Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
Or the statement that really gets under my skin is, “Honey, I look at you like my own daughter,” When she said this to me shortly after my mom died and I couldn’t handle it. I snapped back. “Well, you are not my mom. I had a mom and she’s dead now.” I realize that sounds sarcastic or rude but her comments will rub me the wrong way at times.
She sits on her porch and watches to see who she can pump for information. All of my neighbors are great people accept for this woman.
They try pulling the passive aggressive crap and it’s so insulting to our intelligence. Do they really think that we are so dumb, that we don’t see through their tactics?
I do appreciate that this is a ‘safe’ thread to vent!
That’s so funny! 🤣
The mask mandate around here has been lifted since April and nobody wears them anywhere, except some medical facilities which still require them. Good riddance is what I have to say!
EB, good joke you played on your nosy neighbors!
NHWM, we're ok today, thank you! Spent a while getting the spare bedroom set up. Stepdaughter #1 is coming on Thurs for 4 days and then Stepdaughter #2 is coming the following week with our granddaughter (who's a giant brat) for 4 days. Yay, she says sarcastically. I just love company. Not. SD #1 is fine but #2 and the brat she is raising I just do not particularly like. She's the only one of DHs kids I don't have a soft spot for in my heart, and the child is out of control. Her behavior is horrid with a capital H yet mommy says it's perfect. Yes, she is One of Those Mothers Whom Everyone Despises. The "Not MY Child" mother. The kid bites other kids in school but she's 'just fooling around'. Oh yeah? My kid comes home with a HUMAN bite from a kid who's 'just fooling around' and we'll see how much sh*t hits the fan! She just got asked to leave a cooking class for horrid behavior and get a refund, but mommy said NO, she will STAY in the class b/c she likes it! Nice, huh? UGH.
This might be a poor analogy but in a way it's not much different than dealing with elders. If they are pleasant, kind and respectful they get A LOT more company and attention than the ones who are always nasty and people avoid (like my mom).
Somebody should subtly mention that FACT around your SD2 and maybe she will take the hint and help her daughter act more appropriate.
I'm about to go back online looking for a companion. So far no luck because it's only 4 hours a week. I'm also going to call around and look for other resources. I want to get this rolling as soon as I possibly can.
Fingers crossed 🤞
GOOD LUCK with the interview this afternoon for the aid for NM!! Fingers crossed!!
Thank you Llamalover!
Yay! I hope she’s the one!
Wow! You had a right to be upset. Don’t blame you one bit for mentioning that this behavior was ‘a bit much.’
Do you find this to be a more common attitude now than in the past? I do. Parenting has changed. I realize that we are always evolving as a society. Shouldn’t certain rules be timeless, such as respecting others?
I don’t know about you, but we got a swat on the butt for misbehaving, or a ruler smacked on our wrist by a nun at school.. That either caused a kid to behave or in some cases, kids rebelled.
My parents certainly didn’t ‘abuse’ us. This was customary at the time. I actually found a swat on my butt less painful than if I was told that I couldn’t hang out with my friends. I am NOT saying that we should go back to physically hitting children. I don’t think that behavior should be laughed off though.
I was taught to respect my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, godparents, teachers, neighbors, basically any adult in our lives, but my mom was extremely fair by showing me that we as children were to be respected too.
I will never forget that my sixth grade teacher treated me horribly because my oldest brother had misbehaved in her class. I had straight A’s in her class and this teacher was terribly mean to me, even though I had never misbehaved in her class.
My mom went to see this teacher and said, “Please don’t treat my daughter unfairly. Yes, my son misbehaved in your class and he deserved to be disciplined, but my daughter has been a good student with good behavior since kindergarten.” After my mom spoke to my teacher, I didn’t have any further problems with her.
Your point about showing others respect is so dead on! We have all been surprised when children aren’t disciplined, especially when parents think that the behavior is cute.
My mother was easygoing and my dad was the strict one. I came home late one night around 2am I was only seventeen and he was waiting up for me he told me never come home late like that again. I never did until I was over 21. My mother insisted on respecting others. She always had a good word for everyone and if she could not say something nice or postive about a person she would not say anything. She was a great role model for our family. I never got hit as a kid by my parents. When dad was home we told the mark. He was pretty easy going in a lot of ways, though.
Most of my teachers were fantastic. It was just that one exception in sixth grade. I was paying for my brother’s sins! LOL I suppose that she expected me to behave like he did but when I went home upset and my mom asked me what was wrong, she went to the school and had a talk with her. I really appreciated that.
True, we did receive a good education. My grandparents never raised their hands with my mom. My father’s family did spank him. So, my dad was the one who felt that he had to follow suit. My mom would tell him that he didn’t have to swat us. He eventually stopped.
Both of my parents were about equal in discipline. I think a big expression back then was, “Wait until your father gets home!” Some moms felt it was the father’s responsibility to dole out the discipline. It’s an interesting take. I don’t necessarily agree with this approach. but it was a common method in that era.
Early, sorry for what you went through also.
Wow! I am sorry about your teacher hitting you. I guess a lot of us were smacked by rulers back then. Some teachers were very misguided back then. Nowadays it would be reported as child abuse, right? It doesn’t send the correct message to children.
I was shy as a child too. I believe my shyness was a distinct part of my personality, but also because of the dysfunction that existed in my family. It was incredibly confusing for me to grow up with a brother who had substance abuse issues.
It was a ‘hush hush’ era. There were no outlets back then to discuss anything. My parents didn’t know how to handle it. They felt shame, even though it wasn’t their fault. My parents didn’t even drink. My brother hooked up with the wrong crowd and caved into peer pressure. My mom told us not to speak a word to anyone. I am so glad that there are support groups now and therapy for children now. That wasn’t common when I was a child.
Isn’t is weird how ‘lefties’ were treated then? Do you remember the penmanship drills in school? Of my gosh! They were perfectionists when it came to handwriting skills.
When my father died when I was barely 20, I had an immediate change as my mother needed me. I was no longer withdrawn/shy. I was a completely different person. So yes, out of tradegy came some triumph; I don't mean that to sound callous.
The teacher's name was Shirley and I immediately disliked her, to say the least.
My older brother had a drug problem back in the sixties. I was only sixteen and felt very sad for him. We were close. I remember going to bed and crying over it and very confused. I also remember my mother looking for my brother late at night His so called friends were all drugged up smoking pot or on some drug. My mother was brave and very supportive. She would leave the door open and save his meals on the stove. Back then there was not much help or treatment. My mother deciided to tell my dad after some time passed and he told my brother either drug friends or join the Navy. He entered the Navy at eighteen and turned around within two years. He went to college, majored in English, had his own newpaper service, later became a teacher. I was proud of him. He was always so smart I was so surprised he used drugs. I looked up to him when I was a kid. We had a stable environment with loving parents.
I had years of Catholic school abuse at the hands of the sisters.
Not just hitting but psychological and emotional as well.
What the sisters often used as their weapon of choice was ostracizing. They would call a kid out in front of everyone else and encourage their classmates to bully and ridicule them.
None of this would fly in any school today and that's good progress.
Yeah- that would NEVER fly today but it's crazy what nun's used to get away with while being "teachers".
Well. like I mentioned earlier. I was always grateful to my mom for going to speak to my sixth grade teacher because my teacher automatically assumed that I would act up like my brother had in her class.
When my daughter had a couple of crappy teachers, I did the same as my mom did. Later on, I found out from another mom who attended the same church with her, that her husband committed a ‘white collar’ crime and was going to jail. She was so distraught over her husband that she was taking it out on her fourth grade class! My daughter was coming home with stomach aches every single day, after dealing with this teacher.
I am happy things worked out well for your brother. Mine wasn’t as fortunate. He made a few attempts, even owned a successful business at one time. Sadly, he did not beat his demons in the end.
Yeah, I loved him as my brother and we were close at certain times. I was only about 7 when he started using. So, it was horribly confusing to me at such a young age.
Geeeeez, there are some very odd posts sometimes. Interesting…
my MIL is a covert narcissist. I have Been BLISSFULLY no contact since March of 2020 😃 lots of drama regarding her living in our rental with roommates and hoarding. To many comments and shitty behaviors towards me an my only child Dear Husband.
My husband hasn’t seen his mother since he moved her out of the rental in July of 2020. Yes, her crap and roommates crap stayed in our rental for months! I had to send a formal letter stating we would pay 1 month of storage. Mind you, she had help from my husband, our daughter (17) and flying monkeys to move.
DH has finally come out of the FOG. He still has some work to do in regards to her guilting him over the phone. He hasn’t seen her since July 2020.
Her bday is this weekend and he has offered to have our daughter drive her and her FM (flying monkey) to our cabin property that has been passed to him. Falling apart when we got it.
Im worried she is going to pull some form of guilt and he will get into a funk/bad mood. I’m hoping that DD driving her 1-1/2 hours to and from the property will alleviate her guilting him on the car ride if he had to take her lol. She only shows her crappy side to DH, her brother and me. DD is my child from a previous marriage… so she’s not family (MIL words)
Im torn between wanting her to behave and wanting her to mess up. DH said if she acts up…he has done his diligence in trying to spend time with her.
I refuse to get her a gift. He bought her a card. In the past we would splurge and take her out and she would invite her FM and order to the nines. Also would invite herself and 2 uncles b-day (they don’t get along) they ordered over $350 worth of cocktails and surf/turf grrrr many more stories of her thinking we are her piggy bank (she can well afford things btw) sorry got side tracked 😂.
hugs to you guys in healing from these Monsters!
oh, yeah (ex-foster child here) she has stated more than once to me that we should do things for her because “I know you don’t know this but that’s what family should do” her words. To many shitty comments and behaviors towards me and my husband to even mention here. Good riddance!
Yay! Congrats! Fantastic! Good for you and hubby!
Sometimes that is what it takes, right? Total separation. There’s no in between. It takes totally getting away from toxicity to realize how deadly the poison is.
I am very happy for you and your husband!