It stinks to feel this level of resentment for your own parent!!

Sounds to me that your Unhappiness with her being there is at the front on your mind all the time so why is she there? Stop allowing your complaints about her to make you unhappy. Either arrange for her to go somewhere else or learn to understand her neediness while she is there otherwise what you are "doing" for her does not make sense. You either want to love someone with all their faults or you don't.

Thanks for your response. You make some very valid points - I'm just so out of energy today. I'm also raising a 10 and 9 year old, and most days are fine, but other days like today I want to run far far far away. I'd like to think that's normal?

Ouch, that was a bit rough, especially since many people here know how you feel, energyvampire. As people grow and age, they often become more and more separate from the community. When the people they know die, there is often no one left for them. Ideally they would make new friends their own age. But life is less than ideal. A lot of times the caregiver becomes the main friend.

My mother is a hermit. She has two friends, but I have a hard time getting her to do anything with them. I wouldn't mind it so much, but it would take a lot of pressure off of me to keep her company. My mother and I don't have much in common. We don't enjoy the same TV. She can't carry on a good conversation. I try to interact with her, but I can't, so I feel guilty for not paying more attention to her.

I am fortunate because my mother doesn't seem to want anything much to do with me. That sounds strange, I know, but I don't know what I would do if she started following me around and insisting to go everywhere with me. That would be awful. If my mother did have the wish to go out, I would see how she liked our local senior center. There are many things to do there for people who still have their cognitive functions. The main thing is there are other people who are looking for the same thing -- companionship with people their own age. That is priceless.

energy vampire, I never had mom live with us but there were many weeks I spent the night at her house 5 out of 7. I would've gone crazy if she had been living in our home. But I can totally relate to how you feel in general. My mom was a lot like yours. She didn't have dementia but several major health issues. She expected us to be her entertainment committee. If she wanted home improvements or new decorating done, it was expected we had to do it although she could afford to hire it done. On many occasions I got the "you owe me because I raised you" guilt trip. I could go on but you can see I get what you're saying. Does your mom have hobbies? If not, she needs one or several low cost projects. You also should tell her she's driving you nuts and both of you come up with a remedy. I don't recommend being angry at her when you plan your meeting because I did that and the results weren't good.
In hindsight, maybe you should've stayed in your original home and maybe monetarily helped her get a place of her own but you can't undo what's been done. If she can't afford to live elsewhere then you're going to have to work very hard not to feel stuck. Set up boundaries. Also, you know your mom and if she's always been like this then you can pray for miracle but I doubt she's going to change at this late date. There may be times you actually love her but dislike her too. That's not abnormal. You have every right to feel as you do but please don't let it go on without getting some changes in place. It's not fair to any of you.
Oh yes, I'd give anything to have had a mother I loved and adored. I did not. She was an abuser and one of the most hateful, underhanded people I ever met. She didn't like me, ever, and let me know it my whole life. It was hard to do anything for her but I tried. My kids never liked being with her, as kids or as adults. She sucked the pleasure out of every family gathering. They said her legacy was to teach them how NOT to be and I have to agree.
Hang in there. Come here and vent. But the bottom line is only you can change what goes on in your home. I'm hoping you find relief soon.

Thanks all for your responses:) Jessie - I'm not sure what you were referring to when you said "ouch - that was a bit rough?". I was responding to the first commenter. I appreciated his/her insight very much and was just trying to say that yes, good point and normally I'm pretty good at keeping it all in perspective. Perhaps I'm just having a bad day and need to vent. Also saying that I'm human and that it's normal to have bad days - not trying at all to be sarcastic, although I guess that's how it was perceived? I'm pretty straightforward with the keyboard and it's often difficult to communicate using words without emotion...sorry if I offended anyone!

I do think it is normal to want to run sometimes. If that starts to happen more and more, you may want to explore other options. Your mum might be OK in an ALF with other people around, and activities going on. You have 2 children who need your best, and you have done many years of caregiving. It won't get easier, it will get harder as your mother ages. No one can make someone else happy. She sounds like she is quite controlling if she is rearranging your cabinets and décor. You do need your own life. Give other options some thought. Since she has not much money Medicaid would pay for her in a facility. In any case, do come back and vent - it helps. (((((((hugs)))))) Joan

energyvampire, you and I were typing at the same time above. I was addressing clh777's response to your original message. It was a little black and white for me. Many of us know how you feel and how hard it can be to deal with feeling that we need to keep our parent company. Sometimes we just need to talk about it. Talking can help a lot.

JessieBelle - oooohhh! LOL - I understand now. Thanks for clearing things up.

Umm ... tell us again WHY your mother is living with you? She can't afford to live alone? Have you looked into options such as subsidized housing? It sounds like you are not enjoying the arrangement and she's not enjoying her "jail." So, who is benefiting? Doesn't sound like this is ideal for the kids. Are you doing this for your husband's sake?

Sorry if this seems callous. I'm a results-oriented practical person. Now maybe you are just having a bad day. I can relate to that! Maybe tomorrow everything will look different. That is OK. You were just venting. But if what you wrote is a fairly accurate and consistent state of your situation, then I just don't get it. No one is happy with this situation and yet you are so adamant about continuing it you even about a bigger house. Huh?

Jeannegibbs - yes, i was having a bad day, but to be perfectly honest, even today if I had my wish, my mother would have "her own life". I've always hesitated to post here because I can't really explain why the situation is what it is. Maybe part cultural? She's from a small town in Italy where it isn't unusual for adult kids to be living at home. I believe it's because of economic need but that can be confused with ethnic traditions. Here's an example of what my mother will do: she will vent about how she's trapped and in jail, living with me and my family. This is how it starts. Then, I will very nicely suggest that I look into a subs apartment for her and she'll say "Well, if you really want me to leave, I'll go..." in other words, she turns the situation totally around and blame me. I think she's really afraid to live alone. I'm really not sure but I sure wish that I knew. I can never get a straight answer from her and I could never ask her to leave. Maybe it's a guilt thing, maybe it's a cultural thing. I would of course reconsider if she ever needed care that I felt I couldn't provide.

"I could never ask her to leave." Well, there you have it. I guess it doesn't matter whether it is cultural or guilt or a touch of mild insanity. For whatever reason, you are stuck with this situation.

But it is bad for you. It is bad for your kids. Doesn't your culture/guilt/insanity kick in regarding giving them a happy environment? I think clh777 (the first response) nailed it. Either change the living arrangements (which you "can't" do) or learn to live with your mother's needs more harmoniously. Learn to set and enforce boundaries. For example, either learn to shrug off her "jail" complaints and not let them bother you OR tell her that as long as she is living with you you will not listen to that type of complaint, and walk out of the room every time she starts up.

I suggest that seeing a family counselor would be helpful. Go alone initially and perhaps the counselor will also want other family members involved.

Mother is in great health. You are very likely to be dealing with this all the years your children are at home. Getting this on track for a healthy relationship is worth a lot effort now, in my opinion.

I sincerely wish you success in making some improvements, for everyone's sake.

Put her on a plane to Italy and let her find an old Italian widower in her home town. That will fix everything. You can visit. I'll come with you. Ciao, bella. xo

Jeanne, I like results, too! Sex and Pasta are the answer! I know I'm right this time:)

Christina, I bow to your superior practical wisdom in this case!

You all make me laugh! My mother plays the victim, the person who always had a tough life and still does to this day. Her motto is "always unlucky" in life. At 80, she still complains about her mom calling her names and treating her like the black sheep. Supposedly, she had to do more chores than her brothers and sisters and was given less love/attention. She most definitely has issues from her youth and I think they have manifested as very poor self esteem, overweight/emotional eating, and very big control issues. Jeanne - could you "kick out" an 80 year old mother, who was nothing more than annoying? I mean, if my marriage was at stake, maybe. I have to admit, I do find that cold-hearted, no offense. If you met her, you'd realize, she's like a big baby. Can't make her own phone calls, can't drive, can't read or write English. Heck, at the store, I have to input her pin number at the ATM!! It's crazy. She just never learned how to get by without a husband or an adult daughter helping her. Kind of gets me mad, but I know that I should just do what I can and pray often. They say God never gives you more than you can handle?? LOL

Her new thing is calling me about 6 times a day from downstairs. Drives me nuts. I might have to lay down the law on that one and stop answering the phone. Oh now I"m getting mean...seriously, I could think of a billion things to do if I were free - paint, read, watch movie after movie, cook, organize, clean, work out, scrapbook, etc. Her interests? One only - baking, which none of us wants to eat. I think the Italy plane ticket will be purchased shortly. funny last time she went, she called within 1 week saying she missed home and wanted to come back.

By the way, I feel incredibly mean writing all of this - I definitely need therapy.

You sound normal to me, energyvampire. I get the feeling you need to go in the backyard and scream, but then your mother would come out and wonder what the heck you were doing. And you wouldn't be able to tell her because you wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. I wonder if there is any way to dig up a friend or two for your mother.

JessieBelle, she has a few but sadly, they are have full lives - husbands still living, and lots who care for grandkids. I think she's looking for a friend who will take her places like the mall, shopping, etc, just as companionship. She also loves to cook for people and sit down for coffee. I've started bringing her to the local senior center, which is great because she can bring trays and trays of her baked goods there, but the bad part is that it's sort of like a adult day care. Lots and lots of wheelchairs, sickness. Hopefully, it makes it appreciate it her own health.

Energyvampire, you do not sound mean writing this at all. You are among people who understand. And it is fine to come here and vent. You don't always have to be looking for a solution.

If Mom is merely annoying, hey, live with it. My concern is that there is a high stress level in the house, and I think that is not good for your children. I don't think it is always bad for a grandparent to live in the home, and it is good for children to see their parents in a caring role and putting themselves out for someone else. If you could ramp up the benefits and reduce the annoyances, life would be good, right?

Could Gramma teach the kids some Italian? Could she teach them some cooking skills? Knitting? Bocce ball? Would she have less time to dwell on being "unlucky" if she were busier doing something that mattered?

Even though you are NOT incredibly mean, you might benefit from some counseling. Given your mother's life history of being the victim and unlucky and having a husband who apparently enabled her in these beliefs, setting some boundaries and living your own life can't be easy. You deserve all the support you can get.

Energy vampire,

Not to be rude or unkind but your complaints of your mother are rehashed over and over which makes you annoying........sorry to sound like a nasty person which many probably think I am by now but I am just saying that if you would actually listen to yourself and all your ranting on and on about how pitiful your mother is and allow a mirror to look at your life you would see that your complaining is rather annoying!

In other words your complaining of your mother is just as annoying as your mother (and the way you describe her)......you to are two peas in a pod.

Like I said before, either learn to love her and her idiosyncratic ways or send her packing somewhere else and move on with your life. If it is just temporary and both of you are moving on to something better and your situation is not ideal for either one of you than obviously both of you will have complaints. But until you do something to remedy the situation you will do nothing but waste time fixated on petty nonsense.


It's similar to having a job that is not ideal. For example, you are not happy at your current job (maybe you have a harassing co-worker who annoys the crap out of you and tattles on you to the supervisor), so obviously you will have complaints but instead of spending all your time moaning about what you do not like, either try to work the situation out with HR and the "annoying" co-worker or look for other prospects and wait till something else opens up. Plead God's grace to deliver you from an unbearable situation and then wait for Him to open some other door.

We all go through times in our lives that are not ideal.......and sometimes we have to wait those times out and yes, we will complain. But if we continue to stay in the same situation and never make the necessary changes, we will never be happy.


Like Jeanne said.........it's a results oriented counsel. Forgive me if I come across as cold or indifferent but some people here know that I could not take care of my dad 24 hours (when he lived with me) because of his chronic health conditions and yes his "neediness" at times. So instead of complaining and being miserable I arranged for him to go into a skilled nursing facility. By doing this, did it mean I cared less for him? Of course not. I think the arrangements I made to make sure his needs are met is demonstrating in action that I do love him and care about him.

So I do understand where you are coming from. Even now as I type this, my situation is less than ideal for what I want because I am living with my brother and his wife and their children (I moved my dad into a facility by my brother so that he could visit as well and I moved back this way too). While looking after my dad from the area where we used to live, I was living in a two bedroom apartment that I loved. I had it decorated just the way I wanted, I had a lovely kitchen which I throughly enjoyed cooking and baking. I had all my stuff and knew where everything was but now I don't have my own kitchen, most of my life is in a storage unit and I don't have my own bathroom or my own fridge and I still can't find my make-up bag (which at my age Lord knows I need). So yes, my life is much less than ideal but this is the way it is and this too shall pass but until then it is hard and yes I may complain at times because I lament what I had but the choices had to be made about my dad's care and eventually I believe and have hope that my life will work out too and I will get my own place as well.

Try to find the one thing about your mother that you DO love. Is there anything that comes to mind? Let us know and then maybe that will inspire you to look differently at your situation.

@ clh777,
if someone reaching out for comfort annoys you i think you may be the one with issues. ill bet your bro is ready to change your living arrangements for you too..
im not normally this ornery but i think youve been pretty rude to energyvampire..
you stuck your dad in a home and have convinced yourself that it was an act of selfless heroism. jibberish..

capn.........HARD ASS,

Your name pretty much says it all for me!

clh, I wondered why energyvampire's messages seemed to push your buttons. Actually, she feels very much like many of us do. It is usually very difficult to live with parents or have them live with us. You learned that firsthand with your father. I've learned it with my mother. Could it be that you are upset with energyvampire because she is hanging in there? I don't see that as a weakness, and I certainly have not found her messages to be any more complaining than anyone else's on the forum. We vent here -- it is one thing the board is about. If you do not like the complaining in this thread, you do not have to read it.

We all have to "play nice" on this board or there won't be a board. This is the only place some people can vent, share and let it all out so to speak. Not all posts are going to appeal to us and yes, some are frustrating to read or raise the hair on the back of your neck or make you race to get your BP medicine. Those are the ones you must be careful to respond to with your best manners. My gentle father told you can tell somebody off with kind words better than you can by being mean. It really does work.

@clh777: Wow - I'm speechless here. I'm not sure how to respond. if fact, I'm not going to because it will get ugly and I'm not about that. I do have questions for you though: do you really think your response is helpful or hurtful? Are you the kind of person who likes to kick a person when they are down? These are rhetorical of course...I already know the answer.

{{{Peace and comfort to all stressed out caregivers.}}}

Energyvampire, I just now read this thread....a really good one, and right up my alley, as my Mom sounds very much like yours in her NEEDINESS! And she lives with me and my hub. Unlike your Mom, though, she has dementia, so she's like a little kid in many ways. A sweet little kid, but a pesty little kid. I love her to pieces, but all of that love can seem to vanish in a minute, as she comes looking for me constantly, as well, and expects me to be the source of all her entertainment, just as you describe. I feel smothered. (Notice the word MOTHER hidden in SMOTHER. :) I can't get a break. I liked reading this thread because so many of us are in the same or similar boat. I especially liked Jeanne Gibbs and Christina's answers. Helpful, funny (Christina) and kindly stated. Ch777 is like my sister. All practical advice, and very little empathy. That's what I get from my sis all the time. She lives in a different state, and comes once a year (maybe) to visit Mom. The rest of time I hear practical advice without any understanding and empathy. We're all so different in our approaches to life's little "difficulties", but I would NEVER find your comments and complaints about your Mom to be annoying. And for some reason, I totally understand your perplexing situation about being just plain STUCK with things, in a strange way. I'm also just plain stuck. I can't possibly think of shuffling my Mom off to a Memory Care facility where they lock the doors, and many of the residents wander around babbling nonsense and attempting to escape, not knowing whether they're coming or going. Sad, but so true. Everyone is constantly urging me to just "put your Mom somewhere...she'll be better off, and so will you." Well, I know for sure she wouldn't be better off. She'd be freaked out, panicked, wouldn't be able to take her beloved cat with her, and would probably go downhill in a matter of months, and be one of the blabbering people wandering in the halls, drooling, and attempting to escape. So what good would that do me, because I would be full of all consuming guilt and sadness for a long time. I would hate myself. And right now I love myself. :)) Trust me, I'm not a martyr. I just know I'm doing the right thing in spite of how tough it may be. And I, like you, will make a different choice or decision if down the road things deteriorate to the point where I have no alternative but to place Mom in a facility....and that would be if she didn't know who I was, etc etc.
Energyvampire, I commend you for being the daughter you are. I think you are doing a job worth doing, that you will be proud and happy about in the end. The stress is tremendous, I know all too well. I haven't sought outside counseling, but I have my ways of dealing with it. And am looking for other solutions to allow an escape for a couple of days which is extremely helpful. But Jeanne's suggestion for you to get some counseling to help you through this may be good for you! Meanwhile, many of the other comments were so good...good for me too! Just let many of those "jail" comments go in one ear and out the other, for instance. I hear that stuff all of the time too. When I can't just jump to my Mom's desire to go do something fun, she remarks how she's just stuck in her apartment with nothing to do! Sometimes I go and grab a big load of towels out of the drawers linen closet, and throw them in the wash basket and ask her to please help me by folding them. She likes to help. Or I give her one of those whisk dry mops, and ask her to please mop the hardwood floors. She can unload the dishwasher, and I have her just put all the dishes on the counter, then I put them away. All of those little chores keep her busy for quite some time, and she really likes to help and feel useful. Ok, I've blabbed way too long. That's what I like about this site. Answering or commenting on a post can be a nice way of venting and addressing my own problems. YES! Feels so good to be helpful to someone else (maybe) and helpful to myself at the same time. ;-) Good luck, Energyvampire! I hope you'll post again.

Heard mentality requires very little intelligence.

Hey Cindy,
Come on out and play with us. All of us have issues and stress. I think you need a hug and some understanding, so I am willing to listen if you want to vent:) xo