now I wouldn't go if they begged me.

Lilliput hi there again. mstexas hello welcome here. hugs to you! Don't worry just like your grandmas who have their sudden bad & good days, you will also realize you too will have the good & the bad now and then. As mentioned by another fellow caregiver, we caregivers seem to mirror the moods of those we are caring. Don't know why but there's a grain of truth in it. Welcome to this site, vent as much as you want. Send hugs & encouragement as much as u want to. Lilliput I agree to what you said about even the closest friends will scatter away when they know that we are caregivers. Yes I agree to what u mean that perhaps many of us don't want to have a face to face realization that one day this duty will come to us. Or that it's too "icky" if not "yucky" and gross to be minding the defecations/urine bodily discharges of our parents/husbands/grannies etc etc. I know it! Until now I am going through it. There've been 2 Christmases, one wedding, several birthday occasions when I & my daughter were deliberately left out of the invitation, and when I learned about it, my relatives & friends said they did so because they know very well that I will not be coming anyway since nobody will take over the duty of caring for my mom and that the party will surely last til wee hours of the morn so it's not nice to come in anyway since i will be leaving early anyway. hmmmmmm this sounds familiar right? I guess these people will also deliberately give advice now & then on some medical crisis as if they know very well my innards and all the resources I have (if there's anything left of it) which at this point is clearly sub-zero or nothing left . I'm getting used to not being invited at all it doesn't make me feel sad anymore, it made me rather put on an opaque mask so as not to feel the pain. Call it tranquilizers, anti-pain anti depressant but my emotions have gone from being sensitive to de-sensitized so I can focus on the tasks at hand, and not bother about not being invited to events & gatherings since most of them know that I will not be attending anyway, so why bother to send an invite, right? I know it's not healthy. But then I need to conserve whatever is left of me, to care for another. If I become sick myself, then who else will care? I guess you guys prop me up i give back my hugs to you. God bless us all.

Thanks! You both are CORRECT! Feeling Better today, just get alitte closed in at times :)

Very few of us in this forum have help from sibs or other family members - but we have each other and this thought has gotten me through many dark days.
You will find that even you closest friends scatter when they hear that you are a caregiver...never been able to figure this one out. Perhaps we all fear the inevitable and knowing some one who is caring for an elder is just to "icky" to think about.
Carol gave you good advice....just drop by when you are having a bad day (or a good day, too!) Everyone hear is so helpful and you will get many points of view and good advice.
good luck,
Lilli

You've come to the right place. Please keep coming back and browse the topics. Hop in whenever you feel you want to chat about the topic, or start your own thread.
Welcome!
Carol