Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Welcome Helpseeker. Here is the link Shell mentions

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3

Helpseeker,
Welcome to the club! A club that we all wish we were not in, but we are!

Stop trying to please and/help your mom! She doesn't REALLT wants the help!! She just want you jumping from one foot to the other while you are jumping through loops!!!

I have learned so much about this in the last week or two; however, I figured out years ago that my own mother was making me do the same thing. She would make me feel guilty for not helping her, but when I tried to help or ask her what she wanted help she would tell me "oh, I'm fine!" Or "I can do it by myself!" Then turn right around and make me feel guilty! I just stopped! If she really needs help then I'll help her, but if she doesn't ask for help I sure don't bother in offering to help!

Someone told me this is the game that narcissistic mothers love to play, so stop playing. Read the posts on this thread. That is what I did and there were SO MANY similarities stories that I had to face the fact that my mother was a NM!

There are some very wise and knowledgeable people on this subject that can help you!

Lealonnie1 has posted I think it is on this thread or its in "I heard my mother talking behind my back" thread 25 signs of Narcissistic.

Your not alone! There really is to many of us with dysfunctional mothers!

Hugs!!!

I actually walked out on my mother today because of manipulation and the guilt I don't make many trips there to visit even though I hear from her daily it's taken me 55 years to realize she has narcissistic behaviors I am at a loss as to what to do to help my father will need help I have a brother and a group home that needs overseen as well she tells me she needs help but when I offer it she doesn't want it! Is constantly putting me through guilt trips I just don't know where to begin how to go about dealing with nothing I say or do is ever good enough my poor father stays in another room or outside just to get away I do work a full-time job I want to be there for my parents and I also want to be able to help with my brother it seems that my relationship and I try to have with my father is always ruined by my mother it's such a complex confused situation I should add that I have yet to start the caregiving I'm not sure how to help any advice would be greatly appreciated it's hard to deal with because I am so belittled and put down

Nyc2ca, sorry to read how difficult things are for you. Do try and find some space for yourself, and feel free to vent as much as you want here. You are in good company with people who understand what you are going through.

I'm glad I found you all here. Been a caretaker for my mother after her stroke in February (moved back home from clear across the country). Some days, I feel like I'm going insane with the constant gaslighting, dishonesty, and cruelty spewing from her. And support groups have been hard to find during covid. Relieved to be here!

What I find that Really Sucks...is that I have to take care of somebody who never took care of me!!

Exhaustedone,
You hit the nail right on the head!

Thanks Exhausted!!

I find (same type of mother) that it's out of guilt and programming. A narcissist isn't able to give love. Life, especially yours now that you're a caregiver, is all about them. Dementia makes this a million times worse. As their life consumes yours it's natural and normal to question this and try and sort out what, exactly, this is doing for YOUR life. I've gotta say, from my experience, it adds nothing to my life. It just continues eating away at it.

I'll be 60 in a couple of years and both parents are still living. The house is, basically, a nursing home. They are served 24/7. What you'll get from a narcissist is nothing. They are unable to give anything emotionally. They're not wired that way. Hypersensitive to criticism, never wrong, gaslighting you, criticizing you...the list is endless. What I've found is that all the compassion, empathy and caring we need has to come from ourselves. Their needs are so great, so constant, so all encompassing there is nothing left over for you.

Congratulations that you are going to a therapist!! That's a fantastic positive step in taking care of YOU. Sometimes you just need to vent and be validated for your feelings. I wish you well and hope that your journey to loving yourself is smooth and swift. You deserve it.

Oh lealonnie, Wow your mother actually told the staff to do that.? You were so nice to buy 10 boxes of chocolates for the staff. You must have told your mother or the staff told her you bought them chocolates, right? Too bad about the visit, but maybe next visit will be better. At least the staff can still have their chocolates.

Well the window visit was craptastic. My mother said she told her caregivers to sneak into the Executive director's office last night to snatch up the 10 boxes of chocolates I bought for the staff so SHE could hand them out as she saw fit! The girls said Sure but found the door locked, fortunately. I told her, you are going to get these girls FIRED and she says I DON'T CARE. Just another day in paradise.

"lealonnie1,"

Wishing you and your DH godspeed as you head over to do a "window visit" - being that it's very cold and windy, hopefully you can cut the visit short.

Wow! her entire life - there are no words - I know you have some "choice" words though!!!

Good luck -

NobodyGetsIt: She's talked that way her entire life........she thinks baby talk is cutesy wootesy. In fact, she thinks SHE is cutesy wootesy. :(

We are on our way over there now for a window visit; it's very cold and windy outside & I am bundling up like crazy. God give me strength.

"lealonnie1,"

Did your mom start talking that way when she got dementia or as she hit her 70's - how embarrassing for your 35-year old son! I really feel for ya - smh because it boggles my mind that there are really people like that!

Just got a text message from my brother in Colorado.
It's almost 11 PM, and he's worried because Mom didn't answer her phone!
I'm so sorry, but WTF am I supposed to do about it at this point in the night??
There just aren't enough words!🤬🤬🤬

NHWM.....your DD can have the snow. I'm sick of it already and it's only Dec. The almanac said dry winter, liars. The husky is adorable. That's what dogs DO. They chase and kill rabbits, puke and get diarrhea. They eat trash too and need emergency vet visits with IV antibiotics to save their lives to the tune of $3k. People shouldn't have dogs if they don't like messes and won't tolerate vet expenses. Sheesh. That pup is lucky your DD rescued him.

We go to one restaurant here that's owned by a New Orleans transplant.....its called NoNos Cafe. In fact, we had our engagement party there in 2008.

NobodyGetsIt.....yeah, cutesy wootesy baby talk my mother uses because she thinks it makes her look cute. She calls my son by a baby name at 35 and it's nauseating to me.

Our Covid cases have risen here, yes, but our moronic governor is going overboard with fear tactics, as usual. He had it, and so did his boyfriend who was hospitalized, but Polis was fine. COLO is #20 in the US at 300k cases since last March, yet Polis tells us 1 in 60 have it, which is obviously not true! We are not traveling either, but the fear mongering is getting to be too much for most of us.

Lea,

I would welcome Italian cookies! Love cappuccino too!

My daughter has found two restaurants in Denver that the chefs are transplants from New Orleans!

She is loving the snow! She says she is getting used to driving in it.

She is having so much fun with her new dog (Siberian Husky) that she rescued.

I love all of the photos that she is sending. I put one as my avatar. He’s my sweet new grand puppy!

I am looking forward to meeting her pooch one day, after hubby’s treatments are over and it becomes safer to travel.

The former owners surrendered the dog because he chased a rabbit and ate it.

He got sick, throwing up and diarrhea. The shelter gave him meds and he’s fine now.

They said they didn’t want to pay the vet bills. Maybe they lost their jobs during Covid, who knows? My daughter couldn’t go inside the shelter due to Covid. She saw him on a Zoom meeting.

Then she drove to pick him up. They walked him out to her car.

Even if hubby didn’t have cancer, we wouldn’t travel during Covid. She says the cases have risen there.

Really "lealonnie?" - She says "I WUV YOU?" I think I'm gonna be sick and we just had a delicious pizza!!

I don't like "baby" talk unless it's coming from a "baby!"

Jodi......your dog Norman is adorable!!!! 😂

Lost, if your mother is anything like mine (God forbid) she will tell you all the other residents she lives with are STUPID MORONS and JACKASSES and they have nothing in common at all! She gets along with nobody except the caregivers she sucks up to so they agree to be her flying monkeys! She blows them kisses and says I WUV YOU to them and it is enough to make ya vomit! So maybe don't get your hopes up about your mother making friends or finding ANYTHING to be appreciative or thankful for. All these women know how to do is complain, curse, carry on and exaggerate their ailments for attention. I'm now asking my mother if she'd like me to call her an AMBULANCE to take her to the hospital for her constant throwing up, which the staff tells me isn't happening. OH GOD FORBID is her reply. So I guess you're not THAT SICK after all, huh? 😐

Anyway, just as long as you steel yourself for the possibility she won't make friends and it's NOT YOUR FAULT, you'll be all set.

Glad you have joined us here! 😁

Lost,

Trust me!! You're in good company here!!

And you are most definitely not alone!😊

Shell,

That's my favorite pic of Norman!
Just home from the groomer.
He may not always look so put together, but he's always adorable!! (Except when he's munching down on deer carcass) lol

Thank you Lea and X-ray. She is still in quarantine and doesn’t know anyone (guilt..) once she is out of quarantine I hope she will make some friends. It’s so frustrating when you try so hard to do something to please your mother and it goes unrecognized. I feel that deeply. I moved away at 16 so I wouldn’t have to deal with her but now I really have to learn how to cope with it. I only have 5 Ativan left!
Thanks for all the great advice. It lifts my spirits to know I am not the only one-and to be able to talk about it. Many of my friends mothers have passed and hubby’s family is “perfect” so they don’t understand what it is like. Thank you!!

Xray,
Your doggie likes very handsome. That is a great picture!😊

Lost,

Lealonnie is correct!! Stop going everyday!
The term FOG applies. Fear, Obligation, Guilt!

My NM moved from Colorado to Montana to be closer to me. She constantly complained about being in my brothers home. She felt he and his family were treating her sooo badly. Now that she's in ALF near me, I am the object of her ire!!

If you haven't already, do some research on narcissism. It may not apply to your Mom, but there are many techniques you may find helpful!

You can start slowly. Maybe only go every other day to start with. Are you paying for Covid tests once a week??
Perhaps if she doesn't see you every day, she will form relationships with others in her new home.

It's like eating an elephant. ONE BITE AT A TIME!!

You deserve to have a healthy and happy life!!

Hang in there!

(((Hugs)))

Lea,
You can send me some cookies! 🍪

Hey NHWM, I should have sent the Italian cookies to YOU! I still can........I have my mother's debit card, remember! LOL

You have great food in LA. In Denver, a Twinkie is considered a pastry.

Lea,

I love Italian cookies! Also love Italian ice cream.

We have a great local Italian bakery here, Angelo Brocato’s. It’s been around forever. Wonderful pastries and espresso.

My mom went there as a little girl to buy Italian cookies and ice cream.

It’s my daughters’ favorite bakery.

You’re a wonderful daughter to send your mom Italian cookies! Yummy!

Lost1atsea: I think we all con ourselves. This is our MOTHER, for godsake, maybe she's not THAT bad, blah blah. Then, like you said, she is like a crocodile -sleepy and docile looking and then she opens her mouth a rips me apart. Stop going every day!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Lord, go once a WEEK, if that, and realize it's PLENTY! She's doing fine. It's not a requirement for her to rip you apart in order to thrive in her new environment. This is NOT your 'new life' unless you MAKE it your new life. Your mother is well cared for in her SNF without YOUR help. Process that information so you can move on with YOUR life.

Don't YOU die before SHE does, ok?

You cope with her 'daily grinding away at you' by not speaking to her daily. It's the only way.

I sent my mother a 2 lb box of Italian cookies from Carlo's Bakery in N.J., you know, the Cake Boss Buddy Valastro. She loves him. They were delivered to her AL yesterday. This afternoon she calls me to tell me how horribly SICK she's been all night and all day today. Oh, and by the way, some cookies were delivered to her. She guesses they're for the whole AL, she doesn't know. Or care. I said, read the note. Oh there is no note, who knows what the stupid girl did with it? There's a note mom, read it. I told her where the cookies came from, etc. It was like I had sent her a booby trap for all the enthusiasm it generated. She was way too busy complaining to be appreciative of the Christmas gift she was given. I'm glad I used HER money to pay for it.

I can’t believe how similar everyone’s story is. I totally conned myself. I don’t even know why. I live far away from my mother (she was in a retirement home) and my brothers. I finally went to see her. Drove 8 hours and they let me in for 20 minutes. She seemed so frail. I know my brothers don’t see her much and I actually felt bad for her (one human to another). She can’t see walk or hear well.
So when she broke her foot last month I asked her if she wanted to be near me. I jumped through crazy hoops to get her in a nursing home here. I felt sorry for her, I felt I could suck up all the horrible history and abuse to care for her at the end of her life.
She has only been here a week, they are taking great care of her and her health has improved dramatically.
Mine is declining. She is in quarantine so I am going every day. I have to get a COVID test every week. She is like a crocodile -sleepy and docile looking and then she opens her mouth a rips me apart. She wants to go back to her old place and complains constantly that she can’t see her son(she previously complained that she never saw any of them). I told her if she moved here she would probably never see them again. She said “I don’t anyway.” Now she won’t shut up about it. People think she is a sweet old lady but she has no friends and her whole family hates her... 

What was I thinking!? I wanted to take the burden off my brother. But I can’t sleep at night, I’m terrified that this is my life now. How do I cope with her daily grinding away at me?

I have agreed to bring NM from ALF to stay in our home for two days/one night after Christmas.

My daughter is bringing her two daughters (my beautiful grandbabies) for 6 days.

Although my daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with my Mom, she understands that her Nana has been on lockdown for 10 months. She and I have agreed to be a United front!!

Not gonna lie!! The thought of all the drama is causing me stress!!

Lea,
It's all good!🙃