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CWillie made an excellent point. Ask the 95-year-old who can no longer walk, sing, garden, cook, or care for their own toileting needs how "enjoyable" life is for them. Ask the bedridden dementia/Alzehimer's victim who no longer recognizes family members, remembers how to do the simplest task, like buttoning a shirt, how much they love their life at this point.

Then ask the homebound, burned out caregiver how much they enjoy theirs.

I'm fed up to *here* with people who say we should be "grateful" that we still have our parents with us. Of course we're grateful for every day we still have with them - if they're healthy enough to enjoy being here. If they're not, we wish they could be rid of all the pain, suffering and humiliation that comes with aging. Who wants to be subjected to constantly aching joints, kids and grandkids coming by to see you only rarely (if at all), the inability to remember your family on sight, urine and bowel incontinence, and the loss of memories you held dear? I mean, if your parent is relatively young, like mine is (74), and is already experiencing problems that most people don't until their 80s, then what is there to look forward to? More of the same, only worse. And I should be grateful for the chance to watch her spiral downwards? Why don't they just ask if we enjoy watching our parent slowly die before our eyes?

And then there's the fact that people who say we should be grateful to still have our parents seem to think that everyone had Ward and June Cleaver for parents. Not true. Trust me.

Sorry...this one kind of struck a nerve with me, because I've had more than one person pull that on me. If there's one thing that this caregiving thing has taught me, it's that I will *never* do this to my children. I am putting a plan in place for my own care, and leaving someone reliable in charge of my well-being if I become incapacitated - and my wishes will be in writing, spelling out exactly what's to happen in terms of my care - and it won't be one of my kids caring for me at home.
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cwillie, you made an excellent point when you posted "The very fact of still being alive is not always so wonderful unless also granted the physical and mental health needed to enjoy your longevity".

JessieBelle, thanks for the smile :)
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trying, this reminded me of something that happened to me recently. My mother and I went out to eat at a cafeteria. While we were in line, a woman grabbed me and told me how lucky I was to still have my mom and how I should treasure her while she was her. The woman was so emotional, hugging me around the middle. She told me that she had lost her mother and missed her so much. I told her that she could have mine.

It didn't work. I left with my own mother, who is still with me. Rats! (Just playing)
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Boy, do you ever sound totally burnt out. I agree there is nothing enjoyable about the tough physical and mental caregiving of a frail elder. I think anyone who finds changing soiled linens, bathing an unwilling person or trying to make sense of the behavioural issues that go with dementia enjoyable has something seriously wrong with them. It also drives me crazy when people gush about how wonderful it is that someone has their 90th, 95th or whatever birthday. The very fact of still being alive is not always so wonderful unless also granted the physical and mental health needed to enjoy your longevity.
On the other hand there is something deeply rewarding in being able to ease the suffering of another, especially a loved one. And I believe I am learning so much about life, death, compassion and about myself. I have learned to navigate the health care system, to step out of my comfort zone to be an advocate for another, and that I'd better make d#^%ed sure I have a plan in place for my own old age.
Tryingtomakeit, keep on getting out as often as you can, you need more "me" time to keep your sanity. Keep searching for support in the community. Don't listen to the idiots who think you should do more, and try to forgive the others, they can't help it that they really don't have a clue.
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WHEW!! I bet you feel relieved to get that off your mind!
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