My Mother is 89 Dementia/Althymers. My daughter is 14 entering high school. I work full time. Can only afford part time caregiver. Will apply for Medicaid for help soon. Sandwiched ?

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Blackhole,Rainmom,Mincemeat.Thank you. I see I am really in a losing battle. Regardless, she will decline and not get better. I am constantly stressed. I am constantly seeing the cup half empty instead of half full. I am starting to resent this position I am in. I don't want problems worse than I have with my husband. I use to be the life of the party. Now I constantly have a furrowed brow and look angry even when I am not.
I plan to go back to graduate school as soon as I can to make up for all the money we have spent on her living with us. It's odd isn't it that the expectation we put on ourselves.
Thank you again.

Where's the guilt coming from? Something your mom planted in your emotions years ago as a child or something arising simply from within you. Your mom's condition will only continue to get worse. It probably would be best to move her now that wait until is is absolutely impossible to do otherwise. You have enough on your plate!

Thank you. Yes my mother lives with us and she is mostly hostile towards me. I know it's not her, but my daughter tries to take care of me.
I know in my heart my priorities, but I feel so guilty putting her in a nursing home.
My brother is taking care of
His inlaws and his wife is not close to my mother. I have. Neighbor that will check in occasionally. Other than that and work I am pretty isolated.

Being present for your husband & daughter and working full-time is the maximum one person can give. It IS enough. And it IS okay to place your mother in AL or skilled care or memory care. This is not cruel or uncaring. This is assigning the right team to a challenging, specialized and increasingly difficult job.

With dementia and other old-age complications, Mom's needs exceed your capacity. This is not a criticism of your efforts and intentions. It is simply a fact. Here's another fact: Dementia is progressive, and it only goes in one direction.

If Mom has good days, enjoy them for what they are. But don't make a life plan based on her good days. It's guaranteed that the good days will be fewer and further between. (They may cease altogether.)

This is the hardest time of an adult daughter's life. There is an invisible pull (plus societal pressure) for the adult daughter to turn her life into a monument to her ailing parent(s). In many cases, ailing parents who did not plan for their old age.

Cross all your "t" s and dot all your "i"s on Mom's Medicaid application. Visit facilities that accept Medicaid and Medicaid-pending early and often. And apply Mincemeat's outline to your own journey.

No matter how much you love Mom, you cannot control her decline. You can control the degree to which her decline strains your marriage, creates stress and insecurity for your daughter and compromises your work performance -- a.k.a. your econmonic security.

More importantly, your role in mom's final years can be that of a caring daughter who gives Mom her full attention when she visits. You can be present for mom, and a presence that the staff respects and partners with. Or you can be "with" Mom full-time, but strung out because you rushed home from work to feed the dog, change Mom's diaper and take prom pictures all within the same hour -- then rush to the pharmacy before it closes to refill Mom's prescription.

It's OK to protect your sanity, and make your husband and daughter your top priority. There are ways to do it that are fair to Mom and fair to your immediate household. Lots of good advice on this forum. Much of it from the "wouldda shouldda couldda" corner. Keep reading and keep sharing.

I have my adult son at home who is disabled - functions at about a two year old level. Mom is now in a nursing home, having never lived with me or I with her. It has been a five year - and counting - journey, looking after my parents from the day they both crashed medically. They went from their own home to IL, dad passing after two years and then moms dementia kicking in - stops in the hospital, AL and now the nursing home. At times it was a full time job and more. The funniest phase - and not haha funny but loosing my mind funny - was when mom was making my life hell because I wouldn't let her come to my house to live. Between caring for my son and then having to take care of mom, I would have either been dead or in a mental institution myself! Smartest decision I've made in this journey has been standing my ground and saying "no" to mom living here - and I highly recommend that choice to anyone with children at home - it's just not fair to them.

Does your mother live with you? If so, is she kind to your daughter? I was exactly in your shoes when my mother passed and I had a 88 year old father who was in the "squirrely" stage of dementia, doing odd things, saying horrible things, etc.....and my youngest was 14. I understand sandwich....and the sandwich is really a bad deal if you have no sibling or outside support. If I could rewind the last 7 years, here is what I would have done:

1. Make my marriage and my child number ONE....over everything else! Make sure child knows they are your priority and feels loved and safe in their own home.
2. Keep my career.
3. Be very agressive with parent, doctors, ect to pursue medications and full knowledge of behaviors, and the need for some sort of medication to battle personality swings and lashing out.
4. Get help from siblings. No excuses, take no prisoners. Convince them of the problem earlier than later.
5. Get a handle on finances earlier than later, before much money is sqaundered. It is needed for future care.
6. Find a way to self care and nurture your own psyche and soul.

Best to you.....sounds harsh.....but I would have done things differently in my experience.

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