Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Jodi....mom has been tested 2x a week for Covid in her ALF. Never daily, NEVER. Now they've eased up. Your NM is likely lying like a rug, like mine does, what else is new? When my cousin called to tell her that her son is DYING at 45 from cancer of the brain, my NM said OH JUST LIKE ME. Yeah,,,no matter WHAT anyone has, THESE women have it too, but 100x worse. What a joke

cx,

Right??

I really want to ask the ALF, but the last thing I want to do is rock the boat since Mom has decided to stay put.

It's just so damn hard to understand how a narcissist can tell a bold face lie just to one up us!!🤯

XRay,

I’m so sorry about your brother. So sorry.

I doubt that your mom is being tested that often. My insurance doesn’t pay unless there are symptoms. I can’t imagine that Medicare would cover a test without a good reason.

My daughter teaches at a college. They are tested weekly. Every day, without symptoms, seems excessive, and a bit invasive.

EP,

I'm so sorry!! If there is any positive in this situation, it's that you can love on your brother as he faces treatment! Time to mend fences.

Lea,

Great news about DH's upcoming ablation!!

3 years ago today, my brother committed suicide.
It still hurts, but I've come to terms with it.
I made the mistake of calling my NM to see how she was doing.
"I'm fine", then she proceeded to go thru her latest list of complaints.
I told her that I have been nauseous all day. Her response was "Well I'm nauseous everyday from my medication. "
I tried to change the subject and told her that my next colonoscopy is on April 6th and that I wasn't looking forward to yet another Covid swab up my nose.
Her response "Well this place has swabbed my nose everyday for the last year."

Have any of your LO's in ALF been tested everyday???
It makes no sense!!
And it's the first time she's said anything about that!!

I ask, because I wondering if this is true or a sick narcissistic attempt to one up me! UGH!!!

Piper,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Make time to rest so you don’t get burned out. Solid boundaries will be to your advantage. Prayers are being sent for strength.

Lealonnie, prayers going out to your DH on his procedure. He is so lucky to have you for his support!

Piper, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Sending prayers to you and your brother. Hugs to you piper. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are a loving and compassionate person.

Piper,
Praying for your brother and your family right now. Along with Lea's husband.

Hugs to you both.

EP UGH. 2021 is making 2020 look like a day in the park, isn't it? I'm so sorry for this awful news your brother was given. Everything else takes a backseat to lifechanging news like this, and siblings reaffirm their love for one another during such a crisis. You'll all get through this, together. Good idea not giving your mother the true depth of the news.......no point in it at all. Sending you a big hug and many prayers for everything to work out.

DH has been scheduled for Weds 3/31 for his ablation procedure; in at 2 pm, out the next day, with God's help.

EP, thoughts and prayers for your brother.

Piper,

I am so sorry that you are struggling with all of this.

Will keep you and your family in my prayers.

I’m glad that your husband’s surgery is scheduled. Hoping for a positive outcome.

Take care.

Oh Piper, it's one thing after another for you at the moment. Do what you need to do with your brother and leave any guilt out of it. Love, kindness and compassion amongst and between all of you are what matter now. Sending love and support.

Got a call from DH's surgeon's office that he could come in today, so we are going at 2:00. His surgery will be scheduled in the next week or two.

About an hour later I got a call from my sister and a VM that said to call her back it was very important. So I called back and she gave me the news that my brother has stage 5 prostate cancer. She sent me the report and it's bad. Gleason of 9 and poorly differentiated with evidence of spread. This all just came out this morning. My brother hasn't talked to the doctor yet, but was able to access the report from the patient portal. My sister was crying, and we did not talk about my mom at all.

I know what this means, and it's not good. I called my brother to offer support and I was surprised that he seems to be taking it better than I would have thought. Maybe he is in shock. The only thing we said about my mom is he is not going to tell her how bad it is. My mom knew he was having some tests, but she knows a guy who had it for 30 years and died from something else, so he's going to let her think it's like that. The truth is, it's not.

God I feel so guilty for calling him a loser the other day and ripping on my siblings so hard. My mom's dementia has taken a huge toll on my relationship with my siblings as you all well know, but there was some kind of shift this morning. I am not going to let my brother go through this alone. My estrangement from him is over, it has to be.

I have no idea what the future holds, but I am so overwhelmed and I can not afford to be. I gotta keep it together.

Great news, lealonnie! Wishing both you and your DH peace, joy and health. So glad things are looking up for you both.
Oh so precious about your grandson. Congratulations!

Lealonnie that is fantastic news about your DH!!! I am so happy for you!! Needhelpwithmom, I’m so glad your visit with your mom went well. It is an emotional time for you right now. Hang in there. Hugs going out to both you and Lealonnie!

NHWM & Lea,

Awesome news!!!😘

EP, you sound as though you have a good handle mentally on things!
I know how hard it is to put into practice, but stand your ground!!
You're health is paramount!!

(((Hugs)))

Lea I am so, so very happy for you 😊

Thanks, Chris.

It’s good to have validation of what Lea said. Apparently, prostate cancer is the most common cancer in men.

Yes, with restrictions we do have to rotate visits.

My brother had been in the morning so I was able to go in the afternoon.

The staff are incredibly kind to my mom. I thank them during each visit for their warmth.

I just got home from visiting my mom. She’s in good spirits. She’s comfortable with being there. It was a nice visit.

Lea, that is fantastic news! I am so happy for you and your hubby!

My husband found out about his cancer because he went to the doctor for shingles. When he went for a follow up visit they did labs and that is when they sent him for a biopsy.

Same as your husband, he caught it early and that makes all the difference in the world!

Great new, Lea! That and your new grandson! So much joy!

Happy for you on both accounts!

The visit with the interventional radiologist today was GOOD! No blast of chemo needed for DH! The tumor is CURABLE is what he said. They'll go in through the skin, ablate the thing with a microwaveable something-or-other led by ultrasound, and that's IT. It may grow back, it may not. But once it's gone, it's considered CURED; they key was it was caught SO EARLY, and the only reason was b/c he was having a pain radiating up into his shoulder for about 10 days. I told him CALL THE DOC and he did. Then the pain went away totally. If he didn't call the doctor, this would never have been found!

I think we both breathed a huge sigh of relief in the office. His scheduler will be calling w/i the next 3 days to schedule the surgical procedure in the hospital, which probably will not require general anesthesia, just IV sedation. May have to stay overnight, depends on how much pain he's in afterward. They are hopeful to schedule this for late next WEEK, and we'll reschedule the endoscopy and colonoscopy.

We've been through a lot the past year, even since 2019 when he fell off the back of a truck *passed out* and it turned out he needed a pacemaker. That was July 4th and it's been one thing after another, all very stressful. I'm really hoping we're past the worst of it now and onto happier times, God willing.

NeedHelp, I'd like to echo what Lea said about her dad. My dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer in his 60s. It was treated successfully with radiation therapy and a low dose drug regime. It really wasn't a problem for him as he got older. Hope the hospice visit went OK today. We too have restrictions on visitors: only 1 person each day. Today my nephew went to see my MIL.

Lea,

There is nothing like new life in this world to bring a smile to our face, right? Babies are precious!

The news about your dad brings me hope. It’s treatable when caught early enough.

Lea sending many prayers and hugs that the one and done goes smoothly and DH will be in the clear and on the mend very soon. That is the MAIN thing 💜

In a way your mom having your gma for 25 years is pretty amazing given the low tolerance narcs have for not getting their way. I wonder why she did it for so long? It’s really unfortunate everyone suffered because of your mom’s bad choice.
I can’t even fathom 25 years. No way. I can’t even manage 3.

There is a a lot of talk on this forum about how you can’t force siblings to help, and that’s true. But I am going to pressure my sister when we eventually talk. I’m going to give her the chance to step up and help me, or she can own the whole thing. When I throw up the white flag it won’t be me pressuring my sister anymore, it will be my mother. I’ll be posting pics on Facebook from my latest vacation.

GREAT NEWS NHWM! My dad's prostate cancer was successfully treated with radiation 20+ years before he passed, never to be an issue in his life again, thankfully.

We met our grandson last Thursday and it was wonderful! He was fussing and crying, I held him, he smiled up at me, and fell asleep in my arms while I rocked him.........for 90 minutes!! It was bliss! LOL. Can't wait to see him again and hold him.

Thanks, Lea.

Wishing you and hubby all the best too.

Am continuing to pray for all of you.

We got great news about my hubby. His lab results showed his PSA levels are no longer elevated. Looks like the radiation was successful in treating his prostate cancer. He only has his hormone therapy left to do, plus testing. After that, continual monitoring but I hope the worst is behind him.

Everyone will be looking forward to hearing good news about a positive outcome for your husband.

Your grandson is waiting for lots of big hugs from each of you!

EP: Your post reminds me of my grandmother. She lived with us for 25 years, my mother & she did not get along at ALL (to put it mildly). After 25 years, my mother said ENOUGH and sent gma off to Colo. to live with one of her sisters (2 sisters lived here at the time). Neither sister wanted to deal with gma, after taking turns, so they placed her in a SNF after applying for Medicaid. Moral of the story? Gma became the SISTER'S problem after she lived with my family for a long time. The sister's handled it the way THEY wanted to, and that's that. Perhaps it's YOUR sister and brother's turn to deal with THEIR mother now? If she winds up getting placed in Tx, so be it. When you've had ENOUGH, then you'll hold up the white flag, too, like my mother did. I'm only sorry it took her 25 years to do it!!!!!!!! So many lives were wrecked in that 25 year period.

I had my first jab yesterday (DH had to wait b/c he'll be having ablation surgery soon) and it was free. I feel out of sorts today though, and my arm is very achy (which I was fully expecting) with the Moderna shot. 2nd one on April 20th. Just want the things over with now.

Chris, that's rich.........Easter eggs 'taking up too much room' in your mother's place? Unless she's ordered 100 dozen, I just don't see that, personally. I DO see more manipulation tactics, of course. Sad but typical that she didn't ask about your MIL. What narc ever asks after another person? It's the mememememememe syndrome 24/7. Sending prayers for your dear MIL that she does not experience any pain, worry or agitation now that hospice is involved.

NHWM, sending you a hug and a prayer for peace while visiting your mom in hospice today.

We are going to an appt for DH at 2 pm today with the interventional radiologist about an ablation he will perform for his liver tumor. One shot of chemo will be injected directly into the site, and he's calling the procedure 'one & done' and I pray to God he's right. The IR has a very optimistic outlook on the whole cancer matter here, so WE are optimistic too.

Chris,

Hospice will take good care of your mother in law.

It’s an emotional time, isn’t it?

As you know, I am going through it too right now.

I take great comfort in knowing that my mom is being cared for by hospice.

As a matter of fact I am leaving shortly to visit mom. I have to rotate visits with siblings because only two people are allowed in her room.

Take care.

Chris I'm glad your MIL is not in pain. Hospice is wonderful for end of life care. I'm also glad your DH has been able to have his moments with her, and can see that she is comfortable. I'm sure you are both grieving though, so please be extra kind to yourselves. Sending a hug to both of you.

Your mother not even asking about your MIL is so typical of these narcs. SMH. Also why do YOU have to pick up the Easter Eggs? Chris I am so glad she is out of your house. Just tell her no, deal with her own Easter Eggs.

My mom had her second covid jab about a week or so ago, and myself and DH get our second one April 5 & 6. The vaccines in the US are free. Have you been able to get one yet? Hopefully your mom can/will socialize more at the facility once she is clear from the second dose. Here in the US the roll out was initially slow due to supply, but now it's moving faster.

Lea, you know what's kind of funny about the suggestion that my mom move in with my sister, I mean she has the big mansion like house, is it occurred to me if I throw in the towel, my sister will be the next target, and she knows it. My loser brother would be the last option, if at all. Now there is NO way my sister would ever allow my mom to move in, but if I remove myself from the picture it would force HER to help my mom get into facility care. In Texas.

My sister's text to my husband if truthful should have said "I'm really worried about my sister walking away from this and then I'll be stuck dealing with our mother".

It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

Piper, it is good that your DH is fully aware of the games your sister is playing. It is amazing how these people will try every trick in the book to get things their way. Keep to that united front!

Jodi, you are sounding so much more positive these days - I’m so glad the therapy and medication are helping you.

Mother has her second covid jab on Saturday. Something to be thankful and grateful for, you would think? Instead, she is fussing about the need for me to pick up Easter eggs she has bought (part of satisfying her shopaholic tendencies) as they are taking up too much room in her place. I have visions of her eventually having so much shopping in there that she won’t be able to move. But hey, these days that’s her problem, not mine. During her rant there was no consideration of how my MIL is getting on in the hospice - it didn’t cross her mind to even ask. For the record, MIL is still hanging on but heavily medicated now. My DH managed to speak to her on the phone last night and said she sounded groggy and out of it. A couple of times he thought she’d fallen asleep mid sentence before waking again and carrying on. I’m worried about her, but thankfully she is not in pain.

Just wondering, do you guys in the US/Canada have to pay for your covid jabs? For us, they are free, as part of our wonderful free National Health Service.