Caregiving for a narcissistic mother. Do we do it out of love or out of years of guilt and programming?

Caregivers shouldn’t be expected to run on fumes.

It’s important to refuel. I wish there was a vaccine that would eliminate guilt.

God knows many caregivers need an injection that would destroy guilt from their lives!

Xray,
I love cooking and baking. I am a very good cook. I am an ok baker. There is something about cooking that calms me down. It reliefs my stress level. Ok, the next thing I tell you, it will probably make you laugh, but I dance in my basement. It might me 5 minutes...it might be 20 minutes. My sig-other has caught me singing out of tune and dancing around. I just put on one of my YouTube play list and let the music take me away. It is ok to laugh at me! My honey laughs at me when he catches me doing it. It helps me to get out my frustration and tries me out. I play Mahjong on my phone. I listen to the Word of God when I need hope, reassurance, or I just feel like killing my mother and hate my life.

The one thing I have always done is make my bed inviting. Probably sounds crazy, but I am insomniac and even though I am on meds to help me sleep. I still make sure that my bed and bedroom is my safe haven. Very good quality sheets, pillows, and blankets. Nice warm cozy fannel sheets in the winter and really soft cool sheets for summer. My sheets are dark colors because that is what makes me comfortable. I have a therapeutic candles I burn when I need it. I just bought a little Christmas tree that lights up for my dresser. If things get to overwhelming for me I give myself a time-out in my bedroom. I also write and sometimes I will post them on "On my Mind" thread. Get lost in a good movie or book. I also have some really nice hand lotions. I just bought a bottle of "Twisted Peppermint" from Bath and Body Works. It is one of my favorites and it makes me feel special.

What I want? To not had/have a NPD mother and a shot of NHWM vaccine. The real thing I want is 'My Freedom' back. Xray, I'll have to get back to you on this one.


Sitting here writing this made me think about my dad. He worked 70 to 100 hrs in the restaurant business. But he always did things for himself. Whether it was buying himself a new toy, his idea of a toy was a new TV, Boise system or some lawn thing. He worked on the yard, worked on the house, made things from old pipes or molds for concrete. He would buy himself a new jacket and we always went on day trips, three day trips and vacations. My point is, he showed me and he did tell me "you have to take care of yourself." I guess, I am a lot like him. I do make it a point for me time.


Xray, you matter too! You have to learn to crawl before you can run. It is very good that you made a decision about where to go for dinner, even if you really don't care...it is a start!

I will have to find that book. Thank you Chrisacat and Xray. Lea pass the ice cream!

Our NPD mothers are bottleless pits that can never be filled...EVER! We can't love them enough, we can't do enough for them, nothing is 'Ever' enough. I am learning that it really doesn't matter what I do for my mother it will never be enough! She is internal empty and she thinks external things will fill her, but it won't...it can't! I could give my mother every material & emotional thing in the world and it still won't fill her. She is a black hole! All our mothers are!!!

Shell,

Don’t give up. You will have your freedom back one day.

We will all celebrate with you. You will feel enormous relief!

Shell,

I love to sing and dance too!!
I've done a couple musicals at our community theater.
Always, Patsy Cline is slated for February. If my voice comes back(I have lost my singing voice with surgery 2 months ago), I plan on auditioning. I LOVE Patsy!!

I love to bake, but then I have to eat it!!! Lol

What your favorite thing to bake?😋

Xray,
I can't sing, but I sure do love to dance.

I usually bake brownie. Sometimes I will bake cookies. This year, I am going to try to bake Llama chocolate cake recipe. Like I said, I am an ok baker. Cooking is where I shine.

I pray you get your voice back, so that you can sing.

Thanks Shell,

I have my grandmothers Betty Crocker cook book from 1953.

There's an awesome Christmas cookie recipe that I have used several times. Labor intensive, but Yummy!!

You've inspired me!! Maybe I'll do some baking!!

Shell says, " She is internal empty and she thinks external things will fill her, but it won't...it can't! I could give my mother every material & emotional thing in the world and it still won't fill her. She is a black hole! All our mothers are!!!"

This, THIS is why many of these women become HOARDERS. They buy & buy & buy 'stuff' to fill that empty void inside of themselves. And they never DO, which is why they keep buying more & more. Taking more & more. Nothing is ever 'enough' b/c nothing can fill an internal void.

Happiness & peace come from within. In these women, there is nothing 'within' to draw upon. No real sense of 'religion' either, I have found. My mother talks a good talk, but has no real BELIEF to back it up. So there's no spirituality to draw upon either, further deepening the void.

It's sad, really. It's a lack inside of THEM that translates to demanding more from US, which we can never give them b/c there is no such thing as enough or something WE can give them. Nobody has that to give.

I call it the 'if only syndrome'. If only I had............money, a house, a child, a husband, a good job.............THEN I would be happy. So the NM gets those things and is STILL just as unhappy as she was before she had them. Then starts raging at US to 'give me what I NEED' when she herself has no idea WHAT that may be!

Shell: You won't be disappointed with the chocolate cake when you make it. That cake was eaten fast one time at a family reunion.

Lea,

You're so right!!

So many of us try to fill the immense hole that we've been left with.

Hoarding, drugs, alcohol... None of it will help until you help yourself!!!

The good news is that there can be healing! There is hope!!

I'm so grateful for the positive feedback that I have received from you and many, many others!!

Lea,
You are right on! My mother was a little hoarder when I was a kid, but as time moved on, she started to hoard more and more. It got so out of hand that a 4 story house became so full that there was no room for anyone else and her truck was full and so was the garage. It took 2 big dumpsters, many trips to St. Vincent, and we still will need 1 to 2 dumpsters and many trips to donate. I have given away so many things that she bought with the price tags still on them. What a waste!!!

Lea, you just answer another question I was wondering about. My mother would tell you she knows Jesus, but I find that hard to believe. This morning I woke up wondering "Is my mother a believer?" I believe the answer is no! So, thank you for answering that question! Perhaps, God is using you to help me make some kind of sense out of all this.

You are correct that NM have nothing to draw from therefore, leaving them; empty! I am starting to think they are empty shells that walk around making life miserable for everyone who comes into contact with them.


Llama,
I have no doubt that I won't be disappointed in making your cake. I am just worried that I will mess it up. I am not the best baker. I will let you know how it turns out. 😋

Xray,
I am glad that I inspire you to bake some cookies. 😋 I have the same cookbook too! Haha

I can identify with this hoarding. For example, my mother has boxes and boxes of everyday toiletries of the same type (shampoos, soaps, creams, make up, say) that are opened and half used, as well as boxes of unopened stuff too. It's like a constant desire to treat oneself with something new rather than use up the older stuff first. She complained about wanting her bedroom decorating a year or so ago (only because a neighbour was getting hers done). I told her we could do nothing until she started to use up some of her stuff so as to create some space to work in. Nothing happened, as she cannot bear to part with anything. I wondered if, with a narcissist, this is linked to not being able to "give", only to "take"? Sorting out a room would involve "giving" stuff away - to a charity shop or the refuse collection. And constantly buying more stuff presumably feeds the narcissist's sense of entitlement? She has a good sized bedroom and more storage space than I and my husband share, but it is still not enough and things are spilling out everywhere. I think it is the same with her prescription medication - and as this is free for her in the UK there is no incentive to only order what she needs, so she orders everything each time, regardless of whether she needs it or not. Clothes too, include things that are decades old and never worn. I am looking forward to sorting all of this stuff out when she moves out.

Hey Shell, glad to hear that I am helping you learn about your NM via my experiences with my NM. "Funny" thing is, her mother was devoutly religious; my mother made terrible fun of her all the time saying it wasn't 'real' and that she was only 'pretending' to be religious, and that she was petrified to die. Which was not true at all. Grandma died at 91 with a smile on her face because she was looking forward to eternal life, which she had said her whole life. Nowadays, it's my MOTHER who's petrified to die. Says she wants to ALL the time, and will jump out the window (gee, sorry you're on the 1st floor mom) to kill herself, but in reality, she is constantly seeing the doctor for a WART on her knuckle which she's had for 5 years! Hundreds & hundreds of $$$$$ have been spent on this, dozens of bottles of Compound W, 2 'skin lesion removals', and STILL the wart persists! So much for 'wanting to die', huh?

Anyway, there is one thing in this world my mother WORSHIPS. Adores, lusts after, longs for more than anything. It's MONEY. She loves to talk about winning the lottery. As if it would change her life, at 94. I've often asked her, and so has DH, HOW would winning the lottery change your life ma? She can't answer that, she just knows she'd be HAPPY then, with all that money. She talks about 'being rich' with stars in her eyes. Meanwhile, she's always had a nice life; cruises, a nice home, new cars, etc. She lives in a Memory Care ALF that costs $6500 a month without all the extra's she 'needs' on a monthly basis. All the stuff she can't LIVE without, Chriscat, the endless perfumes and toiletries, etc. Sigh.

Anyone else's NM super obsessed with money? It's all she talks about! How much things cost, how come the ladies in MC have DIAMOND RINGS (Meanwhile, she has a 2.5 carat nearly perfect pear shaped solitaire HERSELF!!), how does someone 'get all her money?' as if she's POOR, living the way she does!!! It's all JEALOUSY based, which NMs are infamous for, too............everything is about jealousy & comparisons: who has more, who looks better, who's thinner, who's prettier, etc. Sad but true. I grew up hearing how EVERYONE was JEALOUS of me and that there is NO SUCH thing as a 'friend'; the only friend I would ever have in my LIFE was my mother.

:(

Lea,

My NM used to tell me the same thing!!
All of the other girls hated me out of jealousy.!
When I was 16, she actually told me that SHE was jealous of me!
Who does that??

Lea,
Are you sure are mothers aren't related?

I grew up hearing about how my mother was going to win the lotto; the sad part is she almost did. The shop were she worked at did a lotto pool: however, the day my mother was to give her money for the lotto she fell down 2 flight of stirs at her work. Well guess what, they won! Each person won just a little over 5 million dollars. She didn't see a dime!! She sued her work and won 25,000 which was gone in less than 2 weeks. My mother would tell you she doesn't care about money, but she is use to ask me to give her money. I would asked her "why?" "You don't go any where! I do all your shopping!" So now, she will ask, "will you buy me this or that?" I'll answer " we'll see, let me think about it!" That is the very line she use to say to us kids! LOL

Speaking of diamond rings. My dad had a 3ct (I think, it might be 2ct) specially made for her. This ring is massive in size and it is a one of a kind. Whenever people made comments on it she would say, " oh this old thing. My husband couldn't afford to get me a bigger ring!" I use to think "REALLY!! If you don't want it lady give it to me!!" I do now have the ring in a safe because I was afraid if she got into a car accident (when she use to drive), or end up in the hospital or my loser brother would take it. She use to tell me that she would swallow the ring before she would give it to me or anybody else. She can't swallow small pieces of meat, little long that big azz rock! She would choke on it! Now that I have the ring she doesn't even care about it anymore.

My dad and his family were Irish catholic and she had to convert to catholic to marry him. It is my belief that was the only reason she went to church and says, "she knows Jesus." My mother is always telling me that she is not afraid of dying, but I think she is or she thinks that she is above God's laws! Because she refuses to repent! She states that she hasn't done anything wrong! I tell her "Wow mother, it must be nice to be so prefect!" Than she gets mad at me and tells me, "I'm not prefect." That is when I say, "ok" and walk out of the room, usually shaking my head. I just pray that God doesn't hold the charges against her for what she has done to me, for she really doesn't know what she is doing. 😕

Lea, my mother use to tell me the same thing. How the other girls were jealous of me and the only person I could really trust was her. In truth, she was the last person I should have trusted!


The funny part about all this is: NPD people think they are SO different and SO special, but they are all alike. Selfish, mean, nasty, hateful, passive-aggressive, manipulate, jealous, competitive, liars and think they are queen bees.

Hang in there! Someday we'll be free from them. I hope!🥴

Hugs!!!

Xray,
To answer your question, someone who is sick in the head.

My mother always denied being jealous of me. She would say, "there's nothing to be jealous about!" So, I wonder if that was true, than why the competitiveness? Just another lie!!

Hugs!!

God God God..............they're ALL THE SAME these women!!! Shell...........what a story about your mother & the Lotto!!!!!!!!! What a kick in the face...........I am literally laughing out loud here!!! How dare she SUE her workplace b/c she didn't get $5 million. TYPICAL of a NARC! OMG.

So.......The 2.5 Karat Ring. Dad bought her the thing after she bitterly complained for 25 years about the 'chip' he gave her for an engagement ring b/c he was 'dirt poor' when they first got together. She, of course, had to bring the ring to a jeweler to get appraised ............remember, it's all about MONEY...........so he keeps the ring for 2 days. Ever since, she's INSISTED he swapped out the 'real diamond' for a CUBIC ZIRCONIA!!!!!!!!!! Who does these things???????? Yesterday they would have been married for 74 years *but dad was lucky enough to DIE to escape more than 68 wedding anniversaries*......and she is STILL TELLING the story of the 'real diamond being swapped out with CZ' The ring is in my safe here at home. It was NOT swapped out with a CZ, naturally.........ridiculous. Just more paranoia and 'everyone is out to get me' mentality. Speaking of which, she wound up keeping that ring in a SAFE for 90% of the time she had it b/c it 'would get stolen' and someone 'would cut her finger off' to get it!!!!! True story! So after 25 years of chronic complaining, she got The Rock and never wore it!

It shocks me that all of your mother's said the same crap about jealousy and stuff. It must be a HALLMARK of the NM!!!!!!!!! And how nobody is a real friend to us except THEM and yada yada.

Shell, ALL NARCS are above God's laws! NONE of them have EVER done ANYTHING wrong, dontcha know? Nope. They are all perfect and it's everyone else on earth that's tainted and sinners, not THEM! Glad I could clear that up for you! :)

My mother sued her work because she slipped and fell down the stairs and hurt her knee stating that she couldn't work anymore. But she never had to work. She had my dad for that!! I am sure my mother was madder than a wet hen.

I see it as a blessing that she didn't win the lotto. OMG! My skin crawls at that thought! Or maybe she would have taken the money and left--just to end up on my dad's doorstep broke!! Because most of the women that won the lotto ended up broke except for one! She was smart with her money!

My dad use to tell me about women getting their fingers cut off for rings. If my mother thought her ring might be notice by the wrong sort of people she would twist it so the diamond was facing her palm. A trick that my dad told her!

I can not believe that your mother wanted a big fat diamond ring and "Never" wore it!!! What was the point of having it?

Yeah, thanks for clearing that up for me! I can't stop giggling because they really are all the same--saints! I keep forgetting the we are the sinners and they are saints! 😆

Ohhhhhhh, ok Shell. I thought she sued her workplace b/c she didn't get a cut of the Lotto $$$. My mistake HA !

I don't know why my mother never wore that rock, since it was CUBIC ZIRCONIA, after all, right? :)

Lea,
It's all good!🙃

I have agreed to bring NM from ALF to stay in our home for two days/one night after Christmas.

My daughter is bringing her two daughters (my beautiful grandbabies) for 6 days.

Although my daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with my Mom, she understands that her Nana has been on lockdown for 10 months. She and I have agreed to be a United front!!

Not gonna lie!! The thought of all the drama is causing me stress!!

I can’t believe how similar everyone’s story is. I totally conned myself. I don’t even know why. I live far away from my mother (she was in a retirement home) and my brothers. I finally went to see her. Drove 8 hours and they let me in for 20 minutes. She seemed so frail. I know my brothers don’t see her much and I actually felt bad for her (one human to another). She can’t see walk or hear well.
So when she broke her foot last month I asked her if she wanted to be near me. I jumped through crazy hoops to get her in a nursing home here. I felt sorry for her, I felt I could suck up all the horrible history and abuse to care for her at the end of her life.
She has only been here a week, they are taking great care of her and her health has improved dramatically.
Mine is declining. She is in quarantine so I am going every day. I have to get a COVID test every week. She is like a crocodile -sleepy and docile looking and then she opens her mouth a rips me apart. She wants to go back to her old place and complains constantly that she can’t see her son(she previously complained that she never saw any of them). I told her if she moved here she would probably never see them again. She said “I don’t anyway.” Now she won’t shut up about it. People think she is a sweet old lady but she has no friends and her whole family hates her... 

What was I thinking!? I wanted to take the burden off my brother. But I can’t sleep at night, I’m terrified that this is my life now. How do I cope with her daily grinding away at me?

Lost1atsea: I think we all con ourselves. This is our MOTHER, for godsake, maybe she's not THAT bad, blah blah. Then, like you said, she is like a crocodile -sleepy and docile looking and then she opens her mouth a rips me apart. Stop going every day!!!!!!!!!!!! Dear Lord, go once a WEEK, if that, and realize it's PLENTY! She's doing fine. It's not a requirement for her to rip you apart in order to thrive in her new environment. This is NOT your 'new life' unless you MAKE it your new life. Your mother is well cared for in her SNF without YOUR help. Process that information so you can move on with YOUR life.

Don't YOU die before SHE does, ok?

You cope with her 'daily grinding away at you' by not speaking to her daily. It's the only way.

I sent my mother a 2 lb box of Italian cookies from Carlo's Bakery in N.J., you know, the Cake Boss Buddy Valastro. She loves him. They were delivered to her AL yesterday. This afternoon she calls me to tell me how horribly SICK she's been all night and all day today. Oh, and by the way, some cookies were delivered to her. She guesses they're for the whole AL, she doesn't know. Or care. I said, read the note. Oh there is no note, who knows what the stupid girl did with it? There's a note mom, read it. I told her where the cookies came from, etc. It was like I had sent her a booby trap for all the enthusiasm it generated. She was way too busy complaining to be appreciative of the Christmas gift she was given. I'm glad I used HER money to pay for it.

Lea,

I love Italian cookies! Also love Italian ice cream.

We have a great local Italian bakery here, Angelo Brocato’s. It’s been around forever. Wonderful pastries and espresso.

My mom went there as a little girl to buy Italian cookies and ice cream.

It’s my daughters’ favorite bakery.

You’re a wonderful daughter to send your mom Italian cookies! Yummy!

Hey NHWM, I should have sent the Italian cookies to YOU! I still can........I have my mother's debit card, remember! LOL

You have great food in LA. In Denver, a Twinkie is considered a pastry.

Lea,
You can send me some cookies! 🍪

Lost,

Lealonnie is correct!! Stop going everyday!
The term FOG applies. Fear, Obligation, Guilt!

My NM moved from Colorado to Montana to be closer to me. She constantly complained about being in my brothers home. She felt he and his family were treating her sooo badly. Now that she's in ALF near me, I am the object of her ire!!

If you haven't already, do some research on narcissism. It may not apply to your Mom, but there are many techniques you may find helpful!

You can start slowly. Maybe only go every other day to start with. Are you paying for Covid tests once a week??
Perhaps if she doesn't see you every day, she will form relationships with others in her new home.

It's like eating an elephant. ONE BITE AT A TIME!!

You deserve to have a healthy and happy life!!

Hang in there!

(((Hugs)))

Xray,
Your doggie likes very handsome. That is a great picture!😊

Thank you Lea and X-ray. She is still in quarantine and doesn’t know anyone (guilt..) once she is out of quarantine I hope she will make some friends. It’s so frustrating when you try so hard to do something to please your mother and it goes unrecognized. I feel that deeply. I moved away at 16 so I wouldn’t have to deal with her but now I really have to learn how to cope with it. I only have 5 Ativan left!
Thanks for all the great advice. It lifts my spirits to know I am not the only one-and to be able to talk about it. Many of my friends mothers have passed and hubby’s family is “perfect” so they don’t understand what it is like. Thank you!!

Lost,

Trust me!! You're in good company here!!

And you are most definitely not alone!😊

Shell,

That's my favorite pic of Norman!
Just home from the groomer.
He may not always look so put together, but he's always adorable!! (Except when he's munching down on deer carcass) lol

Lost, if your mother is anything like mine (God forbid) she will tell you all the other residents she lives with are STUPID MORONS and JACKASSES and they have nothing in common at all! She gets along with nobody except the caregivers she sucks up to so they agree to be her flying monkeys! She blows them kisses and says I WUV YOU to them and it is enough to make ya vomit! So maybe don't get your hopes up about your mother making friends or finding ANYTHING to be appreciative or thankful for. All these women know how to do is complain, curse, carry on and exaggerate their ailments for attention. I'm now asking my mother if she'd like me to call her an AMBULANCE to take her to the hospital for her constant throwing up, which the staff tells me isn't happening. OH GOD FORBID is her reply. So I guess you're not THAT SICK after all, huh? 😐

Anyway, just as long as you steel yourself for the possibility she won't make friends and it's NOT YOUR FAULT, you'll be all set.

Glad you have joined us here! 😁