Follow
Share

Oh God.... No respect, run ragged, used, etc.
I have sent notes before about my situation regarding my dad in hospital ( 3 months now) and my mother still at home, when she SHOULD be in a care facility.
I received a very upsetting phone call from a nurse at the hospital were my dad is telling me he wasn't doing very well and he will be on strong antibiotics due to a lung infection and to be prepared because of his advancing age and mounting medical issues. I panicked !!!! Told my husband we HAD to go to the hospital in the morning and see him. I hardly slept at all that night not knowing what to expect.
My dad had given me POA because he could no longer do any of his own banking and other errands that NEVER end. I got a hold of the Notary that first drew up the original document for the POA and had them upgraded to EPOA to protect my parents home. There has been many realtors that target elderly people to coerce them into selling there homes for far less than the value of the property. My mother is almost 95 and I didn't want her to be a victim of these charlatans. She met me at the hospital and talked to my dad and tried to explain to him this is VERY important to do this. It will give me more power to make decisions. He signed the documents. Now, he thinks I am the bad guy and he thinks the Notary is trying to get her hands on his nest egg. Wrong... she has nothing to do with it. It's legal document to protect them. He has laid around in the hospital and the staff can hardly do anything with him because he just won't co-operate. When I visit him he tells me to leave after about an hour. I drive for 4 plus hours return trips to see him and check on my mother. I call my mom at least 4 times a week and him as well because there is a remote phone for patients to use.

I am often told that I need to set boundaries with my parents and put myself ahead of them because they have had there lives. In the past 3 months I have lost 19 lbs. and I won't need to colour my hair any more because my hair is turned so white from stress.
I have a duty to care for them but my health is going down the toilet. I work full time and I'm trying to keep up my own home and take care of all there needs.
Am I being selfish? Was changing the POA a bad idea? I don't know what to do anymore. I am an only child and at times I wish that I had not been born. I'm just worn out, frustrated and the list goes on and on......
Thanks for listening,
Anksana-Moon

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing

14 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
thanks Anksana,,but I am not always strong.I try very hard but their are times when i cry myself to sleep or just fall into bed so tired that i don't want to wake up.There are even time i wish she wouldn't wake up,but we still manage each day at a time.I feel guilty about my husband and son and what they give up so i can do what i need to do for my mother.I think i miss my grandchilds last couple of years the most we were so very close and now he's 14 and has his own life as a teenager.Just hang in there and if you need to chat just let me know..Some of my friends use to listen but they don't understand and seem to not want to talk about the things we need to talk about,thatss when i found this site.I believe it helps.
(0)
Report
Anksana I can tell buy your question and your posts in response to others you've got a lot of goodness in you. You are focused on what's important for your parents which is a good thing. When you feel yourself getting stressed out you must remind yourself that you can't fail if you are doing the right thing. I had a friend who always said "nothing beats a failure but a try!" You do need to eliminate the bad thoughts and focus on the good. It is hard but try not to waist energy on things you can't control. Your Father may think someone has ill intentions but your doing your best to try to keep his fears from happening. You do need to care for yourself in the process if you fall apart the rest will too. So it is not selfish to care for yourself it's what you need to do to move on. That does not mean drop everything and run, it just means if you need to relax so you can focus, do it. Feed your soul with whatever it is you need to make you whole. Guilt is a negative feeling, cross guilt off your list and turn it into an energy that is useful. Most caregivers feel that we have a thankless job (WE DO). I go to sleep peacefully knowing everyday I try my hardest to make sure my Mom is happy and living at the best quality of life possible. Sometimes in my care, Mom would say mean and nasty things to me but that to me meant, I must be doing something right because she knows I am caring for her and she just does not want me to know that she is really saying thank you for being there for me.... If she did say that it would mean she gave up herself. That is what I did to get through, I would interpret her words with emotions. I think any parent hates to give in and say OK do with me as you must especially to their children. It's been their instinct to protect you and not the other way around. I hope this helps you. Hugs to you!!!
(2)
Report
Sharon,
You are just amazing !!!! So... Amazing... I can only hope to be as strong as you.
Forever Hugs,
Anksana
(1)
Report
No, the EPOA was correct to get. You are being responsible and appropriate, don't let your dad's certainty that he is right and everyone else is just trying to make his life difficult make you doubt yourself so deeply. You are the one who knows what is coming and what must be done, and has both the compassion and the cognition to take the lead and carry on.
(1)
Report
i am glad they will place them together,don't worry about your dad the nurse hopefully won't let your mom bullie him.When it rains it pours sometimes.i am dealing with the irs and her penion .her x got it mailed to him and won't turn the 1099 over so she can finish her taxes.they say things happen in 3 so mine this week have been a broken tooth (me) lawn mow broken and the garbage disposal went out. And for the first time mom tried to hit me,she never had a mean bone or bad word to say about anyone so this is a huge change.But i just smile ,tell her nicely that she shouldn't do that to someone she loves and she said sorry i love you too. most of the time shes sweet the hardest thing for me are bm accidents but i've learned to handle those too.I don't know where my strength has come from but i'll take it. I do miss being with my husband he's a saint. Hope you get a nap and feel better.
(2)
Report
Lostgina, You poor love.. I so feel for you. I wish we could all meet and have a great get together and of course LOTS of WINE, fabulous food and just being together and if Karma's true, turn into life long friends.
Anksana-Moon
(2)
Report
going to get that book, yet my mother always has thought the world revolved around her! Now it truely does. I probablly wont ever get a chance to read it because all my spare time is spent on her.
(0)
Report
Christina... You're Awesome !!!!!
(1)
Report
I think you will have your life back soon. You are in charge of your life, not your parents. Break Away. Detach. Take what you have learned that is valid and ignore the rest. You are your own Master. I wish I could lose 19 pounds;((( lol xo
(0)
Report
JessieBelle... Luv YA!!!!
Luv and Hugs,
Anksana
(1)
Report
Anksana, sometimes I think parents are offered a book on how they can be the most difficult parent possible when they get older. I think many of the parents on this group read that book. They sure can be difficult. It is discouraging to give so much, only to have them accuse us of bad things. We often hear that there is no point in arguing, but it sure gets frustrating to hear bad things about ourselves and not be able to defend. It makes me feel angry and heartsick, so I imagine that you feel the same way. Often I ask myself why I put myself through it. I haven't come up with a completely good answer for that, except "if not me, then who?" I know that someone has to do it.

You sound like you are doing a very good job in a difficult situation. I wish you could find a way to make it easier. Maybe someday soon we'll look back and understand why we are going through these things. I am glad that we have each other to write to. I think I would go crazy at times without the group.

The Emotional Vampires is on my reading list.
(1)
Report
Dear Sharon and 3 pink roses..
Thank you for reading my letter. It means a lot to me that I have others to talk to. My mother is the poster child of difficult. She has always been bossy, demanding and a control freak. I am waiting for the hospital to find placement for my dad and mother in the same facility. I truly believe that my dad has kept himself ill to keep from being sent home to mom. She is a VERY draining person. She oozes negativity. I shouldn't feel the way I do towards her, but I understand this is a huge upheaval in her life. They have lived in the same house for 56 years and now she is faced with having to leave her home. She is disabled due to her own health negligence. It is everyone else's
fault she is the way she is. I asked her not to long ago why she only went back to the surgeon once after she had her feet operated on for gigantic bunions that she left for 20 years untreated. She told me that she had no one to take her to the doctor. I reminded her that I had offered many times but she wasn't interested. Now she is a MESS to say the least. My dad has been the victim of having to care for her needs constantly. How he has kept himself from choking her I'll never know. When I did get her into the doctor about her feet, he told her that she had left it so long there was nothing he could do for her. Wow... another way to stay dependant on others. There is a book that you all might find very interesting. It's called. "The Emotional Vampires". People that drain you dry. Wow.. a lightning strike of truth for trying to deal with seemingly impossible situations. I worked until 1 a.m. this morning and I think it's nap time for me. Bless you for all you do as well and being there and caring enough to be there.
Love and Hugs to all,
Anksana-Moon
(2)
Report
Anksana - my heart goes out to you and you have a lot on your plate. You have done everything right - don't second guess yourself. Caregiving often causes health issues for ourselves due to the stress.

You are a loving and caring daughter who is becoming so burnt out. You can only do so much and a SNF might be the answer before too long. I had both my parents hospitalized and at rehabs at the same time, so I empathize with what you are going through. Your job is to keep them safe and cared for and also look out for your own health and well-being. They will not always be happy with what transpires; but that is how it is and they have to adjust to the changes in their lives. Bless you for all you do and take care.
(2)
Report
i am right with you my friend,i care for my mom I had to move in to protect her from an abusive second husband who would not give her meds,tried to take her house and i went through hell when finally he filed for divorce. This cost a bunch and he took her pension and i am a only child now.My son and husband live in another town and come every other day.This is very hard but you have to protect them and he will get over it.I have tired to get help but i didn't like the way they did nothing and so i am back to myself and husband who helps give me breaks.hang in there or find somewhere to place both of them together.
(2)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter