Caregiving as a way to inherit stuff?

Some believe it because it's what their parents told them their entire life. My husband is up in Spokane right now dealing with his mother "the kid gets it all", who supposedly had care insurance, only to find out that "care insurance" was for a place that required her to sign over all assets. So much for her will, and for "the kid gets it all".

And no, he would NOT be amenable to death panels. He's just in shock. He was raised in this house from the time he was 2 (he's 64 now). He'd planned on it staying in the family. It probably will, we'll just have to move up north, so we can become caregivers to not only my mother, but his mother as well.

We also believe that the state should not foot the bill if there are assets to pay. However, they don't generally take half the money - it's generally all of it.

And yes, my mother and father also saved this money for us. My mother is still alive, and works very hard to not touch the principal. She's very proud that she's left something for her heirs. If she absolutely has to go into a nursing home, we'll put her there. We believe it's cheaper to hire homecare help as needed.

Yup I hear you!

Yup, there are definitely people who think they have a right to their parents' money no matter what the parents need themselves. And there are people who do the caregiving hoping for a reward in the will.

But it doesn't seem to be the majority, at least not of caregivers on this site.

I think that caregivers should be compensated for their work. I think it should be at the time the work is performed, not delayed until after the recipient's death.

Well here in Ireland land was and still is everything handed down generation to generation. Still and the main part of the "depresssion" here in Ireland now is peoples obsession with land its in our blood!!

My mum was left a share in the house by her parents and so it goes on.... my mum and alot here in Ireland would rather DIE alone at the bottom of the stairs not to be discovered for a week than hand over her house to a NH and thats what she intends to do WHY she wants US to have it. My self and my two brothers want whats best for her care my sisters would rather she die at the bottom of stairs bla bla than have any of her inheritence taken away! Go figure! As long as im here holding the fort on my own and looking after mum thier inheritence is safe but id rather have my life back and mum safe in a NH than any part of this house.

I just wish you hadn't mentioned a rare happy ending, shakingoffdust. That wasn't something I needed to be reminded of today.

i dont think any elder wants to see their assets gobbled up at end of life and especially by a sick system where corporations profit and care home employees work for sustenance wages . ( if that ) .
if the elder wants to be in their home and someone in the family is willing to make it happen , good for them if the assets are saved and passed down .
thats fair enough , imo . jeanne gibbs makes a great point tho . best be compensated legally as the work progresses than to run the all or nothing risk of being badly damaged near the end . the gamble will scare you to death , as you lose wages and jeopardize your own future by caregiving .

i had a sharp tongued aps lady told me once i should be paying half of mine and moms bills . on what planet does one caregive for no compensation then pay half of the elders household bills ?
not too bright , that one . the next time we met she never said a word while her co worker and i conversed . she must have sensed id bite her face off ..

There'd be more $ in medicaid if the government would stop giving it out to people who never paid into it.. And I don't mean spouses!!!

i like your posts dusty but i like to kid you about being a little " out there " ..
i think vegaslady was saying your post hit home with her today .
its freaking horrifying to put your life on hold to care for someone else . one could end up in jail or on the street messing with a pathologically lying dementia patient ..

Hey Capt - When my husband, me and my Mom moved in together 3 years ago, we had just lost our home. Mom sold her condo and bought a larger home that was suitable for all of us. We pay her rent and 1/2 the utilities - and I ended up being her caregiver. Go figure. No our rent is reduced by $350 a month to help compensate for our reduced income since my husband retired - and we were never paying a HUGE rent, but still fair, considering we don't have a whole house to ourselves ($750). I always figured we'd have to pay rent wherever we were, and this was a far nicer place than we could have afforded otherwise. We share the cost of groceries, share everything. Mom takes us out to eat quite often, so it's nice. We all get along really well, and enjoy each others company. I'm not upset about our financial arrangement at all. I think my husband would feel demasculated if we didn't pay our own way. He loves my Mom, but won't take more from her than he feels is appropriate. One of the reasons she loves him, too.

I just found out that my husband, who is up with his mother in Spokane, had her add me to her will. I told him to change it. That is not appropriate. Her stuff should stay in her family. She's always felt that way. She only did that because he asked her to.

"Anyone else getting the feeling that many caregivers care about the pot at the end of the rainbow and not the person?"

Litldogtoo, I suspect that that feeling is common, perhaps very common, among non-caregiving siblings of caregivers. That's mainly because they haven't tried it; and I suspect partly a way of relieving their own sense of guilt. If they can ascribe an ulterior motive to the caregiver, it gets them off the moral hook.

Among caregivers, your question will get more in the way of hysterical laughter. I mean, I really like the Chinese rug my grandmother left my mother, but it would be easier and cheaper just to buy my own.

I know my parents worked their butts off to have money in the bank, and to leave it to me. They have moved in with me a year ago, and I handle thier finaces now.I always knew I was lucky.. but now I am more concerned about thier future care than MY future care. I hope I am not alone in this, and I know from this site that I am not. Whatever needs they have will come first, and I believe they have enough. I'll deal with me when the time comes.

equillot,
i still had my own home -- sitting empty in the sticks unprotected . i was camping at moms house for 6 years and it never felt like home . i was saving her enough by cooking good meals from scratch to pay my additional utilities i figured . never charged her for auto / home maintenance , never asked for much . i had my own bills ..
drew up a carer contract only when it seemed legally necessary . i never drew a dime of it but she swung my 400. 00 worth of bills per month when i could no longer go out to work. about 6 months of it . i think she got a good deal. stayed in her home till she died with her son and loudmouthed parrot .. its what she wanted ..

Relax, I wasn't offended at all. It's just that sometimes I want to concentrate on today and not look all the way down the road. It can take a lot to offend me. I retired from a career as a Revenue Officer (field tax collector) for the IRS. I like to say that when you get hired they give you a physical....to see if your skin is thick enough and if your blood runs cold enough.

Lildog, I've been on the site for a long time and I'm not really sure if I understand what you're meaning about people here. We do come here to vent about things, and thank goodness there is a place to let off some steam. But I imagine most people here are pretty much in the same general position that I am in -- unpaid, supporting myself, and with no big estate awaiting. What is left, if anything, will be divided four ways. The three non-caregivers will get the same share as the caregiver. Is this fair? Probably not, but my mother won't consider paying for care from family. She thinks my two rent-free rooms at the house are enough. If I had not saved a little myself, I would not be able to afford to do this.

Some people here do not have time for a job and have no savings. They worry about if their parent can qualify for Medicaid. I can only remember one or two stories here where there was much of an estate at all. Inheritance is something that is becoming a rarity as life gets longer and end of life care is so expensive.

In most cases the caregiver always stands to lose, some or everything. I quit my career, sold my home and moved 200km to care for my mother for 4+ years. Over those years I lost about $300,000 in salary. Now at retirement age, I'm starting again from scratch with a tiny fixer upper home. I have financial and medical POA and do all I can to preserve finances for her NH care. I spend next to nothing on myself. In fact, on my way out to mow yesterday, I caught sight of myself in a window and it struck me just how much I resembled Jed Clampet, hat and all lol

I look more like Granny Clampett now. :D

I am trying to mesh together the ideas of greed and hands-on caregiving. The two don't seem to go together at all. I'm sure there are some cases that are the exception, but I wouldn't expect many. I associate greed with narcissism and hands-on caregiving with selflessness. It's hard to associate the two.

But I did realize that I don't think that selflessness is a good thing. It is a good way of getting lost to ourselves.

Death panels? Really? They were a fantasy dreamed up by Sarah Palin and posted on her Facebook page back in 2009. A national poll voted it the biggest lie of the year. Still, conservative Republicans continue to dredge up the threat of hapless elderly people being put to death involuntarily as part of their attacks on the affordable Care Act.

Rick Santorum, while he was campaigning for president in 2012, insisted that in the Netherlands, old people customarily wear wristbands imprinted with the words "Do Not Euthanize Me," so they're not dragged off and put to death against their will. That was a complete fabrication, but it made a compelling image.

Politicians of all stripes are very good at lying.

jesse,
" selflessness "
ive been taking edna breakfast for several months . donut , or biscuits / gravy , maybe a sausage / egg sandwich . never been compensated for any of this . im getting healthier from the hepc treatment , brain is working better . i didnt take breakfast this morning , just fixed her meds and left . no country ride this afternoon . i guess a person should find the line between being kind and being taken advantage of . she'd like to see her checking balance healthier . yes edna , so would i ..
ill still watch out for her but i wont be a damned fool .

Even though I had retired I had taken a part time job I loved and need to supplement my retirement. When it was obvious my mother could no longer live by herself safely,and we had discussed this earlier, we sold her house and all other properties and put in CDs, she moved in with me and I quit my job and she is now my "job". I don't pay myself a formal salary.The utilities and house ,car insurance come out of my money.Any money of hers we used for things for her,like her new electric chair,a new cpap machine.,Yes we added a nice fence to our property but with her blessing because of all our dogs,including her 2 so none of us had to worry about letting the dogs out, I am to old to run after them, we also built a new deck with ramps with her money for her,she loves sitting on the deck and the ramps make it safer for her, basically I feel she gets more for her money living with me than she would at a nursing home because at a NH her nurse would have more than one patient. Here with use she has 2 old retired nurses all to herself. I am an only child and thankfully don't have nosey siblings wanting to know where all the money is. I know I can take better care of my mother here at my house than a NH and when or if she ever becomes bedridden sitters will be hired using her money so I can sleep at night. This still is cheaper than a NH and better care than a NH can provide.Also bought the Cadillac of bedside commodes for her and I have a great baby monitor in her room that has night vision, again bought with her money.Not to mention all the paper towels for cleaning up after the dogs. I don't feel guilty spending her money because it is stuff for her.Sure I enjoy the new deck and nice fence to.But I don't take vacations, don't buy new cars,don't buy myself new clothes, I use her money for her care and to make it easier for me to take care of her. I feel also the day is coming I am going to need to buy a hospital bed for her but again that is what those CDs are for and it will be a better bed than she would have in the NH.The NH would take everything and still not give the personalized care I can and do give.

I am BROKE because I can't get a job to support myself because my mom only wants ME for a companion every day. I'm an only child (well, when I was a child, I mean) and my father busted his ass and invested money. There is money there. I know he would not be thrilled that she is pissing it away on fake flowers and candleholders every week. I mean she spends about $1000 a month no lie, on knick-knacks while I struggle to stay home (for her) to take care of her. I would love to get a job but I know without a savings I will need that money at some point. Go ahead and flame me, I don't care. I know I am earning every penny of it. I am the chauffer, the cook, the pharmacist, the bill payer, the landscape service. Her body is in great shape for 91 but her mind is going, and being a closet victim type narc as she is, it makes my life super hard. (do I sound like one too?) she will be here a long time, I think. And that would be wonderful but she takes and doesn't give back, and has no thoughts or care for how anyone is affected except her. So I am doing it because she is my mother, and because I promised dad on his deathbed I would. I do it out of duty, and some love, but because it's the right thing to do. But at what cost? I give her more care and attention than she would get on the outside, but I still wish she would allow me to get help in.

There is no pot at the end of the rainbow! My mother died a while back leaving an inheritence to my sisters and me. How do I feel? Poorer than before she died. Sure I am financially richer, but have become totally impoverished as a daughter-no mother. I find no joy in gaining an inheritence at the expense of losing my mother. I know this is what my mother wanted, but losing a mother has no financial rewards.

Debralee, I didn't know. I am so sorry.

Thank you JessieBelle.

texarcana,
yup , id say your care for your mom is a bargain for her .

Ah, but I didn't say everyone is doing it for the pot. I'm suggesting that there are those who feel they are entitled to the pot.

I take care of my mother because I'm the only daughter. Like someone else who posted, she's better off with me because I have the money and I can get her what she needs and take her out whereas if she lived alone and/or had in home health care, she'd kind of be stuck.

As for the 'death panels'. It wasn't a political statement. It was what I perceive as a reality at some point in our future. People are going to start realizing that while the body is super healthy, the brain is dysfunctional. In my opinion, it's the brain that is the person. When that's lost, there is no longer a person.

So, please re read what I wrote.

I'm talking about those who want to know if houses belong to them after two years of caring for people, etc., etc.

I'm not talking about people who do this out of love.

there have always been " death panels " . its been called DNR and backed up with fatal doses of morphine . im unsure of the terminology but a doc can dispatch a person simply by witholding antibiotics that arent working without any consent from family .
been reading about D -day here at anniversary time . allied paratroopers were dropped behind nazi held lines by the tens of thousands . they carried two syringes of morphine -- 1 for pain , 2 for eternity ..
I didnt miss your point. Mine remains unchanged too. Anyone who sticks it out till an elder draws their last breath, has saved the taxpayer a fortune and most likely earned any inheritance they get . they done the heart wrenching work while the rest of the family hid out ..
i " grayed " a bit in my mothers last year of life .. my sis wussed out and partied with her church cult yet she sits in moms home and property, mortgage free. was inventorying her winnings as mom was cheynne - stokes breathing ..
bless the genuine , dedicated carers .. they arent doing it for the aloe vera plant or the new recliner ..

Captain - this is the way my father died, in the hospital after he'd had a stroke. He was headed for a nursing home (my mother thought she could care for him in her home but that wasn't going to happen) and what the doctors do is just take away the meds, bit but bit.

Let's face it, the meds are what keeps the patient alive, i.e., heart meds, high blood pressure meds, diabetic meds, etc. Once those are gone, that's it.

I always say they spent the years from 80-89 putting the body together and then from 90-whenever trying to take away the meds because the kidneys/liver can't handle them anymore.

I guess I'm looking at this more philosophically than most people. I look at my mom and just wonder why?

And I can't understand why others don't think this way. I'm a Catholic and I still ask Why? although I know the standard answers I'd get. But Why? What's the point?

I guess I am a bit 'depressed' over the whole thing. She's healthier than I am physically, but mentally, it's just not there. And I KNOW this because I've SEEN this with my MIL years ago.

I guess it's hard to see people get really old to a point where they can't bathe themselves, can't think enough to care what they look like, etc.

Today, I'm tired. Tomorrow, I may have a different outlook. But today, I'm tired.

And for those who are going to tell me to see a mental health professional or a doctor, been there, doing that.

yea, lildog,
most of my moms regular maintenance meds were stopped when she was approved for hospice .
i suppose when a body is in even the early stages of death its silly to keep trying to invigorate it . dnr is self explanatory . i compare it to restarting a junk engine . one more burst of noise but the end result is still a rod thru the side of the block .