Sick and tired...

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Well, like the title says.....I'm so very sick and tired of people telling me how "fortunate", "blessed", "lucky" I am for having to take care of my 90 y/o mother who has dementia, they say "oh, enjoy this time with your mother, enjoy her while she is still here", "I wish I could have done that".....blah, blah, blah!!!!! I'm the one who is here, all by myself, every freaking day (with some help from my youngest daughter), but without the help of my irresponsible, heartless, selfish siblings.
What is so d.....m fortunate, or blessed or lucky about that? How can this people tell me that? When I ask if they have parents with this dementia illness, some tell me their parents are gone, other people tell me their parent is in a nursing home because "I can't take care of her, I have a job, I have other "things" to do, blah, blah, blah.
There is NOTHING, NOTHING remotely enjoyable about caring for elderly people, whether they are related to you or not. It's frustrating to say the very least. I have become a very selfish person, I truly do not care what anybody says, I'm taking care of myself first otherwise, I think I will buy a couple of plane tickets and take her back to Mexico and deliver her to one of my selfish sibling's door. Something stops me from doing this and, as my dear husband tells me, "it's duty, not love, what keeps you plugged in". It's true, I don't like this, I hate this, hate this situation and, since I can't very well take her back because they don't want her there, I'm stuck, hopelessly stuck until whenever she finally rests in peace. My oldest daughter tells me I'm being selfish when I leave her alone for a couple of hours to go work out but she never offers to come here and sit with her so, her opinion is totally irrelevant. I'm going to do what I need to do to survive until my mother dies. Never mind the possibly huge bills we will have to face if she needs to be hospitalized, I guess we will deal with that later.
So, stop embellishing elderly care, it sucks whether you are a daughter or son caring for your parents or a care giver, who has to work and has to be cleaning and changing soiled, smelly people because their relatives can't or wont do it themselves. I have to do it, if only because I have no other choice, but I don't have to like it, and I DON'T!!!!!
Next time someone tells me "I should be grateful for having the opportunity of caring for my elderly, sick mother", I'm going to either slap that person or invite that person to walk in my shoes for a week. Lets see how fortunate, blessed or lucky they feel afterwards.

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I just thought about something...

I had the privilege of caregiving to my grandmother for about a year before she died. She was a joy. It wasn't easy, but it was full of love and being loving... and that's something I don't have in caregiving to my father.

I also didn't think caregiving was going to be "permanent" at that point, either, while I was caregiving to grandma... I didn't think I was going to end up giving up my life in order to caregive. I think that played a big part in how I felt about it. It was my "choice" at that time.

My grandmother had full blown dementia. She didn't know who I was, although she seemed to like it when I would explain to her that I was her granddaughter. She was special. I miss her even now although I'm glad for her sake that she has passed. She was my love bug. I adored her and she adored me. We loved on each other every day and had silly, childlike conversations - singing songs and talking about her childhood - that I know she enjoyed, even if she couldn't remember them later. I reached her through her dementia and she managed to say very meaningful things to me, giving me great gifts like when she managed to sputter out the words that she could never live without me. I knew it was her way of saying "THANK YOU." Give me someone like my grandmother, and I think I would tell you that it is a privilege to caregive to them in their last years. And the thing is - she required more hands-on work than my father does. She had to be bathed and diapered and fed every single meal. But she gave me so much sweetness back so much of the time. It's been a joy just to remember her and type up this post. I loved her so much in all her innocence and vulnerability. I still love her and miss her.

Ok, just thought about that and wanted to add a post to this thread. Seems to me there are infinite number of things that come into play with our individual caregiving situations and no two situations could ever be the same. (((((hugs to EVERYBODY))))) :-)
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bad family dynamics. I like that way of saying it. I have BFD. Thank you. Sincerely. I have always wanted a good way to describe my crazy family norms and social not-niceties in a simple way.
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I do not view my caregiving as a privelege. On the best day, I have satisfaction that it feels like the right thing to be doing. On the worst day, I think I'm insane to sacrifice years of my life this way for my absentee father who had nothing to do with me growing up and who molested me. I also have had serious health problems in past 3 years of full-time caregiving brought on by (dad's) environment and stress. My financial situation is at its worst since I was a teenager. I take it one day at a time and try to make small steps forward but the endless complexity and problems associated with declining health (both my father's and mine) + needing to work with & comprehend VA/Medicare/Medicaid + bad family dynamics + doing this on my own with no local support system + ad infinitum...

How could anyone blame me for saying this isn't some great privilege I'm experiencing?

Yes, everyone has a different experience with caregiving because we care for our parents (spouse, or grandparents), and their personalities, their level of need, and those relationships that we've had with them for years play into how it *feels* to care-give for them. If they are destructive forces in our lives, and always have been, isn't it better to keep them at arm's length in order to keep ourselves healthy and well?

Anyone who is caregiving is doing so out of concern for the person they care-give to. That's more than adequate of an emotion to feel, I think. We don't have to love it, we don't have to view it as an honor or privilege. I'm glad to live in a world where some do see it that way. I love you ladies & gents for that. Just... don't judge, please, if I don't see it that way.

AND -- I love all of you and I love these forums where we support each other, regardless of difference in situations. 😘

Now back to supporting tryingtomakeit... 🌺
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Wow! Sounds as if JeanetteB is suffering from lack of oxygen. That often happens when one resides WAY UP THERE on a HIGH HORSE!
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TRYINGTOMAKE IT WHEN I STATED

YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH IT what i meant was this. coming to places like aging care.com, dealing with it did not mean, you deal with it alone, it meant with kindness and love, reach out to your communities, I re read what I wrote and I too am not perfect and realized that sounded harsh, and I am trying to learn to be more appropriate in how I write, because every word on this website is very precious to those looking for answers.

Again, my statement of saying YOU was meant to say, you need to continue to reach out as you have to others to find your answers, such as in Schools, Churches, community centers, senior centers, private individuals, etc. i am trying to say that each of us have needs, and it is up to us to try and get the help we need. I do know that there is a point, where at times, we feel too exhausted to even move, just remember I do care and I do know what that feels like and remember that only you know you you feel, and all I can do is help you with my kind words and love.
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Hello, I am a paid caregiver, and a daughter of a mother in the last stages of Alzheimers and a father in the last stages of PPA primary progressive Aphasia.

I have never felt my job to be a burden, or it is something that I regret. Either my job with my parents which is a situation that I say "caring for them" "job" it is work, but, every one is different. Allow everyone to express how they feel about caring for their elderly loved ones. Why is the world so critical and on the words we use. Why do or are we here on aging care.com attacking each other? I do not understand this.

Of course 1,000 people feel very different about caring for their aging parents.
There are 1,000 different ways to which they became the care givers.
Some were planned, some were not, some were forced, some were not, some are totally broke, some are not. some parents did not raise their children with the best of circumstances beyond their control, some were not. some parents did raise their children with circumstances in their control and did not do the best interest of the child.

What I am saying is this.


Boni Chak feels this: Love between family is a blessing. Caring for a loved one is a privilege.

Twizard feels this: It is not a privilege or a blessing. It is draining.

Jeanette B feels this: My day is fine, thank you for being concerned. As far as what I said... there are MANY people who do think caring for the elderly is a privilege, did I say YOU DID? No, I did not. Nice to know how you really feel about caring for your loved one.

Emjo23 feels this: I do not view caring for my mother as a privilege. It is a burden, which affects my health negatively, but I do it to the best of my ability, as I think you do.

Ismiami feels this: I agree, winning the lotto is "lucky", winning the opportunity to change adult diapers not so "lucky".
Good luck to you,

That is what five people so I have 995 left to go, and all five of those are very different opinions.

I see one thing that I believe or hope would not allow us as fellow aging care.com members to do. I see the word YOU a lot. I am here to talk about issues I have, or to answer other peoples questions as best as I see fit. if I wanted the world to feel and hear about how I felt then I would not be on the aging care.com website, as that is not what it is for. It is for helping those that need it with issues regarding their aging parents, their aging clients, their aging relatives, etc. or their own aging needs.

I have had many people state how they feel I should be or how I should write or how I should see things.

Where ever anyone is in this world YOU statements are very negative, and appear and I say APPEAR as it could be or could not be, but a feeling a being attacked, verbally by the person writing.

all I am saying is that for TRYINGTOMAKEIT, she wrote this to us, looking for answers, NOT looking for JUDGMENTS or for us to criticize her. She spoke from her heart, and really is look to us for help.

So when I scroll down, all I see is a combative conversation on you feel this you feel that you should feel this you should feel that. Really? is that what Agingcare has come to.

Please, INCLUDING ME, let us all be mindful that the person asking the question is obviously stressed to begin with, it is not my desire to add stress to anyone, but it is my desire to be honest with myself, and to know that I am wrong at times and need to reword things, I need to be very sensitive to what people are writing, because they typically are at their wits end. If I do not feel I can even relate, then I do NOT WRITE BECAUSE, why would I want to add my two cents if it is going to rock the boat and make them feel worse.

Tryingtomakeit:

I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU ARE HURTING, AND THAT YOU ARE FEELING THE WAY YOU DO.

Please know that I for one do hear what you are saying and I have answered in a previous post how I feel you can start dealing with this one by one, but you need to deal with it because YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

To the rest of you whom wrote items on this post, thank you for allowing me to write what I sensed was becoming a very combative, not helpful to TRYINGTOMAKEIT.


WE ALL ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE, IT MAY BE VERY SHORT OR VERY LONG, LET US ALL REFLECT ON THAT AND REMEMBER TO MAKE THE BEST OF EACH AND EVERY DAY, AND KNOW THAT AGINGCARE IS A VERY UP AND DOWN SITUATION. CARING FOR THOSE THAT ARE ILL, AGING, ETC, IS VERY VERY HARD. EACH OF US HANDLES IT VERY DIFFERENTLY. WE NEED TO KNOW OUR OWN PERSONAL LIMITS, AND WE NEED TO KNOW WHERE WE CAN PRAISE THE PERSON FOR ALL THEY HAVE DONE AND KNOW THAT THEY HAVE DONE THEIR VERY BEST REGARDLESS OF WHERE OUR OWN PERSONAL LIVES HAVE LED US.

BE KIND, REALIZE THAT AS I ALWAYS STATE "LIFE IS A JOURNEY NOT A RACE"

BLESSINGS
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Boni you are still alive,
I thought you had died and gone to Heaven and not bothered to let us know.
Glad to see you are still alive and kicking.Hugs
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This is indeed a very hard topic but, like some of you said, it's the reality we the caregivers, live in daily, whether at home caring for our parents or at a nursing home, caring for somebody else's parents. People who work in nursing homes have shifts and there are other care workers there to help out. Most of us don't have the money to put our parent in one so, we are on a 24/7 call, day in and day out. There is no solution to this, people are living longer but the quality of some people's life is absolutely terrible and sad.
I agree that this forums are a place for us to get our frustrations out and to read and post positive comments that could help ease the burden on one another. I'm also glad to have found this site.
Thanks to all of you who have left me positive messages.
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This topic is such a reality and I agree with so much that was said. There has to be a better way keeps going through my mind. The pain and suffering of aging and caregiving is just so unacceptable. Why, why, why can't we all figure out a better way? I know I'm dreaming, wishing, and I guess praying, although it doesn't do any good. All I know is that without this website I'd be LOST! Thank you everyone.
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Yeah, I don't look at caring for my mom as a privilege, I look on it as an obligation. An important obligation that I will honor because I take my responsibilities seriously and I want to do the right thing by my parents. Have I learned a lot and had some blessings along the way in taking care of my mom for 13 years and my dad for 9 years? Yes. But at the same time, it's been a huge drain on me and my life. I'd do it again, but I'd be lying to say it hasn't taken its toll on me.

When I get to the point that I can't be pretty independent myself, I'll be stockpiling some good painkillers and booze to take myself out, if we don't have assisted suicide by that time. When people tell me I'll look back on my caregiving days and miss them and miss taking care of my mom I think, "You don't know your *ss from a hole in the ground. People who say that were short-term caregivers and remember it fondly. I won't miss one second of one minute of the responsibility. Not one.
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