Meanness with Dementia.

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Meanness with Dementia.

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I am relatively new to this site (so thankful to have found this) I have been caretaking for my elderly Aunt (90+) yers old living in her own home. I have been at her beck and call for over six months, am slowly being eeked out of this caaregiving role by others who never cared for her before (or our other Aunt)
I can deal with being eeked out, so long as she gets food and some help, I have peace fo mind. However today, I was accused of being "nosy" for asking her if she eats, how she's sleeeping (she's not, gets into bed between 9-10 PM, lays there restless until 2-3-4AM, rises around 6-7 AM, only to lay back down and get a cat nap after a small breakfast and coffee. Calling her at any time beofre sundown usually invites a plesant conversation AT FIRST and then it becomes a battle, with her spewing nasy things about me, my family, how we don't listen to her, or do things 'her way' ( I try to follow all directions to the T so as to keep the peace, for me and most especially for her) I have no interest in dirstuption her, or giving her any reason to to be distressed or upset.
She has taken to calling me names, telling me I dont listen, and that I only speak "Gibberish" . Today she insulted me by saying I don't even deserve the husband I have (to be honest, we don't have flashy cars, a mcmansion, or superficial stuff, however we have a loving marriage that has endured for decades and wonderful children, alll very warm and close) I know she is losing it, can't be sure as she refuses to see medical prof. but I have seen another relative with throught the stages of demetia, hallucinations and ultimately psychosis (in their end days)
I know my Aunt is sick, and does not truly mean what she says, but it is SO HARD to let it just roll off your back..
I try to call my Aunt daily or at the very least everyother day. I cannot force her to seek medical treatment, I cannot force her to see my view, I cannot make her pain disapate, but I TRY so hard to be there, to check on her, to help and I feel as though I am banging my heasd against the wall.
She has always been a straight shooter, with a bit of an edge, but I accept that as being one of family's attributes. Stuborness runs rampant within our family...my grandmoter died of gangrene that caused sepcemia from a simple cut that was infected that she REFUSED to have treated/seen by a doctor.
Today, my Auntie and I had a seemilngly pleasant and benighn convo. that turned ugly fast, which ended up with her telling me, I am nosy (when I ask if she slept or ate) and that I don't deserve the husband and children God gave me.
***GASP*** That hit below the belt and I could not contain my tears (did I mention she also said I was rude, and my mouth causes trouble and I talk but make no sense) After her comment I could not contain my tears. She told me to "shut up with the water works or she was hanging up the phone" I meekly tried to say that that comment really hurt and she hung up on me.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel astho I NEED to help her, I have to do it for my family. I love her and remember the sweetheart she used to be who doled out candy and cream sodas and rocked me in her arms.
Loving her, and letting her barbs fall to the wayside has taken a toll on me and subsequently my family.
Please advise. I know I am doing the right thing, but it hurts in the worst way.
HELP...and THANK YOU!

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C Coffeemaid Sep 2015 · Answer 1 · 2015-09-14T19:29:52.000-0400

Well, my mean MIL with dementia is back home after 6 days in AL, which was an expensive and disheartening disaster. The change/break of schedule threw off any patterns we had, and she's so much worse...even grabbed my hair yesterday while screaming at me that she was the boss, and trying to hit at me. She's 95 now, and weighs 110 pounds; I'm a strapping 49 and 190 lbs., so I'm not worried that she is stronger. It was bad enough to deal with all the mental meanness (you're fat, are you pregnant again?; speak up, you mumble; you all would never make it without me; I own you; you are idiots....etc), but now the physical comes on. I'm truly depressed, but have no choice but to keep going. My husband believes the theory that we are all distilled to our essence at the end. This whiskey's rough and burns all the way.

A Agreewithyou1 Nov 2015 · Answer 2 · 2015-11-14T01:34:22.000-0500

I have read every one of these comments and am very grateful that you all are here. I quit my job 5 years ago and moved in with my mom (at her request even!) to help out so she could keep her home. Now, all this time and with not even a paycheck for the last five years I'm suddenly the enemy. My sister, who is an hour away, is the angel and I am the devil. I tell people that I am the custodial parent and she is the Good Times parent, which gets a laugh but most people don't know how much your own mother can hurt you. I'm not mad at my sister - she is doing her part and I am doing mine - but when you give up your job and your home and cross the country only to get abused it makes you want to pack up and leave and never come back. It is true that all these platitudes are not - NOT - helpful. I know that it's the disease! I'm just a daughter trying to obey the 4th commandment, so these things mean nothing to me. I am not a nurse or a psychiatrist and I don't have the foggiest idea how to find the trigger! I wish I could do them but frankly my plate is full trying to get a glass of water into my mom so she doesn't get dehydrated. I don't have the time or the energy to learn what took the professionals years of study! So if all you experts out there want to help us why don't YOU come three times a day and see if she'll eat for YOU. THAT is what will help!

Sometimes when I am feeling strong I say to my mom, "Boy, when you are on the other side and you see the video of everything that has happened in your life you are going to give me one whopping big apology!" The nurses smile but my mom does not. But it reminds me that I'm doing it because you take care of your parents. Because it's the right thing to do, and even God says so because that is the first commandment that carries a promise with it.

1 1wishing Sep 2016 · Answer 3 · 2016-09-03T21:10:25.000-0400

My mom seems fine but is really mean to myself and has accused us of stealing my deceased dad;s stuff from her. my siblings used this as a way of convincing my mom that she was right and that she was right to never see us again and having her give them all her possessions and money. I continue to call her infrequently because she is so mean to me. Today I called her and she was "nice" to a degree. I never know "who" is going to be answering the phone when I speak to her. It is very sad for me, as now we are shunned from every person in my family of origin. I try to focus on my nuclear family which is great! Please share. I found this site because I was researching "meanness" and narcissistic personality disorder.

L lars37 Jan 2017 · Answer 4 · 2017-01-09T11:09:57.000-0500

I had to take away one of my wife's memory medications about six weeks ago. It was causing nausea, loss of appetite, weight loss and dizzy spells when sitting up from a laying down position. Since that time, her memory has decreased drastically and she has started having spells of extreme anger. I'm still not dealing too well with the sudden hostility, but fortunately it usually passes within five to thirty minutes. Then she's all loving again. But now I'm becoming more reluctant to take her out in public, never knowing what might set her off, or how to deal with the anger if it does rear its ugly head. Anyone who has found a good way to deal with it, other than just walking away from it, I'd really appreciate their insight.

W windytown Jan 2017 · Answer 5 · 2017-01-10T00:37:38.000-0500

lars37, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I don't think there is a foolproof way to deal with the anger in public. They are in their own little world. Removing them from the situation seems to be all that works.

I hope others have some suggestions for you. Stay strong. I know it's hard.

E Eklrls Feb 2018 · Answer 6 · 2018-02-25T01:42:11.000-0500

Thanks so much for this conversation. My mom was recently diagnosed with dementia after a devastating, though benign brain tumor. She has just been released from the skilled nursing home she has been at, recovery was long. It shows I am not alone...though I do this by myself at the moment. Mom has been saying mean stuff. I react not in the best way. It’s hard...

S smeshque Feb 2018 · Answer 7 · 2018-02-25T01:55:35.000-0500

Eklrs You will be in my Prayers, may God bless you during this time. You are not alone

E Eklrls Feb 2018 · Answer 8 · 2018-02-25T18:16:53.000-0500

Thank you, I really appreciate it it. I am not sure where or what stage she is at, but going enjoy those good times, which there is many so far. Though man she is verbally rough at times. We are having a good day, so far.she is busy with here dvd collection. Laying down for a bit.

Meanness with Dementia.

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