Been six months and I don't know if I can do this any longer.

My mom has been living with me for many years. She's 101 years old and she is driving me nuts. I have a sister who only knows how to fend for herself. At least your sister spends an hour with your mom every Friday. Mine only comes here to visit if there are other people present. She has not once taken mom out to give me a respite.
It seems in each family there is one responsible member who will take on the challenges of caring for a parent. It seems you are that person in your family.
The ones who don't help are the ones who are the "angels" and the ones who get complained to. My mom lies to me and to everyone who will listen to get her way. I don't know if this is helpful to you but at least your are not the only one. There are a lot of us who are sick of being care givers. I have stopped communicating to my mom and only speak to her when necessary. Old age has changed her in ways I don't like. I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. I won't put my mom in a home because I would feel too guilty. I hope you have more strength.

I think Kayjay got it right.

Make a plan and get out. Start saving your money.

If you have been through a rough patch and financially are not where you want to be, give your self permission to envision a happy future and start cutting out pictures of what that looks like and saving them. Go look for people who have what you want and start asking them about how they got where they wanted to be.

Try to find funny movies, funny people to give you a good laugh.

When everything is so drama queen driven it's very hard to be up beat.

don't do this to yourself...make arrangements for someone else to care for your mother or have her placed in facility. And DON'T take any crap from your siblings.

Good to vent! However, you chose this situation and it will be YOU to fix it. I have similar sisters and I knew I had to be an advocate for our mother, but it still hurts to hear untrue things said about you. You either have to let it go in one ear and out the other or find yourself another place to live. You did not say your mother has been diagnosed with dementia so I am only giving you some of my thoughts. Good luck and take care of YOURSELF.

re; my mom absolutely fights the idea of a shower or bath
join the club

we have home health care giving her sponge baths at least twice a week

:-) Wayne

My mom absolutely fights the idea of a shower or bath. I would put up daily cards that would remind her when it was 'shower day' and she would just push them out of the way. So I kept putting it up each day and she would just ignore it. I told her that if she doesn't start bathing regularly that I would get a nurse to come in and do it. I hate to take her freedom of choice away from her. I tried to just keep it casual with just the reminder but she isn't having it. One day she outright said to me, "I don't see why I have to take a shower". I told her that she didn't have to everyday but at least twice a week or every three days would be nice. She just said, "Why"?

Mama cusses us everyday at bath time. Your sisters don't want to be bothered and you need a break. If you cannot afford a nh, Midicare will pay for a day nurse to come and stay with her for 4 hrs a day maybe more. You need to be alone without worring about what sisters or people will say. The nh sounds wonderful. Give it a try and have no guilt about it

Sorry suppose to say my mom lives with me...

daughterofmom, I know how you feel. My mother has been staying with me for the past five months. If you can't have your needs met in your situation, then you need to get out. I too feel like it's "best" to provide care for my mother in my home as opposed to sending her to a nursing home--she is totally against the idea. However, there comes a time when it becomes too much to handle. Don't let your happiness or your physical/mental health be put at risk. The feeling of being burned out is more intensified when there is no appreciation and no family support. You've bent over backwards to accommodate your mother's needs; be willing to take care of yourself too.

I agree that dom can SEE to her mother's necessary care, but she doesn't owe her mothr anything besides a detached, unemotional administration of said "care."
She is investing her entire life and all her emotions into a sick situation.
If a person has not experienced a lifetime of an awful mother--not to mention one who ABANDONED her children--they have NO IDEA.
We are caring and forgiving people who care for and see to the end of life care for people who did not do the same for us as children when it really mattered. Additionally, we do not repeat the sickness, but instead struggle and forge a new pattern of parenting for our own children, therefore, breaking the chain.

I'm with Dunwoody. The damage to you is going to end up being greater than the help to your Mother. She sounds like a survivor - she will come out on top no matter what the circumstances. Bless you for your kind and generous spirit, but take care of yourself.
Also, the time to move her into a nursing/assisted living facility is now while she has some money of her own. Facilities are far more motivated to help her get on Medicaid when her money runs out, than if you wait. I found this out the hard way. ;(
Try not to feel guilty, this is best for all. God bless!

I so know how u feel.. except she my mom lives in my mom.. I have no say over anything. And she always calls my niece and sister and tells them her lies.. my sister knows better through she tried to live with her and couldn't either... so I am her last resort.. but I can't do this..

Hi daughterofmom. I'm so sorry you are going through this and all I can say is don't pay attention to your sisters. In the end, they both know what you are sacrificing and so DOES YOUR MOM. It may not seem that way now. What I can tell you is to Hospice for help, they may be able to give you some relief and perhaps some ideas as to how financially you can have some respite care. You need it!

I know some people here say, move out, leave her and forget about your sisters; I disagree with that because once your Mother is gone, guess who has to live with the decisions you've made in life... YOU and not your sisters. Like I said earlier, they know what you are doing and if they don't realize it, then it really doesn't matter. What you choose to do and if not to take care of your Mom may later haunt you. Whether she was a bad mother or not, you don't have to do the same because you are different. Think about this situation not being "done to you" but that your Mother doesn't have much time left. You don't say what's wrong with your Mom in your letter so I don't know the specifics. I come from a country where you don't walk away from family because things get tough and you certainly don't put your parents in a facility for someone else to take care of her. As I said no matter how she chose to parent you, this should not reflect as the type of person you are. Have patience, ignore what your sisters are saying or what your Mother says about you. Do the right thing for you in the caring of your Mother. All you can do is your best. I wish you all the luck and peace you deserve.

I am always amazed at how one person does all the care giving and the other sloths do nothing for the parent that needs care. My husband and I are in the same boat---his brother and SIL in Fla. want nothing to do with the Mom and all falls on us. My mother in law has virtually no assets, no investment or home that can be sold for her care, just the meager SS check and a very tiny pension of a couple hundred dollars. DO NOT SPEND YOU OWN MONIES TO CARE FOR HER. Spend down her money and you should start looking into agencies like the VA (was your dad a veteran?) and other sources. If she has to go into a Medicaid facility so be it. You can not jeapordize your own situation or let her manipulate you . You are a person of value and should not be taken advantage of by her and your other siblings. No one is going to take care of but you so do what is best for you, without guilt.

A very sick situation. dom: Some of the things you say about "person you are caregiver for" are similar to how a Narcissist behaves. She never was nor ever will be "the person you want her to be." That's interesting. If we come into the world having expectations of being loved, protected, parented, we figure it out years later when we wonder what is wrong with US. Your sisters and NM would get such enjoyment that you feel guilt for everything. The more truth you project, the more they will tell you how crazy you are. Don't buy it. You are stronger than you think, and you better wise up now.
Whatever causes individuals to be sick and selfish from an early age and then morph into dementia-ridden monsters makes hell on earth for decent off-spring.
Listen to strangers, but kindred spirits, here who actually CARE ABOUT YOU MORE THAN YOUR FAMILY!
When I read stories like yours and of so many other sweet people here--dealing with generations of narcissists--it reinforces how strong we are and must be to survive. Detach emotionally and physically from them and don't look back. They will all survive just fine without you, and will continue to blame you for everything whether you are in their lives or not.

Six months was the point where I doubted my decision to move in with my parents. Both of them are diagnosed with Alzheimers and I work a full time job. They can't manage their meds anymore - about 35 daily between the two of them - and that's now my job. My mom is currently still able to do quite a bit and takes care of dad's basic needs during the day, which I am very grateful for. We also have state paid care for about 5-6 hours a day while I'm gone at work. Even with all the help, it's still hard, draining, stressful and my blood pressure is high.

What I found is that I had ulterior motives deep down inside that I didn't even know I had before I moved in. I wanted mom and dad to see me as worthy; I wanted their love. I moved in with this as an undercurrent and not something I was even aware of. No one else was stepping up, so on the surface just thought it was the only way to take care of the situation. I have three sisters who live out of town who say how wonderful it is that I am living with mom and dad; but that is pretty much the extent of their "help". If they could even call to allow me to vent, that would be great, but sometimes they don't even return my calls now. Guess it's just too tough on them...

When my parents finally signed a medical power of attorney, they put my other sisters' names on and not me. For some reason that really hurt. When I found the document in with some medical records, I took a deep breath and told mom and dad I was glad they had finally signed the document. Mother pulled me aside later and told me that the reason she didn't put me on there was because my sisters talked bad about me behind my back and she didn't want them to accuse me of anything bad at the very end.

I emailed all three of my sisters and told them that apparently my moving in had caused more family disharmony than I had intended, and they could figure out what they were going to do with their parents because when my tenants moved out of my house in June, I was done. It brought everyone to the point of understanding what I was doing and they all called and said they hadn't realized how their convesations with mom had hurt me. One apologized and the other two said it never happend and yelled at my mom on the phone for saying such a thing. I decided to stay for a while longer and not move out in June which will be one year with mom and dad; primarily because I just can't face putting them in a facility. None of my sisters what them to be in their town - even though they would have multiple family members to check on them. In the city where I live, I am the only one to do everything.

Bottom line. You have to decide, as I have had to decide, why you are there and whether or not that is where you want to be. No one else's approval or help. Not even your mom's respect or approval can be the reason you are there. If it is what you want, then stay. If not, go. This has to be an internal decision from your soul. But if you are really there to finally fill some gap, if you are there to get the love you didn't get as a child, if you are there for some ulterior motive, then acknowledge that and know you are probably just going to be hurt more. You will never get love and respect from someone who is selfish. If you can stay for your own reasons to honor this person because she is your mother and gave you life, because she is a human being who can't take care of herself and you want to take on that role, then staying might be for you to do. But be clear about why you are there and what you want from the situation. I thought I was there for selfless reasons too, and found out more about myself than expected.

Finally I add this, my parents and I had a sit down talk. No one was angry at the time. I was really shaking inside when I told my mom and dad that if we can't get along, then they will have to find another place to live since they can no longer live by themselves. I hated saying those words. I hated facing their unspoken fear and getting it out in the open. But as one sister told me later, it is the truth. The turnaround has been remarkable. I still get my feelings hurt, from time to time, but I am getting more acknowledgement of thanks from my mom and dad, they are happy to be at home with all their things around them.

Just know that that getting respect from anyone cannot be the goal; except the respect you feel for yourself for doing what you want to do and doing it well. This has to come from within you as to the service you are giving, not what you want emotionally, or what you can GET from doing the service. It is an opportunity to grow and unfold in ways you never expected if that is where your path calls you. But if you are not on that path, it is completely appropriate for you to see the situation for what it is and LEAVE FOR SELF PRESERVATION'S SAKE.

Happiness is key. There is no right or wrong in this. If your mom is placed in a facility that can keep her safe and healthy, you can visit and find the relationship you want with her or find that relationship just is not there. But when you walk away to go home, you can know in your heart that you did your best.

Focus on clarity, clarity for your heart' purpose, clarilty for your family, clarity for your self love that must come first for you to have anything to share.

Much love.

You mentioned you were spending your own money so your Mom's money doesn't disappear - DON'T. By doing this you are only prolonging the inevitable. You don't mention what health problems your mother has (other than a convenient case of "anxiety"...and I'm assuming a personality disorder at the least) - this situation could drag on for years to come. While it's noble of you to sacrifice your entire life to care for your Mom, who doesn't seem to appreciate a lick of it, after only 6 months you are seeing how this is affecting you. Imagine 2, 5, 10 years down the road. You need to get out, and you need to do it now. Don't consult your sisters for their opinions - don't "ask" your mom if she minds if you move out - just DO IT. Your sisters seem to have a more realistic handle on the situation than you do - time to follow their lead.

DaughterfromMom, What a journey you are on, out of the goodness of your heart. Every family seems to have ONE caretaker, and the others are just onlookers, or worse....criticizing onlookers. Your Mom sounds like she's very manipulative, pretending to need anxiety meds to simmer down when you confront her about back stabbing you as you try your best to take care of her. Your are a saint, and she MAY "get it" some day, or maybe not. But it's only been a short time, so maybe there's an adjustment period going on. :) I agree w/ some of these comments, especially Jessebelle's saying "ignore her comments to other people." That's a good one, because it's true what she says, a lot of times it's just attention getting behavior, and it's quite common. Just let it go in one ear and out the other. I overhear my Mom saying really crazy stuff to people on the phone. You'd think she was a prisoner made to stay in her own rooms, not doing anything with us.....NOT!!! I just find it humorous now, although it used to make me mad. And Dunwoody's comment about "Why on earth would you care!" about those sisters opinions is totally true. They won't lift a hand to help you. They don't deserve a care or thought from you about what they think. They're selfish, and out of guilt they just find ways to appease your Mom by listening to her fabrications, and agree w/ her. It just helps them live with their own selfish ways w/ less guilt! Don't even waste your precious time and energy on caring what they think. Suzi and Kthin3 made some of the few positive comments, and I thought they were very good and thoughtful. A different way of looking at the scenario, for sure. But their comments were caring, and had some good advice. You deserve thanks and immense kudos for what you gave up to care for someone who sounds self indulging, but like one of the comments said, it's likely she's acting out of a place of fear and panic. Things may go more smoothly once she gets used to a new life, and realizes that you are her salvation, really!! Otherwise, she'll end up in a state run nursing home or whatever. Yikes. Not a pleasant thought. Perhaps she should go visit one with you, and see where she may start living if she continues to abuse you and take you for granted!! That may give her a wake up call. Best of luck to you, caring daughter. You are a very good person. Blessings from Braida. Hugs too!!

Oh daughterofmom....we do understand. Until I came to this forum, I thought I was the only one with these kinds of experiences with our ill parents. I have only 1 sibling who is 'able' to help with mom. It is small help but at least it is close by. The rest is on my shoulders. I have been taking care of my mom for 10 years and slowly watching my mom get worse. I don't know if I could have created a different situation long ago cause in the beginning it was more manageable. Now things have totally gotten worse and I am watching my own mental and physical health decline. If you can do anything to improve your situation--living inside or outside the home, do it now. Research all of your options. You are going to have to be the proactive one in the family. All I get from my siblings is the attitude like, "it's not my problem". Take care, hang on and the very best to you in finding a solution.

EDIT: There is NO excuse for [not] getting anywhere from here.

I haven't read through your entire post yet, OP, but let me say this: I live in New York City. My grandmother is in eastern Connecticut and I am her conservator (appointed by the probate court). Living in New York is hardly an excuse for caring for a parent in need. AT ALL. Living in New York provides opportunities like nowhere else in this country for 24 hour a day transportation to wherever in the States you want to go. There is NO excuse for getting anywhere from here. I just wanted to throw that into the discussion.

Hello it is such a pain to even read your comments. I took care of my mom from age 12 to 30 and today I have all sorts of health problems from the worrying and such. If I was to do it again board and care is where she would be. I would visit weekly, state ran or private...you need to live your life and not be the mother to your parent. She will understand it better by and by.toughlove

Dunwoody is right.

Wow, listen to what people are saying. MOST are saying move on and I tend to agree. I have two siblings, neither does anything. One accuses me (behind my back), of taking their money. They can hire 40 lawyers; they will never find a penny out of place. Plus, my parents have no money that's the irony. I have been caring for both my mother and father for 3.5 years, alone.Dad now in a nursing home on Medicaid. That is a LONG process so I do recommend just looking into it now. When Mom's money runs out, she will not live me and my family. I've sacrificed so much already and the others have done nothing. I will make sure we find her a good place and I will visit her and do her laundry just like I do for Dad now. But it took, 3.5 years for me to see I had to set limits. Along with all the daily care, errands, groceries, church, hair appts, doctor appointments surgeries, you name it, I've done it all and now I'm beat. You see, even though we don't see it this way, we put ourselves in this position by taking on the responsibility. Whether it was out of love, guilt, or kindness, we took it on. Some people can handle it for years and years. I'm not one of them. So now you need to take your life back, but only you can do that. Well, it's too much for me so now I'm stepping back and putting myself first. Your local sister might step up since she's all about the money. I agree you should move out. Mom will survive or sister can pay for her care.
xo
-SS

Having been the main caregiver for my 93-yr old dad, who still lives in his home (my family moved in with him) and has dementia, as well as visiting my 89 year old mom who lives in a nursing home, I know your hopelessness and depression and it's not good. You truly need to get counseling! I know; I suffer from major depression and this past year has been a roller coaster of extreme ups and downs. Don't listen to any of these detrimental posts that downplay your pain. They are struggling just as much as you and sounds to me like they are mired in bitterness. Don't let that happen to you! Get help! Talking to a professional, someone experienced in this and completely impartial will be your saving grace. I have felt this hopelessness many, many times, to the point that I simply wanted to die. I have one sister who runs hot and cold; sometimes she helps, sometimes weeks go by and we don't hear from her. Your mom telling lies about you is probably a combination of her impaired memory and her bitterness; she's just venting. Do not engage in this with her or your sister!!! That is exactly what they want you to do. Take a deep breath, get some counseling, consider maybe having your mom take a low dose of an antidepressant--dad takes 0.5 mg. of Zoloft everyday and it has made a world of difference--the elderly are often extremely depressed, do not know how to express it, won't comply with talk therapy, but a low dose antidepressant works wonders. God bless you! Hang in there! Remember each day is a gift; there are guardian angels everywhere and silver linings to most every dark cloud; just attune yourself to all the good things that happen and appreciate them as deeply as you can. This is what I do, and it got me from enduring two hospitalized breakdowns to feeling pretty good, working, and trying to always put a bridle on your bad feelings. Things get better. Truly! Each day is an adventure, a gift and bad always gives way to good.

You are amazing. Your sisters' are not. But with that said, you need to move on with your life and visit your mom twice a week in an assisted living facility or whatever arrangement your sisters decide. You cannot make your mom happy and all of the other stuff just isn't worth it. No-one has to give up their life for their parents. You owe her respect but that doesn't include giving up your life.

Daughterofmom, I can understand the challenges you are having because I have a similar situation in that I have 3 sisters, 2 that live out of state and one that lives in state. My sister that lives locally wants to be in charge, but she does not do anything for mom except give me a small amount of money once in awhile.

At first my mom use to tell my sisters stuff about me now she just tells them about what we do and where we go. At some point my mom will start to tell them lies about what I do and don't deal, I have been preparing my sisters for that time.

Every situation is different and every individual has to make a choice. I do not like nursing homes and my mom cannot live alone, so for me caregiving is the only option.

Lots of advice will come out of these discussions, but you have to make a choice you can live with. Guilt is a common thing when it comes to aging parents, so you have to decide what you can live with. If you think assisted living is the way to or a nursing home, that is something you can deal with then do it.

Always remember we all have choices to make, it is just what can we live with. I am not saying one situation or decision is better than another but we do have to live with ourselves and look ourselves in the mirror. So my thought it talk with your mom and sisters, then make a decision that works best for you.

its going on 3 three years for me and its my mother in law. love her dearly. i know exactly what your going through.theres one thing NO ONE can take from you and that is your the one thats standing by your mom no matter what, it hard just take one day at a time. hang in there

Whatever you do GET OUT. I've been doing this for 17 years. I'm 66 years old and my mom has DEMANDED me care for her since my dad passed. He was on dialysis, blind with one leg. She was so mean to him. I'm 66 years old waiting on her hand and foot, cleaning poop, emptying pot, changing sheets, cooking and listening to the griping. Nothing ever suits her. I'm always wrong. She won't allow home health. I have no one to help. My only brother has Alzheimer's. it's to the ER or doc every week. I never go anywhere. She is filthy on purpose so that I have to clean it up while she says she can't help it. I've come from an abused child to an abused old person.
Now I said all that to show you if you just allow her to do all this to you what your life will be. Put her in a home, tell your sisters if they don't like it then they need to come in and take over. DO NOT ALLOW them to ruin your life. One day you will wake up and you life will have passed you by and your selfish sisters will be living their lives. I don't know how old your mom is but check with Medicaid to see what she qualifies for. Take your life back. At least you have a job to go to to take you away for a while. Don't end up where it is 24 hours a day. If she can be alone while you work, she can be alone for you to live your life.

I have experienced everything you are talking about with the sisters. I had to cut off all ties with them because they are all toxic and everyday was a struggle trying to keep up with their gossip and criticism while I was caring for my 93 year old mom that I brought into my home to care for. It was not who I was and they try to get you caught up with all of their insanity. Thank god I was not like them. A lot of it is jealousy on their part emotionaly and financially. They even sent me letters from lawyers demanding an accounting of all assets while I was so busy taking care of my mothers needs. When they did that it showed me who they are and it revolved around money. Everything they are doing to you it's a lesson to be learned on our part which made me into a better person. Just remember you will be blamed for everything you are doing even though you are the one caring for your mom so do what's best for you. I am in the process with turning all my moms money over to a nursing home to care for her because it wore me down after a year and a half caring for my mom (alone) it's the best thing for everyone. I also tried live in aids and full time aides but still got all the crap from siblings. I will never have a relationship with my sibling again. They woke me up. Hope this helped you. Ps. I never wanted to put my mom in a home but the circumstances would have made me sick.