Stressed out by mother's refusal to make decisions.

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My mother who is living independently in her own home with no obvious signs of dementia, refuses to make decisions regarding her present and future care. She has COPD and on oxygen with difficulty walking to far. I live an hours drive and work. She refuses to consider hiring outside help or using any form of public transportation even those that provide for the elderly and handicapped. My sister and I cannot always be available all the time to take her shopping and her never ending doctors appointments we have to work. She refuses to move closer or into a more senior friendly place. She relies on the next door neighbor to mow her lawn and shovel her driveway for which she does pay for, but the neighbor works and is not always available. I do have DPOA, but she is still considered competent by her doctors. I see she is slowly declining and wants to be a recluse and watch TV all day. She would so much benefit living in a senior community or assisted living. I have cannot make last minute changes to my work schedule if she needs to see a doctor immediately. Her neediness and inconsideration is a major stress in my life. It would be so much easier if she was willing to compromise in some of her care, but it is all or nothing with her. I live in fear each day for when the ball will drop and I will have to make decisions for her that she will not like. My sister in a contingent on the DPOA. I am seriously thinking of resigning as primary DPOA. Fed up with her living with her head stuck in the sand thinking she can continue living as she is until she dies.

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My mother reluctantly appointed my brother POA, Medical POA, executor of her will and put him on her checks. That was only done after much fighting and fuming. She didn't appoint me alternate. If he dies, she has no one.

I explained this to her but she makes fun of me as if I am an idiot. So.....should something happen to my brother and she doesn't have or can't appoint an alternate, she will be in the hands of the state appointed guardian. I explained this to her, I don't feel bad about it and it is her choice.

You can lead a horse to water but........well you get my point.
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Yep damned if you do and damned if you dont! My mum tells family that im interfering with her life and that im a bully yeh making apts for her health is interfering and bullying. I switch off and do what I can if something serious happens then its her own stubborn fault i keep taking up rugs as they are so dangerous for her,she puts them back,I take them up,she puts them back and on and on and on................ how im not stircrazy and in a straight jacket by now is nothing short of a miracle!
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@ kazzaa
Yes, it can do odd things to your mind. Even if there's not a strong emotional connection.

A neighbor in our rural area wrecked his car and decided to give up driving immediately -- which left us driving him to all his appointments. Which meant, when appointments conflicted, us calling the doctors to rearrange them. Tho he had dementia, his calls to us weren't really unrealistic -- but still the whole thing got on our nerves way out of proportion! And ruined the friendship we used to have with him. He'd get mad if we changed an appointment etc, finally accused us of interfering too much and turned against us.
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If you saw the birthday card I got my mum youd all have a laugh! theres a picture of this little old lady pulling a HUGE luggage trolly with about 20 luggage bags packed sky high! the caption "do what they all say you cant do!" so apt.

I totally agree with others let her do her own thing until she cant cope anymore ive learnt to switch off a bit as im never ever going to change her. She wants to live out her life her way so until she falls or worse you cannot let this get to you as you will get ill I know its hard and was pretty close to a breakdown only last week but everyone told e me here WHY am i getting so stressed and wasting time and energy nagging her and trying to get her to do things I have decided to just spend time with her and let go she hasnt got long and im not going to nag her until she dies. I would get her some extra help though but if she refuses then step back and just spend time with her and try and enjoy it. I got myself into such a state last year that I got very ill I cant afford to worry about her constantly its not healthy. I think everyone on this site goes through this until you learn to back off for your own sake my mum is still competent and its frustrating shes not going anywhere?? Oh ya think! leave it until the time is right when she will have to take her future seriously. My sis thinks it will take a serious fall to wake them up I told her dont be so sure they are pretty damn stubborn!
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For a cheaper possibility for some on-call help, you might inquire around her neighborhood for one or more people who could use a little extra income. Add up how much it is costing you now for gasoline and missed work.
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Another resource for transportation to appointments etc is an "errand service". This is something that often a mature person with a good car will advertise -- like being her personal chauffer/assistant on call (for an hourly fee). This person will do a 'turn-key' job, coming into the house to help her dress and find her purse etc, help her out to the car, make stops when she needs to, help her into the appointment, etc etc. And put away groceries, help with household or yard chores if wanted. It's usually a one-woman operation, so it would be the same person every time, set up a friendship.
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I'v had a few days of the "GRUMBLES" myself. Mom is in assisted living and still she'd call 4 or 5 times in a row -weather I'm home or not---because she's changed her mind on this and that and the other---LOSING MY MIND HERE IN GOOD OLE MINNESOTA
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Yah, its frustrating. Life is overwhelming enough without extra work and demands that are not really necessary. Its all you can do to forgive and not let the resentment of all the inconveneinces and extra burdens we have to deal with take over our whole lives. I'm that way at work, and I have to try very hard to count blessings, keep my mood up and not let my sourpuss side show too much, but there are times I just can't help it.
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Thanks for all the feedback. I understand my mother wanting to remain in her own home and I respect her decision, but her doing nothing to help me to help her out is so frustrating. She has always had a wait and see attitude so this is not something new I have had to deal with. I pray she gets what she wants and goes peacefully in her sleep before shemay have to live somewhere else.
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No decision is in fact a decision! Let her cope with her stuff until it is clear to her that she cannot anymore. I think that when you are not going crazy trying to make everything nice for her that she may become more compliant.
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