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I have only lived with mom for six months and I am already regretting my decision to do this. I have two sisters; one that lives in NY so she has a built in excuse, the other is local but does not help at all. She will visit mom for an hour or so most Fridays (I work full time during the day) but when I asked if she could change the visit time last week to Thursday night so I could attend a friend’s birthday party (it would be the first time I have done anything other than work and go home), she told me it was a work night for her and she was allergic to the smoke in the house. So, my sisters are no help-emotionally or financially.
In fact when I couldn’t manage to move to mom’s overnight (which people actually expected me to do so “she wouldn’t be alone”) I called my NY sister who was staying with mom thru the funeral and asked if she could delay her trip home for one week while I moved. Her reply was she hadn’t planned that and she didn’t have the right shoes... so she went home. No one offered to help me move or even asked how I felt, all I heard was they were so glad that they didn’t have to worry about mom anymore.
When I moved in my local sister had canceled my mom’s newspaper. Her and her husband had decided that mom couldn’t afford it. Mom said she was crushed, that she loved the paper so my son paid for her to get it back. I have fought for everything that meant something to mom. My sisters are all about the money, and have told both mom and me that if she runs out of money she will have to go into a state run facility or be homeless. They wouldn’t help financially. So although I have less money than the other two, I pay rent, I pay for anything that is just mine or my dogs and I pay half of everything else. I have less money now than I had when I lived on my own because I thought Mom needed me to do that so she wouldn’t see her money decline fast and it worry her. I took on the fight for mom and in the meantime I became the villain in the family. That was fine because I felt mom needed a person to fight for her.
Now I realize that Mom is not who I want her to be. She left me and my sisters when I was three years old. I never held that against her because I don’t know the whole story and we all have regrets so in my mind my mom was a wonderful person that truly loved me. What I heard this past Friday night made me realize that my family is toxic, all of them. How could I have allowed myself not to see that and make this move where now I am truly miserable?
Last Friday night I overheard a phone conversation my mom had with my local sister. I was shocked to hear mom tell out and out lies on me. She said things like I leave her alone all the time, that it’s all about me and what I want-that one almost sent me into a heart attack. It’s all been about mom, all of it, I have given everything I have (literally I had to give or throw away all my possession because I was told anything I brought with me had to be stored in my bedroom )and done everything I know to do and to hear that, I just really couldn’t handle it. My heart broke.
After she hung up I went upstairs with my knees just shaking and I confronted her. She called me paranoid and told me that her or my sisters haven’t done a thing to me, it’s all in my head. I felt so crushed. So I told her it’s not paranoid when you hear it and I repeated back to her some of the things I heard. She immediately said things like “I wish I could just die” and “this is going to kill me ”. Finally, I told her that it was fine, that I was ok, that it doesn’t matter…but it does. There is no talking to her because she acts like her “nerves” are shot and will reach for the anxiety medicine if I confront anything. She actually told me one night when I had just taken a shower and my hair was wet that if I didn’t go to McDonalds and get her what she wanted that she would tell my sisters. She said it kidding, but now I’m not sure she doesn’t tell them all kinds of lies. I believe now she has played us against each other, that she loves drama and she has always had my pop to complain about, and now I think I have taken his place and I will continue to be criticized no matter what I do.
I feel like I have no family, like I’m the villain and I am the one that is giving up everything. I don’t understand how this has happened to me. I have never done anything with less selfish motives; I have never given my life over to anyone the way I have to her. I wait on her hand and foot and don’t mind. I clean up her bowel movements all over the place and never complain. I rush home from work and cook dinner and do dishes and do everything else all the while trying to keep her company. I’m doing all I can do.
If I move out I m not sure what will happen to Mom. She can’t live alone, she’s sick too much and she has never had to take care of herself and I don’t think she can. I really hate my life and I don’t see it changing if I stay. I am venting…..

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daughterofmom, I know how you feel. Caregivers give so much, but often are only resented in return. Many times our parents are of two minds: they need us to be there, but they don't want us living there. So no matter what we do, we are wrong. Siblings also seem to lose respect. Even if we are paying our own way, they can think that we are living off the parents. And if we tell them how we are paying for ourselves, it just makes us feel defensive. Most just don't get it.

I have been going through many of the emotions you feel for 3.5 years. I've learned how to deal with most of them, but the lack of respect has been damaging to the self esteem.

If you are very unhappy, you may want to look around for other arrangements for your mother. There are many ways to take care of her without sacrificing your happiness. You don't owe anyone your happiness. I don't know why your mother left when you were three and didn't take you, but I assume it was because she was very unhappy with something in her life. She should understand if you also need to leave.

Our parents often lie to others about us. I have come to expect it and just let it roll off of me. I don't even confront my mother when I hear it. It is just an attempt to get some attention and sympathy at my expense. She doesn't do it as much now as she used to, so maybe she is getting more accustomed to my face.

Let us know what you decide to do. You have given up so much to come home and, like many of us, your sacrifices are going unappreciated. Sometimes we get lip service from people about what wonderful children we are and blah, blah, blah. Personally I wish people would do things that had more substance than telling us how wonderful we are.
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re: its been six months and I dont know if I can do this any longer
its been 16 yrs (8 of which ive been a full-time caregiver) and I know I CAN'T :-) LOL W
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Time to move out! Look for a suitable nursing home for your mom and put her in there and live your life. Clear and simple ..... get your life back. Your mom lived her life..... so you live yours. You are young only once.
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It sounds like your mother and sisters have taken advantage of your good nature. They do not appear to possess one and they have, to put it bluntly, played you for a fool. While my words may sound harsh, even brutal, you need to wake up to what's really going on. When you're swimming with alligators you better damn well know how to protect yourself. And at this point, it appears that you're not even "swimming," but drowning. You've tried to be the "good daughter' because you have a good heart but this sacrifice you've made has only gotten you smacked in the face. If you wish to reclaim your life (which is your RIGHT), then let your sisters know that you are moving out and planning to place Mom in a nursing facility. If you don't have the funds, read up on Medicaid and what you need to do for your mom to qualify. Final thought: If you let guilt stand in the way of you taking care of yourself, then it's not only your family who is playing you for a fool; you are doing it to yourself as well. Sorry, but supportive, kind words won't improve your situation. Only action on your part can.
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If I were you, I would make a plan, think about where you want to live, find a job there, save your money and move out. Your sisters will take over, you sound like you are not going to win this one, good, you don't need to. Just move when you are set up, keep your plans to yourself and go when you can.
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I believe like is a two way street, it has been my guiding principal in life. When it does not become so....walk.
If people cannot value what you are doing, and of course they do, but will not admit it to you. then say enough!
You will go batty otherwise.
The world is full of selfish people, and they all get to be a relative of someone.......
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well said dunwoody well said :-) W
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typo error.....should read 'life is a two way street'....it'll be the sangria....only joking!
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One final thought: If, among other reasons, you are hesitant to move ahead with taking care of yourself and getting on with your life because, among other reasons, you fear that your sisters will judge you. Yeah, you know, those same sisters who do nothing for Mom but feign concern on the phone (which requires no sacrifice on their part) and are more than content to watch you go through this alone as you slowly bury yourself, then WHY ON EARTH would you care what they think? Remind yourself of this.
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I agree with many of these comments. Do not ruin yourself over this. Your mom does not seem to appreciate you and neither do your sisters. Someone said to check into Medicaid and find a place for Mom. Save yourself. Was your mom always like this? If not, maybe she has dementia and still will need a place to take care of her. Good luck. You deserve better. I was stuck taking care of everything for my mom and siblings who I thought would help didn't. I had always been a good daughter and wondered, too, why I was taking everything on because I am POA. Others didn't want the responsibility and figured they could bow out because I am POA. There is no good answer. But you need to get your life back. As someone said, you are only young once. Don't give everything up for your mom and your sisters.
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I have to join in on this...

I was the caregiver. My mom did all those things... talked about me, was nasty to me, when she was jazzed to see my brother once a year! Quit my job, didn't get a new one, was her care giver 24/7... when she passed away, my brother said wasn't it nice that she was never sick (after I took her to the hospital and was her advocate, sat with her the whole time.... many times the last few years).

It will become like the twilight zone. The best advice I've gotten here...

Tell her you love her every day and hug her if you can. No matter what, one day she will be gone.

Try to remain kind.

Most importantly, take care of you own health and your life. Decide what your goals are and set expectations with her and with siblings. (they will re-write history after she is gone... mine did... it is easy for absent people to forget, or to manipulate things in their heads ... while you give, give, give money, time, love... they will later minimize it).

So, set expectations early. Take an inventory. Keep records.

Take good care of yourself. Unlike children, our parents do not grow up and become independent. They grow older and become more dependent. Be very, very careful of this path. If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.

As for who your family is... someone said here that she has no family. As ugly as my family can get.. I have a family and I choose to recognize them and work with them through these difficult times. That's what family is... at times loving, often challenging, sometimes shockingly ugly and confusing. Do your best to be the voice of reason, but never think that things will work out for the best, unless you are part of the logical, clear thinking, clear communicator, WITH documentation and records.

I worked on my mom's estate for 8 years before she passed away. It has been distributed equally among all siblings. Far more work was done by me than by the others. I am learning to be happy that there was something to distribute. I am happy that I did everything I could for my mom, even though she could be brutal to me... particularly when she was afraid. She acted so self assured, but she was afraid... and although she was nasty to me, and it hurt me a lot, I had to keep telling myself she was just scared, helpless and getting older, and older every day.

Wishing you strength and kindness throughout this process. This is a great time to get on top of it... remember, she will not grow up like a child, it goes the other way and it only gets more and more challenging. My very best wishes to you.

I hope you find the love in your family where ever it may be.
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Call your local agency on aging or whatever it might be called in your area. If your mother doesn't have enough to pay for care, look into Medicaid Don't let her and your sisters abuse you any longer. I agree with Dunwoody. It may not be nice to hear, but it's the truth. I am learning this, too. I am working hard to get help so I don't have to deal with my husband's illness alone. I will never get any help from his sons so I have to get it from outsiders. Just the way it is. Makes me angry and sad, but it is what it is. Pray and find peace.
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Were you asked by mom or sisters to move in or did you volunteer? You say your mom left when you all were very young. Did you all have a normal mother-daughter relationship with her growing up?

You feel an obligation to uproot your life for your mother. Your sisters don't feel the same obligation. Sounds like there are some painful family dynamics here.

Dunwoody's advice is right on. You gave it a shot with your mom and it's not working. You deserve a decent life of your own. Have a heart to heart with your sisters. Just be honest-this plan is not working. Tell them you need their help getting mom into a better situation. Check with elder services in your community to see what services are available.
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I have experienced everything you are talking about with the sisters. I had to cut off all ties with them because they are all toxic and everyday was a struggle trying to keep up with their gossip and criticism while I was caring for my 93 year old mom that I brought into my home to care for. It was not who I was and they try to get you caught up with all of their insanity. Thank god I was not like them. A lot of it is jealousy on their part emotionaly and financially. They even sent me letters from lawyers demanding an accounting of all assets while I was so busy taking care of my mothers needs. When they did that it showed me who they are and it revolved around money. Everything they are doing to you it's a lesson to be learned on our part which made me into a better person. Just remember you will be blamed for everything you are doing even though you are the one caring for your mom so do what's best for you. I am in the process with turning all my moms money over to a nursing home to care for her because it wore me down after a year and a half caring for my mom (alone) it's the best thing for everyone. I also tried live in aids and full time aides but still got all the crap from siblings. I will never have a relationship with my sibling again. They woke me up. Hope this helped you. Ps. I never wanted to put my mom in a home but the circumstances would have made me sick.
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Whatever you do GET OUT. I've been doing this for 17 years. I'm 66 years old and my mom has DEMANDED me care for her since my dad passed. He was on dialysis, blind with one leg. She was so mean to him. I'm 66 years old waiting on her hand and foot, cleaning poop, emptying pot, changing sheets, cooking and listening to the griping. Nothing ever suits her. I'm always wrong. She won't allow home health. I have no one to help. My only brother has Alzheimer's. it's to the ER or doc every week. I never go anywhere. She is filthy on purpose so that I have to clean it up while she says she can't help it. I've come from an abused child to an abused old person.
Now I said all that to show you if you just allow her to do all this to you what your life will be. Put her in a home, tell your sisters if they don't like it then they need to come in and take over. DO NOT ALLOW them to ruin your life. One day you will wake up and you life will have passed you by and your selfish sisters will be living their lives. I don't know how old your mom is but check with Medicaid to see what she qualifies for. Take your life back. At least you have a job to go to to take you away for a while. Don't end up where it is 24 hours a day. If she can be alone while you work, she can be alone for you to live your life.
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its going on 3 three years for me and its my mother in law. love her dearly. i know exactly what your going through.theres one thing NO ONE can take from you and that is your the one thats standing by your mom no matter what, it hard just take one day at a time. hang in there
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Daughterofmom, I can understand the challenges you are having because I have a similar situation in that I have 3 sisters, 2 that live out of state and one that lives in state. My sister that lives locally wants to be in charge, but she does not do anything for mom except give me a small amount of money once in awhile.

At first my mom use to tell my sisters stuff about me now she just tells them about what we do and where we go. At some point my mom will start to tell them lies about what I do and don't deal, I have been preparing my sisters for that time.

Every situation is different and every individual has to make a choice. I do not like nursing homes and my mom cannot live alone, so for me caregiving is the only option.

Lots of advice will come out of these discussions, but you have to make a choice you can live with. Guilt is a common thing when it comes to aging parents, so you have to decide what you can live with. If you think assisted living is the way to or a nursing home, that is something you can deal with then do it.

Always remember we all have choices to make, it is just what can we live with. I am not saying one situation or decision is better than another but we do have to live with ourselves and look ourselves in the mirror. So my thought it talk with your mom and sisters, then make a decision that works best for you.
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You are amazing. Your sisters' are not. But with that said, you need to move on with your life and visit your mom twice a week in an assisted living facility or whatever arrangement your sisters decide. You cannot make your mom happy and all of the other stuff just isn't worth it. No-one has to give up their life for their parents. You owe her respect but that doesn't include giving up your life.
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Having been the main caregiver for my 93-yr old dad, who still lives in his home (my family moved in with him) and has dementia, as well as visiting my 89 year old mom who lives in a nursing home, I know your hopelessness and depression and it's not good. You truly need to get counseling! I know; I suffer from major depression and this past year has been a roller coaster of extreme ups and downs. Don't listen to any of these detrimental posts that downplay your pain. They are struggling just as much as you and sounds to me like they are mired in bitterness. Don't let that happen to you! Get help! Talking to a professional, someone experienced in this and completely impartial will be your saving grace. I have felt this hopelessness many, many times, to the point that I simply wanted to die. I have one sister who runs hot and cold; sometimes she helps, sometimes weeks go by and we don't hear from her. Your mom telling lies about you is probably a combination of her impaired memory and her bitterness; she's just venting. Do not engage in this with her or your sister!!! That is exactly what they want you to do. Take a deep breath, get some counseling, consider maybe having your mom take a low dose of an antidepressant--dad takes 0.5 mg. of Zoloft everyday and it has made a world of difference--the elderly are often extremely depressed, do not know how to express it, won't comply with talk therapy, but a low dose antidepressant works wonders. God bless you! Hang in there! Remember each day is a gift; there are guardian angels everywhere and silver linings to most every dark cloud; just attune yourself to all the good things that happen and appreciate them as deeply as you can. This is what I do, and it got me from enduring two hospitalized breakdowns to feeling pretty good, working, and trying to always put a bridle on your bad feelings. Things get better. Truly! Each day is an adventure, a gift and bad always gives way to good.
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Wow, listen to what people are saying. MOST are saying move on and I tend to agree. I have two siblings, neither does anything. One accuses me (behind my back), of taking their money. They can hire 40 lawyers; they will never find a penny out of place. Plus, my parents have no money that's the irony. I have been caring for both my mother and father for 3.5 years, alone.Dad now in a nursing home on Medicaid. That is a LONG process so I do recommend just looking into it now. When Mom's money runs out, she will not live me and my family. I've sacrificed so much already and the others have done nothing. I will make sure we find her a good place and I will visit her and do her laundry just like I do for Dad now. But it took, 3.5 years for me to see I had to set limits. Along with all the daily care, errands, groceries, church, hair appts, doctor appointments surgeries, you name it, I've done it all and now I'm beat. You see, even though we don't see it this way, we put ourselves in this position by taking on the responsibility. Whether it was out of love, guilt, or kindness, we took it on. Some people can handle it for years and years. I'm not one of them. So now you need to take your life back, but only you can do that. Well, it's too much for me so now I'm stepping back and putting myself first. Your local sister might step up since she's all about the money. I agree you should move out. Mom will survive or sister can pay for her care.
xo
-SS
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Dunwoody is right.
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Hello it is such a pain to even read your comments. I took care of my mom from age 12 to 30 and today I have all sorts of health problems from the worrying and such. If I was to do it again board and care is where she would be. I would visit weekly, state ran or private...you need to live your life and not be the mother to your parent. She will understand it better by and by.toughlove
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I haven't read through your entire post yet, OP, but let me say this: I live in New York City. My grandmother is in eastern Connecticut and I am her conservator (appointed by the probate court). Living in New York is hardly an excuse for caring for a parent in need. AT ALL. Living in New York provides opportunities like nowhere else in this country for 24 hour a day transportation to wherever in the States you want to go. There is NO excuse for getting anywhere from here. I just wanted to throw that into the discussion.
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EDIT: There is NO excuse for [not] getting anywhere from here.
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Oh daughterofmom....we do understand. Until I came to this forum, I thought I was the only one with these kinds of experiences with our ill parents. I have only 1 sibling who is 'able' to help with mom. It is small help but at least it is close by. The rest is on my shoulders. I have been taking care of my mom for 10 years and slowly watching my mom get worse. I don't know if I could have created a different situation long ago cause in the beginning it was more manageable. Now things have totally gotten worse and I am watching my own mental and physical health decline. If you can do anything to improve your situation--living inside or outside the home, do it now. Research all of your options. You are going to have to be the proactive one in the family. All I get from my siblings is the attitude like, "it's not my problem". Take care, hang on and the very best to you in finding a solution.
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DaughterfromMom, What a journey you are on, out of the goodness of your heart. Every family seems to have ONE caretaker, and the others are just onlookers, or worse....criticizing onlookers. Your Mom sounds like she's very manipulative, pretending to need anxiety meds to simmer down when you confront her about back stabbing you as you try your best to take care of her. Your are a saint, and she MAY "get it" some day, or maybe not. But it's only been a short time, so maybe there's an adjustment period going on. :) I agree w/ some of these comments, especially Jessebelle's saying "ignore her comments to other people." That's a good one, because it's true what she says, a lot of times it's just attention getting behavior, and it's quite common. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. I overhear my Mom saying really crazy stuff to people on the phone. You'd think she was a prisoner made to stay in her own rooms, not doing anything with us.....NOT!!! I just find it humorous now, although it used to make me mad. And Dunwoody's comment about "Why on earth would you care!" about those sisters opinions is totally true. They won't lift a hand to help you. They don't deserve a care or thought from you about what they think. They're selfish, and out of guilt they just find ways to appease your Mom by listening to her fabrications, and agree w/ her. It just helps them live with their own selfish ways w/ less guilt! Don't even waste your precious time and energy on caring what they think. Suzi and Kthin3 made some of the few positive comments, and I thought they were very good and thoughtful. A different way of looking at the scenario, for sure. But their comments were caring, and had some good advice. You deserve thanks and immense kudos for what you gave up to care for someone who sounds self indulging, but like one of the comments said, it's likely she's acting out of a place of fear and panic. Things may go more smoothly once she gets used to a new life, and realizes that you are her salvation, really!! Otherwise, she'll end up in a state run nursing home or whatever. Yikes. Not a pleasant thought. Perhaps she should go visit one with you, and see where she may start living if she continues to abuse you and take you for granted!! That may give her a wake up call. Best of luck to you, caring daughter. You are a very good person. Blessings from Braida. Hugs too!!
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You mentioned you were spending your own money so your Mom's money doesn't disappear - DON'T. By doing this you are only prolonging the inevitable. You don't mention what health problems your mother has (other than a convenient case of "anxiety"...and I'm assuming a personality disorder at the least) - this situation could drag on for years to come. While it's noble of you to sacrifice your entire life to care for your Mom, who doesn't seem to appreciate a lick of it, after only 6 months you are seeing how this is affecting you. Imagine 2, 5, 10 years down the road. You need to get out, and you need to do it now. Don't consult your sisters for their opinions - don't "ask" your mom if she minds if you move out - just DO IT. Your sisters seem to have a more realistic handle on the situation than you do - time to follow their lead.
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Six months was the point where I doubted my decision to move in with my parents. Both of them are diagnosed with Alzheimers and I work a full time job. They can't manage their meds anymore - about 35 daily between the two of them - and that's now my job. My mom is currently still able to do quite a bit and takes care of dad's basic needs during the day, which I am very grateful for. We also have state paid care for about 5-6 hours a day while I'm gone at work. Even with all the help, it's still hard, draining, stressful and my blood pressure is high.

What I found is that I had ulterior motives deep down inside that I didn't even know I had before I moved in. I wanted mom and dad to see me as worthy; I wanted their love. I moved in with this as an undercurrent and not something I was even aware of. No one else was stepping up, so on the surface just thought it was the only way to take care of the situation. I have three sisters who live out of town who say how wonderful it is that I am living with mom and dad; but that is pretty much the extent of their "help". If they could even call to allow me to vent, that would be great, but sometimes they don't even return my calls now. Guess it's just too tough on them...

When my parents finally signed a medical power of attorney, they put my other sisters' names on and not me. For some reason that really hurt. When I found the document in with some medical records, I took a deep breath and told mom and dad I was glad they had finally signed the document. Mother pulled me aside later and told me that the reason she didn't put me on there was because my sisters talked bad about me behind my back and she didn't want them to accuse me of anything bad at the very end.

I emailed all three of my sisters and told them that apparently my moving in had caused more family disharmony than I had intended, and they could figure out what they were going to do with their parents because when my tenants moved out of my house in June, I was done. It brought everyone to the point of understanding what I was doing and they all called and said they hadn't realized how their convesations with mom had hurt me. One apologized and the other two said it never happend and yelled at my mom on the phone for saying such a thing. I decided to stay for a while longer and not move out in June which will be one year with mom and dad; primarily because I just can't face putting them in a facility. None of my sisters what them to be in their town - even though they would have multiple family members to check on them. In the city where I live, I am the only one to do everything.

Bottom line. You have to decide, as I have had to decide, why you are there and whether or not that is where you want to be. No one else's approval or help. Not even your mom's respect or approval can be the reason you are there. If it is what you want, then stay. If not, go. This has to be an internal decision from your soul. But if you are really there to finally fill some gap, if you are there to get the love you didn't get as a child, if you are there for some ulterior motive, then acknowledge that and know you are probably just going to be hurt more. You will never get love and respect from someone who is selfish. If you can stay for your own reasons to honor this person because she is your mother and gave you life, because she is a human being who can't take care of herself and you want to take on that role, then staying might be for you to do. But be clear about why you are there and what you want from the situation. I thought I was there for selfless reasons too, and found out more about myself than expected.

Finally I add this, my parents and I had a sit down talk. No one was angry at the time. I was really shaking inside when I told my mom and dad that if we can't get along, then they will have to find another place to live since they can no longer live by themselves. I hated saying those words. I hated facing their unspoken fear and getting it out in the open. But as one sister told me later, it is the truth. The turnaround has been remarkable. I still get my feelings hurt, from time to time, but I am getting more acknowledgement of thanks from my mom and dad, they are happy to be at home with all their things around them.

Just know that that getting respect from anyone cannot be the goal; except the respect you feel for yourself for doing what you want to do and doing it well. This has to come from within you as to the service you are giving, not what you want emotionally, or what you can GET from doing the service. It is an opportunity to grow and unfold in ways you never expected if that is where your path calls you. But if you are not on that path, it is completely appropriate for you to see the situation for what it is and LEAVE FOR SELF PRESERVATION'S SAKE.

Happiness is key. There is no right or wrong in this. If your mom is placed in a facility that can keep her safe and healthy, you can visit and find the relationship you want with her or find that relationship just is not there. But when you walk away to go home, you can know in your heart that you did your best.

Focus on clarity, clarity for your heart' purpose, clarilty for your family, clarity for your self love that must come first for you to have anything to share.

Much love.
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A very sick situation. dom: Some of the things you say about "person you are caregiver for" are similar to how a Narcissist behaves. She never was nor ever will be "the person you want her to be." That's interesting. If we come into the world having expectations of being loved, protected, parented, we figure it out years later when we wonder what is wrong with US. Your sisters and NM would get such enjoyment that you feel guilt for everything. The more truth you project, the more they will tell you how crazy you are. Don't buy it. You are stronger than you think, and you better wise up now.
Whatever causes individuals to be sick and selfish from an early age and then morph into dementia-ridden monsters makes hell on earth for decent off-spring.
Listen to strangers, but kindred spirits, here who actually CARE ABOUT YOU MORE THAN YOUR FAMILY!
When I read stories like yours and of so many other sweet people here--dealing with generations of narcissists--it reinforces how strong we are and must be to survive. Detach emotionally and physically from them and don't look back. They will all survive just fine without you, and will continue to blame you for everything whether you are in their lives or not.
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I am always amazed at how one person does all the care giving and the other sloths do nothing for the parent that needs care. My husband and I are in the same boat---his brother and SIL in Fla. want nothing to do with the Mom and all falls on us. My mother in law has virtually no assets, no investment or home that can be sold for her care, just the meager SS check and a very tiny pension of a couple hundred dollars. DO NOT SPEND YOU OWN MONIES TO CARE FOR HER. Spend down her money and you should start looking into agencies like the VA (was your dad a veteran?) and other sources. If she has to go into a Medicaid facility so be it. You can not jeapordize your own situation or let her manipulate you . You are a person of value and should not be taken advantage of by her and your other siblings. No one is going to take care of but you so do what is best for you, without guilt.
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