Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

lealonnie, glad to hear your mother is feeling better with the Cymbalta, but sorry to hear about the increase in delusions. It is a trade off. I agree with your DD that being on Cymbalta is worth the trade off!! She is being civil to you. I would just play along with her delusions. I wouldn't tell her there is nothing there. I would just go along with it.

I agree that mothers like ours should have been on an antidepressant YEARS AGO!!! But like you said, you can't get them to the doctor for an anidepressant because they don't think there is anything wrong with THEM!! They think it is everybody else!!!! Hope the Cymbalta continues to help and helps with her nastiness and disagreements!!! Good luck. Hugs to you!!

EP: I've had some 'discussions' with my mother about my childhood and I'm always met with astonishment & gaslighting, like Chris just said. She will say that I've INVENTED the stories, so what's the point, other than getting it off of MY chest? She knows, in her heart of hearts, the truth, but can't bear it, so she can have her delusions while I have MY truth. You know?

An odd thing has happened. Mom's dementia has been declining recently, and she's been put back on Cymbalta at my request. She was on it last Jan and her dementia had worsened, but her neuropathy leg pain had IMPROVED. At the time, the change in her was so odd, that I had her taken OFF the Cymbalta, and she went back to her old self, complaining, nasty & argumentative, etc., and back to the bad neuropathy pain which continued to worsen to a place of agony, according to her. Even with 4 pain pills a day, she could not bear the pain, so I made the decision to get her BACK on the Cymbalta again for another go at it.
Her disposition has undergone a huge change now...........gone is the nasty, argumentative and complaining woman who was impossible to even deal with. She's now softer and easier in general! Her leg pain has dramatically improved as well. BUT.........and here's the but (b/c there is ALWAYS a BUT with my mother), her delusions have increased dramatically! Now she is in this loop where she thinks she has to come to my house & 'care for the children, her children' and on and on. She's also trying to call her sisters (who are deceased) and her mother who is also deceased, so I tell her I will call them FOR her to let them know she 'won't be coming over to care for the children'. Sigh. Last night she called to say that she had gotten dressed to come over to my house after looking for me 'over at her place' and not being able to find me. So now IDK.........it's a trade off. Much less pain for more delusions? Or much more pain for an ugly and miserable complaining & nasty woman? I will speak to her doctor tomorrow about the whole mess. But I spoke with DD last night who's an RN and she's picking #2.............less pain & more delusions. I called over to the MC this morning & she's fine. She seems to be sundowning.......worse in the late afternoons, which is typical for dementia ANYWAY, so some of this would be ANYWAY, even w/o the new meds.

It's extremely ODD to listen to my mother acting civilized to me over the phone, though, I must say! She asks how I am! She even said .................."I miss you so much" the other day! I was flabbergasted! Too bad she wasn't on this type of anti-depressant medication her WHOLE LIFE, is what I have to say! I also wonder how many of these NMs truly NEED medication to balance out their horrible personalities? But their personalities is what PREVENT them from seeking help and then taking the medications!

Thanks Piper. In answer to your question, no, I’ve never called my mother out on her abuse or poor parenting. It would be met with astonishment, self pity, lies, rage and further manipulation. I don’t need all that and would rather go Gray Rock. You make an interesting observation though - it’s probably a common fact that most victims don’t challenge their abuser, whether through fear of reprisals, the emotional toll of the fall out, or even that little voice inside telling you it’s really all your fault. Piper, it’s a shame you feel bitter and resentful, but if this gets channelled into a firmer stance with your mother when the time is right, then the pain of this now might be worthwhile.

Chris good for you for pushing back on sorting your mom's things for her! She is lucky you drop them off. These narcs will never change. I agree with you that awareness is SO important. If I had the same awareness I have now 3+ years ago I wouldn't be in this boat. I would have led my mom straight to assisted living, on her dime only, period. UGH - I have SO much regret and getting out of this is going to be long and difficult. So to all those who are just waking up to this- do not move them in with you or next to you.

No loving mother would do this to her child. I read something here a little while back - the poster was talking about her mother's awareness that she (the mother) was a burden. She would even apologize to the poster, her daughter. But she was WILLING to be a 7 year burden to her daughter rather than adjust her expectations as to how she wanted to live. In other words, another one who would rather suck the life out of their child than go to assisted living or professional care.

My mother was and is obviously also willing to do this. She knows she is a burden. She doesn't care, and she in fact feels entitled to hijack my life. I'm giving this another year, but when the time comes to have the "I'm not doing this anymore" talk - it's not going to be as emotionally grueling as I once imagined. I'm too bitter with resentment.

In fact, it makes me wonder. Has anyone with a narc mother ever called them out for being an abusive parent? Or even telling them they were a crappy parent? I don't think I ever have. I've always been too afraid. She is the only person on earth that has treated me poorly and I've literally been afraid to stand up for myself.

That is slowly changing now that I am living this nightmare. You are right Lea that when pushed to the edge it can bring out the bull in us.

To all of the posters here, and particularly to the newbies, it’s so important to develop an awareness of what’s going on with your NM and how it’s affecting you. There is a lot of guilt showing up in some of these posts, whilst others have a huge amount of self awareness and ideas on how to deal with the problems. If you are feeling weak, or your resolve is starting to crumble, re- read some of these posts to regain strength. Without this forum I don’t think I would have made such progress in dealing with my mother and taking care of myself more. I’ve just dropped some more stuff at my mother’s during a break in the bad weather. Once again she expected me to break Covid rules and go inside, just because she couldn’t be bothered to take the things to her room herself, none of which were heavy or bulky, and her room is very close to the main door of the building anyway. I take a few things over each week so she has plenty of time to sort through things, bit by bit - which is an ideal winter job in lockdown, when there is little else to do. Now she has got fed up of sorting through her things, and said she will wait for Covid restrictions to be lifted, so that I can come and sort her stuff out for her! Such entitlement! I refused and said she must do it herself, then I left. It is great to come back home again and leave her behind with her own responsibilities. Helen, I am just being open and honest about how I feel. I too feel guilt from time to time, but I read posts on this forum and it goes away!

'I want to know she is safe and cared for, but beyond that, I don’t think I like her very much and so don’t want to spend any time with her. And I don’t feel guilty for feeling or saying that either. That is the legacy of a lifetime of having a NM.'

THANK YOU so much for saying this, Chris! It's what I feel but I haven't quite got rid of the guilt yet...

Thanks to all for your comments and suggestions. I am so sorry that there are so many of us dealing with this, but it really helps to have support!

stilldealing, I'm new to the thread here but in something of your same situation in that my mom is 82 and 'independent.' Of course that means expecting me to sit on the phone for at least an hour a day to "keep her company" and do as many things *for* her as she can manipulate me or spouse into doing.

Unfortunately my brother is mentally ill and I'm the only child available to provide care, but luckily Mom has been in her community for a long time and does have some friends in the area, so I'm going to let her call some of them for companionship, odd jobs etc.

Mom is currently planning to sell items from her hoarded home and move into a smaller place (closer to me so I can take care of her, is her logic - little does she know my phone can go to voicemail just as easily once she lives closer, also I suspect it will be some time till this move takes place because I am NOT going to go over there and dispose of/pack things up for her.)

I need to be involved here to keep up my resolve though. Like many moms I read about on here mine will stop at nothing to suck up all my time/resources/mental energy and I'm trying to avoid being "guilted" into doing too much. I love the idea ExhaustedPiper had to invent a job! I think I'll do that soon. Mom is affecting my sleep, marriage and mental state and like everyone else I'm struggling with covid also. Spouse lost his job a few months ago and is leaning on me for support pretty hard but Mom never asks about that of course.

So glad this board exists. It's already helped me so much. <3

Stilldealing....your NM is "independent" while relying on everyone else to take care of her 100%, which isn't "independence" at all but full dependence. Might I ask why you've all agreed to do everything for her and to maintain this facade? I made it clear to my parents right from the beginning that they wouldn't be moving in with me, and arranged for an Independent Living senior apartment 5 miles away from my house for them. When their care needs got too great, I arranged for them to move to Assisted Living. My mother now lives in Memory Care these days at 94. No guilt at all on my part, these were the terms up front. For the past 10 years, I've managed their entire lives for them, all but the hands on care giving, and it's been a lot of work. But I can live alone with my DH in peace so that's a good thing. Dad died in 2015, but mom has enough issues that it's the equivalent of having 4 elders to deal with....lol.

When mom runs out of money for private pay, I'll apply for Medicaid and move her to Skilled Nursing if she's still living. I'm not equipped or qualified to care for elders with dementia and lots of physical conditions and limitations. So that was my plan all along and I'm glad I was firm about it. I think at some point you have to say ENOUGH, I can't do that, and step back, you know? Learn to say NO MOTHER, I cannot possibly do that, you'll have to hire help or go into a hospice home. And stick to your guns. A guilt trip is only a useful manipulation tool if she sees that it WORKS. Stop falling for it! You have nothing to be guilty FOR!

Reading through the last few comments...

To all of you, forced into battles for your time & brain space with these women with 'strong' personalities... My hat goes off to you all!

They all seem to have common traits of really not being aware/or caring if your canoe capsized & you were literally drowning trying to pull their canoe along... as long as they are ok.

Keep treading water. Float for a while & reassess the situation. Leave their canoe tied to a tree in a safe place & swim away if you need to.

Your life is worth fighting for.

Chriscat-I haven't completely ditched the guilt (that sinking pit stomach feeling whenever I purposely avoid interaction with NM). I avoid her because interaction with her was damaging my mental health (increased anxiety, poor sleep), and affecting my (otherwise good) marriage. I think as long as NM is alive, I will carry around the guilt, dismay, anger and resentment, whichI liken it to stinking s@#t on my shoes...that smell you just can't place but can't get rid of ... For those of you whose parent is in a facility, I envy you. At lease someone else is seeing to the parent's food, shelter, etc. and you have options to limit social interactions, but know your parent is still safe. Alas, I still have the 'independent' mom, who hasn't driven in 45 years, hasn't grocery shopped alone in the same amount of time, has never mowed her 2 acre lawn, (she gets relatives to do it for free, being too cheap to pay anyone), never does her own household repairs or find workmen for it (then complains about the workmen we line up), but she is SOOOO independent. Now she is falling, soiling herself, etc and refuses to go to the very nice hospice facility we could arrange for her, or allow suitable skilled nursing at home. I know if I try to help her, or even see/talk to her more, she'll try to guilt me into enabling her to stay in her situation, with me literally cleaning up her nasty messes. It is a very difficult situation, but I have to make myself stick to my distancing plan, for my own good and hers as well. Perhaps it will force her to agree to going to a hospice facility. Thank you all for this space; sorry for the vent.

Piper, when lockdown is lifted, mum's supported living place will organise regular social events and outings which she can join in with if she wishes. To be honest, she's never really had friends she would meet up for coffee with or go shopping with. She's always just wanted to do what she wants, and having friends gets in the way of that. I plan to limit my contact and to do it on my terms. It looks like she's already found other residents where she is who she's roped in to "help" her with things, so I am of less use to her already.

Stilldealing, good for you for stepping back and being able to successfully limit your time. The ONLY thing that stands in the way of me reducing contact to your level is that my mom has dementia, and therefore I have to make sure she is safe on a pretty much regular basis. She lives 200 feet from me in her own place, so I get time away by letting her know I can't socialize at certain times (my fake job) but I am available for any legit emergencies.

Still, much of what you said rang true for me too. It's amazing how our narc mothers share so many of these traits. The covert abuse is one I know well also. When I was growing up my dad was the buffer. Now my DH is that buffer. How sad that we need people with us to avoid both our fear and their abuse.

Something else that you said resonated with me some too. In the 3 years I've been doing this with my mom as my tolerance for her bulls*** got lower and lower it became easier to stick to the boundary of not accepting abuse. I think it's starting to sink in for my mother that I WILL pull the plug if she pushes me too far. I've said enough to her during heated discussions that she knows I will have NO problem if this arrangement can no longer work out. Since she doesn't see any other options to her satisfaction she has backed off on the complaints, somewhat.

Chris- you are so right, they leave us alone if we are suffering and work is kind of part of that. I've faked sick too to get a break. But having fun is a totally different story. For awhile I was a single parent when my son was very young. My mom loved to frequently tell me she was "not a babysitter!" and the only way she would watch my son is if she approved of what I was doing, like working overtime, and even that was limited. If I wanted to go out on a date, forget it. My dad on the other hand couldn't get enough of my son, and as sick as it is I think that made my mom jealous. She would be the one to tell me NO, we are not babysitting so you can go out! So I would pay the neighbor money I couldn't afford to go out like once a month.
Now here we are- my now adult son is very close to his Nana on his dad's side (so I am for that matter) but doesn't have much to do with my mom aside from the few obligatory visits he does for my sake.

These narc mothers truly prove you reap what you sow.

Chris, when covid restrictions are lifted will your mom have more opportunities to socialize? Either way, I think you should only visit when you actually want to, and if that means very low contact so be it. You have done MORE than enough. No way I'm making the ten year mark here. So you have every right and even a duty to yourself and your DH to get back to living your lives. Your mom is safe and cared for and you can now put as much distance between you and her elder care as needed.

Helen, your mom brags about not joining in the group activities? Omg- PLEASE do not feel guilty about not socializing with her, she is making a CHOICE here! She may prefer you as her solution, but it's not fair to you and you are the only one who can force her to adapt to other people. It's often said around here as long as you keep being the solution the stubborn elder will not look for other solutions. I hope you can step way back to curb your own resentment (for which I don't blame you!) and force your mom to interact with her peers.

Helen, your work is important to you, whether your mother sees this or not. When lockdown is eased, why not stick to the twice a week visits only, by saying that your work has now really picked up and you don’t have any time to see her more frequently? Of course she won’t be happy, but at least it gives you a “script” to talk from. Don’t get into an argument about it. It is what is is, end of story. I agree that these people have got through life with no one ever challenging their behaviour, and thus enabling it further. In my mother’s case I think people either ran around after her every princess whim, or avoided her completely. No one ever challenged it. I’ve been thinking about how I’ll deal with my mother in her supported living when lockdown is over. If I’m honest, I don’t really want to see her at all. My head is still spinning from her living here for so long, and it will take a while for me to re-emerge into my own life after 10+ years of her being here. I want to know she is safe and cared for, but beyond that, I don’t think I like her very much and so don’t want to spend any time with her. And I don’t feel guilty for feeling or saying that either. That is the legacy of a lifetime of having a NM.

Re working: I have had a small but successful career as a self-employed editor/translator for 20 years and it's what keeps me sane. My mother knows this but - in common with many - doesn't seem to think working from home is a real job, and of course as a female nothing I do is as important as what men do!

Piper, my mum is indeed in AL, but she boasts about 'not being a joiner' when anyone suggests she get to know fellow residents or take part in most social events - which aren't happening anyway now because of the management's dread of the virus. (They have opted for risking ruining the mental and emotional health of their residents in order to protect them from COVID. I know it's a difficult choice...)

Today would have been my father's 91st birthday, but we lost him 24 years ago. He would be horrified if he saw what my mother has become in recent years, though perhaps not totally surprised, as her own mother was a recluse with no interests as well and ended up with dementia. The difference is that she didn't like being 'helped'. But I now think my dad must have enabled my mum's narcissism by giving in to her all the years they were married, and when he went she transferred her expectations to first my brother and now my husband (and me).

Lea, we have limited visits to twice a week and she seems to accept it, grudgingly, but I fear problems when lockdown is finally over and my fledgling boundaries are tested...! It makes me so sad that a relationship that is 'supposed' to be close and affirming is so fraught with tension and negativity. If I thought *my* children had any of these feelings towards me, I don't think I could cope.

Stilldealing......I believe you are referring to ExhaustedPipers post of 2.10 where she's talking about her mother's antics. All of our NMs share lots of common traits though, don't they? 🤐 The covert b.s. they pull is really the worst. Acting all sweetie sweetie to the rest of the world and like Linda Blair in The Exorcist to US! Good for you letting your NMs calls go to vm! We're trained like seals to jump every time they bark, then ask How High as well, then wait to hear how none of it was good enough ANYWAY! It's empowering once we realize we don't HAVE TO take orders anymore, and stop doing so!

Stilldealing, such excellent advice! Great also that you ditched the guilt.

Lealonnie- your Feb 10 post really hit home. My NM did/tries to do all the things you describe: rewriting history; hour long monologues; nothing you do is ever good enough...] So I finally made the decision to simply quit talking to her on the telephone. It seemed so 'defiant' at first, since 'calling your mother' had been ingrained and enforced by NM, and i expected disaster. Actually, it was great. I sent all her calls to me to voicemail, which i screen with a transcription service. I rarely respond, because she wants to get me on the phone so she take her potshots without anyone else hearing. (Covert abuse is a favorite tool of hers...) I also started limiting visits to no more than once every month or 5-6 weeks, even though I live in same city. Again, no disaster! I always take husband to visits, because NM won't get nasty in front of him. While at mother's I busy myself with loading dishwasher, putting dog out, playing with my phone...I never talk about my personal life, what i am doing/not doing, just go 'hmmm, really, yes, hmmm' and then leave. She doesn't like it, but that really isn't my problem anymore. Please consider stepping back from calls/visits if you can. Expect the bad behavior to ramp up for awhile (to try and get you 'back in line'). Limit your time even more with increased bad behaviors. Eventually, your mother may 'chill' a bit, because she will fear you will disappear for good and she will have no one.

Piper, it comes down to this: as long as you are “suffering“ (and “working” seems to fall into this category) they will leave you alone. But if they think you have some free time or, God forbid, that you might actually be enjoying yourself, that is not acceptable and they will steal that time from you. This is so unhealthy, as that “down time” for you is when you should be resting, relaxing, connecting with friends - all things that are important to your own well-being.

I just saw Lea's comment and it reminded me - Helen, one trick you can use is to tell your mom you got a job and that you won't be available during those hours. My mom thinks I work 3 days a week for 5 hours each day, and on those days I am unavailable for socializing. Somehow it seems to take the sting out of it for her if she thinks I'm working. If she thinks I have "free time" then she has NO problem feeling entitled to it, but a job is different. At first it felt weird to lie, but in this circumstance it really is the best thing for both of us. She is less offended and I get to have some days free of visiting.

Helen, I totally understand the frustration over your mother's dependence on you for 100% of her socialization. I have the same on-going problem here.

Is your mom in assisted living?

Helen.....just set limits and boundaries as far as how much time you will devote to mother's entertainment and be at peace with that decision. If my NM had her druthers, she'd choose to be entertained for every waking moment and that's not gonna happen. People like us wind up feeling badly no matter HOW much we do, so coming up with a plan of action winds us helping us. Otherwise we're sucked up into the vortex of feeling inadequate while devoting our entire LIVES to these women! 😣

May I echo NeedHelp's thanks for the sympathy, understanding and lack of judgmentalism shown by nearly everyone here. To think that a few years ago I had ever heard of narcissism and still thought *I* was the reason my mother has never shown me the love I needed!

It's a sad fact, though, that knowing about it doesn't always make it easy to end the old patterns - Lea, I do hear what you say about not thinking my mother's social life is down to us, but sadly for all practical purposes that *is* the situation. She won't accept help from anyone else, and if we don't step up we feel bad about ourselves all over again. As my brother can't retire for another ten years or more, it is a trap that won't let us free until my mum either moves into a care home or leaves this life.

NeedHelp, thank you for your kind words - they are much appreciated. Over the past year, this forum has really helped develop my thinking about my own situation, after an initial round of counselling. I too am very grateful to all those who have shown empathy and support, and am a stronger person for it, more self aware and alert to the games a narcissist can play. I completely agree with you when you say that some people find compassion for others, whereas some have only bitterness to give. Offering compassionate advice to others isn't entirely selfless: it feels good if you have helped others, and can turn your own negative situation into a positive one. It also encourages you to practice what you preach!

Chris,

I read the messages that pop up in my newsfeed and I am glad that yours is one of them!

Thanks for your encouragement to others.

When a person has been beaten down and harshly criticized by a parent, spouse, siblings, whomever, a terrible thing occurs to that person.

Their self esteem plummets into the toilet! We start to believe the crap that is thrown at us day in and day out.

I distinctly remember being horribly depressed one day as I was posting on this forum.

I honestly felt as if I had completely failed my mom at certain times.

I wrote about my hurt and frustration of wanting to fulfill my mother’s every need. I was confused. My conflicting emotions were getting the best of me.

I received several responses. Which ones helped me the most?

Certainly, it wasn’t the harsh sentiments without any compassion or empathy. Nor was it the silly ‘Pollyanna’ responses that downplayed my pain, were condescending and somewhat ridiculous!

The responses that helped me the most were exactly like the answer you just gave.

Several people repeatedly gave answers with logic and compassion and it was through their eyes that I began to see my mother’s actions more clearly as well as my own.

I remember saying in one post, “I failed my mother. I can’t please her. I want her to be happy.”

Lea said as clearly as possible, “You did NOT fail your mom. You have cared for her for years doing everything for her. You are worn out!”

Barb also said similar things. Anyway, those two people helped me snap out of it.

They accepted me as I was at that point in time, (nearly broken) and compassionately but honestly spoke the no nonsense truth. I needed that!

I see the same in your posts.

Some people have gone through pain and find compassion for others. Some people go through pain and become bitter without coming out on the other side and belittle or degrade others.

I shiver when I see that behavior because it brings out the worst in others instead of their best.

So for what it’s worth, thanks to all who are honest, patient and compassionate. You are the helpers!

Helen, please don’t think of yourself as the problem. You have every right to feel burdened with the responsibility of your mum. Lockdown has made this so much worse - we can’t really go anywhere to get away from the same four walls of the house we’ve been stuck in, on and off, for almost a year now. The high spot of my day today was walking from one end of the village to the other, for my permitted daily outdoor exercise, and to post a birthday card to a friend who I haven’t seen since we had lunch for her birthday last year! The weather was so cold I could feel my eyeballs freezing!

EP......so glad to hear you are "working" part time and have a plan in place moving forward! 😁 Pushing you to the edge of your limit has its advantages.....it brings out the BULL in us! Shows us how strong we really are and have to be, doesn't it?

Helen....how ridiculous that u r still locked down with cases dropping daily! In my state, cases are under 1000 per day state wide with a population of 5.8 million. Mostly everything is open here. Sad too that you feel responsible for being your mother's socialization and entertainment......sending you a hug that you get out of that mindset soon.

Thanks as ever, Chriscat. Mum isn't actually being difficult - she just sits in a chair as she does at home, and after lunch we show her clips of her great-granddaughters (as she won't have any even basic communication tools of her own). Today I gave her a quiz I had picked up at a local post office and that filled some of the time, but it's hard to find things she can or will do - she doesn't even put her hearing aids in half the time, even though I ordered and fitted new tubes on them last week!

I'm the problem really, as I just want someone else (not from this house!) to share the load of feeling/being responsible for whatever socialising Mum gets. My brother suggested that she get out more - a rather silly thing to say when she is housebound (unless we take her out) and it's lockdown and snowing!

Shell I remember that you gave yourself a timeline, I also agree with you that it helps mentally and will help keep me focused on doing what I need to do. Like you I am not saying a word to my mom or my siblings. This is about what I will be deciding to do, not what they expect me to do. I did tell my DH, and he understands. I had a rough melt down not too long ago, I think it was around the time my mom was harassing me with her parrot nonsense. And he told me that he knew I was struggling hard having her here, that he had been hoping it would get easier/better for me, but he said 3 years in and it's not. He let me know it's fine with him if I pull the plug on all of this, even if we have to take a financial hit.

I'll be stepping up the boundary issues, and walking out when ANY conversation starts to turn ugly. Also I've gotten to where when my mom complains about being here, I respond by telling her to move. In the beginning (several months after she got here) when she pulled that "I hate it here" crap I would get so upset because of all we did to get her into her condo, 4 long months of renovation and a lot of money. She KNEW it would hurt and get a reaction. Now I'm just like.... okay, then MOVE, sell the condo, I do NOT care. This seems to have curbed her "I hate it here" complaints.

Lea, I'm already working a few days a week, 5 hour shifts, and it's working out so far, Lol. I don't want to step it up to 9-5 because there are a lot of things I want to start doing for myself that don't involve her, so that will also take up my time. In other words I'm going to start reclaiming my life even while she is still here. My goal is to not let her living here get to me so much, to see it as temporary and less of a "threat" if that makes any sense.

Interesting that your mom has gotten easier in a way with the dementia progressing. I can see why it's sad too. I can totally imagine how you feel. Your spared the manipulation/abuse that takes at least part of a working brain, but it's still sad to see the deterioration. I mentioned something along these lines recently- that the phase where they are "independent" and can still dish out abuse, knowingly, is the worst.

One of my first things to do this year is to see an elder attorney. I want to show him/her my DPoA and ask exactly what it will take for me to move my mom to MC if she is not willing to go herself. That is a question I have never been able to get a real answer to, and I'm wanting to know. I know that time is not now, but I still want to be prepared for when it is the time. Yep- I'm using the next year to get proactive and prepare and let go of my debilitating anxiety/depression and thoughts that I am stuck with no end in sight. No more mental nightmares of me being 70 and she is 87 and is still here making me miserable. Nope.

Helen, I do know how you feel. I was just reading your post when my mobile rang. It was the medical centre wanting to speak to my mother. She had given them my phone number to deal with her problems rather than her own number. I’ve given them her number and asked them to call her direct. I’m not her secretary. When you have your mum round, can you arrange to do something that might distract her and make you feel less resentful? Maybe look at some old photos together? I’m wondering whether what you need is a list of things you’re going to do, either involving her or just you doing things in the background, when she comes round, to get you through the hours. If she’s being difficult, maybe you can just focus on working through your list rather than letting her behaviour get to you. I’m thinking I might do this when I have to call in to drop things off at my mother’s new place. If her behaviour is really bad, set those boundaries by telling her she won’t be coming round each week again until she can be a good visitor and be polite to you.

I'm sure those of us who are still under lockdown are all getting very fed up with it after nearly a year, and with no end in sight yet although in the UK the vaccination programme is going surprisingly well. But as well as the normal feelings of missing my children and granddaughters I am now increasingly chafing at being in a support bubble with my NM, which means that my husband and I have to provide whatever she needs beyond the 1.5 hours of paid help she gets a week. My brother isn't allowed to visit or help.

I guess this is payback for those lovely six months last year when we weren't allowed into her building... I know it's not a lot to ask, to have her round here for an afternoon once a week and call in there once a week - and she says she is fed up stuck in her flat on her own, even though when she *was* able to go to activities she usually chose not to (... unless we went too). But I am feeling that old trapped sensation again. I could of course choose not to invite her round, but that would look mean and unkind. I feel as though I am living a double life -dutiful daughter on the surface while seething with suppressed resentment underneath. I don't like it and am sure it's not doing my health any good!

Just venting - I know there's not much I can do about it!