Hello; First time poster here.
Wife 53 YO Bi Polar had stroke 2012 (fairly severe) has had open heart surgery (Mitral Valve Repl) chronic pain sufferer from Osteo Arthritis and old spinal injuries and now from the stroke. Incontinent. Has been in and out of 3 rehabs and more Hospital and ER visits (mostly from falls.) Every time they release her from these rehabs she does fine for a few weeks walks with her walker uses the bathroom wears regular under wear, has no incontinence,and eats well etc.Then for some unknown reason she backslides into worse shape than before the rehab. Has home Health Rehab folks come by (to not much avail) someone to come bathe her etc. No other in home help is available as I write this. I am the sole care giver. I'm disabled (but mobile) from my own stroke 2 yrs ago. I'm 67.She can't get Medicaid because they say our combined income is too high. The task of caring for her is simply too much for me to handle physically. I told them that at the last rehab and they discharged her anyway. She refused to appeal the discharge "I wanna come home" I told her that I could not take care of her as I've been as it's just too much. I don't like admitting that but it's true and I'm suffering the consequences as I write this; it's literally killing me. I can't stop her from falling even when I use a support belt (she weighs more than I do) and if she does fall I can't pick her up. I have to call EMS. She fell on top of me awhile ago and I got injured too. This falling is dangerous. She tries to walk unassisted and falls. There is no help available from relatives; friends; etc. Had a roomate/caregiver for a time but she bailed..Her condition has declined to the point of her being bed and wheelchair bound. I have three agencies trying to place her in NH but we can't find any that will take her. (No beds; No medicaid; low SS income). I'm at wits end with it all. Now her condition is declining further and after her last fall she just keeps telling all involved "I just want to die" when we do discuss the subject and I ask her what happens after the rehabs she says she needs more encouragement form me. We had been separated for years; when I had my stroke she lived with me (rent free of course). And took care of me. She does need encouragement; but I find it difficult if not impossible to provide much in the way of "happy, Happy" when faced with the 24/7 job I must do; and it IS a job. Worst job in the world; especially if you're disabled.
As I stated she keeps saying she just wants to die; she smokes 2 packs of cigs a day hoping she'll have a heart attack; keeps asking me how she can kill herself.......Takes meds for the Bi Polar but it rears it's ugly head regularly and I get verbally abused in the offing. She's also on opoids; but if she takes enough to eliminate the pain she "zombies out". My point in this whole rant is that I feel guilty for agreeing with her not wanting to live; I haven't voiced that sentiment to her but I wouldn't want to live that way either; so what the hell do I do? If she feels that way way strongly enough for long enough she probably will die from one cause or another. I just do the best I can with what I have and watch and wait and hope that I can find a facility where her full time care will be provided and she'll be comfortable. Thanks everyone for letting me vent here. Hope I' in the right place for this post.