I think I made a big mistake doing for myself!!!!

Cwgirl-- you are no different than any of us. Just come here and vent, have a good cry, remember your Mom can't help getting older and needing care-- we will all be there some day. This is a great place, yes. Why would you be surprised to get helpful feedback? We, and you, are Care Givers:) hugs and love

who would have thought I could express just my thoughts and get such wonderful responses...this place still boggles my mind...in answer to the question about who stayed with her...that was a whole different story....one day I caught her crying because she was afraid to be alone...not just tears...whole hearted sobs...instead of getting mad, my first response when she wouldn't answer me as to what was going on with her, I asked her one more what was wrong and that is when she simply said...I am afraid to be here alone...I was so angry she was gong to tear apart my one chance to see my sons for just three stinking days...so I just turned around and walked away...I talked with my son's fiancee, two of my sons live close by, two live in Arkansas, and she said she would stay the weekend with mom. I then decided to get everyone together at one time, my mom, son, Carrie, to talk this out because I was waiting for mom to say no that is not what she wanted to do. Instantly, my son popped up and said he wanted to stay the weekend also which meant my 6 year old grandson would be here the entire weekend and I waited to hear the dreaded words from mom..." no that is ok...I'll be fine." I was so ready to say...mom, I'm going with or without you having care for the weekend, but she was so excited to have them...it blew me away.
Now my other problem is my future guilt....I feel I do not give to her what she deserves...she is a kind lady...a bit difficult, frustrating and even some of her kindness just irratates me...I am to the point when no matter what she says or does, just grinds on my nerves....I told her I wish I was allowed to get mad, upset, frustrated, yell, scream, rant and rave...but she will not let me, she gets so upset and actually has a hard time breathing!!!! I guess I hold so much in that when I do let it go...it is big...........I havent figured out yet how to deal with this...but I will. I asked her to let me show my emotions, let me get mad or whatever else I feel...that is all it is, feelings and then I get over it and go on. I just get so tired of having to get permission to have emotions!!!!!!!!!! for fear of how she is going to react to them. I told her at the times I am ready to explode, I wish she wasn't around so I could without fear of her reaction. She didn't know what to say to this. I just hope when all is said and done, I can look back and say I did my best...since none of you know the inside me, I am the only one who can evaluate this. I just know I want to love my mom again, as my mom...and the odds of this happening is pretty slim to none...well that is what is today...no telling what tomorrow will bring...cwgrl

Hi Cwgrl, I am experiencing the very same emotions you are, Believe me I feel your pain. I am back 3 weeks from a wonderful 3 week vacation. Now its back to reality BIGTIME! I am a single woman and fulltime caregiver to my widowed 86 year old dad. I was very fortunate to have been able to have gone on my vacation. My siblings helped out when I was gone. Now I feel resigned to my fate. I had a taste of what freedom is like and it's very difficult now to come back to the same routine. I have been caregiving for years. I love my dad even though alot of the time he isn't very lovable. He has always been difficult. My father didn't even tell me he was glad I was back. He put me through hell for weeks when he found out I was taking a trip even thought I constantly reminded him his other children were pitching in to take care of him. Apparantly taking care of him is supposed to be my job alone. I try and steal a day away every week but even that is becoming increasingly difficult. Siblings have things going on in their lives and rarely can get away now. I know this isn't going to last forever but I dream of getting my old life back..... at least a part of it. This is so hard. I have friends going through this emotional roller coaster as well. Thank goodness for this website where we can vent, and prayer of course. Please hang in there, it's all we can do. Hope it gets better for you!

Cwgirl, what you experienced coming back to reality was a normal reaction I think. I don't know if you ever went on any camp outs or retreats with your church youth group like I did. When I came back after being on such a 'high' back to reality, it really sucked big time. So it's normal to feel like that. But for me, after being home for a few days I got back into the swing of 'real life' again and it was fine, again. It's the way of life. You just need to renew your thinking about the 'why' you're doing what you're doing, and re-dedicate yourself to doing just that. You'll never have any regrets when the end finally does come. Be thankful that you had the time you had with your sons, be thankful you had the means to visit them in the first place. For me, I start telling God the things I AM thankful for, and acknowledge that I wouldn't even have air to breathe if HE hadn't made oxygen in the first place.

Hey cw girl!! You are VERY GOOD at venting!!! Healthy, honest!! That's what you need to keep doing, since you have DECIDED that this is it. Don't close any doors. You never know what might happen.
So, who watched her while you were gone? Maybe she is OK alone for a few days at a time? Maybe you need to create some more space in your life? Lots of activities do not cost money, and they are healthy and mind/life saving.
You saw the contrast in your home life with her and your freedom in getting away. BLAAAAH!!! Try to find a balance for yourself so it is not one extreme or the other.
This is a good time to BREATHE. Purposeful breathing to calm yourself and find your center to balance your life. I know you can do it. What a good daughter you are, and you are being Blessed as we blog.
Remember that some things we are momentarily involved in are being stored away for later reward. Keep venting and taking care of yourself:) Big Hugs, Christina

cwgrl - don't know what to say but think I understand your frustration. A thought - there is not being able to care for someone for physical reasons and also there is not being able to care for some one for emotional reasons. I think one is as valid as the other. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Blessings to you as you struggle through this. I remember having the same feelings. Just understand that when your caregiving role is over (and it will be one day), you will know that you did your very best. That's all you can do.
I know you didn't ask for advice, but as a nurse, I would just ask that you seek advice from a physician about your depression. There may be a TEMPORARY help. Also, call your Area Agency on Aging and ask if they have a respite scholarship program so that you can schedule at LEAST 2 hours a week to get away and do something for yourself. You really can't go on like this. Remember: a car doesn't run without gas; a caregiver doesn't run without some self care.

Blessings,

Shelley Webb