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2 yrs ago my husband, myself and our 2 small children moved in with my mother. We did this because she had taken a walk and was lost for about 5 hrs. It was nothing short of a miracle that we found her. My mother was dx as entering into the last stages of alzheimers and she has temporal and frontal dementia (which means she has trouble communicating and often cannot understand us). Communication is very frustrating. For the most part things go well at our home, but at times there is stress. About once every one to two months I usually have a melt down. I just go crazy. I yell and scream usually over something my mother has done that she can't help. The stress of caring for my mother who is not able to do even the simplest of things and having 2 small children is sometimes overwhelming. Yesterday, my mother came home from the adult day dare (she attends 5 days a week) and was not feeling well. I told her I loved her got some meds to help and suggested she lay down. She was not herself at all. This morning she woke up late, not the norm. Slept almost all day, not the norm. Did not want to eat, not the norm. Could not understand me and could not communicate what was wrong. I did not know if I should take her to the doctor?? I struggled throughout the day to get her to stay awake and eat a little. We finally had her go to bed around 9:00 p.m.. At midnight I heard a big bang. I ran into my mother's room to find her lost in her bathroom in the shower. I asked her if she was wanting to take a shower and she said, "yes". Well, I was mad. I did not want to give my mother a shower at midnight. I was yelling and because she could not understand me had to physically turn her and give her a full shower. She normally is able to help a little, but not tonight. I was not abusive, but I was not gentle either. I was mad. I was angry. Now I feel guilty. I know it's not her fault. I know it's the alzheimers, but it just doesn't make caring for her any easier. Not only does it break my heart that I treated someone I love with my whole heart this way, but my kids and husband are seeing someone that just isn't me. I'm normally a fun, kind and loving person. You know the kind that would go the extra mile. I moved in with my mother to keep her from going into a nursing home because I love her and feel I can give her better care and there is not question about that. But, when I act this way . . . I'm not sure. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow. Any words of encouragement out there? Any help out there?

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Joal! First you aren't alone in your feelings. BREATH!!!we all go through that!! even though your mom might not understand. apologize to her. you will know and feel better for it. talk to your family of your feelings. encourage them to encourage YOU "take a breather mom!" take a 5 when you feel youre about to explode. I find myself sitting here for hours upon hours looking for an escape in between all the little emergencies i go through each day. i forget my own advice most times! there are volunteers out there that will come and sit with your mom for a bit. church associates?
your moms "not the norm" is my moms norm. abnormal sleeping and eating IS a part of dementia. my mom just got out of the shower and its almost 3am here! They do not realize "the inconveniences" that we go through at times. No its not their fault. i sometimes have to just talk so gentle and say "oooo its way too early for that.. its night time!" and gently coax her back to bed.. hard sometimes when i grit my teeth the entire time.
If it is a sudden "not the norm" then yes definitely go to a doctor! Is he a specialist in dementia?
hate to mention, but what is your husbands role? does he also help out? maybe he feels the same way. instead of yelling at mom ask if he can be a sounding board. first time i took care of my mom when she had a foot amputated i had a friend that would just sit there and let me yell. didnt have to comment or even look at me.. continue what youre doing! and id go for it!
Hope all goes well tomorrow at the doctors. And please dont forget you arent alone and very much welcome here to vent and rant to us also.
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KelleyBean -- Thank you so much first for not judging me. My husband is a great help and support, but he too is feeling the stress. So, I often try to keep my husband's perspective in check. He can't do a lot of the day to day get up, get showered, get dressed things . . . but he does what he can. I have an 8 year old and a 5 year old who don't understand why grandma acts the way she does, but I always encourage them to love her and give her bunches of hugs and kisses. My daughter though at times wants to distance herself a little from grandma. I just keep encouraging her to love my mother. I have a very sweet and caring husband, but he has had to deal with things pertaining to my mom that I don't think he was prepared for. I have a sister who tries to take my mother one weekend a month due to living 1 1/2 hours away from me. I have 2 brothers who live close, but have told me they cannot deal with our mother. The daycare helps a lot. My mother also has 2 sisters who help from time to time, but are "know-it-all" type of people and are always eager to tell me what I should and shouldn't do. My mother has a family care physician and we also see an alzheimers specialist who encourages me to get with a support group. But, with 2 kids, my mom, an active family . . . I just don't seem to be able to get there. So, tonight I went on the hunt for some site that I could just . . . vent. I am so thankful for this site and for your encouraging thoughts. Hearfelt thanks.
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The doctors were right! if we decide to do this, then we need someone also, who knows what it is like. tonight, i kind of blew a friend off because she was giving all these ideas and just felt like she was pushing me(im going through something very disturbing with my mom right now) and i had already tried the ideas. do your daughters understand that yes grandma needs love because grandma is sick? they are fully aware of what is going whether we realize it or not. they need to be just as much a part of this as your husband sad to say. they ARE so young. but it wont be as scary for them. they will understand that if grandma acts funny, she needs help. it seems that you are trying to be the superwoman for the whole family. thats so tough for you and i cant imagine it! ask what your husband is willing to do to help. let him bring himself into it. he'll get comfortable with that and move in a little closer. i dont mean to say that your girls need to be the caregivers haha i just realized what i was saying. my moms companion brings one of her grandsons every now and then. they get scared, but we talk to them. "she just needs a drink! can you get some water for her?" or a towel. whichever. they feel more in control of the situation when they feel they are being the best help. find small things for them. let it be a family thing. a strong family is the best and this is the biggest undertaking youre probably going to face. stick together!
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KelleyBean -- will do. My daughter who is 8 is another set of eyes who often tells me if Grandma is doing something she shouldn't. My son who is 5 thinks of my mother as a playmate and loves playing with her. However, my mother will often show anger towards my daughter and husband. Not physical just verbal and facial expressions. However, my mom loves my daughter, son, and husband. I thinks I'm probably the mother figure. In my family I am kind of the center hub . . . my husband, kids, mom depend on me. I lean on my husband a lot. He does a lot for me and the kids. He really does the most for me in just loving and supporting me. I remember when we had to make the choice to sell our house and move in with my mom. I wanted it, but wanted him to bring it up and express his opinion. Before I could say anything, my husband suggested we sell our home and move in with my mother and help care for her. He has been supportive, but often gets upset at the fact that he cares more for my mom than some of her children. My brothers have not been easy on my husband. They have often made him feel like an outsider due to their own guilt. Dealing with family / sibblings is a whole other ball game. My husband and I just try to take care of my mom and not upset the apple-cart if you know what I mean. We are the caregivers of my mom and my sister has power of attorney. She, however, has recently seen more of the demands of my mom. Last weekend she had to give her a shower and assist her in going to the bathroom. She has never done that before. There has been a change in how she is treating this situation and she seems more supportive. I am the youngest of 4 children, my sister is the oldest.
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My brother is the oldest at 40 and me just the "baby" at 31. He just doesnt know what to do. he thinks if he throws money on it, it will go away. and he cant afford that at all! it come to the point where his visits are far and few between. i can understand.. i can.. but mom cant..that hurts me..

it sounds like your husband could use a good dose of support too! I already like him! "but often gets upset at the fact that he cares more for my mom than some of her children" then love her even more!! you 2 are teaching your kids a very valuble lesson in life. a hard lesson, but one that will enhance all that they are. or all of you are. no one knows the right thing to do ALL the time. but each night when our moms lay down to sleep and we all breath a sigh of relief and hope for a somewhat quiet night, we know that we did the best we could and smile that there was one more day that everyone made it through. you and your husband should be so proud of yourselves. a very good quote here, " you're shaping the future" youre kids dont understand now, but they will. and you will too.
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KelleyBean -- I just want you to know how much you helped me last night. It was late . . . I had all these feelings. You just knew what to say. I went to bed with a lighter heart. Today mom went to the doctor . . . I'm still not sure what is going on but they gave her some meds and told me to keep a close eye on her. Anyway, Thanks again for the pick-me-up.
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KelleyBean -- One more thing -- I forgot to ask you how are you doing? I am sorry last night I was focused on me. However, this morning I thought of you and wanted you to know that I am here if you need to talk.
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joal, im feeling tired haha i got too much sleep lastnight. i dont know what is going on with my moms dementia, but she has started to pick her wounds and put it in her mouth. A story for another time perhaps. After the doctors yesterday and cooking her a big dinner, I made pasta figoli like you can get at Olive garden? i sent mom to bed early. she did not like that one! an argument ensued. to bed she went though! i was just so frustrated. there were a couple times she got up, but i quickly got her settled again. it was the first real sleep ive gotten in a few months. i think in some part of her she realized(for now) how tired i was.

but today starts a new day. the rain has stopped and the sun is shining brightly(sort of, if you happen to get up as early as i did). were off to have a test done at the hospital.

and we will all get through another day right?
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WOW!

Im the really nice guy, and the stress of caring for dad when he does things he can't help pushes me over the edge, and I yell, and I'm less gentle. Than I too feel guilty about it, and he tells on me, which certainly doesn't help matters.

I'm doing what I do, to keep him out of a nursing home, though these damn therapists want to put him in it. They say that I am supposed to help him when they aren't here with his exercises. Thing is, I've been dealing with him for 24 hours, some of it is just on call, and I honestly just look for ways to avoid him, so I can have some alone time.

I don't really feel guilty about that.....I was not aware when I took up the role of his cook, cleaner, dresser, go getter, caller, and medicator; also meant that 4 times daily I am to spend a half hour doing therapy on him. Which may not seem like a lot, but those other chores, plus watching him to make sure he don't do something that will hurt him, really eats up a lot of time.
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greyson.. he tells on you.. haha.. i just found that funny.. i tell on my mom all the time..doesnt matter if we are the sweetest most mild tempered people... this takes a toll on us... wish i could say try to get an in-home therapist, but it's 4 times a day? hopefully the new "sitter" you got for him will work out. that will help...these things that you mention wont be as hard to do anymore.. because you will have some help here and there.. bet come spring with the help, youll get to go fishing..wouldnt that be great? and hope you took note how any times i wrote it.. you'll have HELP.
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I have made a request with my uncle, to give me a specific amount of time each week that dad can afford to have a sitter in here. If he doesn't have an answer for me by tomorrow, cause I asked him yesterday. Than I'll get my little sister to put some gentle pressure on him.

I use to be the peacekeeper of the family, but of late, my sister has been doing a better job of it.
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Well, Greyson, you have to fight now for your dads health and yours. this is something that is really important for you. you dont need to remain the peace keeper when you have such a tough job on your hands.
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Yea, I just remain focused on this situation, and I don't concern myself with other ones. I do not think I could handle it.
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you are definitely not alone! hang in there...thats sooo sweet of you to be able to move in with your mom, to take care of her, I tried that and i just couldn't handle it...when they get in late stages of alzheimers it gets soooooooooooooooo tought emotionally....so God bless your for hanging in there...it took so much of a toll on me that i had to place my dad and so hard but man...my life has changed dramatically...
if you ever think about placing...u should use this company i used last: yourseniorcare they were solid in helping me find a great place for my dad!

Hang in there...hopefully things will get easier!!!

But what your doing is amazing!!!!!!
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QUOTE: "We always hurt the ones we love the one we should hurt at all. We always break the kindest heart with words we should speak at all" (just some old song lyrics) Any how are they oh so true or what?Leads me to vent here. Last Oct. Mom lost her vision to age MDD and is the caregiver of my brother who is 61 as well as my father who is 81 type 2 diabetic as well as a stroke survivor. Mom asked to me not leave her and to help her. So I actual had to voluntarily quit my job. After 8 days my Mom tells me point blank, "GO AWAY I don't want or need you" After over 25 years in the caregiver servicing I didn't take it too personally. I did go a get back to working for a in Home Caregiver franchise. Less then 3 days had gone by and my Mom is yelling for me to come back and help her. I didn't though Instead I asked my Dad to tend to her and told him she would no longer be able to wait on him or my older brother. So that's that I know I can't put up with this love /dislike relationship my Mom has with me. We do still visit and do many things together but on my terms. I have to college bound children at home still as well as an older daughter and 2 wonderful grandson's I need to enjoy as much as possible when I'm not at work. "take time or time will take you" my motto.
I am a very very compassionate person but I have learn over the years not to let those I care for abuse me in any way shape or form. Knowledge is the key to Care giving.
Love for yourself concord's all.
Blessings to each and everyone of you very loving caregivers.
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Hey everyone. I haven't been on here for a couple of days and boy did I enjoy everyone's comments. I mean not enjoying that everyone is going through these times of trial, but have enjoyed to hearing you out there. Just want you all to know that I admire you all and I think that you all derserve a great big hug and thank you for all you do.

Well, I took my mother to the doctor on Tuesday. Her doctor and I both thought she was shutting down. She could not keep her eyes open for more than a few seconds. She would not eat or drink and you could hear the congestion in her chest. The doctor told me that she could not even hear the air moving in her lungs. I thought this is it. She is shutting down. Part of me wanted to hold on and say mom, it's not time to go yet. This is too soon. Another part of me Said "God thy will be done". It would be better for her to leave now then what is in store for her if she hangs on. The doctor ordered some tests and she was treated for pneumonia. We gave her the meds . . . the next day it was like a new person had woken up. There was a smile on my mothers face and she was sooo sweet. She did everything I asked and was talking more than normal and I could understand what she was saying. My mother has frontal and temporal dementia which effects her speech and ability to understand. All of a sudden this joy welled in my heart and I remembered what a sweet woman my mother was. That she was not at all this person she has become. Don't get me wrong my mother is sweet, but there was a smile a sparkle in her eye that I haven't seen in a while. Anyway, my mother is doing much better and for now I feel a little rejuvinated (sp?). Today, there was a few time that she slipped into her irritating self, but for the whole . . . it's been so much better.

To all of you out there . . . hang in there. Your parents are so lucky to have angels like you guarding over them. We protect them and stand up for them . . . even at the risk of upsetting our families. There are no words of appreciation spoken . . . just a lot of people who think they know what your going through. I told one of my mothers doctors -- you can read all the books you want about a given disease, but living with it is a whole other ball game. For all of you out there doing it alone . . . all I can say is God Bless You All.
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Joal, so glad you're mom is feeling better. Times like these remind us of the good we are doing when others can't understand, even the ones we're caring for.
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Amen! How are you and your mom doing?
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We will know monday what the doctors want to do. dont know if you read, but she has been picking at the wounds on her legs and putting her fingers in her mouth. some people have told me that she needs to be in a home or something.. are they going to watch her 24/7 to make sure she doesnt do it? i cant even do that. but at least i know what to look for now. her attitude is getting more and more childish which worries me. i have to snatch things out of her hand when she pouts etc. i dont know.. im just tired right now... sleepless nights are catching up with me.. i was thinking to take her to my aunts for a weekend to visit.. but my aunt is so busy with her own life that she wouldnt be able to watch her.. i was sent a packet for caregivers today, didnt help one bit. i want to try to get her to go back to the adult day care, but she is refusing.. sorry for the rant.. just a bit tired today is all
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KelleyBean, Rant all you want. Could you put bandaids on her scabs to keep her from picking at them or put oven mits or something on her hands to keep her from picking at them? Restraints? I don't know . . . just a thought that you probably already have tried.

My mom did not want to go to the daycare when I first took her. When I dropped her off she gave me this childlike look . . . like I was releasing her to the wolves or something. I cried all the way home and felt of course guilt. She fought me every day. Then it got a little better. She didn't fight with me much, but her silence let me know she wasn't real thrilled. Then after about a year of taking her to and from the daycare we signed her up for the ACT bus to pick her up and bring her home. I don't know if it was a sense of being independent . . . of doing something without me, but she started to love going and went from 3 half days to now going 5 full days a week. It's great and has kept me a little more at ease.

You have good and bad nursing homes. KelleyBean -- When it gets too much, when your risking your health and well being -- it is something you may need to consider. You can still see her everyday, give her baths, feed her, spend time with her . . . However, she will not get the care at a nursing home that you give her. I have seen some really good nursing homes and some not so good. I decided that I would care for my mom until she becomes mean or abusive, especially to my kids, or too much that I can't hadle it any more. I don't think my mother in her right mind would want me to sacrifice my health or happiness. However, I promised my dad I would care for my mom as long as I could and I am. And like most everyone else, we take one day at a time and do our best. Some days are really good, some okay and some not so good, but I do my best. I'm a little worried about you because I know you said you do not get much sleep. Your mother would not want that. Do your best . . . do what you can, try to be creative, but at the end of the day do what's best for you and don't feel guilty. You have been an outstanding daughter and have done more for your mom than most. I am not looking forward to the day I can no longer care for my mom, but I know it will come. My prayer is that God take her before that day comes. However, only time will tell.

My mom was hospitalized when we first moved in with her because she got into some of my meds. When she went into the hospital I thought I had stepped into a hospital for the insane. My mother did not want to keep her clothes on. She was pulling at the sheets. When I asked her what she was doing, she said laundry. She was in a room with three other people and a nurse sat in the middle of the four beds. It was crazy. My mother didn't know who I was, who she was, nothing. Everytime I think about putting her in a nursing home I visualize that time and just can't do it. I know once she it out of her home, away from all the things she is familiar with, I will lose what little I have of her. So, I continue. However, I have 2 kids who need their mommy too. So, if for some reason I can't care for her . . . or she become abusive to my family . . . then I hope I can feel good that I did my best and hope that the hands I place her in will take care of her. I will be around to try to make sure of that though. Sorry that my messages are so long. I guess it's kind of like taking the cork out of the bottle . . . it just kind of pours out.
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KelleyBean, I'm going to log off but will check again in the morning to see if you posted anything. Keep your head up.
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joal, i kept bandaging my moms legs, but shes keeping it on now that she has gone to the wound care center and they told her not to take them off till next time. normally she listens to this. hopefully even in her state of mind she will continue to do so. i'm going to talk to my moms doctor tomorrow about her sleeping. she doesnt. she naps. the longest she sleeps is about 3 hours at night. at those times, its quiet time. time i can relax and not worry. but my mind still races. by the time im sleepy its because ive just worn myself out. i know this isnt good. not at all, but this is the way its been recently.

im going to get the release form the adult day care has been screaming for in order for her to return. she hasnt been since she was last in the hospital. ive got to push her out of the house. Thanks to my mom, she cant ride the "ACT" bus(we call it DOT here) nor pay for the day care. seems she went and took the last of our cash and did i dont know what with it. her bills are going to be late and i feel im responsible for it all. her accountant is getting the necessary paperwork together for me to file bankruptcy(my bank not for my mom). just worries is all.

on thanksgiving day, i had to be admitted into the hospital. doctor didnt know how it was that i was so close to death and was just then feeling it. id have been dead the next day he says. i had a massive infection, and a kidney stone that was too big to pass, was cutting me up and spreading the infection. it took me over a month and few procedures, but im healthy again, thank goodness. i wouldnt risk that again! ill be fine. my brother is going on vacation for a couple weeks and when he gets back, im going to have a talk with him and my moms companion(she comes in a couple hours a week) im going to TELL them that they need to watch her for a couple days while i go to a friends house. Sad though, its the only place i can think of to go, but dont want to. thats not fair to my friend!

i think ill rest better after her appt tomorrow with her primary. hes never pointed us in the wrong direction before.
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Wow! It sounds like you have your hands full. My husband and I had to file a chapter 13 just a few years ago. We had rental property that due to delinquent accounts/collection we had to give up. It has been a long road, but this year we will finally be coming out of it. We are the type of people who think sometimes with our heart and not our head which got us into trouble. Hang in there. My mom would do the same thing. She does not like it when we keep waking her up, but if she naps all day she will not sleep at night. Sometimes she doesn't nap all day and still does not sleep and night. My mom like to go through her drawers and her stuff and things and mess them up. My husband put an alarm on my mom's door so that if the door opens the alarm rings (sounds like a door bell) My mom's room is child safe so I don't think there's too much trouble she can get into. We shut my mom's door at night and if she opens it . . . the door bell rings. It works really great. Anyway, you're in my prayers and thoughts.
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Bless you all and I feel sorry for myself at times.Heaven has many mansions and I am sure God has one for caregivers-this site in really a lifeline for me-the husband can not understand it's pull for me even tho he watches tv 20 hr a day and night
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Haha you're not alone with a messy mom. my mom gets into EVERYTHING! cant do anything about doors here.. looks like she tore them all off the hinges with her power chair. we didnt put them back up. what would be the point? and i sleep in the livingroom so i can hear if she tries going out the door.
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Kelley -- Hey, maybe you could get that extreme make-over home. Maybe they'll get someone to take care of your mom and send you to Disneyland or something and then you'll come home to this great handicap accessable home with doors and hinges and everything . . . . doesn't hurt to dream, right? LOL
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sounds perfect! dont forget the little padded room for me to blow off some steam in sometimes.. and a "playroom" for everyone elses parents to hang out in while we relax by the pool..
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Oh yea!!! Oh, and we forgot a lifetime of air fresheners for every room in the house. My mom's room can smell up the whole rest of the house. The fragrance of poop and pee drift down the hall and into the bedrooms and the livingroom and everyroom. My mom also like to hide he poop/pee underware and clothes. And we get to find them. They maybe under a piece of furniture or in a drawer or behind the door or under a chair or folded with clean clothes or hidden in the closet . . . etc. I can't seem to get the smell out of my mom's room. We cleaned the carpet only to have her pee on it a week later. So, we bought those lysol timed air fresheners that help, but it still stinks.
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you too? i thought i was just a really bad "housemaid". i keep a candle burning near me at all times.. its when i get a strong wiff of it and i cant find the source that gets me going.. hahaha(we NEED to laugh sometimes right?) i even found a wet diaper in a basket where i keep all my "girly" stuff. i guess she thought the scent of my nail polish remover would cover the smell. but that drove me nuts for a week.. didnt know WHERE it was coming from!
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Oh yea. My husband refuses to go in her bathroom. When he does you would think he needs some type of space suit just to enter the room. I mean it is not a surprise to see poop on the toilet . . . poop in the sink and for some reason my mother does not know what to do with the toilet paper when she is done going to the bathroom. I have found poopy toilet paper in her bed. One day she cam in the livin room and there was just the smell of poop. I thought did she not wipe good? Do I need to check? I noticed some toilet paper in her hand. I said mom what are you doing with toilet paper. As I go closer to had It really smelled like poop. Yes, she was holding poopie toilet paper in her hand. One day my 5 year old son who is a little fascinated with girls hair was smelling our hair. He said, "Oh mom your hair smells like flowers, Sissy your hair smells like grapes, daddy your hair smells good, Grandma your hair smells like poop, yuck!" I immediately got on to him and told him how not nice that was. Later on I decided to smell my mother's hair and you know what? It smelled like poop. I said mom, you just had a shower yesterday, how can your hair smell like poop. Right them she ran her hands through her hair and I knew . . . After she went to the bathroom she ran her hands through her hair and that is why is smelled like poop.
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