Just reading the question in the forum about the CG who's MIL said "I hope you know how much I appreciate what you do for me", and it dawned on me that a comment like that really irritates me (as I said on that post).
Another phrase: "I don't know what I would do without you." (Variation: I don't know what so-and-so would do without you). It took me a while to understand why that particular phrase just pisses me off. And then it dawned on me: I know the place from which it's said, but really? So it has never even occurred to you that there might come a day when I can't or won't be your caregiver anymore, for whatever reason? It hasn't even crossed your mind that one day I might not be around to do it? No idea of a back-up plan? So really, you're just taking for granted that I will be your caregiver until such a time that you pass away?
Again, I get where the statement is coming from, but it sets my teeth on edge every time I hear it.
What about the rest of you? Any phrases that make you want to throw something breakable against the wall in irritation?
Me: Mom, I'm 55, my bones don't get along with my muscles, so your gonna hear noise!
She apologises.
That's ok, I just want to get stuff done without being self conscious.
Again... this hasn't stopped her at all. She knows how it irritates me. She is even hard of hearing, but she hears me. My brother in law comes down periodically, to stay so she isn't alone. He hears me talking to his brother, and gets a laugh.😊
My father in law passed in 2012. AND she talks to him often.
I just don't want to hear "Are you gonna be alright"??? 🥴
Yes I was treated like a freeloader when I didn't want to move in with her but I was guilted by her to do it and she talked to people like I didn't do anything. I would mow, work on the garden, clean, make up her bed, cook and worked full time. She didn't want me to stop working but wanted to slave drive me when I got off. My least favorite phrase is if I didn't do it all the way she would get up and try and wo8end up falling herself and it would be my fault
And from the responses, it seems I'm not alone.
But thanks for that great advice to " get out of caregiving." That's awesome. Why didn't I think of that?
my advice to you is “ Get over it!” or get out of ‘care giving’.
If that's "Lucky ", I'm screwed!
I want to add that I have always believed that children are supposed to grow up and have lives of their own. If I ever find myself in a tough spot, yes , I hope my kids will help me, but I don't expect it nor will I demand it!
To rewrite a comic line from a sitcom, "Your uterus is not your 401k"!
Now, I hate "your such a good daughter." They've never even seen my 92 year old dad. How do they know? I could be beating on him and putting knock out drops in his orange juice, for all they know. So, I just try to refrain from saying meaningless, polite things to anybody else.
I had the next best thing twice, once after an operation and once after a long-haul flight. Both times I was exhausted and dizzy. I looked in a mirror, and my mother looked back at me. I actually said ‘Hello Mum’. The flesh was less resilient, and I have my mother’s face bones.
Try not to see it as ‘You ought be enjoying every minute of this’, there are other ways to respond.
"You are lucky to have her, I wish I still had my mom /or grandmother. She should be spoiled" I always hope that you wouldn't have to deal with a manipulative family member. My mom/granny is a whole different person then yours.
"You don't have a real job" I have a teaching business that I do over video conferencing. You don't know what I do everyday. Just to name a couple.
Unless you murdered someone, give it up.
Number two: Anything to do with warring siblings.
It makes me just cringe for the elders they try to split in half.
Those two subjects are like waving a red cape before me. I go mad.
I don't bring my mother up unless someone asks. Most people don't really care, and I suppose they're being polite - but really they are just glad they don't have to do it. My mother did little to help her own parents as they aged - there was always an excuse, she was working, they lived too far (same city); her brothers could do it, they had more "free" time, the usual excuses. When it came time for my grandpa to move out of his home (my grandmother had been gone many years), he moved in with my uncle as my mom said no. She wouldn't even take turns. I read the comments on this forum and see there are others just like me!
Or the MD who said when looking for help I should consider MY goals.
The latter isn't quite so bad, as most of them are not aware that she has dementia. I just give a brief description and let it go.
But, those who tell me to be glad? For what? She's living at least 40 years ago, repeats herself constantly, her hearing is really bad and they don't generally give her the hearing aid because she keeps taking it out (they lost a brand new one, likely because of that.) She stopped standing and walking many months ago, has bed wetting episodes... what's to be glad about?
I hope I never have to go down that path myself. I have told my kids to just be sure I'm in a place like hers and don't visit unless you REALLY want to. This person is NOT my mother, not in the real sense. There are glimmers of her, but very little.
Don't get me wrong I am so thankful I was able to help my mom take care of my dad six days a week and I'm also, thankful that now I'm helping take care of my mom (I did take care of my mom for 10 years by going back and forth from my home to hers until I had no other choice but to place her in a facility because I could no longer provide her with adequate care). I'm just strictly talking about the comparison between the two - my husband is actually the one who said it to me. We are taking care of someone who progressively gets worse and requires more care, while a child is someone (unless they have a medical problem) who progressively gets better (more independent) who requires less care. So it's "dependency" vs. "independence". For my husband and I, we both had parents who were forty years older than us when we were born - so they were born in the mid-1920's. The irony is my mom and dad did not take care of their parents when they grew old and my husband's mother did not take care of hers because she wasn't capable due to never really quite growing up herself. My husband and his older sister placed their grandmother in a facility and did all the visiting etc. and my husband was the one who found her when she passed away without anyone's knowledge. His dad had lost his own dad when he was 12 and not sure about his dad's mother. The attitude we noticed from his parents was they felt we "owed" it to them coming from the same statement I mentioned at the beginning. They just thought this is how it should be.
AMEN, AMEN AMEN!!!
My mom had spent time in a rehab facility (twice). And while it's a respite - of sorts - there's still things I had to do every day. And she didn't even have any doctor appointments or anything like that during the stay.
I told my sister that mom going into a facility doesn't make me free as a bird. I would still have to be available to do a myriad of things, not to mention trying to fit visits in at least a few times a week. My sister honestly thought that there was a full medical staff at the nursing home. I told her no, she would still have to be brought back and forth to doctors, appointment, etc. On one hand it might get easier; on the other hand, it becomes more complex, having to work in extra travel time, extra errands, fielding phone calls, running errands etc.
I can see how, if you have a LO in a facility, the attitude of you not having to "do anything" would really make you angry.
**The one that use to get my dander up was "your parents took care of you when you were a child".
Ok, true statement..... BUT.... my 90+ year old parents weren't in their 60's when I was a child.**
Still does get my dander up, esp when I read it here! Thankfully this is the only place I have heard this - and have replied to it. No one has ever said it to me, lucky for them!
As you say, we and they were NOT in our 60s when raising children.
Babies are pretty small compared to adults.
Babies, therefore, can be picked up, carried and/or moved relatively easily.
Babies are relatively easy to bathe - at most they cry or splash.
Babies "output" can be mostly contained, mostly ;-)
Babies don't complain much about what we feed them or in general.
Babies cry some, but don't bitch at us and/or tell us what we're doing wrong.
Babies, as a bonus, become more and more self-sufficient as they grow.
Babies growing up require LESS work as we age, not so with elders.
As they grow up, there maybe more hair pulling, but certainly less work...
But, the hair pulling might be worse with elder care now that I think on it!
For those of you on this forum who spew this drivel, STOP IT! There is NO comparison between our parents raising and caring for us and us caring for aging parents. It is NOT comparable. Nice sentiment maybe, but that's about it. IF it is what works for you, great, but stop telling others what they should be doing!
"People think because a parent is in a facility you don’t do anything."
Not just 'people' in general, family does this too!
I have been managing everything for mom both before and after the move to MC, and ever since, but for about 1 3/4 years I also spent many days/week working on her condo so we could sell it (about 3 hour round trip, to clean, fix, find repair people, clear out her ton of clothes and stuff, contact services to ensure clean cut off after sale, work with realtor, etc.)
When I told OB it was all too much (he came up a few times to do some stuff, but NOT that much! YB did even less.), his response was to yell "give it up!" at me. Annnnnd do what? No suggestion for how to manage, no offer to take up some of the slack. What a jerk.
YB's attitude is like you describe other people. He actually told me outright that the facility 'takes care of everything.' Surrrre they do....
Then there are the visits... oh, wait, what visits? OB likely wouldn't even if he did live locally. YB came to some "special" dinners, after I pinged him MANY times. I got tired of wasting my time on that and stopped asking. The only reason I maintain contact now/still is he has to take her to a med appt 4x/year, and tries to get out of it, complains about it, etc. Imagine if this poor baby had to take over what I currently do? Nothing would get done, payments would be late, etc. GAK!
And from the comments I'm reading, I would say a lot of people have the same kind of feelings that I do.
For those who have added comments that make them cringe, I appreciate the empathy. So thank you and please feel free to continue adding as you see fir.
Yeah, no.
Maybe sometimes as caregivers we just need to be grateful for what little praise we get.
I completely understand where you're coming from.
I am in the unique position of caring for two different women.
I became my Aunts caregiver last October. It was never even on my radar, but it just is now.
Even with Alzheimer's, she expresses her thanks and gratitude for what I do. I am most grateful for this!!
I became responsible for my mother this last February. Polar opposite!! My Mom is a clinical narcissist. Nothing I do or say is good enough.
I feel like as caregivers, we give of ourselves because it's what we feel is right. After all, we have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror!
Please try to be Thankful for any praise that comes your way. It maybe far and few between. You're amazing for caring!! Never forget that!
If I had to choose one annoying phrase it is "God doesn't place any more on your shoulders than you can handle. "
Although I am a woman of faith and I know the words are meant to comfort me, right now it totally strikes every nerve in my body!!
Hang in there!