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I have been my father-in-law's caregiver for two and a half years and I honestly do not think I can take much more. The hospice nurse feels that he has possibly six to eight weeks left, but she jokingly said that he could be here another year. He has end stage copd/emphysema.
I do not love my father-in-law and he is so manipulative that I just end up resenting him more everyday.
I am at the point of just doing what I need to do. Every suggestion I have made, i.e., sitters, medical alert system, hospice volunteers, he has just refused. He receives a decent check every month, so he could afford this, no problem.
He tries to micro manage everything I do. I am so stressed out that my doctor put me on Klonopin. I am always sick to my stomach, headaches, body aches.
My husband works in Landscaping ( more hours in spring and summer ) and now has started to spend every saturday with his son and now wants to spend week ends at his cousin's horse farm.
I just feel that they both are treating me unfairly.
I have not had a paycheck in over two years and my clothes are literally falling to pieces. I am use to working, and having my own income. I cannot remember the last time I have had anything new, or even had my hair cut.
I am really trying not to sink into self pity, but I am just so angry! My father-in-law gives me $20 a week for all the work I do.
I just feel like running away.
The last time I broached the subject of getting more help from my husband, he exploded and stormed out of the house.
He is not my father and I know my husband should do more. even when he is home, he is either working in the yard or on the computer.
As more time goes by, I dislike the way my husband is handeling this and I have lost some respect for him. I feel this whole expierence may ruin my marriage.
What else can I do? I am at my wits end.

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Dina, I read through all 100+ posts and your situation is breaking my heart. God wants us to be happy. God does not put shit in our lives - we do. God does not want us to be abused nor does She want us to abuse ourselves. You are using God as an excuse to do nothing about your situation. God is not inertia. God is Love. You cannot love others before you love yourself and your actions suggest that you have low self esteem. Do you feel worthy of love? Unless you believe that you are nothing can change. It's October and I'm wondering what you've been doing since your last post in April. I hope for your sake that you've squirreled away lots of cash, have gone to your friend's house 50 miles away and are looking for a job or temp work. And one more thing about God and I've said this before on this forum: the Commandment to honor thy father and mother does NOT mean caring for an abuser. We honor our fathers and mothers by accepting them for who they are. There is absolutely NO obligation beyond that. Your boyfriend and his father are abusers and that is never going to change so the change needs to come from you. Be the change you want to see. Forget about domestic violence - they're as effective at helping abused women as a bartender is at an AA meeting. Start being kind to yourself, walking your little dog, taking care of yourself (hair, clothes) and holding your head up. I hope you're okay because it's been 5 months since we last heard from you.
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Hello i can related with lot of this discussion I'm a live in caregiver To my sister mother law And there are days it can be so stressful And she argues and can be smartellic hateful But I know it the dementia I would like to leave Not being selfish but would like my life back I feel like I have no outlet When I move in her health phycially was declining She has her up and downs memory is decling And i feel trapped I would like to have my own place Job outside of care gviing I have to deal with her daughter She like micro manage my life I get break hear And there But I feel like all my social and work skills have been wasted. But when we are care givers I get into this to try to help the person and care for them the best when can It seem like it harder And we take a lot There are good and bad days for me I can get very depressed I feel like the lady her health has improved And she very independent memory declining I So i can start getting my social skills And use my work experience But i haven't been able to find a job I ask her daughter If I could work Doing the day But she really never give a answer I'm so frustrated Because nothing changing for me Don't feel like myself Know I can do better I need to find stabilty in my life Again Thank you caregivers Carolyn
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Hello to all,
Yes, Bonnie, I did see my brother, a short visit, but a good one. We just did normal things, lunch, some shopping and he took me to my favorite garden supply store.
I have just decided, when I have a chance to get out for a while, I am going.
My fil even gave me some money to buy some herb plants. My garden is one of my greatest joys.
I started thinking tonight, that we all, as humans, are faced with problems and hardships throughout life. If one can find joy in the simple things, then you cannot stray to far off the course of a happy life. And, also, take care of yourself first, or your no good to anyone else.
Not to say, that I do not have trying times with my fil, cause i still do. Just the other day, I asked him if he needed anything, because I was getting ready to take a power nap. My new meds., make me a bit sleepy. Within 10 minutes, that time you hit rem sleep, he comes close to my room, complaining because I forgot the buy milk. I very calmly told him, unless it was an emergency, that he was not to bother me when I take a nap. I belive he took me very serious, as my little 15 lb. dog, does not allow anyone to bother me if I am in bed.
Not to say, that my partner and I do not have our problems, but I do think things are o.k. for now.
I cannot make up for a father-son relationship that never existed. As they say, it is what it is.
My strength comes from God; I know it does. Prayer works.
Care to all,
Dinagrey
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Oh Stacylee, so sorry for your family!
Is your mom recovering from pnuemonia? Still under doctors care?
This may be totally impossible, but could your mom go with your dad into the facility and then when she is well, go back home?
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We have had an opportunity to get my dad into a memory care unit because he is still mobil and can eat solid food. Although he does have to have help getting started with his fork, etc. We do have hospice and home health but my mother is in dire need of respite care for my dad. She has had a bad case of pnuemonia. My fear is that right now my mom still says she wants to care for dad at home. But when he becomes too much for her, then he won't be eligible for this nice of a facility. At that point, we may not have a choice of where we put him. We have begged, pleaded......to no avail. I am concerned for her health. It is taking it's toll on my sister and I as well. We are there weekends, and several days a week. We love our parents and want to help. Just don't know if we can keep up this pace and work and take care of our families too.
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ChristinaW,
How is your Mother today? Did you get the walk in and was she more alert?
Bet you are very worried. Not wanting to eat or even wake up is not a good sign.
Does she have any favorite smells? I've done some "interviewing techniques" programs and smells are one way to stimulate the mind. If she had a favorite perfume or flower...try to being that around. If she liked Pumpkin Pie bring some of the spices on a piece of buttered toast and float it under her nose. Vanilla? Cinnamon? Any thinig you think might make her say "Oh, that smells so good!" Are you allowed scented candles?
Hope the weather was fine for the walk. Great idea.
Let me know how it went.
xxoo, Bonnie
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My Mom is refusing help, though we have a caregiver. She is in denial about her Alzheimer's. I'm at the point where if things don't change, I will set up someone to live with her permanently and I will leave. You are in charge. I am telling my Mom if things don't change, she will have to live at a memory care facility. Put yourself first. I've decided I'm going to!
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Hi Bonnie, I just left Mother and first time she will not wake up to eat dinner.
I try to go late afternoon and into dinner to feed her and spend more time. The caregivers said " just shake her, keep shaking her, to make her eat." I said no.
And don't purée her chicken and carrots with the fruit because she can chew.
They do that for 2 of the catatonic women. God help us! I'll go back earlier tomorrow, take her for a walk around the block to wake her up. I prefer the fresh air method. I hope ALL besieged caregivers had a pleasant Saturday. I am not besieged, but I was a couple years ago. I remember, and I always will, and you have my deep empathy for your sacrifices. XoxO
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How is the weekend going for folks?
Dina. How is your brother?
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You need respite care. You need fun. You need a break. Maybe your doctor needs to write a prescription for a vacation. If your husband doesn't take that seriously, maybe he needs to be shamed into doing the right thing. Get his preacher or religious guy to tell him you need a break and ongoing help.

Is this marriage even worth being in?

Your husband is escaping. You need an escape. You are not your husbands slave or your father-in-laws servant.

Why are you living in his house? Because he wants some since of power and control. Is the house free and clear meaning paid in full? Is the house in your husband's name or his father's. You can go to the county court house and find out. Also, see if there are any lien's against the property.

Private care where I live is $16 to $24 an hour.
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I was dealing with my MIL who was very sweet. The problem was I was the only one doing anything. Her daughter did nothing, my husband, her son wanted nothing to do with anything as did her other son.

When I asked for help from her daughter, we ended up in a huge fight. That was the last straw for me. After that fight I told my husband he needed to sit down with his siblings and explain to them that I was now out of the picture and they were all in charge of their mother's care.

That was when they all decided it was time to place their mother in a NH.
Whatever you do decide, stand your ground and do not give in to their apologies, that is just to get you to continue doing everything.

Let your husband know it has become too much for you and you can no longer deal with everything. Tell him it is up to him now (and any siblings that may be in the picture), since it is his father.

I didn't have to do what Pamela Sue suggests, but if you feel you need to do that because your relationship with your husband is to that point, then do what you need to do for your own health and peace of mind.
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Good point Dina.
But, do you have an attorney, power of attorney, health care proxy and a living will?
Who is your advocate?
Who is looking out for you, Dina?

You are a very smart cookie, compasionate, loving, caring, hard working, faithful...and maybe even fun loving!
You have grown in my admiration over these past few weeks.

Here is a thought for you about Faith
When you come to othe very end of your knowing\
When you reach the edge of all the light you can see
and you are forced to step out into the unknown
FAITH
is knowing one of two things will happen
you will step onto solid ground or
you will be taught how to fly.

Dina, hang on girl to your faith.
Bonnie
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I would suggest an attorney to get power of attorney, health care proxy and have a living will made,if she is sound of mind, if not then you would have to petition the court for guardanship.
I will be 50 this oct.
Dina
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Married or not married, I guess it is pretty clear this man does not care enough about you or have the kind of long term committment to you and yoru well-being that an intimate human relationship really requires. There is not a good reason to stay committed to the situation, unless a miracle occurs and you rediscover what drew you together in the first place, and find you can become committed to one another again. I am so sorry to hear how this is turning out, you gave such a big chunk of your life to him. To take on full time caregiving is a self-sacrificial gift and to have that gift so devalued (your health is not worth $49.00 and a couple of car rides???) is beyond acceptability.
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Dina,
Have you thought that God's plan for caring for the fil was the extent of the plan? Meaning you are with his son only to provide a Goddriven path to the father? People come and go in our lives as you well know.
It still seems you will need a respite from both of them after all...
Can you confide in your brother? Would it be possible for him to be a solid rock for YOU?
Sounds like you will need some financial and physical help in getting all this sorted out. Having the medical conditions mixed with these trigger areas, isn't good for you.
Hope the antidepresents work for you. Do you like the doctor? Does s/he listen to you and ask about follow up to see if the Rx really is working? I forgot what you are taking but all these Rx's have different affects on different body chemistry. Some may help perfectly and others may have little affect.
If you aren't feeling much better in two weeks, call the doctor and describe when and how you are taking the meds...any chance they interact with the other meds?
You should also be given something that can be taken for immediate action. Meaning, when you are getting overwhelmed, a quick action pill like ambian or Lorazepam (generic). That is not for daily use, but will help within 30 minutes of taking it. Of course, check with your doctor, I'm just thinking of your panic times and crying fits...all of which makes perfect sense with your life right now.

Take care! Bonnie
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Welcome LolaBeMe!
There are some interesting articles on financial planning and such in this forum which may help you decide the best path for your mom.
8 years! My goodness. what has that done to your life?
Do you have additional support, help in doing this caregiving?
Bless you!
Bonnie
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Hi Dina, I have been following your story since last night. This is the first time I have come to this site. I was looking for information on how I could transfer/deplete my Mom's money and investments (for her sake) in case she would need medical care in the future. She's is near the later part (stage 6) of Alzheimer's Disease and I am her full time caregiver for 8 years now.
I do not usually make comments on any posts on any sites, but the heading on your post caught me because I feel the same as you lately..... beyond desperate, and I mean that in all aspects of mental, emotional and physical. I have so much I'd like to say to you, but I can't at the moment as I have caregiver deeds I must do and I will not finish them until about 11:00 pm. I will check back with you later. Hang in there for a minute more girlfriend. BTW how old are you?
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My fil seems to be doing well at the moment. My brother comes tomorrow for a vist, whom I have not seen since my mother's passing ( five years ago ). We have never been very close, but not for lack of trying. My stepfather, who raised my brothers and I was very abusive towards my mother and us children. So, he never wants to talk about it.......in denial, I guess.
No, my boyfriend probably will not help me. He has before, a bit. He will, at least, drive me to a job, after his dad passes. Then, I can save some money.
The last place we lived was very nice, one block from the water, but we had two roommates and between the two of us, paying almost $1000.00 per month. It is painfully clear to me, that he did not want to live alone with me. Even friends, would ask, why we didn't get our own place or why he didn't ever take me out. I just told everyone we were homebodies ( which we are ) and loved the water too much to move into a small apartment. It seems as if I have always made excuses for him.
When I think back, on how we met and the situation he was in, I could kick myself. His wife of 28 years had just left him two months before. He was sick with diverticulitis and I felt so sorry for him. Even back then, I took care of him. I was a manager of a storage facility and was working crazy hours, but I loved it. A two bedroom apartment was even provided. My mother got sicker, so I had to take care of her and leave my job.
I have always worked and/or gone to school. Active in my church, volunteering, friends, staying busy.
I am also bipolar and take medication for that. I just began antidepressants.
I am thinking about applying for partial disability.
I guess we all can only take one day at a time and pray. I know God has a purpose for us all. And, I am standing up for myself ( which is one of the things I prayed for ) Sometimes, I think, this man is not God's plan for me, maybe that's why it is not working, but there is a purpose for me as a caregiver for his dad. I know that much.
Thanks to all,
dina
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Dina...thanks for clearing up the marital status.
Now I see why you said you wanted him to provide a car and some money to get re-established when you leave.
However, I'm not sure he is going to do that from the sounds of it all.

How is the fil?
Can you get away for a few days?
You do need a (new) life back. start planning what you want your new life to be like! Get focused and look for positive paths.

hugs,
Bonnie
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it takes between 10 and 14 days for the drugs to kick in, and then things start to feel a little easier. Situation is still the same, circumstances haven't changed, but the panic, chaos, depression and overwhelmingness of it all is a little lessened. I started my Anti Depressants on Monday, so am also hanging in there for the "lifting". Hang in there, xxxx
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My husband did take me to the doctor's and the lab to get my blood work. When I told the lab work cost $49 he just gave me a look of shock, as if I asked for hundreds. I got my fil to pay for the lab work and got a vitamin b shot ( on my husband's card ). That's the first time I have ever used his money for anything without asking.
I am on a drug program, that assists with the major meds. The doctor did start me on cymbalta ( yes ). Gave me enough samples and free prescriptions for two months. So I do not have to see her again, until June.
When I told my husband, he looked at me and asked " how are you going to get there?" Then he complained about how much money he lost, because he took the day off and how his co-workers must hate him, because he was not there.
Now, let me add, that I refer to him as my husband, but we are not legally married. We have been together 8 years. It was just easier for to type father-in-law, instead of boyfriend's father. Any way, I would not marry him, if he was the last man on the planet.. I am beginning to really dislike him more and more.
He kept going on about the money he lost that day and I said what about money I have lost in two years, because I have not had a paying job, looking after your dad. On the low scale, about $24,000.00. All of a sudden, he does not want to talk about it.
I also receive EBT, about $200 per month, so in reality, he does not support me, fianancially or emotionally.
Lovestinks, I know what you are talking about........there will be a moment, when I know that I just cannot tak eit any longer, well, that moment is on the horizon.
Thanks to all of you for your kind words.
Dina
ps
lovestinks, i hope and pray that you can get the help for your daughter.
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Bookluvr....
I am relieved to know it's possible to have things just turn around for the better. I had no idea you had such a rough beginning I should have read your public profile. You are very young for all your knowledge and the valuable insights I've read in your threads(haven't had a chance to read them all). I was just caught up in the whole society does nothing for mental health and tired of people getting paid for doing jobs they don't actually do....really.... we are caregivers we have to manage every minute of the day a totally daunting, exhausting and thankless job...for me to spend hours on the phone for days....time I just don't have, then some suit that sits at his desk all day taking home a cool 50,000 a year for telling me I can't when I obviously can cause I did.... there is something very wrong with the process. The sad part is that suit is no different then any politician now a days making the decisions for our future. Get this, he kinda accused me for her over achieving explaining that he didn't care how his daughter did in school and let her basically raise herself and she doesn't need a mental health professional. She doing fine in community college. He has no idea of our pressures from the family and caregiving....Was I so wrong to reward good grades and ignore bad? Was I wrong to tell them that if they were reading they didn't have to do chores? I am venting again sorry, I need to get some sleep. That "salesman" hit a nerve. Both my daughters are book lovers.
Dinagrey, I know this is your forum....just went off a little...still thinking of you and wishing you well. Pamela Sue is right it's amazing how much more attention you get when you threaten suicide...it's really sad that you have to go that far. But it's true :(
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I still have the perfect painless suicide plan. It's always there in the back of my mind. Only good in the very coldest of months though, lolz.
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No, no, you misunderstood me. I grew up from a very dysfunctional family. When I missed the bus as a kindergartener, I cried so hard because I much rather go to school than stay home. School was my Sanctuary - even though I was bullied, punched, etc... I much rather be in school than home - which was much worse in my young mind. Around age 8 or 9, I prayed to God on why he made me be born. Hence, from a very young age, I wanted death so much more than to be alive. All my young life, I was picked on both at school/home. My siblings had to fight my aggressors in school. I have lost most (96%) of my childhood and early teen years memories. I have always been suicidal because I kept everything in. I knew in high school how messed up I was and needed counseling to "straighten" my head inside. But I chugged along in life - and did what I have to do to live. Then when I finally ended up with 2 bedridden parents 2 years ago - and no help from my 6 siblings -physical help. ..that was my turning point.

I started Googling on the painless and most effective way to commit suicide. In the meantime, I emailed, called, texted siblings of my home situation, the feelings of resentment, anger, etcc.. building up in me, how I'm now researching suicide online. NOTHING was done. I was Ignored. I finally found the Right Suicide for me. I knew how to do it, where (so that my body can be found) and the means to do it (all within easy access.) Finally the day came, when I woke up one morning, and found myself crying so hard in the restroom. I decided that I will kill myself on Friday when my bosses return from their trip (only 3 of us in the company.)

A part of me knew that this was IT. A part of me - the fighter, the survivor - did not want to die. I came on this site - on another person's thread - and cried for help. I got it. This site saved my life - last June. Since then, I was able to rearrange my thinking towards my "useless" siblings and moved forward.

Since then, I spent weeks venting, venting all my anger, resentment and bitterness here. I am just sooooo glad that in those weeks, all my commentors were nice to me. No subtle blames or anything because I was truly in very fragile state. I was able to become somewhat whole inside and am no longer so bitter and angry with my siblings, with the world, with God. I finally forgave God in November (??) last year. (Has to do with the commandment to HONOR our parents...)

Believe it or not, I am no longer suicidal. It is soooooo strange to live daily and NOT have suicidal thoughts lurking!! It just amazes me and I really don't even know how I got rid of it. Just that one day, I was soooo stressed and was sooo shocked when NO suicidal thoughts popped up. Huh??? That was when I realized I had stopped thinking of suicide and never even realized it until then.

Sorry, have to go....father is complaining about his pampers and breakfast. Later!
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Lovestinks and Book, I totally understand your misery. My daughter was like this in high school. She's had and still has a very rough road to recovery. It scares you! It breaks your heart. You can get medical attention for physical diseases but its a struggle to get help for mental issues even in 2013, even in the huge city. You both are in my thoughts.
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Holybooklur!
My daughter could have written that! Those are her terms "normal" and "regulars". I fear that the internet has harmed her more then helped...so many options...so much information with out anyone there to validate it. Like I said she is an over achiever so there is no rock left un turned. My Insurance broker just informed me it is his job to help me with this, that's what he gets a commission for. When I told him she was seeing a counselor he went crazy and said she wasn't covered and out of network and I need authorizations blah, blah, blah. I tried to explain I already called the HMO and got her name from it's website...Still insisted that she isn't in network. When I checked "my claims" on the HMO website it showed that the counselor has already been paid 6 claims since February. So what does his commission pay? For him to tell me I can't when I obviously can? AGGGGH.
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Lovestinks, incredible how difficult it is to get your daughter the necessary help when you see in commercials, news, etc...how so many teens commit suicide. I made straight A's in high school, and I was suicidal. Just because you're doing great in the outside doesn't mean you're doing great in the inside. We're very good at blending in with the "normals." Why do you think so many family are shocked when people actually do the "deed." or "the plan."

If your daughter is willing to seek help, can she try calling the 1800 number?
Or maybe you can check out this website for teens and teenage problems at....teenhelp....I would Google more but I'm really tired (late at night here.)

I hope you will be able to find help before it's too late. Weird how they won't accept self-pay.
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Hay Dinagrey hope you find happier moments everyday. Just be careful. Holding on to what little they give is slowly reducing your chances of getting away. Wait for your moment , that word , phrase or act that will be the last one. It will come, just recognize it when it gets here. You will be okay without them. They have taught you to survive in minimalist circumstances, take advantage of it for your own self preservation. Like you, I don't have a lot of time to correspond here, but I do feel when I read the threads...I feel something different and that's working for me. I know what your saying about the d**n Dr.s ! I have an over achieving child that needs to see a psychiatrist for suicidal thoughts. (long story, but this caregiving gig I'm strapped with hasn't helped anyone in my family except MIL) I have spent hours every day for the last 10 days trying to get someone that will see her. The school psychologist blow her off because she is doing great in school (what could possibly be wrong?) The HMO doesn't pay, so no good Dr.s accept the plan....and get this, they won't accept self pay...Why? Not sure but it's very exhausting to know there is no one that will help. She sees a wonderful counselor (who is trying to pull favors to get her seen) but she can't prescribe meds. and at this point the counselor is telling me it's cruel not to give her some kind of pharmaceutical relief. What's a Mother to do? I haven't slept with the fear of what I might find in the morning. Sorry didn't mean to go off on my thing. I understand what your going through it's all very real and sad that this society does so little for the metal health of people. I wish I had something other then commiserating with you, but I think you know what's best for you and it sounds like you are doing what you can for now....Good luck be well find that happiness (love to see you paintings)
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Just run away. Do you know what I did when no one listened to me? and I mean my doctors as well. I told them I was going to kill myself. THEN and only THEN did I ever get anyone's g--damned attention. Is it drastic? Of course. But when everyone pushed me they got what they got. I was a woman seeking a bed in a man's VA and I was tired of not getting a bed in the damned psych ward for the last several months. I found the way in. Was I suicidal? Yes, but I had children and was working very hard not to go there. It's just that I knew if they didn't help me it might be too late, so I threatened them. This was back in 1992.

Don't be polite anymore. To the doctors, Refuse to wait for a bed. To the husband and his father, Refuse to stick around the house. Tell them this is what you want and you want it now.
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Love and prayers for you Dina!
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