Today I had my first appointment with an actual therapist (not a counselor).
Even though one hour wasn't long enough to spew out everything I need to talk about, this woman completely picked up on 2 truly major points.
1) Even ONE of the stressors I have been dealing with over the last year is more than enough to warrant therapy!
2) I have been the "caregiver " for everyone in my family since I was 12 years old!
She asked me what I do for myself?
I had absolutely no answer!!
Hence therapy!! Lol
Caring for a narcissistic LO is a labor of love!
Not because they will love us back, but because we need to love ourselves!!
How do you keep caring selflessly for your selfish LO?
What do you do for yourself?
(((Hugs)))
I used to watch Antiques Roadshow religiously years ago, but no more these days. I watch American Pickers though. I'm like Mike & Frank; I never saw a pile of junk I didn't want to root through!
Llama...........glad you were able to make a dentist appointment. Why do you go to sleep at 4 am? Do you guys work late or something? I'm a night owl myself but I can't stay up later than 2 am. LOL
So glad you found us!
This has become a safe place for us to vent, ask and give advice!!
You are most definitely not alone 🤗
NHWM,
I'm doing well!! Gearing up for gigs with the band, looking forward to planting (I went to the nursery today!!) and our summer on slot of guests starts next week!
Aoi,
Love everything you post!!😊
Hellebore,
Happy birthday!!🎈🎉🎈
I have to laugh!
My DH and I went to visit NM this afternoon.
She was so welcoming when we came in!
I forgot something in the car and as soon as DH left the room, she started in with a nonstop barrage of complaints and negativity.
The moment he returned, she was on her best behavior!
Ugh!!!
(((Hugs))) to you all!!
Praying for your speedy recovery!!
Take care of yourself!😘
Psalms,
I Love my flowers!
You're so right! Gardening is very therapeutic!
There's just something about getting your hands dirty to make something grow that heals the soul!🌻🌼🌺
Yes they do!! And always at the most inopportune times!! Lol
Hang in there!
I yelled at him as we left the building and the staff heard! Now my husband (the enabler) is upset with me. I've had a year of counselling and thought I was on top of this resentment of her monopolisation of MY husband and my anger at him for giving in to her all the time, but it appears not...
My brother just says 'Oh dear, what a shame, and it will only get worse,' secure in the knowledge that we live closer than he does and have to bear the daily brunt of it.
I shouldn't be reading murder mysteries - putting ideas in my head!!
My DH has a different approach to me - it can be so frustrating at times! I am the future planner, marking out my boundaries with precision. No bathroom help, no driving, no at call no more is my line. He, however never fell down the slippery slope as far & being a more spontaneous person just decides yes or no on the spot. But I now make sure his yeses don't involve me. If he gets a call to do something he will need to go alone. (If I was there I may look too helpful).
Would that work for you? Even separate visits? You do *visit only* cuppa & cake etc. "I already saw Mom earlier this week, not going this weekend" kind of thing. He could do whatever in his visit time - you won't have to watch. Wonder if Mom's sport of husband-snatching would then lose some appeal.. or maybe DH suddenly finds excuses not to visit 🤔
Does the AL offer escorted doctor appointments & assistance to mail letters? If so, are you willing to delegate these tasks?
If you listen to this when your stress level is about to blow up your cranium, and it doesn't give you instant relief, let me know.
I was typing a journal entry just a little while ago and was about as mad as a wet hen gets. When this played on my playlist. I was struggling to finish the entry. All I could do was get sucked into the angelic voices. So, I just gave into it and after, I thought I really, really needed to share it.
Wear headphones/earbuds or full volume on the boom box to get the most out of it.
🌄🌅☀️🌞😇👐😇☀️🌅🌄
https://youtu.be/byebx3vQFD4
🌄🌅☀️🌞😇👐😇☀️🌅🌄
Note: this is a YouTube version, if you have a music service, it'll sound much better
Chris: "While I’m posting here I could just do with some advice about MIL’s funeral. My SIL is trying to take over and assume centre stage by wanting to read a tribute at the funeral, in addition to the one the vicar will give….At my FIL’s funeral she took over certain aspects of the day, without prior warning, and left my DH feeling marginalised."
This sounds like really classic narc behavior. Unfortunately if she’s like my nmom, there’s really nothing you can say to get her to feel any shame or even to realize what an exhibitionist she’s being. Maybe you could set something up with the church staff to keep her remarks EXTREMELY short, like a minute or two. My guess is this is very much about attention and to set herself up as the most important bereaved person - my nmom does stuff like this all the time.
Speaking of, I honestly had to laugh a minute ago while writing a remark on SM in reply to a comment nmom had posted - she was making a big deal about a party one of my cousins had for my aunts on my mother’s birthday a few years ago, without running it past me. (This is the cousin all my aunts favor because she married a super rich guy, so she can afford to fete and spoil them, both because she’s rich and because she doesn’t have to have a job like we mere mortals. Honestly I’ve done a fair amount of work on myself over this- the cousin has a bunch of mental issues as one might imagine and honestly I feel sorry for her more than she probably thinks I do. When you marry for money you earn it in myriad ways. DH and I do pretty well, we’ll never be filthy rich but we are *tight* - I know he has my back 100% of the time and vice versa. I don’t think I’d trade that kind of companionship for any money in the world.)
Anyway I was thinking about how nmom would never realize how gross it was that my cousin commandeered my mother on her birthday without mentioning it or inviting me! But that you all would get a kick out of it. Honestly narc is shot through my whole family, don’t get me started on another cousin who decided to move 2000 miles away from our hometown area without telling anyone - instead he posted on Facebook about some detail related to selling their house. No feelings matter except his and his horrid wife’s I’d imagine.
"Hellebore, happy early birthday! To celebrate I think you should buy yourself a Louis Vuitton purse and gorge on chocolate cake! Who cares if you need to second-mortgage the house for the purse? I'm sure DH will understand the necessity of owning a Louis by the time we're 70."
Thanks Lea! Actually I’ve been in the process of downsizing and trying to do something about my shopping addiction (didn’t realize what it was until I started getting ahold of it, shoes and bags have always been my downfall.) Now that I’m turning 51 this week I’m realizing I really don’t need all this stuff and there are more productive ways to entertain myself and get the dopamine hit it seems we ADHDs are always chasing. I started crocheting this year and honestly it’s been a lifesaver - something to do to keep me busy and think about, as well as talk to others over. I also do a lot of gardening and baking, we would all probably have a lot to talk about if we could have a get together. I’m also an eBay seller trying to get rid of some of the stuff!
Spouse wants to go to the antique mall sometime tomorrow or Monday since it’ll be bad weather on the day. Not sure if I can trust myself to resist buying stuff or not - guess I can always pretend I’m in a museum which sometimes works.
Soooo sorry helenB. My mom makes plays for my DH attention also. Luckily he’s usually smart enough to see it coming and step out of the way, but, soooo annoying.
Sorry also to Llama, I have bad teeth- 9 root canals!- and have been putting off a dental visit since I know it’ll be a nightmare after going a year. Thanks for the reminder to get it done.
Also welcome WhenItRains and to a few other new members. You're among friends here who know how it is - no complaint is too trivial!
I found this composer/pianist 1 year or so ago: Stanton Lanier. Piano does it for me...
https://youtu.be/OLUxz-m3K_4
Hellebore, break out the Beach Boys 🏄
That would drive me crazy too if my DH was getting all the praise and I was doing everything to help her! Just go see her separately so you never have to deal with that from her again.
On the other hand, in my case, my mother in her later years was miserable to me when I went by myself. When I brought my DH with me my mom would be on her best behavior and not treat me like crap. She would be all pleasant when he was around.
Happy Birthday!🎂
The Clinic that my DH works at is having a spring party to make up for the Christmas party cancelation due to Covid.
He told me he was in charge!
He secured a venue and a caterer.
I asked him at dinner last night if he had thought about a theme and decorations? (Let's face it ladies, guys don't think about party details!) He said he had not, but was thinking of asking his Nurse to help us set up. I told him I will take care of it. Only 2 weeks!!
I spent 2 hours purchasing my brainchild from Amazon. Red, white and black theme. I found these red balls that look like Corona virus to use in the center pieces of Mason jars with battery powered fairy lights, white table cloths with red and white gingham over the top, I could go on.
So when I told my DH that I had it covered, I got crickets! So I said, "You're welcome "!
He then proceeded to tell me that "Kristen" is in charge of decorating .WTF!!!
Never once has he mentioned anyone other than him having any part in planning the party!!!
Am I wrong to want to hit him in the head with a frying pan??
I have to wait till Monday to talk to Kristin. DH doesn't have an employee contract list.
I don't want to cancel my order until I talk with her.
I'm sure I can send everything back if she's already gotten supplies. I can only hope that I haven't stepped on her toes!
UGH!!!
You're so right!
I have learned that I can't EVER share my frustrations with my hubby to my NM. She'll use it in the future!
And If I share the wonderful plans I made, she'll tell me what she would have done to make it better!!😝
And Chris, our band is playing at this event. I already bought a cool vintage looking dress and a vintage hat too!😎
Ok, this is all I have been doing in the last 4 days...packed 17 boxes of nik naks and still not done...did 11 loads (which included ours, my NM's clothes & pajamas & towels & blankets) of laundry, which I am still not done. My NM had 22 pairs of pajamas & still counting. I have thrown out the ones with stains & very used ones & the rest will be donated into a 'clothing drop box.' This woman had more towels then anyone could ever need, so, I am washing them and keeping the ones I want and donating the rest to my local animal shelter. (Already have 2 big garbage bags to donate.) However, I still keep finding more towels! Heavy sigh!! Took out of my NM'S room 9 bags of garbage, which are mostly papers, old magazines, and just little things that are broken and not worth anything (still have more to do). Packed 3 med size boxes of books and still counting...I really could open my own book store! Plus, my SO & I installed a hot water heater yesterday! I am exhausted! I hope my NM is looking down on me thinking "what was my HUMAN SELF thinking leaving that big mess!"
Lea,
When you said, "that my NM is finally at peace, which she never had in life." You hit the nail on the head!
I found so many self helped books, psychology, astrology, different religion, medical books all on How to love yourself, how to heal yourself from depression, how to except who you are and more. Some of these books go back to the 70's. She was looking for answers about herself & how to love herself & why she was the way she was...if that makes sense. She was even looking to the stars for answers! I also found little notes to herself stateding 'why it is important to love yourself.' "How do deal with having kids and the pressures of being a mom," How very sad!!
If you ladies never hear from me again that would mean I killed over from cleaning out this house!!! Ugh!!!
Happy belated Birthday!🥳🎉🥂 🎂 🎈 🎈 🎁
Bundeofjoy,
Your property right. The stress being abused and living with uncertainty everyday is to much for a child! Even now, I have nightmares when I am overly stressed.
Piper,
Thank you! It really was a punch in the gut. Who would do that to their child? I am still having a hard time wrapping my head around all the things I know she did to me, but to find out more crap she did. Just today, I found a recipe that I use to make all the time as a kid and once again I found it with her stuff and here I thought I lost it!! Nope!!
Llama,
Thank you for your support & kind words! I am glad you were able to get into the dentist. I know when my teeth hurt I feel like crap & don't feel like doing much. Plus, you always have to think about what you can & cannot eat...Ugh!! Get feeling better my friend!💞
Xray,
You are not wrong for wanting to hit DH. I probably would have punch my SO in the arm...don't worry he has big arms & he can take a hit from me! LOL! Well, your decorations sound lovely. Their lost!!
Lea,
My parents have a great deal of pictures & art work. Some of the artist's name on them & some don't. My dad always told me to not sell the pictures & art work to just anyone for any amount because some are worth money & some aren't! Of course, he never said which was which! LOL! So I'll be holding on to them for awhile! I have had 'family members' & others asking for some of those things and I told them all "nope!" Of course, a few I will keep because I like them!!