Well, like the title says.....I'm so very sick and tired of people telling me how "fortunate", "blessed", "lucky" I am for having to take care of my 90 y/o mother who has dementia, they say "oh, enjoy this time with your mother, enjoy her while she is still here", "I wish I could have done that".....blah, blah, blah!!!!! I'm the one who is here, all by myself, every freaking day (with some help from my youngest daughter), but without the help of my irresponsible, heartless, selfish siblings.
What is so d.....m fortunate, or blessed or lucky about that? How can this people tell me that? When I ask if they have parents with this dementia illness, some tell me their parents are gone, other people tell me their parent is in a nursing home because "I can't take care of her, I have a job, I have other "things" to do, blah, blah, blah.
There is NOTHING, NOTHING remotely enjoyable about caring for elderly people, whether they are related to you or not. It's frustrating to say the very least. I have become a very selfish person, I truly do not care what anybody says, I'm taking care of myself first otherwise, I think I will buy a couple of plane tickets and take her back to Mexico and deliver her to one of my selfish sibling's door. Something stops me from doing this and, as my dear husband tells me, "it's duty, not love, what keeps you plugged in". It's true, I don't like this, I hate this, hate this situation and, since I can't very well take her back because they don't want her there, I'm stuck, hopelessly stuck until whenever she finally rests in peace. My oldest daughter tells me I'm being selfish when I leave her alone for a couple of hours to go work out but she never offers to come here and sit with her so, her opinion is totally irrelevant. I'm going to do what I need to do to survive until my mother dies. Never mind the possibly huge bills we will have to face if she needs to be hospitalized, I guess we will deal with that later.
So, stop embellishing elderly care, it sucks whether you are a daughter or son caring for your parents or a care giver, who has to work and has to be cleaning and changing soiled, smelly people because their relatives can't or wont do it themselves. I have to do it, if only because I have no other choice, but I don't have to like it, and I DON'T!!!!!
Next time someone tells me "I should be grateful for having the opportunity of caring for my elderly, sick mother", I'm going to either slap that person or invite that person to walk in my shoes for a week. Lets see how fortunate, blessed or lucky they feel afterwards.
YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH IT what i meant was this. coming to places like aging care.com, dealing with it did not mean, you deal with it alone, it meant with kindness and love, reach out to your communities, I re read what I wrote and I too am not perfect and realized that sounded harsh, and I am trying to learn to be more appropriate in how I write, because every word on this website is very precious to those looking for answers.
Again, my statement of saying YOU was meant to say, you need to continue to reach out as you have to others to find your answers, such as in Schools, Churches, community centers, senior centers, private individuals, etc. i am trying to say that each of us have needs, and it is up to us to try and get the help we need. I do know that there is a point, where at times, we feel too exhausted to even move, just remember I do care and I do know what that feels like and remember that only you know you you feel, and all I can do is help you with my kind words and love.
How could anyone blame me for saying this isn't some great privilege I'm experiencing?
Yes, everyone has a different experience with caregiving because we care for our parents (spouse, or grandparents), and their personalities, their level of need, and those relationships that we've had with them for years play into how it *feels* to care-give for them. If they are destructive forces in our lives, and always have been, isn't it better to keep them at arm's length in order to keep ourselves healthy and well?
Anyone who is caregiving is doing so out of concern for the person they care-give to. That's more than adequate of an emotion to feel, I think. We don't have to love it, we don't have to view it as an honor or privilege. I'm glad to live in a world where some do see it that way. I love you ladies & gents for that. Just... don't judge, please, if I don't see it that way.
AND -- I love all of you and I love these forums where we support each other, regardless of difference in situations. 😘
Now back to supporting tryingtomakeit... 🌺
I had the privilege of caregiving to my grandmother for about a year before she died. She was a joy. It wasn't easy, but it was full of love and being loving... and that's something I don't have in caregiving to my father.
I also didn't think caregiving was going to be "permanent" at that point, either, while I was caregiving to grandma... I didn't think I was going to end up giving up my life in order to caregive. I think that played a big part in how I felt about it. It was my "choice" at that time.
My grandmother had full blown dementia. She didn't know who I was, although she seemed to like it when I would explain to her that I was her granddaughter. She was special. I miss her even now although I'm glad for her sake that she has passed. She was my love bug. I adored her and she adored me. We loved on each other every day and had silly, childlike conversations - singing songs and talking about her childhood - that I know she enjoyed, even if she couldn't remember them later. I reached her through her dementia and she managed to say very meaningful things to me, giving me great gifts like when she managed to sputter out the words that she could never live without me. I knew it was her way of saying "THANK YOU." Give me someone like my grandmother, and I think I would tell you that it is a privilege to caregive to them in their last years. And the thing is - she required more hands-on work than my father does. She had to be bathed and diapered and fed every single meal. But she gave me so much sweetness back so much of the time. It's been a joy just to remember her and type up this post. I loved her so much in all her innocence and vulnerability. I still love her and miss her.
Ok, just thought about that and wanted to add a post to this thread. Seems to me there are infinite number of things that come into play with our individual caregiving situations and no two situations could ever be the same. (((((hugs to EVERYBODY))))) :-)