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I have only lived with mom for six months and I am already regretting my decision to do this. I have two sisters; one that lives in NY so she has a built in excuse, the other is local but does not help at all. She will visit mom for an hour or so most Fridays (I work full time during the day) but when I asked if she could change the visit time last week to Thursday night so I could attend a friend’s birthday party (it would be the first time I have done anything other than work and go home), she told me it was a work night for her and she was allergic to the smoke in the house. So, my sisters are no help-emotionally or financially.
In fact when I couldn’t manage to move to mom’s overnight (which people actually expected me to do so “she wouldn’t be alone”) I called my NY sister who was staying with mom thru the funeral and asked if she could delay her trip home for one week while I moved. Her reply was she hadn’t planned that and she didn’t have the right shoes... so she went home. No one offered to help me move or even asked how I felt, all I heard was they were so glad that they didn’t have to worry about mom anymore.
When I moved in my local sister had canceled my mom’s newspaper. Her and her husband had decided that mom couldn’t afford it. Mom said she was crushed, that she loved the paper so my son paid for her to get it back. I have fought for everything that meant something to mom. My sisters are all about the money, and have told both mom and me that if she runs out of money she will have to go into a state run facility or be homeless. They wouldn’t help financially. So although I have less money than the other two, I pay rent, I pay for anything that is just mine or my dogs and I pay half of everything else. I have less money now than I had when I lived on my own because I thought Mom needed me to do that so she wouldn’t see her money decline fast and it worry her. I took on the fight for mom and in the meantime I became the villain in the family. That was fine because I felt mom needed a person to fight for her.
Now I realize that Mom is not who I want her to be. She left me and my sisters when I was three years old. I never held that against her because I don’t know the whole story and we all have regrets so in my mind my mom was a wonderful person that truly loved me. What I heard this past Friday night made me realize that my family is toxic, all of them. How could I have allowed myself not to see that and make this move where now I am truly miserable?
Last Friday night I overheard a phone conversation my mom had with my local sister. I was shocked to hear mom tell out and out lies on me. She said things like I leave her alone all the time, that it’s all about me and what I want-that one almost sent me into a heart attack. It’s all been about mom, all of it, I have given everything I have (literally I had to give or throw away all my possession because I was told anything I brought with me had to be stored in my bedroom )and done everything I know to do and to hear that, I just really couldn’t handle it. My heart broke.
After she hung up I went upstairs with my knees just shaking and I confronted her. She called me paranoid and told me that her or my sisters haven’t done a thing to me, it’s all in my head. I felt so crushed. So I told her it’s not paranoid when you hear it and I repeated back to her some of the things I heard. She immediately said things like “I wish I could just die” and “this is going to kill me ”. Finally, I told her that it was fine, that I was ok, that it doesn’t matter…but it does. There is no talking to her because she acts like her “nerves” are shot and will reach for the anxiety medicine if I confront anything. She actually told me one night when I had just taken a shower and my hair was wet that if I didn’t go to McDonalds and get her what she wanted that she would tell my sisters. She said it kidding, but now I’m not sure she doesn’t tell them all kinds of lies. I believe now she has played us against each other, that she loves drama and she has always had my pop to complain about, and now I think I have taken his place and I will continue to be criticized no matter what I do.
I feel like I have no family, like I’m the villain and I am the one that is giving up everything. I don’t understand how this has happened to me. I have never done anything with less selfish motives; I have never given my life over to anyone the way I have to her. I wait on her hand and foot and don’t mind. I clean up her bowel movements all over the place and never complain. I rush home from work and cook dinner and do dishes and do everything else all the while trying to keep her company. I’m doing all I can do.
If I move out I m not sure what will happen to Mom. She can’t live alone, she’s sick too much and she has never had to take care of herself and I don’t think she can. I really hate my life and I don’t see it changing if I stay. I am venting…..

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To daughterofmom, OMG, it's like you and I are the same person. Please listen to everyone's advice on this. I know exactly how you feel. In my case, I moved in with my mom because she suddenly decided to buy a home clear across the country with the money she got from my Grandmother's estates when Gram passed away from Alzheimer's (she says there was a will, and it's all hers, since Gram didn't like me anymore, (huh?!) but gets furious when I ask to see a copy of it) to live close to my brother. I am disabled and poor, and (stupidly) just couldn't bear the thought of being alone in NYC with no family. SSD isn't exactly a fortune, unless you were making a fabulous salary when you got on it. As a Parks Dep't. office worker, only 22 years old, I didn't exactly qualify. I didn't realize that moving in with her meant I would become my mother's sole caretaker, but that is what I have become. So much for my brother helping out. He hides behind his children, says he can't find time to be around for her, let alone for me. She is physically in good (not perfect, but pretty darn GOOD) condition for her age, and really shouldn't need so much help, but mentally, she is an abuser, who has taken to hitting, scratching, and throwing me around the house. I believe she may be developing Alzheimer's as well, which of course is making her more abusive than ever. My brother only comes here for very short visits, (a half an hour at most) when she complains that there's something I REFUSE (yeah, right, because I'm so mean!) to do for her, that she can't do for herself, like changing the fridge filter. He lives about an hour away from us, driving, and his mother-in-law lives literally around the corner from us; yet he seems to have no shortage of time at all to go THERE, which is where he was this last time she called about the fridge filter! Of course, my disability (fibromyalgia, arthritis, chronic muscle spasms, and other painful conditions) isn't real, because I'm not in a wheelchair or anything. The opinion of countless doctors and a Judge means nothing, I guess. Even then, he only comes because he knows I am angry at him and don't want him here. He talks to her every night, though, so it's not like he doesn't know what's going on with mom. I LOVE those conversations. My mother doesn't think I hear, but I do. Girl, if you try to be polite and give your mother privacy, take my advice--DON'T. Forewarned is forearmed. Listen whenever you can; sneak it if you have to, no matter HOW dirty it makes you feel, and it will, because YOU are normal. THEY may not be. I discovered this quite by accident, when my mother pretended to go to the bathroom, being all the while in there with a cellphone! In my stocking feet (which must have been quite silent), I came close to the bathroom door to pet my cat, and heard an earful of very destructive, manipulative lies! I realized she must have been doing this right along! If you find that things are that bad, LEAVE, by all means. Whenever I confronted her about the lies she tells, she would tell me I am paranoid. Because I was once (voluntarily!) hospitalized for depression, her theory is that I am just, you know, KWAZY! I was depressed, (who wouldn't be!) not PSYCHOTIC. DON'T LET THEM DO IT TO YOU, LOVE, YOU ARE NOT PARANOID. My brother inserted himself into my relationship with my father, even after I BEGGED him NOT to become my father's mouthpiece, and that Dad should speak to me himself. Why doesn't Dad like to speak to me? I believe it has to do with my mother's evil manipulations, and good old-fashioned guilt, for abandoning me when I needed help. He also lived in NYC, very close to me, and lit out for Illinois practically as soon as I became disabled. It's so much easier to blame the person you've wronged, than to admit your own selfishness. Also, they work their anger at each other out on me, so I know what you're going through. Still, big bro' stuck his big nose in my business, and when my father's mom died, took charge of the money I was supposed to receive, depositing it into his own bank account. When I confronted him about this, he said he did it because he knew I needed money, and he was worried my Dad might not give it to me. (Please note: my father is not even his blood father, although he raised him. He's not even RELATED to my dad, and never respected him enough to even CALL him DAD. Somehow, this makes it even worse.) It was only two grand (again, I have no way of verifying that, but I accepted it and was darn grateful for it, too), but he took a hundred dollars of it, supposedly to pay for private school for one of my nephews. All he needed to do was ask me if he could borrow it. I would never have even made him pay it back. He's my brother, and that's my nephew. But that would have meant showing respect for me as a human being. He didn't even bother telling me (what I don't know won't hurt me, right?) but I had already been apprised of the amount by my father (perhaps HE was worried I might never receive it!) My brother never expected me to try to bury the hatchet and call him, I guess. I noticed the discrepancy right away, because it was a check from my brother's bank! Had it been cash, I might never have noticed. When I asked my brother where that hundred dollars was, he hung up on me without saying a word. It was mom who told me about his kid's private school. Is that even true? I'll never know. I'm sure that my mother tells everyone of my situation, and makes it sound as if I am some crazy, lazy loser sponging off of her. Just like you, I pay not only ALL of MY expenses, but much more than my half for every other expense in the house. I also have to pay for countless necessary household items that she either doesn't have, or that were so filthy and decrepit, they had to be thrown away. I don't actually pay rent, but since coming here, I actually have far LESS money than ever did when I was. I have offered to pay rent, but my mom said no, she couldn't ask me for rent. Huh?! After her bathroom conversation, I realized it was so there would be no record of me paying rent. She could tell friends, family, and worse, authority figures if she feels like it, how much she is doing for me, and little she's getting in return. When I tried to explain to her that I couldn't clean the entire house all by myself, she replied nastily that she doesn't have to clean, because she's old. Please note that I am 45, no young thing myself. When I suggested she hire a part-time housekeeper, she said she "didn't have money for that." That leaves only one solution. Me. So I am now doing all the housework (as best as I can, anyway) which leaves me in agony all the time. How do I explain this to my pain doctor, who wants to know why nothing he's doing is helping? Also, she makes me support her physically wherever we go, open doors, bend to pick up things she drops, (on purpose?), carry heavy packages, etcetera. I can hardly refuse an old lady in public, since no one can see anything wrong with me. After shopping for food, she makes me unpack food, when I really need to rest after pushing heavy carts around, etcetera, by simply going in her room and staying there. If anything needs doing, she will ignore it. When it gets to the point where one of us must do it, if I can not, she becomes loud and bullying, and it ends with her threatening to kick me out. If she finally DOES do something, she makes a big production out of it, so she can guilt (or maybe just annoy) me to death. And the worst thing is, it APPEARS to everyone else that she's taking care of me, when, in fact, I have become her caretaker. Someone with Alzheimer's surely couldn't manage all this nonsense, could they? Am I once again making excuses for her? ANYWAY, my point (FINALLY, RIGHT?) with this sob-story is that you must BELIEVE your instincts when they tell you your family is toxic, and doing you wrong. It's messed up, and it hurts, but just know you aren't alone, and you deserve better. If any of this long litany of mine sounds familiar to you, get out now, before you really DO go insane! I simply can't afford to, and I don't know what I am going to do. You deserve to live your life on your terms, and to be with people who treat you right.
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how can you be alone?
misery loves company :-) W
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Debby1. I'm still here because I've exausted every avenue of trying to put her somewhere. She has my father's retirement...he was a jewel...and it's over the thresh hold of qualifying for any help. She can't afford any in home help and she runs home health and aids off. People in my family won't help because they can't stand her. I would never ever hit her or abuse her in any way. I was terrified when my daughter was born because of the statistics of abused kids becoming ABUSERS. I love my daughter and grandsons so much that I can't imagine hurting them in any way. My daughter worries constantly about me and I hardly tell her about my days, even though she saw everything I was going through.

I can't get out because how do you walk off and leave a 90 year old that no one else will help? I should have walked away when my dad died, but I made him a promise that I've kept. I saddled this horse and now I have to ride it. But there's no where to put her. Besides that she informs everyone she will never go to a nursing home. It's really hopeless. I just pray every day that when she's gone that I won't be too old to have a few days of peace. I thought I was alone until I read all the other comments about people going through similar things. I thought she was the only monster in earth. ;-(
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parent not abusive and a whole team helping you
wanna trade places? :-) W
anyway, Im outa here for tonite
IDK a lot of you seem to have soft hearts
I feel like I(m made of concrete, or stone, or something like that
Can't really get emotionally connected to my parents anymore
Only tough thing about caregiving is the physical wear and tear
anyway, back to watching internet porn, I guess...........................nite all :-) Wayne
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"Making this decision was the hardest and most heart-wrenching one I have ever had to make. However in my heart I know it's the right one." jomamma, I applaud your courage! That takes a lot of intestinal fortitude and I admire you for knowing what was right for you and doing it.
My situation is not like the ones on this thread - my Dad is not abusive and I have a whole team of people helping me as much as they can. The 'jail' aspect is hard to take sometimes, but the right decision for me has been to keep Dad at home with me. Good luck/God bless you jomamma!
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if worse comes to worse you can always take her outside and shoot her
why do I keep saying that? IDK :-) W
anyway, I'm going to the Summit, they have assisted living, independent living, nursing home its all in one big complex Its a mother's day thingy this Friday I doubt if we can afford to live there
why do you care for someone who abuses you?
i should be askin g myself the same question
its tapered off a bit now
i once couldn't find something in the fridge and was called a "shithead" for it
I've developed a thick skin become very hardened person
dont get me wrong, I do a lot of good for the community I'm very charitable and giving
but thius caregiving just hardens you
to me, all you gals seem soft crfying @ a drop of a hat for some
IDK, maybe for me, I DO need to get laid.....................just random thoughts and musings.......................as Giulda Radner would say on SNL..............."never mind" :-) LOL W
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Silver the question everyone wants to know is, "Why are you still there?"

Be very careful Silver. The people who "snap" and beat old people up are often the one's that were beaten as a child.

You should get one of those hidden video cameras and film the old witch in action.
Then send it into America's Funniest Home Videos and see if you can make in any money. Can you sue your parent(s) for abuse?
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I think I need to go file my nails :-) LOL W
You know, I once knew a gal who was so frigid that
every time she opened her mouth a little light went on

Why am I tell you guys this? IDK Later :-) W
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my parents dont care if i drop dead from doing this shit! you know, doing thiis for as long as I have, it has really hardened me as a person :-) Wayne Heck, Im even too tired to have sex And besides, knowing me, if I was having intimacy, I would probably be the one grabbing the remote! :-) LOL W
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My Mom past away in November. I have had my Dad living with us for 5 months with dementia and short term memory loss. I am going to put him in an assisted living facility this Saturday. My husband and I have lost 5 months of our lives. My brother has done nothing to help us. Making this decision was the hardest and most heart-wrenching one I have ever had to make. However in my heart I know it's the right one. As a parent you want your children to be happy. I wouldn't want my child to have to be a caregiver for an unknown amount of time.
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daughterofmom, boy do I know exactly what you're talking about. the good thing is that your Mom is still in her own house,. My advice - get the hell out! Mine is in MY house and then that makes it way harder to get her out. I don't even like my Mom. Monday, the home health nurse (psych) came and I left them alone. I know this is not nice, but I eavesdropped and heard the same hurtful, spiteful, mean things about me that Mom said about me to the nurse. I was livid. I'm in the process of trying SO hard to find a place for her to do, but she can't afford AL even with the VA, but she has too much income and too much savings for Medicaid. I just found out that Va will pay for home care up to a certain amount and I will be doing that. I lost a lot of "caring" after I heard that conversation on Monday. I leave her alone everyday for a time. She is resentful when I get home, and I no longer care. I've been doing this for a couple of weeks even before I overheard the conversation. One day, she made her own lunch and was looking through a box of old pictures and was actually cheerful. Other times she "punishes" me but being a grouchy b*****. I have learned to laugh at it, actually. She is the "queen" and I guess her family has allowed her to be all her life. She is 91, and if everything doesn't revolve around her, she is unhappy - which is most of the time because I've had it. She fits the narcissistic personality profile to a tee, with histrionics thrown in for good measure. I've even read about Adult Children of Narcissists, and now I know what is wrong with me. LOL.

My advice is MOVE OUT asap.
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Wow, sounds like you need to find another place to live, for your own peace of mind. Call a family meeting and let everyone know you will be looking for another place to live and that this arrangement isn't working out for either you or your mother. (If your sisters don't come to the family meeting, then write them both a letter to let them know this isn't working out and you can no longer deal with the situation.)

Tell your sisters that it is their turn to deal with this. If they refuse, then there are State agencies out there that can help in placing your mother in a safe living situation.
Even though it didn't work out, you have done all you could to try and make this work, so you shouldn't feel guilty about anything.
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@Jeanne. I didn't go because I tried to help my dad who really was an invalid. After I left my job after 35 years I just got stuck. Even though she is a hypochondriac, she now has heart problems. After years of crying wolf, no one believed her. She also had surgery from blocked bowels. She is obsessed with her bowels so no one believed her unti she started throwing up green bile. Even the doctors don't believe her, but have to do everything because if her age. After my dad died I tried to do the right thing by staying to take care of her. Not one person will do anything. Grandkids can't stand her. My only sibling has Alzheimer's. I'm stuck. I called every nursing home and they told me that they cannot force her to stay if she refuses. Even in the hospital she curses the nurses and threatens to pull IV's out and leave AMA. She's just a mean person. I gave up my life and now I'm old taking care if her and its too late for me. That's why I said get out now. I've read some post where they say that the old person can't do what they used to do so they are just afraid and are taking it out in you. Or cherish them and you won't regret it when they are gone. Believe me that sounds good, but not all old people are taking it out on their caregiver because they are afraid. There are elderly that are just mean because they have always been mean. My mom talks about how much she loves The Lord and lies on people the next breath. Believe me they are not all difficult because they are afraid.
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AL or NH might be too expensive for some people. We have in-home health care. It might be cheaper for me, anyway, if instead of moving mom from an AL to a NH, if we just moved her from Texas to Louisiana! :-) LOL Just a thought :-) W . I know Im getting silly lately in these posts but what the heck, right? You know, I never fired an AK-47, I wonder how that would be. :-) LOL Im going to try to get her to stand up off the bed today. This is turning into quite a circus ard her and I m the clown. :-) W
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There's a lot of advice here from people who know. Please take care of yourself by finding assisted living or some other arrangement for your mom and getting yourself out of this mess. You can't keep it up for good reason. Accept no guilt and move on. You could start with in-home care by an agency while you look for assisted living.
Good luck,
Carol
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Silver, why aren't you going?
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Styr dont know why I keep spelling it Stry
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oops should be Stry that gun has a laser on top cool, huh? :-) Wayne I need some target practice :-) wayne
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I've got a Stry and a sig sauer the magazines are fully loaded just hope I don't miss :-) LOL Wayne
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Silver , you can always take her out back and shoot her just a thought :-) Wayne
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Silver, may I recommend an Exorcism?
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Well I said get out now. Wish someone had told me that 17 years ago. Today is an average day for me. My mom is 90. Won't allow anyone to come help me. She runs any home health off. Her mind is perfectly normal. Memory is fantastic. Today I had to listen to her tell me how much she hates me and endure her hitting on me. She throws everything on the floor and has fits of rage if I say anything. And no she's not afraid. She's not afraid of Satan. She's just mean and always has been. She won't allow any help. I have been doing it for so long. They hate her at the hospital and all the doctors and nurses dislike her. I endured beatings as a child. Hair pulled out, head beat into door facings and kicked when I fell down. Then told if it wasn't for me she could have done this or that. I was petrified of her. So was my dad. She was diagnosed with Narcissistic disorder and other stuff I can't even pronounce. She is a hypochondriac so my days are filled with all her nonexistent illnesses.

This is why I tell you to go. Go as quickly as you can.
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she did demonstrate on me i mean, its so damn easy she is afraid its a mental block shes making something so easy so difficult PT is going to wait a little longer until the antri-anxiety meds take effect she needs a psychiatrist and a nursing home i understand either medicare or medicaid pays for nursing home IDK i really hate it when the PT comes here Its always the same scenario she acts like a cat thats afraid of water I'm going to try to get her to stand up out of bed tomorrow hey, wish me luck I mean, this is so exasperating :-) wayne Any more suggestions would be greatly appreciated thanks :-) wayne Having the PT come here from home health care is the thing I dread the most absolutely no productivity whatsoever :-) W she is physically able to stand up she just WON'T :-) Wayne
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The physical therapist is trained to deal with this. He or she should be able to handle this without worry to you. I would leave the general vicinity to minimize your own stress. Your perception of her stress is worse than her distorted perception of it.
It is what it is--I hate that trite saying, but sometimes it fits. xo
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Well, I might go out into the woods, but I'd go alone and commune with nature and with God's creation! Do you think she is afraid? Does the PT-ist explain what he/she is doing and why? Maybe he/she could demonstrate on you first??? I don't know...just some random thoughts....
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well, we just had the PT here
when she was strapped with the belt to stand up she put up such a fuss
this happens every time with the home health PT
this is getting so tiresome
she has such a mental block
what does anyone here suggest I do?
besides taking her out to the woods behind the house and shooting her, that is :-) LOL W
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Mu husband argues with me whenever I try, gently, calmly, to get him to shower. In fact again today he INSISTED very vehemently that he showered yesterday morning. I just said OK. It was Saturday since he showered. It just is too discouraging to try and explain. I wish there were some way to keep track, but he won't even believe it when I note it on a calendar so I don't know what to do.
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I feel like I understand your "situation" except that for me, there are no siblings, and it is several years later of full time care-giving, but long distance, managing my relative's needs when no one else is considered "next of kin". Emotionally, mentally - this will bankrupt you to stay. It will likely hurt your financially as well. You may feel like you are being test to the max spiritually for just "what ARE the family obligations society puts on the family member?" If I had this to do all over again, I probably wouldn't, but I know more now, than I knew several years ago.

Care - there are "continuous care housing complexes". From independent living to the extreme hospice care, somewhere in the spectrum will suit your Mom. On the low end, look for a place that only wants 30% of her monthly gross income (income either from Social Security or pension, etc. is still income). Other places may be low-income housing with rent control. If she goes into independent living, the complex may allow the deposit to be split over several or more months.

To help with finances -- if your Dad was a Vet and she earned less, apply for a "top up" for her from his VA benefits. She may get this processed inside 30 days from the VA. Some other benefits may also be available to her as a widow of a Vet.

HEAP - check with your local government office - call your gas and electric utility provider. This will lower her utility bill. There are other government discount programs and base level service discounts.

COUNCIL ON AGING - Cal them. They will know of more programs for her.

HABITAT FOR HUMANITY - If the house needs any repairs, check with your local office and see if HH will do repairs for free, or a 0% loan.

REVERSE MORTGAGE - While this "can" help pull out equity from the house so your Mom has it available to spend , be aware up front load fee can be around $8000, or more. Home has to meet FHA/ HUD safety standards - or repairs have to be less than 15% of appraised value. "Repair set aside" is 150% of the total quote for repairs. It's paid from closing. (I'm not an expert. You can ask Council on Aging for a counseling appointment. There is a list on the HUD website for who is under contract for doing counseling. Some offer grants and do not charge fees - others charge up to $125. We just went through this exercise.)

Meals on Wheels may help keep her food costs down. So will food stamps if she qualifies.

Get a social worker to step in and independently evaluate her needs. It may also help you to have an "out" so the "decisions of how to help your Mom" are made by a neutral third party.

Hope this helps.

You have a lot of support here. Seems many of us are going through a similar experience and our hours of despair as caregivers.

Good luck!
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You say you're venting, but you're explaining and we're listening.

My first thought in regards to the idea of you finding assisted living or in-home care is "you are damned if you do, damned if you don't". I don't see a win for you because, given their behaviors, your sisters/mom could find fault in all of your decisions and continue to manipulate you and time will just keep ticking away. Let your sisters figure it out since they are talking to your mom. She'll be ok. Know that and be strong.

I join the others in giving you 'permission' to move out. Listen to your heart and take care of yourself.
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Omg. The 3 digit numbers scare the heck out of me:(((
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