Hi! My mom passed away 8 months ago and I have now had to take over the job of taking care of my father. Mom did everything, as far as running the house, even though her body was giving out. She was the "brains", so to speak and dad was the "muscle". She told him what to do & when to do it. Now that she's gone, I am his only go-to person (an only child). I go through his mail, pay his bills, order his meds, go to appointments with him. He had three horrible months until we got him diagnosed with depression and he has improved since being on meds. I don't mind helping him, but I would like him to try a little bit more to do things. He cleans, does laundry and minimally cooks, so he's doing some stuff. Sometimes I just feel like I have to keep him entertained & find myself driving the 60 miles roundtrip a few times a week to cook for him and visit. It's a strain on my marriage and is starting to really wear me down. Anyone else been in this situation? My mom's last coherent words were "Who will take care of your father?". Now I know what she meant. She did a good job of it so I have big shoes to fill. THANKS!
It is wonderful that he is doing some housework. Encourage that, and praise him for it!
He does need to be entertained ... that is, it is not good for someone with depression and in mourning to be isolated and spend too much time alone. Your role is not to fill that void but to help him discover ways to fill it for himself. Go with him to the senior center a few times. See what ongoing activities are available there. (My husband discovered a senior bowling league where he didn't feel overwhelmed by everyone else's skills.) Many centers sponsor bus trips to interesting places. Many provide low-cost hot lunches.
Some men love to hang out at a diner or McDonald's and have coffee with a few pals in the morning.
Arrange to do the things he needs help with in the most convenient way for you. Pay bills online. Manage his medicines online or by mail, from your home. You may need to continue to make the round trip several times a week for a while, but your goal should be to get him involved in local activities and to reduce your visits to, perhaps, once a week.
Keep your husband informed of your plans, your heartaches, your fears. Don't shut him out of this part of your life. It is reasonable that you spend some time helping your father at this juncture, but keep it manageable and don't neglect your marriage while you are doing this.
Does you husband get along well with his father-in-law? Maybe sometimes he makes the trip to visit dad, and they do guy things together, while you stay home and prepare (or order in) a special dinner for his return.
Don't try to fill your mother's shoes. Help Dad find his independent stride.