Stressed out by mother's refusal to make decisions.
My mother who is living independently in her own home with no obvious signs of dementia, refuses to make decisions regarding her present and future care. She has COPD and on oxygen with difficulty walking to far. I live an hours drive and work. She refuses to consider hiring outside help or using any form of public transportation even those that provide for the elderly and handicapped. My sister and I cannot always be available all the time to take her shopping and her never ending doctors appointments we have to work. She refuses to move closer or into a more senior friendly place. She relies on the next door neighbor to mow her lawn and shovel her driveway for which she does pay for, but the neighbor works and is not always available. I do have DPOA, but she is still considered competent by her doctors. I see she is slowly declining and wants to be a recluse and watch TV all day. She would so much benefit living in a senior community or assisted living. I have cannot make last minute changes to my work schedule if she needs to see a doctor immediately. Her neediness and inconsideration is a major stress in my life. It would be so much easier if she was willing to compromise in some of her care, but it is all or nothing with her. I live in fear each day for when the ball will drop and I will have to make decisions for her that she will not like. My sister in a contingent on the DPOA. I am seriously thinking of resigning as primary DPOA. Fed up with her living with her head stuck in the sand thinking she can continue living as she is until she dies.
I explained this to her but she makes fun of me as if I am an idiot. So.....should something happen to my brother and she doesn't have or can't appoint an alternate, she will be in the hands of the state appointed guardian. I explained this to her, I don't feel bad about it and it is her choice.
You can lead a horse to water but........well you get my point.
Yes, it can do odd things to your mind. Even if there's not a strong emotional connection.
A neighbor in our rural area wrecked his car and decided to give up driving immediately -- which left us driving him to all his appointments. Which meant, when appointments conflicted, us calling the doctors to rearrange them. Tho he had dementia, his calls to us weren't really unrealistic -- but still the whole thing got on our nerves way out of proportion! And ruined the friendship we used to have with him. He'd get mad if we changed an appointment etc, finally accused us of interfering too much and turned against us.
I totally agree with others let her do her own thing until she cant cope anymore ive learnt to switch off a bit as im never ever going to change her. She wants to live out her life her way so until she falls or worse you cannot let this get to you as you will get ill I know its hard and was pretty close to a breakdown only last week but everyone told e me here WHY am i getting so stressed and wasting time and energy nagging her and trying to get her to do things I have decided to just spend time with her and let go she hasnt got long and im not going to nag her until she dies. I would get her some extra help though but if she refuses then step back and just spend time with her and try and enjoy it. I got myself into such a state last year that I got very ill I cant afford to worry about her constantly its not healthy. I think everyone on this site goes through this until you learn to back off for your own sake my mum is still competent and its frustrating shes not going anywhere?? Oh ya think! leave it until the time is right when she will have to take her future seriously. My sis thinks it will take a serious fall to wake them up I told her dont be so sure they are pretty damn stubborn!
So let her do what she wants and be there when you can, but don't twist yourself into a pretzel to help her if it is going to jeopardize your mental health, happiness, or job. And work on letting the rest go. You're not Superwoman and you can't meet every need that your mom has. If and when things change, you can help your mom take the next steps to change her situation.
"Her neediness and inconsideration is a major stress in my life. It would be so much easier if she was willing to compromise..."
Sounds like she just wants to do what she is doing as long as she can, and does not see why that should upset you. She's the one sick and dying, and knows it, and wants as much control as she can have. You may have to set limits, be realistic and tell her you may not be able to get her to all her doctor's appointments; you might have to have a care manager and non-emergency medical transport if you can't take time off work, or reschedule. But if she is competent, her decisions on how to live out her life are in fact hers to make. You are just going to beating your head on the wall if you want her to be a different person than she is....unless there is a treatable depression or some other way of helping her feel more energized, and if she had more energy and well being she would be happy to socialize more despite dragging along the oxygen tank, etc.
When she reached the point of not being able to make her own decisions, which may or may not ever happen with your mom, then we did the best we could to make good things happen and occasionally succeeded, but again, she herself did not change very much. I wanted that caregiving time with Mom to be a lot more fun with a lot more positive experiences for the grandkids to remember, I wanted Mom to freely enjoy herself too instead of worrying, fussing, complaining, yelling and scolding most of the time. But a person can only change so much and come so far in this lifetime I guess! I used to pray my mom would open up and do stuff that would have enriched all of our lives. But the answer that came to me was that she was doing what she thought was right, and that should not be taken away from her. NOT the answer I wanted to hear...but it was true...it would not necessarily have been good if Mom really went and did things she did not believe she was supposed to do.