Caregiving and the Highly Sensitive Personality.

Thank you so much. This is me in a nutshell. My husband has been telling me for years that my mom and sister look to me to see how I am going to "fix" things for them, but they don't usually follow my advice. I always thought he was exaggerating but I've been seeing this more and more. I am overly empathizing and always put myself in others' shoes. Dang, I'm glad there is a term for it. It won't change who I am, but it will make me aware and maybe be able to change my reactions and behaviors to my narcissistic mom and sister. On another thread they used the acronym FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Man, those are my triggers and mom has used those on me from the word go. My sister does, too, but I am learning that they have to be responsible for their own messes they've created. I have mom in my home and she is driving me crazy. My husband tells me, "If you have to live with a dram queen, you might as well enjoy the show". I find that funny, but I am trying very hard to do just that.

I am so glad I found this forum. I have learned so much about myself and my mom. I do not like her. I love, evidently or do I feel obligated and guilty? Hmmm...

We get used to hearing we love, but don't like, our loved ones. But only we know that. ;)

I have known this for a long time,having been in business for 35 years and forgiven 3 to$ 400000 plus in losses to people with their hand in the cash ,getting a few out of jail,re-hiring some I knew were corrupt but would partially starve should I not, buying lunch and snacks daily etc. Looking back I would do it all over again for anyone in need .In those years I developed another side that can cut to the core if someone is being unreasonable to my family or to a person less able than the attacker ,the business years were spent with oil companies,not the model of kindness,basically the kind person is much like a pendulum it swings both ways ! In my case I went from work to full time sole caregiver for my wife who is suffering with PSP,much like ALS but long lasting,it has been almost 10 years...you can likely figure out the rest but being a caregiver to someone you have been with since high school that is as much a part of you as you are to yourself with a personality that tries to solve the problems of the world is terribly demanding ,some days it is very hard to ties the ends together.

Hi just found this site. I feel that the HSP profile fits me also. I am the main caregiver to my mother, she's 86 who is also highly sensitive. When I hear her worry, worry, worry about everything it drives me almost crazy and it has affected my life so profoundly! At times I also feel no one else cares, like when I text my siblings about my stress they pretty much ignore me... it may be that I am overreacting, but it is so real also. My mom has gotten so stressed over situations I am now insisting she see a counselor or psychiatrist to help her look at the world in a different way instead of worry. I will now try to take a good look at my thoughts and try to refocus and take better care of me. We are looking for an assisted living facility and that can't come soon enough. Thanks and God bless.

Finally! A set of initials by which I can label myself...although...lol...I try to avoid labels as much as possible.

But, yeah...gotta set boundaries...gotta know that even though it hurts...it is the part of being human that might possibly redeem a self-centered world-at-large.

WOW.... that's me too. This gives me a lot to think about. No wonder I hurt so much! And it really hits the nail on the head as to why I took on caregiving. I think about all those people, all my life, who wrote me off and called me "too emotional..." and really it's just how God made me. What a relief. Thanks for sharing this.

I have known that I fit this profile for a long time, as I was always the one who got emotional about sad movies, treated sick animals, and seem to have an invisible sonar system for picking up feelings from other people. I cannot be in a crowd, because it just wears me out. The problem of course, is that there are always people who will take advantage of your helpful nature. I don't mind the strangers who tell you their life story as much as family members who will try and get you to do things that they are supposed to take care of themselves. I don't think that anyone was put on this planet to make someone happy - the person is responsible for their own happiness. My family never had any boundaries so I am still learning.
I have found that taking Golden Yarrow flower remedy helps to protect you from absorbing everyone's energy. Not sure how it works, but it does.

It's so great to read all these wonderful posts! I got so excited when I ran across this HSP thing I just had to share, and it's really gratifying to see it struck a chord with so many others. Sixty-two years on this planet thinking there must be something "weird" about me because I could feel things like a subtle undercurrent of tension in a room like it was a weight pressing down on me!

Since this thread popped back up again I thought I'd share some more stuff I've found out....such as "what a highly sensitive person is NOT". According to Eline Aron a HSP is not weak, over-reactive, neurotic, or anti-social....nor is s/he emotionally immature/unstable, self-centered, unpredictable, over-dependent, demanding or attention seeking. So if any of you HSP's have ever thought of yourselves in these ways, or have ever been accused by others of being some of these things, close your eyes, take a deep breath, SMILE knowingly, and blow out all those negative self-images!

I also found this interesting - "22 signs you're a HSP", posted by Edward Mills (evolvingtimes) I answered yes to 14 of them...
1. Can you hear things others can't, especially high pitched sounds? (eg. hum of a dimmed light fixture)
2. Do you notice smells other don't?
3. Do you notice flickers on an old computer screen or fluorescent light fixtures?
4. Do you know what other people need before they ask?
5. Do you get "overwhelmed" by joy when you experience great beauty? (Eg. A beautiful sunset or the laugh of a baby)
6. Feel threatened or uneasy in crowds, big cities?
7. Have n "emotional radar" that picks up on what others are feeling?
8. Pick up physical symptoms from other people? (eg. headaches)
9. Does reading or hearing about bad news have a dramatic impact on your mood?
10. Have you been diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and/or do you experience a noticeable drop in your energy and mood during winter?
11. Have you ever had a transcendental or mystical experience?
12. Do you have a strong reaction when you drink coffee, or try to stop?
13. Do you have food sensitive allergies?
14. Are you a "lightweight", ie. get buzzed on one glass of wine?
15. Do you have allergies or asthma?
16. Are you sensitive to over the counter, prescribed, or illegal drugs?
17. If you ever had surgery did it take longer to recover from the effects of the anesthesia than from the surgery itself?
18. Is being in a calm, peaceful environment very important to you?
19. Do you get claustrophobic when you spend too much time indoors?
20. Is it important to you to spend time alone?
21. Do you experience dramatic mood swings, sometimes for no apparent reason?
22. Do you know when people are lying to you?

Question: how does being a highly sensitive person affect your role as a caregiver?

16 for me.This site makes me feel normal. Thanks.

Holy moly, ALL of these apply to me! I somehow feel vindicated in that its all real and there is a term for it. I'm sharing this with my husband so he can better understand me as we're beginning on the path of my role as his caregiver. I totally get it with him but he doesn't have a clue about me.
Most important about this list for me is it proves my mom was wrong about me. I'm the way I am for a reason. I feel free today!

Wow. This is me. So maybe im not bipolar after all.

THANK YOU for bringing up HSP in connection with caregiving. I bought Dr. Aron's book years ago, and felt it explained so many things in my life that didn't make sense. I can now relate to myself better, understanding that I am an HSP and part of a minority who have a slightly different perspective on life. As caregiver for my two parents (both with Alzheimer's), I wondered at first why the activity was so draining. Thanks to HSP research, I've learned to carefully guard my alone-time and my down-time, so that I can replenish my depleted energy and be more there for them. Good post, now I'll go read the other comments! Just so happy that you brought this up, Yaya51.

I just want to add, for the benefit of the other commenters, that being an HSP can mean that you "appear" to be extremely self-absorbed... this is not at all the same as narcissism, though our society may see it as such. As children, HSPs often stand back from the crowd to observe and absorb behaviour, and they do a lot of reflecting on what's going on around them. Also, in crowded or over-stimulated environments, we have a greater need to protect ourselves, which can be seen as selfish or needy to others. Narcissists generally do not take into consideration the feelings of others when they make choices/life decisions; that's a strong differing factor. HSPs, on the other hand, consider others first when making a choice, and will feel extremes of guilt, sorrow, regret, etc.

I'm an HSP - and also a INJF, if you know about the Meyers Briggs test. I have had to contend with people thinking that I am stuck up because I wait and see what type of person I am dealing with first, and I have problems with absorbing other peoples emotions. I also grew up in a family where everyone else is 'tough' and wanted to know what was wrong with 'that kid who bawls at every sad movie'! Unfortunately I also have a lot of self absorbed people in my family too. You know, the kind you give every little detail of every thing they did this week, but then when you say that you have a cold and are worn out, they suddenly 'hear the doorbell'?
I'm beginning to think we must have a sign that is only visible to others because I had had people in my family, who rarely had time for me when growing up, suddenly decide that I would be the 'perfect caregiver' for them. I don't think that people understand that most HSP people may appear weak, but really are not - and can stand up for themselves ( of course I've also been bullied for that, also)
It does make it hard to be a caregiver because you can feel the frustration that older people feel, and the constant negativity and complaints really do get to you - like the drip, drip, of a faucet....

LivingSouth, I thought when you said, "I'm an HSP" that you were saying that you're a nurse for HSP. So I popped in to take a look. Read Yaya's introduction. Most of it sounds like me. I will need to come back and start from page 1.

HSP.... that sure sounds like me.... and let's throw in some mild OCD while we are at it.

I'm an HSP as well. Thank you for talking about it here. I'm struggling with helping my mom. She has what I recently learned an "oppositional" conversational style. I have had to work on that myself. I can't win with her. She has an answer--and often a twist--for everything. Now she's an exaggeration of her former self so I have not yet been able to separate her nastiness from her dementia. I don't think I said that correctly. What I'm trying to say is that I would like to not be hurt by all of the things that she says because she now has dementia and I would like to help her feel better, but I get so caught up in defending myself, or trying to correct her, or some other idiotic move. I just feel so lost and out of control of my surroundings--as if I'm just bouncing around in all of this. I HATE that I'm hurt by her stuff since she got sick, and that I haven't yet been able to be extra kind to her instead of fighting off the hurt I feel.

Sounds just like me. OMG. Is there one of us for every narcissist? Ya ya that was true enlightment. I have always been ultra sensitive. If things arent right or a person i feel it. I feel the turmoil and I feel the ugly. And yes I do try and fix things and so many people cant stand the truth so hate me because it comes out around me. I put on a tough front but deep in side I was or am I still a cry baby.
I know when my landlord sold her house to not lose everything I had to move back in my mothers house. It was the only place I had to go outside of a shelter. Rent is high in new your and I was drawing unemploymet after a severe illness. So being treated as an intruder and see them take every moment possilbe to kick dirt in my face had me crying just walking the street. I put the strong on for them but it broke my heart to see the joy it was for my mother and sister to see me down and to be ignorant to think it wwould stay that way.

Well anyways its good to know it has a name. Now what to do about it. I think we learn as we go. I am certainly not the person to mess with but I dont wear that well so some people take the kindness for weakness and learn the hard way if I have enough energy to waste because people who use people dont do the live and learn thing cant see their wrong, just wont (maybe) come for you again..

I am going to go back and read other posts just had to shout out because this fit me to the tee.