Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Jodi......your dog Norman is adorable!!!! 😂

Really "lealonnie?" - She says "I WUV YOU?" I think I'm gonna be sick and we just had a delicious pizza!!

I don't like "baby" talk unless it's coming from a "baby!"

Lea,

I would welcome Italian cookies! Love cappuccino too!

My daughter has found two restaurants in Denver that the chefs are transplants from New Orleans!

She is loving the snow! She says she is getting used to driving in it.

She is having so much fun with her new dog (Siberian Husky) that she rescued.

I love all of the photos that she is sending. I put one as my avatar. He’s my sweet new grand puppy!

I am looking forward to meeting her pooch one day, after hubby’s treatments are over and it becomes safer to travel.

The former owners surrendered the dog because he chased a rabbit and ate it.

He got sick, throwing up and diarrhea. The shelter gave him meds and he’s fine now.

They said they didn’t want to pay the vet bills. Maybe they lost their jobs during Covid, who knows? My daughter couldn’t go inside the shelter due to Covid. She saw him on a Zoom meeting.

Then she drove to pick him up. They walked him out to her car.

Even if hubby didn’t have cancer, we wouldn’t travel during Covid. She says the cases have risen there.

NHWM.....your DD can have the snow. I'm sick of it already and it's only Dec. The almanac said dry winter, liars. The husky is adorable. That's what dogs DO. They chase and kill rabbits, puke and get diarrhea. They eat trash too and need emergency vet visits with IV antibiotics to save their lives to the tune of $3k. People shouldn't have dogs if they don't like messes and won't tolerate vet expenses. Sheesh. That pup is lucky your DD rescued him.

We go to one restaurant here that's owned by a New Orleans transplant.....its called NoNos Cafe. In fact, we had our engagement party there in 2008.

NobodyGetsIt.....yeah, cutesy wootesy baby talk my mother uses because she thinks it makes her look cute. She calls my son by a baby name at 35 and it's nauseating to me.

Our Covid cases have risen here, yes, but our moronic governor is going overboard with fear tactics, as usual. He had it, and so did his boyfriend who was hospitalized, but Polis was fine. COLO is #20 in the US at 300k cases since last March, yet Polis tells us 1 in 60 have it, which is obviously not true! We are not traveling either, but the fear mongering is getting to be too much for most of us.

Just got a text message from my brother in Colorado.
It's almost 11 PM, and he's worried because Mom didn't answer her phone!
I'm so sorry, but WTF am I supposed to do about it at this point in the night??
There just aren't enough words!🤬🤬🤬

"lealonnie1,"

Did your mom start talking that way when she got dementia or as she hit her 70's - how embarrassing for your 35-year old son! I really feel for ya - smh because it boggles my mind that there are really people like that!

NobodyGetsIt: She's talked that way her entire life........she thinks baby talk is cutesy wootesy. In fact, she thinks SHE is cutesy wootesy. :(

We are on our way over there now for a window visit; it's very cold and windy outside & I am bundling up like crazy. God give me strength.

"lealonnie1,"

Wishing you and your DH godspeed as you head over to do a "window visit" - being that it's very cold and windy, hopefully you can cut the visit short.

Wow! her entire life - there are no words - I know you have some "choice" words though!!!

Good luck -

Well the window visit was craptastic. My mother said she told her caregivers to sneak into the Executive director's office last night to snatch up the 10 boxes of chocolates I bought for the staff so SHE could hand them out as she saw fit! The girls said Sure but found the door locked, fortunately. I told her, you are going to get these girls FIRED and she says I DON'T CARE. Just another day in paradise.

Oh lealonnie, Wow your mother actually told the staff to do that.? You were so nice to buy 10 boxes of chocolates for the staff. You must have told your mother or the staff told her you bought them chocolates, right? Too bad about the visit, but maybe next visit will be better. At least the staff can still have their chocolates.

I find (same type of mother) that it's out of guilt and programming. A narcissist isn't able to give love. Life, especially yours now that you're a caregiver, is all about them. Dementia makes this a million times worse. As their life consumes yours it's natural and normal to question this and try and sort out what, exactly, this is doing for YOUR life. I've gotta say, from my experience, it adds nothing to my life. It just continues eating away at it.

I'll be 60 in a couple of years and both parents are still living. The house is, basically, a nursing home. They are served 24/7. What you'll get from a narcissist is nothing. They are unable to give anything emotionally. They're not wired that way. Hypersensitive to criticism, never wrong, gaslighting you, criticizing you...the list is endless. What I've found is that all the compassion, empathy and caring we need has to come from ourselves. Their needs are so great, so constant, so all encompassing there is nothing left over for you.

Congratulations that you are going to a therapist!! That's a fantastic positive step in taking care of YOU. Sometimes you just need to vent and be validated for your feelings. I wish you well and hope that your journey to loving yourself is smooth and swift. You deserve it.

Thanks Exhausted!!

What I find that Really Sucks...is that I have to take care of somebody who never took care of me!!

Exhaustedone,
You hit the nail right on the head!

I'm glad I found you all here. Been a caretaker for my mother after her stroke in February (moved back home from clear across the country). Some days, I feel like I'm going insane with the constant gaslighting, dishonesty, and cruelty spewing from her. And support groups have been hard to find during covid. Relieved to be here!

Nyc2ca, sorry to read how difficult things are for you. Do try and find some space for yourself, and feel free to vent as much as you want here. You are in good company with people who understand what you are going through.

I actually walked out on my mother today because of manipulation and the guilt I don't make many trips there to visit even though I hear from her daily it's taken me 55 years to realize she has narcissistic behaviors I am at a loss as to what to do to help my father will need help I have a brother and a group home that needs overseen as well she tells me she needs help but when I offer it she doesn't want it! Is constantly putting me through guilt trips I just don't know where to begin how to go about dealing with nothing I say or do is ever good enough my poor father stays in another room or outside just to get away I do work a full-time job I want to be there for my parents and I also want to be able to help with my brother it seems that my relationship and I try to have with my father is always ruined by my mother it's such a complex confused situation I should add that I have yet to start the caregiving I'm not sure how to help any advice would be greatly appreciated it's hard to deal with because I am so belittled and put down

Helpseeker,
Welcome to the club! A club that we all wish we were not in, but we are!

Stop trying to please and/help your mom! She doesn't REALLT wants the help!! She just want you jumping from one foot to the other while you are jumping through loops!!!

I have learned so much about this in the last week or two; however, I figured out years ago that my own mother was making me do the same thing. She would make me feel guilty for not helping her, but when I tried to help or ask her what she wanted help she would tell me "oh, I'm fine!" Or "I can do it by myself!" Then turn right around and make me feel guilty! I just stopped! If she really needs help then I'll help her, but if she doesn't ask for help I sure don't bother in offering to help!

Someone told me this is the game that narcissistic mothers love to play, so stop playing. Read the posts on this thread. That is what I did and there were SO MANY similarities stories that I had to face the fact that my mother was a NM!

There are some very wise and knowledgeable people on this subject that can help you!

Lealonnie1 has posted I think it is on this thread or its in "I heard my mother talking behind my back" thread 25 signs of Narcissistic.

Your not alone! There really is to many of us with dysfunctional mothers!

Hugs!!!

Welcome Helpseeker. Here is the link Shell mentions

https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/#3

Helpseeker and Nyc,

You're truly not alone!!!

There are many of us here caring for narcissistic parents!!

I recommend the book "Will I Ever be Good Enough ", by Karyl McBride! You can find it on Amazon.

Since I have discovered the truth about why my mother is the way she is, and how it's affected who I am, it's kinda led me down a rabbit hole! It's very painful at times, but it's the path to healing!

I want to believe that we can still care for someone who treats us badly. I have been doing tons of research!! Reading, YouTube and therapy.

Learn all you can! Set boundaries and work hard (and it is hard) to stick to it!!

We're all here for you!

Merry Christmas!!

So Christmas is just about over, and after a 3 day ceasefire while she silently took all the festive foods and drinks on offer, Mother is back to her abusive self, marching into the kitchen this morning, before we'd had breakfast or even a drink. "Are you taking my prescription in to the chemists today then, or what?" "What?". It is Christmas weekend, Sunday, a bank holiday tomorrow and she already has 2 months' supply of her meds. And no one will process the prescription until Tuseday anyway, when the shops all open again. Not to mention the fact that I would actually like to get up and satisfy my own basic needs before being hit with demands and manipulation. Sorry to vent, but this kind of behaviour just ruins the day before it's even started. A small thank you for my efforts over Christmas would be nice...

Chris, I feel for you. I'm glad she is almost out of your home! Let me ask you something, when your mom barked out her request for meds she doesn't need what would have happened if you said- "What do you mean OR WHAT? I'm relaxing today, did you not notice all the work *I* did over Christmas??"

Would do you think her comeback would have been?

Piper, interesting that you should ask that. Had I said what you've suggested, the reply would have been along the lines of " well I'm sorry I'm such a burden to you", self pityingly, and could have been the start of another argument. As it was, I explained firmly that no, I wasn't doing that today, and that we would do it when next at the shops on Wednesday. I've been trying to adopt the tone taken by professional caregivers, as they have clearly been trained in this way, so it must be a suitable way to respond, and also it avoids any decent into rage and argument. But yes, some appreciation of one's efforts would be nice....

I would also add that a life without love from your mother is like a permanently missing piece of jigsaw puzzle. You can spend (and waste) a lot of time searching for it but it will never be found. Life is lacking a dimension, just like the puzzle never being finished. The best you can hope for is to set aside that puzzle and start on new ones (ie more fulfilling relationships with others) where you know you have all the pieces to make something complete.

When my grandmother would dissolve into those self-pitying tears of "so sorry I'm such a burden, I'm a poor old woman" my mother would turn her back and walk away.

I learned early on how not to get manipulated. Fortunately, my mother never resorted to that sort of behavior.

That's interesting Barb. I think my mother is full of astonishment that her kind of behaviour isn't working any more, as I start to set boundaries and thus break the habits of a lifetime. I've always been the villain and scapegoat even when trying to appease, so I've finally realised that I should push back and claim my own space - she can't think any less of me than she already does.

Good for you, Chris. Keep up the boundaries!

I totally agree on adopting the tone that professional caregivers use.

You are no longer a 12 year old arguing with mommy. You are the adult in the room.

Well said Chriscat about "not having the love of a mom is like not having all the pieces of the puzzle" it is so true!! And your right...it is better to just put that puzzle away!

I've been catching up on all your posts.

I think it's validation for so many of us!! You're all AMAZING!!

Tomorrow is the day I have been dreading for weeks!!

I am bringing Mom from ALF to stay for 2 days so she can see my daughter and her 2 daughters.
Although my daughter is not happy about seeing her Nana while she's here visiting, she understands.

Praying that God will put a lock on my tongue and a hedge of protection around my heart!

xray - I hope it's your mother's tongue that will be stifled. Maybe you can try some earplugs so you don't have to hear her. Or try to imagine yourself as a duck and your mother's words as water falling down and bouncing off your back.

I hope you will enjoy your time with your daughter and grandkids.

I feel relieved to hear my thoughts and my life. This sounds just like me. I love her! I honor her despite the fact that she had reverted back to those ugly ways. Cursed out, called unattractive, or her making sure that I know I'm a disappointment. It might sound crazy but I've learned to laugh instead of cry. In the moment it isn't funny but after I go to my room I think about it and finds humor in how she said it, her facial expression, and sometimes what she says is just funny how she words it. It's never easy but its more peaceful when I don't get offended or just dismiss it. Some people in the beginning told me to just let her act out and say nothing because she didn't know better. Well they didn't have a narcassistic controlling verbally abusive mother who at CV threatened physical harm. I thought back to when my son was very young and his schools demanded me to medicate him for his OCD (he has high functioning autism). His doctor was great she said the diagnosis and the behavior are two separate things to address. If that person can choose who and when they display that's a behavior that you must deal. with. Eventhough the diagnosis can and does often affect the thinking. Well mom only singles out me. That's how she was before her illness. So when she belittles me I choose to stand in my new boldness and I don't respond to her. I don't make eye contact and look straight past her. I continue what I'm doing as if she were not there. Most of the time it works because she wants to get a hurt victimized response from me. She wants to know I'm hurting. Sometimes I say did you know that you called me out of my name and a few times she knows. She will apologize and calm down. Other times it doesn't work and I must find humor& lots is prayer .