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My mother has a myriad of health issues - she has been diabetic for 10+ years, but things started taking a turn for the worse in late fall of 2016 when she went into the hospital for a bleeding ulcer. Then in April of 2017 she fell and broke her hip, had a terrible reaction to the surgery, was delirious, had kidney failure and had to start dialysis; she also had a stroke. During her time in the hospital she was in the Medical ICU with sepsis, and had to be intubated. At one point the doctors did not think she was going to make it. Well – she pulled out and ended up in rehabilitation for over 2 months. While she was there she was violent, could not remember grandkids names, and was just out of her mind.


Eventually things did clear – after many visits to the hospital and rehab units. She was finally discharged to an Assisted Living facility, where she continued to progress for several months. She got to the point where she did move out of the Assisted Living and went to an Independent Senior Apartment.


Well – she ended up having double by-pass in January (which went surprisingly well) – another stint in rehab then back to her apartment…. Just to get sick and end back in the hospital with more delirium. She was recently discharged back to the old Assisted Living facility, with mention of a horrible UTI and Vascular Dementia.


I have been dealing with all of this since 2016. I was then pregnant, and am now dragging an almost 2-year-old to at least 3 doctors’ appointments a week, to and from dialysis, on top of trying to deal with her finances, and selling the 2 houses she owns and has not taken care of in the past 15 years. I also have an 11-year-old son that this is affecting as well. It is beyond stressful, and I just want to get my life back. I did not stop work to deal with my mother. I stopped working to take care of my baby – who is now a toddler.


Thanks for reading all of this – it’s a horrible vent I know, but I am beside myself. There is no end in sight. My sister does help a very little with a ride occasionally to dialysis, but I am left to fend for everything else. I feel like this/she is ruining my life.

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If you are her DPOA, I'd consult with a professional, like an Elder Law attorney before selling property, transferring assets, etc. I'd be well informed about the consequences of her income, assets, etc. in case she needs to apply for Medicaid.

After, getting that information, I'd find out what level of care she needs. My LO soon needed more care than what a regular AL could provide her, due to her dementia. It caused me to constantly be on the road or the phone due to her care needs. Once we got her in Memory Care, things changed. They took care of her and I was there to visit and bring her cheer. The facility provided her transportation. I'd discuss her condition and treatment options with her doctor, to see what makes sense. Does she have an Advance Medical directive?
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Speak with the social worker at the dialysis center and ask to arrange county transportation to and from dialysis. You may have to fill out financial info as that will determine her daily fee for transport to and from. Get that off your plate ASAP. Don’t let your mother guilt you into being responsible for this.
Your kids need you more. Try to delegate all you can to other family members.
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Jk2208, I am so sorry for your situation. It does sound like a complete nightmare.

Hopefully other people will have more feedback, but one thought I'm having is if there is any way to just get these two darn houses sold as is and off your hands, using the funds for caregivers to take your mom to dialysis and appointments? It wouldn't be perfect and they wouldn't do as good a job as you would of course, but if you didn't exist somehow your mom would be getting to them if needed.

And about all these appointments... Are the three or so appointments a week actually accomplishing anything meaningful for your mom's health? Dialysis... I see from what you've written about how it all went down that she had kidney failure first, then later came the vascular dementia diagnosis. Just speaking the thought and I honestly don't know, but is it usual for dementia patients to go to dialysis, or to continue on it? I had a dear (completely in her right mind and relatively young) friend who had to have dialysis the last few years before her death from heart disease and she hated it. She just hated it and she endured it. But she was able to understand why it was necessary and could do her best to occupy herself during it. But with dementia?

Your poor mom has been through a lot, is apparently incredibly strong, and with all that modern medicine has to offer, I guess could live on and on indefinitely, becoming more and more demented all the while. I don't think you should have to be along for the ride at the expense of your own young family.

Just some thoughts -- please forgive or disregard any of them if they aren't appropriate for your mother's particular situation.
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