The worst part is that it never ends.

Hi folks,
I don't think that taking care of an elder is like taking care of a child and I firmly believe they deserve our respect ( ummm, not that I don't think we should be able to come on here and let our feelings rip-that is different-we need to vent) I mean I try not to belittle my Mom with child like platitudes. BUT-I have to say- not all Moms are raising a child that will someday grow into an independent adult. My daughter has special needs and will, most likely, need me to help care for her throughout her whole life-or some adult at least. She has metal retardation from a syndrome called Rubenstein-Taybi. So while many of you may think how hard it is to take care of an aging adult ( and it is!) but not as hard as taking care of a child just , please, remember there are us Mom and Dads out here who take care of our children knowing that that same child will not some day go off to college, get married and become a parent themselves. Some of us take care of our child with the simple hope and prayer that that child lives a full life, free of the health problems that worry us so.

My gosh I am so glad I found this site. I thought I was the only one who was loosing there mind. Long story short. Husband has Alzheimers along with end stage renal disease. We were going to divorce about 14 years ago but then he had a heart attack and I decided it was my duty to care for him. Now all of this. To make matters worse my daughter said she heard him on the phone last week talking to a old girlfriend of 40 years ago and asking her "where did they go wrong" and here I am the one changing his diaper. His family wants nothing to do with helping. So its me and I can't go on much longer. I have truly lost my identity.

You're right it never will end will it.....

Please remember - EVERYTHING IS IMPERMANENT!!! It WILL come to an end, and that could be tomorrow. I care for mom with dementia and can definitely relate to the frustrations, but please don't increase your suffering by projecting your imagination into the future regarding duration and further decline. Living in the present moment is the best tool to cope with unpleasant circumstances and avoid getting caught up in fear based in fantasy. As Mark Twain said "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened".
Blessings to all.

You all echo my sentiments. She's my mother-on-law. I don't like her. She never like me, but she's now my charge. I finally put her in diapers and a 30x30 pad sometimes won't keep the sheets and blankets from getting soiled. I have a wash going all the time. Lots of laundry soap and bleach!

When her doctor said take her to the ER for the diarrhea and confusion two weeks ago, he said would admit her to the Behavioral Unit from there to work on her "confusion", they admitted her for chronic diarrhea instead, called in a GI specialist for 1 stinking consultation. They kept her 4 days, didn't put her in the Behavioral Unit, didn't treat her diarrhea, and sent her home with no treatment. Absolutely no treatment whatsoever. I just got 4 days off. What a relief that was, though. But, she can't get to a potty any longer, has no control of her bowels, and I'm changing her like a baby now. Like Deefer12's Mom, although my MIL is now 93 and has diabetes, CHF, cardiomyopathy, HBP, high cholesterol and a couple of other crappy things, she appears to be in excellent health. My doctor told me she would have died over two years ago were it not for the good care we were giving her here at home. I think I told that before. How can I not? still can't bring myself to give here real syrup or sugared drinks, etc.

I honestly believe she will outlive me. One of her siblings said early on "Jan, this will make or break your marriage. It will either bring you closer together or it will drive you apart." Well, my friends, it's driving full speed now. If she doesn't pass pretty soon, I can't take it much longer. I've told him that , but those words fall on deaf ears. I've given leaving so much thought, but leaving is such a difficult thing when this is my home, too. Who will take care of the animals? They're all geriatric and he might as well shoot them all. I love the all like children. Even my goats. Nobody would take them to care for. I can't afford to pay rent on my own and still pay utilities and buy food and medicine.The thing is, I really don't want to leave my home. I just don't want her in it any longer. I don't want her to die in it. If she does, I want that room closed off and sealed shut forever.

I've spoken to the Area Agency for Aging who referred me to the Caregiver Support Group. I'm in a quandry and no matter who I talk to, no one knows the answer. They put me on a list for respite, but said I should understand it's a looong list.

Our son, who lives in her house and is actively looking for a job now, still hasn't found one. I don't think he could make it on his own anyway. I believe he will need support his entire life.

Her family keeps saying "we really appreciatae what you are doing for our sister, aunt, cousin, etc" but not one will lift a finger to help. Not one will contribute $.05 to help. I know you all experience the same thing. I want to tell them when they call that they are just saying empty words and I don't want to hear them.

OK, time to go clean her up. She called for potty duty and it's always after she has done her business in the bed. No big hurry anymore. At least it's a more relaxed atmosphere around here now. That's a plus.

Dunwoody,
Such a thought provoking insight you have. I often feel as if I am in a bus getting ready to go off a cliff, bit by bit.
The thing I miss the most is just being " myself ". It's as if I am someone else and the real me is lost. I have very, very little time to myself and the fatigue is awful.
We have hospice care, thank god. The chaplin tells me all the time that my rewards will be great, I am special, blah, blah,blah, But I just want to yell sometimes and scream " I just want this over with. I want my own life back".
And I pray everyday that it will be over soon.
My father-in-law is in his final stage of copd and it is the most awful thing I have ever encountered. My own mother passed away of lung cancer five years ago and it was never this frustrating. She never, ever complained about anything, other than feeling lonely sometimes. She was strong, inquisitive, independant and beautiful to the very end.
Watching my fil,all I see is a peterified man who is manipulative, bossy and never, ever sorry about anything. He orders me around like a waitress, very seldom says thank you and literally sucks the joy out of my life. The hardest thing is the big act he puts on for everyone else. I have also dealt with the guilt, because I do not like the man, but I love my husband and I have to be here for him. I am not rude or mean to him, but sometimes I say something sarcastic, because he has told me the weather 20 times that day already.
I thought taking care of him, would enable my husband and him, to mend the bridges of the past and really , finally develop a strong father-son relationship. Sadly, it has not. He also lied to us about his disease ( told us he had mesothelioma ), but has copd/emphysema. There is no way to tell how much more time she has, but the hospice people say soon. The only time I have had a break was when he was in the hospital last year and a respite with hospice, which I had to beg him to go for four days.
I am tired, angry and always in pain ( back, head and stomach ). It's all stress related. But, these two men never seem to notice or care that I need a break.
I know I do too much, but that's me.
I am sorry to ramble on, but this site does help.
Good luck.

Man, are you right about it never ending.. I get up at 4:30 and have about 4hours in the morning - IF Mom decides to sleep until 8:30 which isn't always the case. I cherish this and hae so much energy at this time of the day. Then, as soon as I hear Mom stirring I become exhausted. It changes on a dime. Mom is a real drain on me, but thanks for the music hint. I have been playing the piano when she gets pissy which is quite often and that takes me away to another world. Especially hymns and that calms me down plus she sems to be a little more pleasant or maybe it is jsut because I'm focused. I have to agree with you music is an antidote. I used to have a radio station on all day when I'm home but I dont' have it on when she's here. Maybe I should go back to having it on. She has only been her full time for three months and I want someone to shoot me. Kind of Lol, but kind of not.

The feelings are quite normal for what we as caregivers are doing, but remember why you do what you do? Do you do it because you want to? Why?

There is an end in time, but also do not allow yourself to be overwhelmed to where you will feel guilt in the end.

I made a valid choice to be a caregiver to aging my mom. I am not only dealing with Alzheimer's and she can barely get my name right, but my mom has a broken leg that isn't going to heal. So my mom not only is unable to walk but she has the Alzheimer's to boot. Outside of this my mom is healthy.

Caregiving is not an easy job and I wouldn't say it was, but I focus on using humor and looking at the positives over the negatives. Yes, I get negative for awhile and then I think back to why I do what I do, then I am back on track.

You know what makes me laugh and keeps me entertained is what happens to us in the bathroom. In fact, I am writing the stories down because so many bathrooms are not what I would call ADA compliant for a person in a wheelchair with a caregiver. We have had some the funniest adventures in the bathroom or revolved around going potty, that those are the stories that make me laugh and keep me focused.

As a child, my mom would carry a huge coffee can for us to go to the bathroom on the edge of the road because my dad hated to stop and go to the bathroom. One time we were on a road with very few gas stations and no rest stops. My mom had to go to the bathroom and she had just had a bladder infection, so we had to do something. So my husband and I pulled over to the edge of the road. He got her potty chair out, we put it by the wheel of the truck. He got a big blanket, we took her out of our truck and put her on the potty outside. We hid her with a blanket, she did her business and we loaded everything up to go on down the road. We all laughed about it! I sent my 3 sisters a text to share the story of how I got to pay mom back for making us use the coffee can when we were kids. My younger sister was the only one who enjoyed the story like I did.

These are the stories that make me laugh and deal with the humor of the situation. It is the humor and the fun of the stories that keeps me going. My mom laughs at everything now even when it really isn't funny, so I have learned to look at things and laugh with her.

This is my 2nd parent that I am losing in a harsh way. My dad's passing was a challenge as well. But I choose to look at what I am doing as a privilege and not as a big chore.

So I am not trying to belittle or anything like that regarding your feelings, but try to focus on why you are doing something. Dementia and Alzheimer's are horrible diseases that are unfair. As caregivers, we struggle with dealing with it, but what about your parent? How do you think your loved one is feeling inside? I always wonder what goes through my mom's head sometimes and I wonder if she realizes what is going on? And I know if she knew it would come to this she would not be happy with it. So while it is tough on us as the caregiver, it is also tough on the parent because I know my mom would prefer not to have this disease if it was her choice.

Funnierthan me, Look up Wellness Briefs online. They are inexpensive and keep Mom dry overnight, whereas every other product I tried left her wet up to her head!!! I was so tired of all the laundry! I bought washable bed pads, the bigger the better. Theses diapers along with an incontinence pad, largest and most absorbent you can get, as a extra precaution, should keep her and the bed dry. Now I only need to wash the sheets to refresh them. You have to buy them online, but they are on sale often and have free shipping a lot too!
As for Mil's diarrhea, how about celiac disease? It's very common in elderly people. Try giving her gluten free foods, nothing with wheat, and see if she gets better.
And yes, everyone is right, it NEVER ends, so try to make the best of it and play the piano, or knit like I do, or just stick your head out of a window and breathe in the fresh air! Try to do something for yourself to get away from the stress even for a tiny bit!

Oh yes, so many issues, and I imagine it is even more difficult when caring for a family member, with all the past and present family issues mixed in. I cared for a family member, big time, by taking responsibility for my youngest brother when I was 31 - he was born with brain injury, and had been excused from any responsibility all his life because no one at home realized that he needed extra time, reassurance, re-training and repetition to learn anything at all, so he never learned to pull his weight and had so much to learn. I also asked why does nobody help, why do the ever-changing professionals treat me in a rush when I try so hard, why do they think they need to teach me a lesson if I arrive late for a meeting, after my travelling 5 hours to get there. Caring for him for free, made me feel better about caring for elders for money, for at least I could feel my life was being stabilized by my work efforts. But I have a couple of ideas that I found along the way. I made it my job to pace myself, worked on a schedule that I could handle. Keeping that goal in mind was a priority. Sometimes you have to rush in, but I scheduled 32 hours a week for work, other time, I rested, took time away. One great thing about elder care, is that elders are not running around every minute, they move more slowly and like to take naps - and I learned to nap at the same time, and loved it. And I shifted my perspective, looking for tiny moments where we worked well together on any routine, and when I celebrated those, the fragile person was relieved - it doesn't make sense to only dream of what life will be like AFTER caregiving, for then the issues are also hard, just different: how do I organize myself and my energy to pursue the many interests, how do I share my own gains with others - I have come to see that any shared laughter, encouragement, focused attention, are life values in themselves, and we get them as caregivers. I love the story of the Mom now loving the rock music - sounds like an ammends - of course it doesn't erase pain from earlier years, but it can be seen as an effort to do so, and the efforts of the eldery to add a kindness is a value in this world.

So I learned to focus on doing my best, in any caregiving time - and that meant being real. I avoided energy drains outside of caregiving, and showed up. Sometimes I made myself tired by thinking I was expected to do it all: entertain as well as provide care - I learned that I don't always want to do that, and was thrilled to learned that when I stopped doing it, but stayed with the person, in silence, doing nothing - to my surprise, after a while, they spoke more gently, glad to have time with someone who was not trying fix everything, at every moment, but was willing to be there, present and open. One time, with my 106 year old lady who was declining, I was too tired to "chat" as she often liked, and sitting near her, I put my head down on the arm of her chair, and stayed there without saying a word. I was really tired. After 3-4 minutes, I felt her hand, patting the back of my head. She was not a demonstrative woman, but she recognized my state of being, and responded. When she dies, likely soon, it is a memory I treasure. So, I found it worked for me to consider caregiving a lifestyle, pay attention to my energy and make finding balance a priority, for I don't think anyone really feels good if they feel that someone is helping them and resenting it - yes in moments, but we are the ones who know what we need, and have to find ways to add more of that, and rest, and find relationship of new kinds, in the care. Easier to say, sorry, I mean no criticizm. I understand the resentments, for family issues bring up many. But considering that others in family wish at times they could help us, but we are all stuck in old patterns... it's hard to help ourselves, as I'm finding now with caregiving less.

This story describes my Mother, except that she was living in her own home. When she was finally taken to the hospital, they did a good job. She was there 2 weeks and then, moved to rehabilitation. That was easier than telling her that it was the nursing home.

I don't see how you do it. We had to detach with love. In our case, Mother is much better off with full time care.

Steve, I love reading your comments because you say what so many of us are thinking, but don't have the guts to say! I have been taking care of my 88 year-old mother who has vascular dementia (from a stroke 8 yrs. ago) since her stroke. She also has diabetes, swallowing problems, speech problems (that's an understatement!) and congestive heart failure. Some days I tell her she's going to outlive me and she gives me an evil little giggle. Most days I think I'm right! I retired early four years ago so that I could take care of her full-time instead of paying someone to do it! My husband is a sweetheart, a big ole teddy bear of a cop, and is willing to watch for me for a few days at a time so I can "get away." He just doesn't get it that that doesn't help at this point -- I still have to come back! Has anyone ever offered watching your mother for a few days so you could "get away" (and make it all better!) and if so did you have a clever answer that I could borrow?
CGDaughter (Marsha)

Every day I want to put a bullet in my head and leave my sister, who hasn't helped one bit,not one little bit despite desperate pleas, with this mess. The only thing stopping me is the thought of abandoning my poor husband. But even that is losing its pull.

It does end, but even after death there is a host of paperwork to take care of. I'm discovering the tax end of it can be a nightmare when completely unprepared for it. However, it does end. But I agree with Dunwoody, I need a drink after thinking about it.

Sometimes it just is what is and unbelievably after grief, you will thank God it is over.

arlington, it does get so frustrating. People that aren't in the position usually don't understand. If you feel like harming yourself, it is definitely time to take care of yourself and pull back. Other people can take the load for a while.

People who have never been a caregiver for a loved one who has dementia have absolutely NO CLUE. Many physicians don't get it either. As an aside, a helpful book on the subject is Loving Someone Who Has Dementia, by Pauline Boss. It made me feel a little better.

dunwoody, ive read your posts for a while now. you seem very genuine and focused. if it makes you feel better ive had a love / bicker relationship with a woman for three years. as my mom regresses with dementia the woman has backpaddled away from it although i told her i could use her help. im going to continue to fulfill my commitment to my mother and at this point im glad ive learned what this selfish woman was all about.. pretty much herself.. im 54, shes 63. guess which one of us will need the help of another first? i think youll be fine, follow your heart..

First of all, I was so glad to find this site and to read how so many others are in the same boat as I am. I am sole caregiver for my 78 year old dad who has dementia. His has been a very fast, aggressive type. 6 months ago he was taking care of his personal needs. Now he is in diapers and I have to pay a woman to bathe him once a week. I get NO help from my sister. I'm lucky if she visits for an hour every 3 months or so. I still have to work full time and my husband drives a truck and is away for a week at a time. I sometimes feel like a rat trapped in a cage. I can't go on overnights because no one else will change him and clean him up. I know it will end, when he is gone. I don't want to lose him yet because I lost my mother just 3 years ago. Physically, he is probably healthier than I am. My health is not so good now becasue I'm always tired from working full time then going home to work my other full time job I don't get paid for. I don't resent him. Afterall, he changed my diapers and gave up alot for himself to give me what I wanted growing up. It's just that it would be nice for someone to say, "let me take care of him for a day or 2 and you just rest". He had home health cae for 3 months, and it was wonderful. But because he couldn't make progress, they dropped him. Now I am looking for answers and asking God to lead me as to how to take care of him and myself. I pray for each of you and your situation. This too shall pass, but until then I need a break!

Hey, I feel your pain. But the thing is I have learned a lot in five years and my mother is the beneficiary of my hard work. I look at what we have achieved together and as a matter of fact there are days when there is actual improvement in her condition as a result of changing things up. Just lately I got her into an adult day program and she will be having some PT there as well. It is a state-funded program and there is no payment for these wonderful services. She loves going and now attends three days a week and takes the transport bus there and home. It gives her something to do with other elders and she cherishes the interaction with the caregivers there who are awesome at their job and really care. If you can get your mom into something like that it will give you a much-needed break from the routine and she will benefit as well. Don't give up -- find new answers for her and for you!

By the way, mom is turning 88 in two days and she has severe Alzheimer's mixed with Lewy Body dementia, has had numerous hospitalizations for falls, UTIs, and a fractured hip. Has also had three bouts with c. difficile courtesy of the hospital. She is a trooper and I troop along with her.

Dunwoody, you are so right on all accounts....it is definitely never ending and I totally agree that this has to be the work of Satan! It is extremely difficult and like you, have worked hard at finding ways to give myself breaks in the routine. My mom is now paying one of her granddaughters to come in week mornings for four hours, Monday through Friday, for as long as her money holds out. This gives me time to run errands, work in the yard, socialize, whatever I need to do without feeling harried and worried about mom being by herself. My bible study group now meets at my house every Monday evening so I can be here just in case. My sister takes mom for one week every four to five weeks so I get a break. I am truly blessed in this world of caretakers and believe me I know it. I also know that at any time things could change, mom may not be able or willing to travel to my sister's, in a couple of years she may not have the money available to pay her granddaughter and I will have to come up with another plan...the only constant in life is change. Until things change I just try to be extremely grateful for what I have right now.
Oh...I too have been playing more music around the house....I use one of the online radio stations where you pick what type of music...some is for mom-like the Big Band Era and Mitch Miller stuff....and some is for me! Mom doesn't hear too well, but she seems to enjoy the music when she is near enough to hear it. They say music calms the savage beast....and I'm talking about me! Thank you for your post...it's always good to feel validated!

You folks who have given up your lives to take care of a selfish parent have my admiration. My mother was a devoted parent who made many sacrifices for me. When her dementia progressed to a point that she could not longer live alone, I took an early retirement and moved in with her. I am 56 and have been doing this for the past four and one half years. I don’t think that I could give up my life for her had she been self-centered when raising me.

Caregiving is emotionally exhausting work, I’m ok with that, that’s what I signed up for. What I didn’t realize is how painful it is watching the years go by that you will never get back. I try to live day-by-day for my mental health.

My husband of 50 years, in the last 5 years he has had numerous health issues, high blood pressure, diabetes, heart attack, open heart surgery, mersa, 3 stroke/seizures, terminal stage 4 metastis prostrate cancer and now beginning stages of dimenta, I tried to leave/divorce him twice, because of years of emotional/verbal abuse, and went back to him(god only knows why) I had to close down my business and move because he refused to support me on any level in my endeavors. The attitude was that the people I wanted to help, only were using me. Now I am in a 24/7 care taker situation, with this person, who is still emotionally and verbally abusive,constantly condesending, argumentative, agitative, paranoid that me or someone is stealing his money, disposing of his clothes, people looking in the windows, or breaking into the house...he has always been distrustful of people, and now more so. I had no supportive family where we lived, I had to arrange to sell 2 properties, dispose of all household and other items (he was a hoarder) so my daughter (and one son..the other son isn't on speaking terms with me) arranged for us to move to another state and live with her and her young son. This is a daughter who was also treated as an insignificant, was verbally and emotionaly abused as well by my spouse. now she is taking us in to help me with the situation. (god bless her for this)now in another state, it is up to me to find doctors, prescriptions, health ins. and everything else ....It is sad to say that after all these years, I cannot love this person nor even like him. To say its overwhelming is an understatement, there are times, I feel like just checking out of life myself. If not for my daughter and grandson....

trustpact4, long before my husband had dementia I read an article about a woman who had put off divorce until the children were all out on their own. On the day she visited the divorce lawyer she came home to find out her husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She had cared for him 8 years at the time of the article.

I thought at that time, OMG! That must feel like a sentence. To feel obligated to care for someone you do not love and did not want to continue to live with.

My husband had Lewy Body Dementia for more than nine years. He spent all of them in our home, dying in our bedroom holding my hand. It is a huge, huge amount of work and takes an enormous emotional toll. If I could turn the clock back 10 years, knowing what I know now, I would make the same choice.

When my boys were young, if they asked for something that was inconvenient for me, I had a standard answer. "There is only one possible reason I would stop what I am doing, drop everything, and drive you halfway across town to your friend's house!" And they knew the drill and would answer, "Because you love me!" "That's right. Get in the car." (The other acceptable reason would be because I get paid for it. Taxi drivers have one reason, parents have another!)

The only possible reasons I could see for going through what I went through caring for someone with dementia is because you love them and feel loved by them, or it is your chosen profession.

My mother (92, moderate dementia) is sitting in the next room now, watching game shows and folding towels. She was an awesome mother and a fine person. She now has 4 daughters and 1 son taking active part in her care.

Would I do caregiving again for love? Yes. For any other reason? Guilt, obligation, duty? No way, Jose. Uh-uh. Not me.

So when I read about those of you caring first-hand 24/7 for someone who abused you, never valued you, hasn't repented or asked forgiveness but just takes your efforts and emotional turmoil as their due, I'm not sure whether I admire you or think you must be masochists. I'm not there so it is hard to say with certainty, but from where I sit now I say I would not do that. Arrange for their care, yes. Devote my life to personally providing their care, no way.

I don't mean to offend or criticize anyone on this thread. We each make our own decisions out of our life experiences. Just know that if you were abused, not everyone thinks you owe it to the abuser to personally provide hands-on care.

I do so appreciate your comment, thank you....at this point my reason for staying in a abusive situation and of dementia, is to disbursement of properties, to free myself of the additional obligations of being caretaker of them as well. And yes I am now in a place with my daughter's help that I have the inititve to search for a care facilitiy near by...at the very least a day care so I can have some respite time. then into a total care facility, which will be extremely difficult as he thinks he is fine. And yes you are right most people do not think I owe anything to him, with the exception of one son.
Another down side of this situation is the fact it is so challenging to keep from becoming disheartened and bitter toward life itself.

Just a comment. I've often heard others say in some situations "If he did that, I'd do this", or "If that happened to me, I'd do that, for sure". "If he screwed around on me, I'd cut his pecker off".

Well, most of us don't know what we would do until we are in that exact same situation.

A year ago, I said if it came down to when I had to change her poopy diapers in bed I'd tell my husband, " I QUIT". Well, I'm even in that exact situation, and I'm doing exactly that, and I didn't quit like I said I would a year ago. I don't know why I didn't quit. Maybe because somebody said "When she looses contol of her bowels, her end is near". Well, her end was supposed to be near "when she started seeing loved ones that had passed on before her". That was two years ago.

I suppose I've just stayed too long now to leave. Maybe cleaning her up isn't as bad as I thought it would be seeing that she is totally helpless now. Karma sure feels great. Everytime I go into her room, I'm pleased she's lonely, stuck in bed and totally dependent on me for everything that happens to her. I have total control over her. I'll even be the one to choose her final clothes to be buried in. I will be nice, though. I need to stay around for that.

Actually I think the worst part is the lack of support, from family and from the "system", not to mention the health care providers treat you like you don't know what you are talking about when you are the one who knows the patient and their condition best.

vankeurengroup, I am so sorry that you are being treated this way by the so-called professionals. Other than our original primary care physician who didn't know diddly squat about dementia, I have had positive experiences with the health care community. For example, the Mayo Clinic refers to caregivers as Care Partners. At each appointment, while my husband was having tests I was being interviewed. My opinions and observations were sought and taken seriously. At our local clinic his geriatrician talked directly to him but always looked to me for confirmation.

I'm sure it is little consolation to you, but there really are health care professionals out there who welcome and even solicit the input of the care partners. If lack of respect from the professionals is among the worst part of your caregiving situation, it might be worth trying to find the good professionals.

It's been an interesting read here. I think all caregivers on this board can identify with every story, even if the situations aren't exactly the same.

I care for my almost 90 year old mom who has AD. I also care for my physically disabled older brother. We have no family living within 100 miles. And what relatives we do have, never bother with us. Even Mom's brother only calls twice a year...Christmas and Mom's birthday. Why he bothers doing even that, I don't know. He doesn't want to talk to her. He tells me to tell her Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday. I guess he can't come to terms with it all. Even Mom's favourite nephew who I thought adored her, never once called since I left him a message about Mom being diagnosed with AD. She was diagnosed 3 years ago.

A person learns pretty darn quickly who actually cares. And more importantly, you learn how to survive without the people you thought cared.

This is a never ending situation. I knew for many years that I would probably have to look after my brother when my parents were gone. But, I didn't count on taking care of a parent and a sibling.

I can go for hours not hearing the sound of my own voice. My brother suffered a serious head injury years ago. He can barely walk and talk. He can only string about 3 to 5 words together. Often he just says one word and I have to figure out what he's talking about. He suffers from short term memory loss, so will forget something after just a few minutes. Mom can still speak; but she makes no sense whatsoever. It's just a bunch of words thrown together.

The only conversation I have is with people on a message board I've been a member of for several years. I haven't seen or spoken to a real life friend for well over a year.

But, I still manage to survive it all. I plan on surviving for as long as I'm needed here.

Many of us survived less than ideal childhoods with parents who perhaps should never have had children. We spent much of our lives moving beyond those memories. And then we find ourselves thrown back into caring for an elderly parent, and what we once thought we "conquered," comes back to haunt us every day we see our parent's face. That's been my experience. What goes around, comes around. I never understood that saying until I found myself living it.