Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Welcome, pelar! I'm in Lonnie's boat also - my mother is considered by many to be a pillar of our local community, mostly because she works so hard at obtaining recognition and praise (at the expense of time/attention toward me, her other family, herself in many ways in that she does volunteer work and is now broke except for Social Security etc.) I've known something was wrong all my life but a few weeks ago, when I was getting the rest of my stuff out of her house after she gave most of it away (she had offered to "store some things for me,") it struck me that something might be going on which was really, truly abnormal. My only sibling, a half brother, also has a cluster B personality disorder and I've read enough about it to know these things are heritable. I really think my mother would qualify as officially NPD, not that she'd ever go into therapy for it in a zillion years.

Here's another great article on covert narcissism - my mom seems to have both overt and covert depending on the situation. The #3 section on appreciated altruism, in which someone puts a 20 in a tip jar only so others can see it, fits my mother to a T.

https://hackspirit.com/a-covert-narcissist-5-warning-signs-youre-dealing-with-one/

And you know, I think part of me is still in denial about this. I don't want her to be NPD because I do know there's some good in her and in her defense I don't think she gets up every day and sets out to hurt me or other people. Although in a way it's a relief because I finally feel like I'm starting to understand what's made her do hurtful nonsensical things and why I've known at a very deep level all my life that I was basically on my own. My dad knew what was up but didn't have the emotional tools to protect me.

Honestly if I could move a zillion miles away I would be really tempted but that is just not practical, spouse is looking for a job and all his professional contacts are in the town we live in. Also we are not spring chickens and starting all over in a new place would be really hard. So I'm just going to have to get tough I suppose.

Chriscat, you are very right about the 'phone misery' BS which I've been dealing with for YEARS now while my mother is in AL/MC. When I spoke to her doc the other day, she said mom is doing 'fine' yet all I get to hear is how HORRIBLE she's doing and feeling, meaning my mother is LYING to me, as usual, and all I get to hear is the phone misery.

Elaine, my mother has had a few broken ribs and sternum bones from all the falls over the years which were found during a CT scan last time she was hospitalized in 2019. The doc said the bones were in various stages of healing. So she would call the caregivers to bring her icy hot packs when her 'side was killing her' or when her 'breast was killing her' meaning it due to broken bones she covered up. But no, no trips to the ER for any of her falls. Her mood was foul last night, so IDK how much the Cymbalta is 'helping'.........she's also saying her legs are 'killing her' once again, so who knows? To the rest of the world she's just fine, to me she's half dead.

Pelar20, welcome~! It took me decades to figure out what was wrong with my NM. DECADES. My mother has always been the Queen of Appearances; it's always been all about what OTHERS think and the mask she wears to keep up the facade that she's perfect. Behind that mask lurks the evil being she truly is, which only her immediate family gets to see. The rest of the world thinks she's the bees knees. It's terrible, really, to be one of the only ones to know The Truth. And have others think WE are the Bad Guys and she is the Good Guy. There is a great article about Passive Aggressive Covert Narcissists that has helped me a lot; here is a link in case you're interested:

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3

Shell...........it gets easier when you move away from your NM and get out of her sight, and/or once she passes away. You have a whole LOT OF LIFE left to live and there are A LOT of people who love you lots, so now is NOT the time to be with your dad again. Don't give your NM that much power, ok? She is NOT WORTH IT, she is mentally ill. Do not define YOURSELF by what SHE thinks of you or has to say about you! NONE of us should do such a thing! We are all wonderful women DESPITE what our NMs have to say about us.

Now, get out, smell the fresh air, do something just for YOU, and get away from the old crone today. Sending you a big hug of love & understanding

I woke up this morning feeling like the emotional mac truck ran me over. Woke up to realizing (as if I didn't know) that my favorite person & the one who loved me is gone and that my mother is the one who has caused me so much pain and she is the one who kept my brother & I from having a relationship; furthermore, the one who was stealing from me...just to cause me pain! Most days I can except this as my new reality, but other days, I feel it is just to much! In truth, I just wish I could be with my dad again!

Does it ever get easier? 🤔

I posted a vent under Burnout earlier in the evening and felt quite a bit better. Perhaps I should have posted here in response to the narcissist issues. I have been reading all the responses to xrayjodibs post and have had a few aha moments. I realise my elderly mother is a bit on the narc side but for about 10 years I was convinced she was getting on into dementia. I work in aged care so I could recognise the signs. However looking back I think so many of the bonkers little and big problems were actually crafted by her to make a drama. The Phones she has lost. Dropped into a garden bed. Left in the mall. Sat the device in a puddle. Left it off the charger to go flat and make bother for herself and others. Pressing the off button during a call to me. The excruciating stress she has caused me over the years. I went on a short holiday some years ago with my elder son and daughter and left my two youngest children at their dads for a week. my mother went over and got the girls, took them to her home and then started phoning me leaving messages in an irritated tone asking me when was my plane going to land as she had appointments. Taking my beautiful silk and wool throw off my bed and letting the kids play with it in the dry grass outside. It was ruined. Living on a single aged pension but going into debt for a luxury European river cruise and a brand new car. Telling everyone how "financially comfortable" she was. No money left for basic repairs. Buying new clothes every fortnite. Being a twobob snob her whole life which really blew out of control when her husband died fifteen years ago. I did not understand her shame and disgust and dissatisfaction with us as a child but I get it now. And her poor decisions are not dementia I think. They are about the desperate quest to keep up appearances and bother and worry her children for relief of boredom and to get attention.

Chris, I'm so glad you're getting some peace. I'll have to read back and figure out how you got your mother out of there. Sure wish my own weren't so fixated on money, because I can't imagine how I'm going to sell her on assisted living, but it's late right now and maybe I'll feel more optimistic in the morning.

Lealonnie, that’s what I’m thinking. My mother accidentally threw the cordless phone out in the garbage.

Wow, fall number 62 with your mom and no trip to the hospital? That is AMAZING!! AMAZING she had no broken bones from all the falls.

How is her mood with the Cymbalta? Is she being civil to you?

I’ve been away for a few hours, and now catching up on this thread is exhausting! The common theme is that these NMs cross so many lines/boundaries every day that it eats away at the victim, dominating and ruining their lives. They manage to assume centre stage, and I can say from past experience that while this is happening there is no room or opportunity for you to have a life of your own. Now that my mother is in supported living there is at least some physical distance between us. The UK lockdown means we cannot meet up at the moment. Her landline isn’t being installed until next week and as she is too miserly to use her mobile to call me, her sounding off and complaining has been temporarily silenced. I expect this to change when she gets her phone and when visits are permitted but I’m already clear I’m not tolerating phone misery and will let the calls go to voicemail. I’m also not going to get tied to a weekly visit, especially at the same time and day each week, which is what she would want so she can fine tune her own needs and plans at the expense of others. I’ve come to realise that my mother used up all of my caregiving abilities and energy before she really needed them, manipulating me to take the strain for over 10 years. So now she will have to be reliant on paid for care if and when her real needs increase, rather than assume she can pile the demands on me. I’ve been decorating and renovating her old bedroom here this week. She had really wrecked the place, with hoarded old useless stuff, carpet spillages that hadn’t been cleaned up and damage to doors and furniture. Gradually I am getting rid of the old way of life and introducing the new, and I do feel stronger and better equipped to deal with the next stage of my mother’s demands. I write this partly to vent, but also to keep on saying to others: put some distance between you and your NM, decide what you will and won’t accept, and perhaps most importantly of all, decide what you want from life and make sure that is centre stage rather than your NM.

Shell and Jodi.....dads dead 5+ years and my mother is STILL badmouthing him! Won't even put his photo up in her room! Couldn't stand him but says she did him the huge favor of staying with him and not divorcing him because.......drumroll...........I LOVED HIM SO MUCH!!!!! So it was MY FAULT she stayed with him! He never made enough money, retired too young never gave her enough gifts, didn't treat her like a queen, didn't help her clean the house after working 16 hr days......etc etc Meanwhile, she always had a nice house, car, fur coats, diamond rings, huge wardrobe, bought tons of new stuff constantly, vacations, etc The similarities between these NMs are staggering.

Hellebore.....the whole world save for a few think my mother is soo sweet and wonderful too. Which is seriously annoying. She puts on the Nice Mask for the whole world and the Witch Mask for the family. I bring DH with me whenever I have to deal with her.....hes my buffer.

Stilldealing, my mom plays the passive aggressive drama card with the best of them also. We have a *huge* family - I have something like 24 first cousins - and once the drama gets going things can get crazy. It's dialed down some since some of my mom's sisters have died, but when they were alive they'd all call and stir each other up and you just learned to get the heck out of the way if at all possible.

Since I haven't talked to her for 3 weeks I expect any minute she'll enlist my other family members and our friends to start calling and pestering me to get back in contact with her since there must be something wrong with ME, of course.

It's really hard, because my mother is superficially very charming and charismatic. People who don't know her as well as I do think she's just WONderful though I do think I could get some of my cousins to talk to me about how far into denial she is that she's going to need help soon and how willing she is to dump it all on me.

But in your case, especially since you have siblings, I think I'd dial it way back. Set up a schedule so each of you only has to call every few days, perhaps. And then just refuse to be drawn into it, if you can.

Shell, if it makes you feel any better my nmom left my dad after he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. Right hand to God. As his only child I had to step up and provide support at age 20 when I was trying to go to college and get started in life.... Dad lived another 10 years but at the end I wound up quitting my job and moving back to our family's hometown to take care of him. Mom did pitch in some to her credit, but to hear her tell it she was the heroine in the story of course. I should never in a million years have let her do my dad's probate work (Mom is a lawyer but hasn't practiced in many years because she'd rather do volunteer work which earns the praise and recognition narcs crave.) Long long long story.

Lots in the thread today, I did some cut/paste to try to keep up. So glad I have all y'all to talk to, it makes a world of difference to have other people who not only believe us but are also dealing with what sound like insane behaviors to people who don't know what this is like.

Xray, I can really relate to your mom thinking you'll have no choice but to help her. I haven't talked to my mom for almost 3 weeks now - the precipitating event was her giving $1000 of my stuff away, but I'm prolonging the no contact for a while for a couple of other reasons. 1, I just need a break from her constant negativity, but 2. frankly I want her to have a reminder that I can and will walk away if she pushes me too far. In her heart of hearts she knows she's done some truly rotten things to me, mostly neglecting me as a kid so she could pursue her own interests, letting my half brother psychologically torment me, dumping my dad's care on me when she decided it was too much work, that kind of thing (epiphany here: Mom also never had to help her own mother because she had a bunch of sisters who stepped up to do the work. So she REALLY has no leg to stand on when guilt tripping me to do it!!)

Anyway, she would never admit it but part of her knows she's lucky to still have me in her life. Plenty of people would have walked away from her over what frankly veered into abuse on plenty of occasions, and sometimes I do ask myself why I haven't done that. Maybe because she isn't unvarnishedly awful - she does have some caring and concern for other people and can actually be fun to be around when the narc tendencies aren't front and center. We also have a few hobbies and interests in common.

I wonder if you might try something similar - just walk away for a while. I notice you're telling your mother you don't want to help her but it sounds like you're still talking to her a lot. Maybe if you distance yourself somewhat she'll get a taste of the fact that really, truly you may not be around to help her. (I realize you may have tried this in the past as well - my own approach has been different tactics depending on the situation... I even tried to move away to get away from her but she followed me, as I understand is common for children of narcissists. Long story, again.)

Oh and I absolutely am a high achieving over pleaser. Luckily I recognized that about myself and started really working on it in my 30s - I'm 50 now. It's still something I have to look out for, especially doing way more than my share at work or on projects, etc. My love life was a mess for years but luckily I had the good sense to find and marry another child of a narcissist so it all sort of worked out! Oh, and mother is very wary of DH, since she threatened to disown me if I married him and I told her to step off, then didn't talk to her for four months (her BS ruined a lot of the joy around the wedding, of course.) She knows I will choose him if I'm forced to pick between the two of them so I sometimes make sure he's around if there's some drama going on with her.

Shell

My folks have been divorced for almost 45 years!
My dad passed away 3 years ago!

To this day, she still bad mouths him!
Even though I have repeatedly told her not to do it!

She is relentless!

I was a single Mom for 13 years and I never nor do I now bad mouth my ex, to my kids about their father!

My kids don't need to know all the dirty details. They just need to know that we both love them!

It's so amazing to me that someone can hold onto a grudge for so long!

Xray,
Your not alone! I wasted so many...to many years believing my NM lies and not talking to my dad about them.

My NM tells me that I am just like my dad and she says it with a nasty look on her face like she just ate something bad. She has told me that there was nothing good in my dad and there is nothing good in me! My dad worked his a@@ off to give her a good life. She got to go on vacations. She got to live in the same house for almost 60yrs! She never wanted for anything because my dad gave her everything she could want. She never had to work and if she did work she got to spend her money anyway she wanted. But he wasn't good enough for her!

My heart breaks every time I think about how she tried to make me hate him and how she tried so hard to get me to tell my dad that he wasn't welcome at my house! I thank God everyday that I never told him that because I now realize that would have broke his heart! And she was/is a liar!! The last 5 yrs of his life my NM tried to turn everyone against my dad...I have no idea why!! I pray everyday that my dad forgives me!😢

So your not alone! My NM fed me poisoned too & I never truly communicated with my dad either! The years that were wasted!! Hugs! 💖

Shell,

Oh my gosh. I so agree that less is more.

My husband’s grandmother had stuff everywhere!

She had some really pretty things but they got lost amongst all of the clutter!

Still,

It is all drama, isn’t it? I remember craving peace and quiet every time I visited my husband’s grandmother. They aren’t happy unless they have created drama in their life!

Jodi,

It is easy to miss things in our youth, especially when we were deceived by others, right?

Everyone has regrets. You didn’t do anything that was meant to intentionally hurt your dad.

Everything that is "good " about me is all my Mothers doing.
Everything that is "bad" about me is all my fathers fault!

It breaks my heart to think that I wasted precious years not truly communicating with my Dad because of the poison I was fed by my Mom!

I'm so glad that I was able to spend time with him before he passed!

If I had only known then what I know now!

NeedHelp- Yes, with a NM everything has to be someone else's fault. "Momma Drama" really does want to go to the hospice facility, but she decided to say it was all her children's fault because we want her to go there...even when we ALL just said "No, this really is your decision, you do whatever you want...." she just kept repeating (loudly and rudely), she would go to the facility since that is what 'we' (children) want...and btw- she also tries to act like a know-it-all, and claims she knows everything about everybody and how everything in the world works, and she'll just walk out of whatever facility she is in if she doesn't like it, and 'we'll just have to pick her up" (brag, brag about manipulating her grandchildren to do her dirty work on prior occasions). Previously, i thought about just getting an emergency guardianship to put an end to this crazy train, but now, I really do think its best to just let her have it her own miserable little way. I won't be around to hear her bashing me to whomever will listen, and they won't be around her either. Thanks again. You all know this was another vent. But it helps (I think). Thank all of you for your kind and supporting comments.

Lea,
It makes no sense to put 'Residents Rights' before 'Common Sense.' I have to ask, "does anybody who works there have a half of brain?" Your NM cannot feel her feet...cannot walk...but hey, let's put a size to big sandals on her...oh wait...that won't work so let's put $170 shoes on her...REALLY?? That makes no sense! I feel your frustration and I would be just as frustrated as you! Sending you a hug because you need one!

Still,
Yeah, I would be done too if I was in your shoes! All that work & not one little thank you! I swear these women acted like a 'thank you' would cause the earth to fall off its axle! Nope...just give you dirty looks and plays the 'poor me' card! Well, you are a good daughter because your giving your NM what she wants...she made her bed and now she can lay in it with all her crap! She will reap what she sow & you cannot be blamed! Hugs!!


NHWM,
I never liked certain traits about my NM and I went completely different direction! My NM loves drama...I always made sure no drama in my home! My NM loves to hoard things...I aways did spring cleaning, which included getting rid of things that I stop using, broken, donated old clothes...okay, I do hoard shoes, but that is it! My NM loves nik-naks on every table, cabinet, counters, shelves...not me, I do have a lot, but I keep them packed away and change them out once a year! Less is more! My NM loves furniture that is hard to keep clean & furniture in every space...not me, my time is to valuable to spend 3 hrs cleaning the dining room! Yes, it really takes 3 hrs to clean my NM dining room. That is insane!! My NM love her kitchen to be just as complex as she is...move 4 things to be able get the one thing you need...not me, that is to time consuming and ridiculous! So yes, I went in the other direction!

One last thing, my NM could never tell people no and I can and do everyday!

Jodi,

Yes, they take credit for everything good and in the blink of an eye blame everyone else for whatever goes wrong, right?

Lea,

Your stories about your mom are mind boggling for sure.

My mom had issues with shoes too. It was so frustrating trying to please her.

They get something in their head and it is impossible to reason with them.

I used to feel like my life was viewing one of those ‘victim of the week’ movies on television! LOL 😂 The kind of movie that I NEVER watch.

I used to tell my husband that anyone could turn off a crappy movie but living in a ‘crappy drama’ was horrible!

There isn’t any point in trying to reason with any of it. It’s sad that we wasted so much time and energy on sincerely trying to improve our mother’s lives, when it was an impossible task from the start!

This forum could provide material for ‘victims of the week movies’ plus ‘stand up comics!’

NHWM,

That's funny!!

I've thought for years that my NM should have been a stage Mom.

She's always telling people that she taught me everything I know!

Heaven forbid I should have some natural talent of my own!

Still,

Perfect term, “momma drama.” So sorry that you are dealing with your mom’s drama.

I was chatting a minute ago about memories of my husband’s grandmother.

My MIL often said, “My mother missed her true calling. She should have been a Hollywood actress! She can turn on the charm when she wants something and she can turn on the tears just as easily.”

True statement with my husband’s grandmother. We used to joke with each other saying that she would have won many academy awards for her performances! LOL

Stilldealing,

My heart aches for you!!!

Please know that you're not alone!! We're here for you!!

Do whatever it takes to keep your sanity and still be able to look at yourself in the mirror!!

(((Hugs))) and prayers!

stilldealing, omg what a horrible situation you're all in with your momma drama. Reminds me of the story I've been told about my birth mother who died alone at 57. In a filthy house, with piles of clothing everywhere with flies swarming around, refusing to see anyone, b/c that's what she wanted. In a way, I'm glad I did not get the chance to meet her (she died before I found my biological family in 2000).

You can't save a person from herself, so why try? You are right to wash your hands of this b/c that's what she's asked for. Sending you a big hug; you must be exhausted.

Jodi,

That’s sad. Isn’t it? Sad for her and excruciating for you.

My gosh, helping a mom move that many times would drain the life out of anyone!

Changing an environment can be a positive change but I understand that isn’t the situation with your mom.

Sorry that you have dealt with all that you have.

I feel badly for anyone dealing with parents that are difficult.

I look back on what I endured with my mom and I honestly don’t know how I made it though without totally losing my mind!

Even in the best of circumstances, caregiving is challenging.

In the worst scenarios, it becomes a nightmare.

My mom has her issues but there were good times earlier in my life with her.

Now that my caregiver days are over with her, it’s easier and healthier for me to remember the good times. It’s painful for me to reflect deeply on the negative.

Coming to vent (be warned): spent the whole weekend on senseless 'momma drama'. (She fell, couldn't get up, spent night on floor until brother found her-soiled, of course.) Both brothers call me and ask me to arrange private duty (PD) for that night (4 hours notice) care and get her on a list for a hospice bed. They are understandably desperate. And I get it done. Very well recommended and professional care. Momma Drama starts texting everyone at 4 AM (with nurse aide there), demanding that I show up the next morning (which we siblings all agreed was just so that she could chew on me.) So I didn't respond, or go. Care continues, and now Momma Drama likes the 'little girls' who: bathe her, lift her, change her diapers, clean up her soiled messes, fix her food, carry it to her, and listen to her endless self-serving, history manipulated stories about how great she is...Social Worker came out today to give "the talk" about a hospice facility. I don't really care whether she stays at home with 24/7 nurse aides or goes to facility, and make that clear. So Momma Drama says she'll go to the facility when a bed opens, because that is what 'her kids want' and accuses us of wanting her to go to a hospice facility (all paid) so that we can 'get her money'. (She never earned a dime on her own. All Dad's hard work.) She droned on about how her sister's children all take care of their mother, but her own kids just want her to go to a facility to 'get their inheritance'. Excuse me: brother spent all day fixing your crappy kitchen drain, sister spends every day at your house doing laundry, bringing food, taking care of your dog, trying to catch your cat and find a home for it, other sister drops in and finds you lying in your own filth and its' spread all over house and sister cleans it up even though its disgusting, and I've spent the last 4 days calling multiple aides, hospice workers, social workers, insurance company, hospice facility, coordinating with all 4 siblings so everybody knows what is going on, and you sit there today complaining 'you just want to continue to be independent and enjoy nature', and pontificate about what a wonderful wife (NOT) you were, how your kids are your life (yeah,since you do absolutely NOTHING for yourself) and giving me dirty looks the whole time... Newsflash momma drama, I don't desire anything you have. Period. So last straw today. She says she doesn't care how she dies (she told social worker, nurse aid, sister, husband and me), even if its lying in floor in her own filth, dying in ambulance getting her ribs cracked with CPR or dying alone on a gurney in an ER hall [she won't sign a DNR]. So she can have what she wants. I am done. I have done everything I can do to make a sensible situation out of lunatic. I am not going to listen to her again, go to her house again, or make any effort on her part, because I am going to honor her expressed wishes to die a lonely and miserable death. Here, Mom, you can have it on a silver platter. Don't ever tell a good daughter what you want; you might get it.

NHWM,

Nope, she's not a gypsy! Lol

I think she's so unhappy on the inside, that she thinks changing the outside is going to help her be happy. Of course it's not!!

And she's so wrapped up in her pursuit happiness that she doesn't realize how hard it is on me.

Every time she moves, she says "This is the last time. "

Lord help me!! Lol

And YES, I can identify with your MIL!!

It's very common for children of narcissists to become over pleasers! Again, that's how we earn love!

As over pleasers, we're willing to put our own needs aside to help anyone ! I imagine Chris, Lea, Shell, Hellebore and the others would say that they have been guilty of dropping everything to help a friend in need.

When you finally realize that you're efforts are unappreciated and unnoticed by your narcissistic parents, you start to go thru the same stages as grief.
Anger, guilt, denial and acceptance.

It's agonizing grieving the loss of the parent you never had! Especially when they are still living and dependent on you!

I read this post from time to time because I find the honesty of the posters on here refreshing.

It comes through on my newsfeed.

Plus I remember the misery that my sweet mother in law (only child to a narc mom) had in our family, with my husband’s grandmother.

I used to help out after my mother in law was diagnosed with lymphoma. My MIL would have loved having all of you to talk with.

Oh my gosh, my husband’s grandmother was truly an awful woman. I see so many of her characteristics described on this page.

It’s absolutely amazing that my mother in law was the exact opposite of her mom.

One thing that my MIL said to me, I will never forget. She said, “Most people learn WHAT to do from their mother. I learned what NOT to do from my mother.”

Just curious, do any of you identify with my mother in law’s feelings? My MIL lived her life the exact opposite of her mom!

By the way, my mother in law NEVER did the hands on caregiving for her mom. I think it would have driven her insane to do so.

She was involved in her life but when it came time for needing help she hired caregivers.

It is sad that my grandmother in law died alone in the hospital but she was so hateful that instead of wanting to make peace before her death, she wrote hate letters to everyone in the family.

No one could stomach her behavior anymore and she died completely alone.

Her husband, my grandfather in law was an angel, a wonderful man who lived in a different era where divorce wasn’t acceptable. Poor man died a broken man.

I believe in marriage but I would be lying if I said that all of us wished he would have divorced her, including my sweet mother in law. She told me that as a young girl she fantasized about her father being happy if he would only escape her clutches.

My MIL adored her father but was sad that he allowed her to run the show! He begged her to go see a psychiatrist but of course she refused because she thought everyone else was wrong, while she was perfect with no flaws!

I was astonished when my MIL told me that she never apologized for anything. That’s crazy! No one is so perfect that they never have to apologize. Apparently, she thought she was. Very sad.

I often wonder if she would have been helped with the aid of meds.

It surely would have been a relief for the family if she would have responded positively to medication.

Jodi,

Can’t help but ask, ‘Is your mom a gypsy?’

Sorry for sounding sarcastic but that is a LOT of moving.

That sounds truly exhausting!

Einstein's definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different result!!

I just counted out how many times I have moved Mom!

11 times in the last 20 years!!

That truly is insane !!!

Jodi, your post reminds me of something. My dear dad used to take my NM on a cruise every year. And every single year she'd call to tell me (afterward) that she'll NEVER EVER go on another cruise again b/c they're SO BORING and they're ALL THE SAME and 'your father is soooooooooooooo cheap the bill at the end of the cruise is zero dollars' and yada yada. She'd complain she had a bad time with all their friends they'd go on the cruise with, and I'd listen to same old story over and over again. And every year she'd go AGAIN on a cruise, poor soul, and I'd hear the same story AGAIN. Whenever I'd ask her, why are you going on ANOTHER cruise when all you DO is complain about the last cruise, she'd say I was crazy! She NEVER complained about cruising!

It's 'funny' how we remind these women of what they've said or done and they seem to have NO MEMORY of saying or doing it, isn't it?

Shell, yes, you are right. I got a call from mom's doctor a while ago. UGH. She wants her to wear no shoes for another 2 weeks, but I should buy her 'a pair of cheap sandals in a size too big.' I'm like YOU ARE KIDDING RIGHT?????????? Wasn't it enough she fell wearing the SOCKS she's in, now you want her wearing crappy sandals that are too big when she has no muscle control as it is? WTF? So she said what she needs is the shoes she's got but with a wider/larger toe box. I called the store where we bought them; they've been discontinued. BUT, they have 2 pair in stock; one in her size with a WIDER TOE BOX and one in a 1/2 size larger with a WIDER TOE BOX and I'm like whaaaaaaaat? I'll be right down! $170 for a pair of shoes for a woman in a WHEELCHAIR. But hey, at least they're not cheap sandals that are too big! Oh, I should say she's got an infected big toe from wearing these shoes WITHOUT SOCKS (hello?) b/c of residents rights and all that horse crap. So I hope I made myself clear by saying I DO NOT CARE ABOUT RESIDENTS RIGHTS when it comes to common sense things like wearing SOCKS for a woman who can't feel her feet due to neuropathy! God give me strength and a day OFF from all of this mind chatter.