My brother (who I have never gotten along with), has been making a lot of trouble for me. In April, he assaulted me, (after discovering I looked at his personal email because I suspected he was skimming money from things he was selling for her (and stealing other things) because he always had money, but never had a real job. I received a concussion and other injuries, so I filed a Temporary Restraining Order to get him out of the house & away from me.

After that, he called Adult Protective Services TWICE and falsely accused me of emotional and financial Elder Abuse. He NEVER does anything to help Mom or me. The only person he cares about is himself. My attorney is helping me get through the TRO situation. After that is settled, he wants me to look into placing Mom in a memory care facility, because I have health issues and because he thinks I'm overwhelmed by everything (which I am), AND I won't have to deal with HER SON anymore. I'm angry with him because I know he won't stop trying to retaliate against me, which is forcing me to place Mom in a memory care facility before I and/or she is ready.

I am SO angry & feel like I'm letting my Mom down. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

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My heart goes out to you! I am in a very similar situation except it is my father not my mother. One thing to do is to keep your documentation...keep all relevant paperwork, get a journal and make notes daily if needed or every other day as you see fit.
If you and your mother are not ready for a home....then do not move her! Talk to the Police, a Detective or someone who will take time to listen, let them know your concerns! It is hard enough being a caregiver, without all the crap we get from family members... Good luck!

I don't know if anyone is ever "ready" for memory care facilities.
I guess my thoughts are that under the current circumstances it might be safer for you AND your Mom if she's there, since there are witnesses around to prevent your bro's bad behavior. With the restraining order you may be able to limit his visits to Mom (or put restrictions -- he is only allowed to visit her within sight of a nurse, calling ahead so that you aren't there, or whatever).
If your Mom is in memory care you will be able to be EXTRA care rather than her ONLY care, which can be a huge advantage as she progresses. They shouldn't mind you being there all day if you want to, as it relieves them of a huge amount of work, then you can sleep soundly at home knowing she is safe. If you make it a point to be polite & nice to the floor staff and even the other residents you can make allies of the staff, which will be to your Mom's advantage AND yours should your bro try to cause problems.
Do make sure that all of your ducks are in a row as far as DPOA is concerned, otherwise your brother may have equal say over her care, which would be h*ll. Is it possible that your brother is involved in drugs? That is one of the usual "appearing money" sources. Don't know if police dept would take that kind of thing seriously (though the IRS might LOL!).
For your own safety;
1) Change door locks (of course)
2) If you can afford it, alarms on doors & windows that attach to LOUD outside alarm (battery back-up).
3) Swallow your pride, & tell the neighbors a basic version of what is going on (restraining order on bro, please call 911 if house alarm goes off & you don't answer house phone -give them all a card your phone # & cell #). My brother's neighbor was murdered by her ex-boyfriend. Might not have happened if she hadn't been too proud to tell them what was going on.

Has your mom been a witness to all this drama? I know in my old age I wouldn't want to be witness to this much "stuff" going on. Your brother beat you so bad you got a concussion and you have health issues?!

I think your attorney is wise in protecting your mom by moving her to a facility. You yourself said your brother will retaliate. That sounds ominous.

Is it I and/or she is ready? Can she verbalize what she wants? Is she ready? I sure wouldn't want to be in the toxic environment you describe. I honestly don't think you would be letting your mom down, but giving her a step up.

I really don't have any words of wisdom but I sure as heck feel horrible for you! I would have that brother of yours arrested if he takes one step too close to you!! He sounds like he needs some medical/mental help.

If you are overwhelmed and your health is hurting I would not feel guilty about about placing your Mom in a facility. We can only do what we can do. You are NOT letting anyone down!!!

Please take care of yourself. Do you have a circle of friends or family to help you get through this? Blessing to you!!!

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