Follow
Share
Read More
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
1 2 3
Were you asked by mom or sisters to move in or did you volunteer? You say your mom left when you all were very young. Did you all have a normal mother-daughter relationship with her growing up?

You feel an obligation to uproot your life for your mother. Your sisters don't feel the same obligation. Sounds like there are some painful family dynamics here.

Dunwoody's advice is right on. You gave it a shot with your mom and it's not working. You deserve a decent life of your own. Have a heart to heart with your sisters. Just be honest-this plan is not working. Tell them you need their help getting mom into a better situation. Check with elder services in your community to see what services are available.
(4)
Report

Call your local agency on aging or whatever it might be called in your area. If your mother doesn't have enough to pay for care, look into Medicaid Don't let her and your sisters abuse you any longer. I agree with Dunwoody. It may not be nice to hear, but it's the truth. I am learning this, too. I am working hard to get help so I don't have to deal with my husband's illness alone. I will never get any help from his sons so I have to get it from outsiders. Just the way it is. Makes me angry and sad, but it is what it is. Pray and find peace.
(3)
Report

I have to join in on this...

I was the caregiver. My mom did all those things... talked about me, was nasty to me, when she was jazzed to see my brother once a year! Quit my job, didn't get a new one, was her care giver 24/7... when she passed away, my brother said wasn't it nice that she was never sick (after I took her to the hospital and was her advocate, sat with her the whole time.... many times the last few years).

It will become like the twilight zone. The best advice I've gotten here...

Tell her you love her every day and hug her if you can. No matter what, one day she will be gone.

Try to remain kind.

Most importantly, take care of you own health and your life. Decide what your goals are and set expectations with her and with siblings. (they will re-write history after she is gone... mine did... it is easy for absent people to forget, or to manipulate things in their heads ... while you give, give, give money, time, love... they will later minimize it).

So, set expectations early. Take an inventory. Keep records.

Take good care of yourself. Unlike children, our parents do not grow up and become independent. They grow older and become more dependent. Be very, very careful of this path. If you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anyone else.

As for who your family is... someone said here that she has no family. As ugly as my family can get.. I have a family and I choose to recognize them and work with them through these difficult times. That's what family is... at times loving, often challenging, sometimes shockingly ugly and confusing. Do your best to be the voice of reason, but never think that things will work out for the best, unless you are part of the logical, clear thinking, clear communicator, WITH documentation and records.

I worked on my mom's estate for 8 years before she passed away. It has been distributed equally among all siblings. Far more work was done by me than by the others. I am learning to be happy that there was something to distribute. I am happy that I did everything I could for my mom, even though she could be brutal to me... particularly when she was afraid. She acted so self assured, but she was afraid... and although she was nasty to me, and it hurt me a lot, I had to keep telling myself she was just scared, helpless and getting older, and older every day.

Wishing you strength and kindness throughout this process. This is a great time to get on top of it... remember, she will not grow up like a child, it goes the other way and it only gets more and more challenging. My very best wishes to you.

I hope you find the love in your family where ever it may be.
(6)
Report

I agree with many of these comments. Do not ruin yourself over this. Your mom does not seem to appreciate you and neither do your sisters. Someone said to check into Medicaid and find a place for Mom. Save yourself. Was your mom always like this? If not, maybe she has dementia and still will need a place to take care of her. Good luck. You deserve better. I was stuck taking care of everything for my mom and siblings who I thought would help didn't. I had always been a good daughter and wondered, too, why I was taking everything on because I am POA. Others didn't want the responsibility and figured they could bow out because I am POA. There is no good answer. But you need to get your life back. As someone said, you are only young once. Don't give everything up for your mom and your sisters.
(5)
Report

One final thought: If, among other reasons, you are hesitant to move ahead with taking care of yourself and getting on with your life because, among other reasons, you fear that your sisters will judge you. Yeah, you know, those same sisters who do nothing for Mom but feign concern on the phone (which requires no sacrifice on their part) and are more than content to watch you go through this alone as you slowly bury yourself, then WHY ON EARTH would you care what they think? Remind yourself of this.
(13)
Report

typo error.....should read 'life is a two way street'....it'll be the sangria....only joking!
(1)
Report

well said dunwoody well said :-) W
(1)
Report

I believe like is a two way street, it has been my guiding principal in life. When it does not become so....walk.
If people cannot value what you are doing, and of course they do, but will not admit it to you. then say enough!
You will go batty otherwise.
The world is full of selfish people, and they all get to be a relative of someone.......
(9)
Report

If I were you, I would make a plan, think about where you want to live, find a job there, save your money and move out. Your sisters will take over, you sound like you are not going to win this one, good, you don't need to. Just move when you are set up, keep your plans to yourself and go when you can.
(5)
Report

It sounds like your mother and sisters have taken advantage of your good nature. They do not appear to possess one and they have, to put it bluntly, played you for a fool. While my words may sound harsh, even brutal, you need to wake up to what's really going on. When you're swimming with alligators you better damn well know how to protect yourself. And at this point, it appears that you're not even "swimming," but drowning. You've tried to be the "good daughter' because you have a good heart but this sacrifice you've made has only gotten you smacked in the face. If you wish to reclaim your life (which is your RIGHT), then let your sisters know that you are moving out and planning to place Mom in a nursing facility. If you don't have the funds, read up on Medicaid and what you need to do for your mom to qualify. Final thought: If you let guilt stand in the way of you taking care of yourself, then it's not only your family who is playing you for a fool; you are doing it to yourself as well. Sorry, but supportive, kind words won't improve your situation. Only action on your part can.
(24)
Report

Time to move out! Look for a suitable nursing home for your mom and put her in there and live your life. Clear and simple ..... get your life back. Your mom lived her life..... so you live yours. You are young only once.
(18)
Report

re: its been six months and I dont know if I can do this any longer
its been 16 yrs (8 of which ive been a full-time caregiver) and I know I CAN'T :-) LOL W
(2)
Report

daughterofmom, I know how you feel. Caregivers give so much, but often are only resented in return. Many times our parents are of two minds: they need us to be there, but they don't want us living there. So no matter what we do, we are wrong. Siblings also seem to lose respect. Even if we are paying our own way, they can think that we are living off the parents. And if we tell them how we are paying for ourselves, it just makes us feel defensive. Most just don't get it.

I have been going through many of the emotions you feel for 3.5 years. I've learned how to deal with most of them, but the lack of respect has been damaging to the self esteem.

If you are very unhappy, you may want to look around for other arrangements for your mother. There are many ways to take care of her without sacrificing your happiness. You don't owe anyone your happiness. I don't know why your mother left when you were three and didn't take you, but I assume it was because she was very unhappy with something in her life. She should understand if you also need to leave.

Our parents often lie to others about us. I have come to expect it and just let it roll off of me. I don't even confront my mother when I hear it. It is just an attempt to get some attention and sympathy at my expense. She doesn't do it as much now as she used to, so maybe she is getting more accustomed to my face.

Let us know what you decide to do. You have given up so much to come home and, like many of us, your sacrifices are going unappreciated. Sometimes we get lip service from people about what wonderful children we are and blah, blah, blah. Personally I wish people would do things that had more substance than telling us how wonderful we are.
(18)
Report

1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter