Caregivers need help financially.

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I too am in a what seems like an impossible situation. I moved in to help out my elderly parents. A year later I lost my job, soon after my 84 year old father was diagnosed with cancer. I cared for him 24/7 until his passing six months later. I have now been caring for my mother whom ,with dementia, was very dependent on my father and is now with me. She needs a caregiver on a constant basis. My mother has her money and I have mine. I also have a $55k student loan that is outstanding and constant stress for me. I have cashed out my last 401k to live on. Sallie Mae was kind enough to let me know, with the minimum payments I can make, my total loan will end up being over 100k. That's my future retirement. Currently with no income and my small nest egg slowly dwindling away I find myself in dire straits.
I have no idea what to do while time and money keeps clicking away.....
I know this is a growing problem in our society. We need help...

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I think that you took on way too much. A baby and a teen, your very needy Mom. You should have asked for help a long time ago. Now that everything is out of control there is nothing you can do. Mom should go into nh for care. You can go see her every day if you want, but you already have too much on your plate. Perhaps, with Mom out of your care, you'll be able to get help for the drug dependence and have someone court appointed to negotiate the financials without compromising your family too much. You may have to get a p/t job to pay it all back, or sell the house you bought with your mom's money and pay it back.
Sorry I don't think I've been very helpful, but it was good that your mother had so much to start with. My folks had nothing but the land.
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Lucy, I think a facility for your mother would be best. There seems to be too many family problems and loose spending of her money. It seems to me that her life would be more calm and stable in a facility.
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I have a situation where I take care of my mom with alzheimers, the middle child of 5, Jane our family is hugely disfunctional. My dad passed away in deb of 08 and left me POA of everything, during his time of illness he changed his will to exclude one child because of circumstances he was mad about. One brother was staying at mom and dads to help out while dad was recovering from a fall, one he didn't want there but I begged to let him come because for one reason he was homeless and I promised my parents he was drug and alcohol free, because I thought he was. So within the time about July 08 to jan 09 I was helping w moms care while dad in the nh by cooking and cleaning and because I had medical POA taking her to dr appts. Brother hated that I was doing that and turned on me with hatr and violence. Also not feeding mom and cussing and yelling at her for taking her pills too many times or what ever was bugging him. So I and my family couldn't fit into moms house, and the cost to high to build on to our
home , the Brother still living at moms and wouldn't leave, we had a meeting with all kids and they all agreed I could use some of moms money for a down pmt on house we could all fit into.So while I was at work a community mental health councelor contacted me and said by lawshe had to tell me my brother had threatened to kill me! then mom then himself. So that was scary and then one other brother and sister went to pick her up with the pretense they were taking her to dinner and they took her to my sisters house for safty. She stayed there until we could find a satisfactory place. Meanwhile I had been taking prescription pain Meds for about 10 years for back pain and my sister was dealing anything and everything and growing weed with her medical marijuana card. So she started offering me more pills because so was so dependent and she new I had access to moms money so if was taking and buying more and more. Found a perfect house with full apt in basement, used $70,000 of moms money for down. Bout the way we had to remove mom from her house was such a shock I think it drove her into next stages of the disease and we couldn't use the basement for her. I paid my sister while mom stayed there, and paid her friends she hired for help, paid brother to pack and empty house, which he didn't finish.during moms stay at sisters I would go over every day to see her and she would grab my hand and beg me to take her with me...broke my heart and sister was bragging and telling funny story she almost had mom convinced to smoke some pot with her. I was furious! So become more and more addicted and includes shopping I guess to reward myself or whatever I was doing. The reason mom had to live with me on not the other siblings was, the oldest is on ssi disability, and the one dealing to supplimentd her lifestyle, the older brother is the one threatened killing and has huge anger prob and is trying to get on Ssi. He was diagnosed with ms, younger brother was a Lpn mom didn't want to be there with him to take care of her personnel needs and he is a par ting alcoholic, youngest sister is mentally handicapp and not capable of that kind of care for someone. She does hold a job tho in housekeeping in a nh. Mom and I were always very close and she wanted to be with me, but couldn't tell any of her children that so she'd hurt their feelings..because the siblings have never really liked me they don't come to visit mom, they don't call and if they do they fight with her (more so in the beginning cause she can't use the phone ) both sisters have always been extremely jealous of me for a reason I don't know, since we were children, cutting to the chase mom has now been bed ridden for about 30 months the care has gotten extremely hard, she has bouts of constipation and severe dirrea, has has ibs for 40 years. She cannot do anything for herself. Hospice has been with us for about 36 months and raves her care has been outstanding never has skin breakdown, is always clean, I sit with her every night from 8 to 12 and watch tv, read to her, hold hands. Hospice states she would not have lived this long if it weren't for the wonderful care she gets. Oh I forgot to mention she has multiple myoloama as well and her whole left side is restricted and muscles drawn in.
My family has given up everything. I spent all of my 401 k have had no medical have had to pay monthly premiums for medical ins. I got clean and sober with a recovery program have been clean for 3 yes coming in jan. I went through 470,000 of moms money my siblings are seeing me for it. I lost guardian ship of course and have asked for $7000 a months month for her care because the facilities in this are in skilled nursing is $8000 a month. That would help me pay back her estate which I agree I owe. Went to court and the judge will only give me $4500 a month and siblings are going through the steps to bring legal charges against me. We have adopted a 2 year old granddaughter since birth to her mentally challenged mother and we have custody of a 14 yr old grandson. So with my mother not being gone yet and the monthly care I give her is adding up for repayment. How will the amount be determined that I owe back if she is not gone yet, and it looks like they are not allowing me any credit for my part of inheritance which should be credited. And why couldn't my sisters have helped me get sober rather then keep lining their pockets, I forgot to mention the one sister was getting pill rx from her dr and selling them to me for street prices. So everything is a mess....oh and the siblings stole all kinds of things from parents house but they are not being, held responsible for. A large coin collection antiques, and not sure what else my brother took while packing the house. So I know I totally messed up but I think I should be allowed to be paid what it would have cost to put mom someplace cause she has gotten totally one on one great care. What does everyone think?
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well...???
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lwen,
I don't know how in the world they would deal with that. Maybe some kind of a new disability?
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I am already disabled, since 2001, but went to school during this time...
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CM, you are so right! They are to spend the money as they know the person would have! For many years my mom has purchased collectibles for grandchildren. The last three years mom has asked me to help her get something for 6 grandchildren. I then remind her of what she has done for many years and ask if she would like to do the same. Thank goodness she says "yes, that is a wonderful idea!". Sure makes it easy! But sib that controls the money thinks it should stop. Better luck next time!
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Ff, grrrr - when will they get it in to their heads that it's their JOB to do exactly, as far as possible, what the person they act for would have done if she were still able to? They're so self-righteous about their economic skills - and getting it SO WRONG!!!
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kthln3 So sorry to hear it gets no better. This AM I got a nasty gram from younger sister who controls the money saying that she was not gong to let Mom 'waste' her money on Christmas presents. Yet she will not go to the bother of getting Dad's survivor benefits for Mom, his insurance and a lot of other stuff that I can't even put into words. Is it always this way with family?
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Student loan forgiveness does not have relief for family caregivers. I contacted my servicer, I do have federal loans, and the only option is if I become disabled. Bring on the PTSD!
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