I quit my job once to help out when mom got water on the brain; stayed for nine months until she stopped falling all the time and dad said he could handle the situation. Seven years later, and I'm back. Mom's dementia is far advanced and dad's health is failing fast. Last summer as I was preparing to quit my job and move across country to help again, I got fired for "being grouchy." Five months into the caregiving this time, I haven't found a job, and my savings are gone. But what can I do? Most of my siblings refuse to see how bad the situation is, or simply won't help. I don't want the folks to have to go into a facility.
Kitty, life is full of ups and downs and you are surely lucky to have landed back on your feet so many times. Like Denise said, at least you can live with yourself and know you did the right thing for you! Purple sushi, I'm not sure how the government set it up, but if a spouse is collecting SS and their wife reaches the age of 62, they can collect off of their husbands amount. I believe the amount is 40% of his income from SS. This way the wife can then clooect off of her own when she reaches 66 or the age they need to be to collect the full amount. My husband, unfortunately had to start collecting 2 years early and his amount won't go up when he hits 66, but when I turn 66 I will be able to stop collecting on his and get my full amount form SS. I will probably get around $100/month less than if I collected on mine, but will get over twice that amount from mine at 62. Lori, so sorry you have to do this alone! I have 6 sibs and all make much more $$ than I did and I'm the second oldest and have lived in the same 4 family house that my parents owned since I was born. When dad passed away at the early age of 54 31 years ago, I became the one that Mom depended on for everything because I was in the same house. The house has been in my name for 3 years now and it is really hard to keep up with repairs and bills. I have rent coming in, but it is family living here and I charge what they can afford. The house was built in 1883 and is 3 stories tall. Just heating this place is over $6000/year as we are in central Mass. and have cold winters. I had many of the same problems with finding help and funds to pay me when I left work. There were some programs in this state, but the $$ dried up 3 years ago, so we are on our own here. I think we all get scared and bitter and wish had had kept our jobs, but sometimes we have no other options Cautious, I admire you for being able to keep your job! It works for a lot of care givers. Ree, Florida is awesome for having that program! Wish the federal government would realize how much $$ we save them by caring for our parents and see that we are barely surviving and losing what little we have left. Cinder, Yes, being able to get out to a job, even for a few hours can help you keep your sanity Nextphase, you are not alone! We all hear those stupid things that people who never did care giving like to say to us. Some make me smile and some really infuriate me! I too do not get out much or see many of my friends now, I do have a couple very good friends that have also been care givers in the past and they will call and drag me out once and a while and sit and just listen as I let it all out on them. I have many, many friends all over the world that I have met through this site in the 3 years that I have been posting. It's so wonderful to find so many to talk to that understand all that I am going through. I even spent a week out near Seattle a year and a half ago with a friend I met here. We talk on the phone a lot. This is a great place to come and get advice or just be able to vent when you are having a bad day! You will not find this kind of kinship anywhere else! Hang out and keep writing, someone will always be there for you !
I quit my job and moved 3,000 to caregive my mom. I hate that I did it, but I saw no other option.
I worked in a very small office, taking time off to fly out here all the time was very much a hardship on my coworkers and my boss. Because the office was so small, there was no FMLA option for me.
I'm also an only child, single with no kids (there's a REASON why I never had kids and now I've got the oldest possible "kid" - my mom), my mom refused any outside help, and I was tired of turning on my cell phone after my shift and having 4 or 5 messages from Home Health, the neighbors, Adult Protective Services, and other folks who were well-meaning but not necessarily understanding (neighbors come to mind).
Some things changed in my life, and I realized that I really had nothing holding me there anymore (other than the job, which I loved for the most part) and I made the decision that I was needed more here with my mom than there. It seemed like the "thing to do."
I know that, ultimately, I'll be thankful I did this for my mom. It's the day-in, day-out grind that I resent. I resent that my mom doesn't understand what I gave up. I resent a lot of things about the whole situation. But it's the "situation" as much as anything else - I just hate that I'm losing my mom inch by inch.
And, frankly, if she passed away tomorrow, I'd move back in a heartbeat and beg for my job back. That might change - I'm 7 months here now, still haven't met a lot of people, but I'm making progress on that - so, who knows, maybe I'll end up staying.
And...I have to say that finances were NOT an issue in any way. So that never even entered the equation.
I did the opposite. I went back to work so that my independently living elderly mother would not assume I could be available to her anytime she wanted something. My mother is financally stable enough to hire outside help if needed. She is still capable of driving, but would prefer being a passenger. She could even arrange to have free transportation to where she would like to go. She wouldn't consider those opportunities as long as I was available, so back to work for me and glad I did. My life is so much more rewarding now and my mother's is more miserable, she still prefers me. So she stays at home and waits until am available. I will not enable her to be codependent upon me. I am 58 years old and want to be able to enjoy my life as she did at that age. It bothers me, but I cannot be her key to happiness.
Eguillot, my heart goes out to you. I like you lost my job in 2010 and although I've had freelance work here and there, employers do ask for what happened in those long lapses without a job. Frankly, all you have to do is be honest. Tell them you lost your job and decided to stay home to care for your Mother. They can't blame you for wanting to do this. Although, I agree is harder for us "older folks" to get a job, I have to say that it's not impossible. I wanted to change careers and do something different now that my Mother has passed. But the places where I want to work won't even look at my resume with my background because is so different than the job I want. I do have a possibility in the same field though so I'm just going for it. Wish me luck.
I wish you luck and you are right I wouldn't change the moments I shared with my Mother for any job, ever. Hugs
Good luck hispagirl! Maybe after you get back into the workforce for awhile you will have the opportunity to do what you really want to do. Keep me posted on what happens. Hugs.
I & my husband both quit our jobs & moved in with my Mother 10 yrs ago. We new in our hearts this was what we needed to do. We of course prayed about it but really there was no other option Mother didn't ask us to my bro didn't ask us to but God was telling us to. we had no friendly support so out the door we knew ok God you're all we need anyway & will give us new friends.Mother just moved to Heaven in Oct. & my husband & I are adjusting but never a day did we regret no we were thankful to be here with her to love her I am so glad I didn't work-was it hard of course it makes you trust God even more to help in every detail. I pray for you to have a knowing in your heart & peace then reveal your decision & don't be hurt by others who don't understand grace grace & more grace for you to do what you need to do.
What I would have done differently is get it in writing that my siblings understood and agreed to what was going on. They did initially but with that understanding I should have clarified if they had questions to check in with me. I would have documented my hours of caregiving knowing what I know now. If I had done this they would have known that I actually saved the family considerable money and that I put in long hours of service. While your parents may be above board in their communication my mother, for the sake of getting attention, had secret conversations about the arrangement with my siblings. They were giving directions from a distance without knowing the real story and even though I got up early and worked until at least 8 pm every day attending to their needs she was telling siblings who lived a distance away that I didn't do a @*$Y thing all day. I was working my tail off in truth. My brother sent his daughter from out of state to "check up" on things and give me instructions on things I was already taking care of. At that point I said "they are all yours" and left for awhile. I'm still trying to recover financially and emotionally and explain the gap in my employment. In my case it definitely wasn't worth it but then I was the sole provider in my life and it hurt me to take this time off. My brother and sister went on with their careers while barking orders from a long distance and keeping the POA. If you take over the care make sure you have the POA, make sure every one is clear what you will and will not do, and document your hours in case there is every a question
Nextphase, I am not sure what kind of work you are looking for, but I am certainly willing to give you some HR advice. First, I am not sure what your resume looks like but I can give you tips on the resume. If you have an employment gap, then on your resume you need to put on there that you stayed home to take care of an ill or aging parent.
I am a firm believer in honesty is the best policy on a resume. There are many formats for a resume and many places to search. I am happy to help, but that is some that we would have to discuss out of this blog.
Are you looking to get work out of the house or work from home? There are many questions I have in order to give you advice.
But I do believe caring for an aging parent is worth it. A friend of mine cared for her mom for 2 years and she said even though her mom was very ill it was well worth it. She said she misses her mom everyday and wishes she could make more memories.
I have 3 siblings and I receive no help from them either. Once in a while 2 of them will give me money, but the thought process is because I make the most out of the 4 of us that I can pay for everything. Even when it comes to family get togethers, they do not help with my mom or take her out to eat or anything. In fact when we go out to eat, I am suppose to pay. So it doesn't matter whether you make the most or the least, siblings are more focused on their own lives than that of their parent until they are gone.
My mom tells me she is old and doesn't think she will live that much longer. I tell my siblings, I am dramatic or making it up. They still can't pick up the phone and call their mother except when the mood hits them, which is once a month or every 6 weeks if she gets lucky.
So when it comes to siblings they are all similar. But if you want help with your resume and job search let me know and I will give you an email to take the discussion to.
dkjellander - not all siblings are similar. I have a brother that lives out of state and he always comes to "cover" for me when I need to go out of town for something, even though my husband lives here too (but works full time, so can't care for Mom). The past 3 summers, Mom and I went up to Oregon, where my brother lives, and I dropped Mom off at my brother's house, and I went to stay with my daughter. We laugh, and I tell him I'm going "off duty". It's a nice break for me. He was down here for Thanksgiving, and will down again next month, when my husband and I will go over to LA for a couple of days. My brother tells me again and again how much he appreciates me doing this, and how guilty he feels for not being closer to do more. So not all siblings are bad. I'm grateful I have a good one.
You are fortunate! I know many caregivers and their siblings have all pulled the same stunts. I hear far more horror stories about siblings not doing their part than thos that do. You should be grateful, because most are not so lucky!
I know I am fortunate! My brother and I were raised by two loving parents. They were high school sweethearts who remained devoted to each other until Dad died in 2005. Mom is not difficult to live with, and Dad left her financially comfortable. Both my brother and I hope that she lives long enough to spend all her money, although that is not likely. My brother is retired himself, so it doesn't cut into his work to come visit. He has even talked about moving down to take care of Mom, which I discouraged him from doing, as all his kids and grandkids are up there, and I know how I felt when I moved away from mine. The grandchildren are only young once.
This is an interesting thing to think about. We can understand why a young mother might want to quit her job to raise young children. She can reenter the workplace when the children get older, because she will still be young enough to rebuild.
However, people who become caregivers for the elderly usually fall in the 50-70 year old group. If they are not financially well set already, quitting their jobs will jeopardize their own economic future. If they are in the 55-65 year old group, which many of us are, the implications of quitting jobs is more profound. If I understand right, Social Security is based on what we were making the 10 years before we retire. If we make nothing, we get very little.Then what is to become of us as we become elderly? Age discrimination is real and the chance of getting a good job at an advanced age is not good.
I do not think people should quit their jobs unless their futures are well set. Caregiving can put a strain on relationships, and I am not surprised when I read accounts of spouses leaving. If someone is working, IMO, they should continue to work. There are other options. One does not want to take he food away from the caregiver so the care receiver can have it when there are other ways to handle the circumstance. (Sometimes we have to pull away from emotional considerations and look at things logically.)
With siblings who are twins and a brother who has an alcohol problem our days are disrupted every week. One week they show up the next week they don't the next week one is here but doesn't feed her, the next week they don't change her (for time periods ranging from 8-12 - 14 hours) and get mad when i call them out on it. As of last night we have two out of six bailing leaving 3 of us. I fight with myself over leaving my job but realistically, it's just me and i've got to be able to support myself. I have at least a year's worth of leave saved with vacation, sick leave and personal leave, and still can use FMLA, but it is frightening at times. I am the primary caregiver living with Mom. I work full time, home with Mom all day on Friday's, plus every night and every weekend and maybe one night a month i can escape for a happy hour or find myself calling in for a few hours just for some "me" time. Relationships come and go but really people, we chose as a family not to put Mom (alzheimers and other medical issues) in a nursing home, we made a joint decision to take care of her ourselves. Everybody shows us, three siblings are consistent in time, bathing, feeding, changing, and caring for Mom, the other shows up when they feel like getting here after i leave for work, and then are texting me at work saying "i have to go, can you come home". I hate the thought of quitting, it's my sanity, any suggestions? As of next week, I have to request an additional work at home day due to bailing siblings because I get mad at them for not doing a complete job. You can't just leave a parent, especially a diabetic not fed, and sitting in a dirty diaper all day long. You also have to be coherent every minute of the day, not getting up at noon or coming in off a night of partying. I am furious that this is even expected of me, and furious at the excuses and lack of interest in caring for our Mom. I forget, i live here, single at 51 and it's my job and I truly love my Mom, i do the very best i can and yes like everyone else i get tired and frustrated and lonely sometimes and i blow my stack . Any guidance on the job issue would be appreciated.
Make a list of the work you do. Do some research and call some companies that give in-home care services, you will find out that the cost for someone to do what you do is unbelievable. I do not know what your parent income is like, or if it is trust money, but you as the caregiver should be getting a wage. Yes, you should talk to family, give them the list of work you do, the cost it have someone else do the work, even if you do not have the POA, you are doing the work, you should be paid. Talk to a tax accountant and they can tell you what steps to getting paid you can do. You may have to have your family members also talk to the accountant, yes, we help parents because it is the right thing to do, yes, they raised us and we feel that we owe them, but remember, when we grew up our parents could work and have money to take care of us. You have a right to work and take care of your parent, you need help, not family checking up on you or telling you how to do things, if they are not listening to you, get a eldercare attorney and find out your rights, you deserve to be paid.
Strange thing is that the family members who don't want to caregive think the one that does is being awful if they want money. Often the care receiver does, too. This is a very difficult subject to approach. It would be nice if the care receiver initiated the conversation, but that usually doesn't happen. So a caregiver who wants to be paid is seen as a money grubbing, inheritance stealing person. Few relatives realize yet that there is rarely such a thing as inheritance anymore.
I agree, Jessiebelle...and the "non-caregivers" have NO CLUE how much caregiving costs a person, both financially and emotionally. They should be happy to kick in, if only to make life a little easier for both the caregiver and the receiver. It's really sad, honestly. My brother & sister have no idea how good they have it right now. @lostfamily - you hit the nail on the head with your analogy about parents having money to raise us...why should we not get paid? Didn't think of it that way!
You are correct jessiebette, that is what happened with my dad, he was getting everything done for him, and never saw how much work was being done by his kids. He did not want to change anything, why would he. So we stepped back and showed him how to do things for himself, for about a week, he told us he could not do everything by himself, that is when we moved him into a Assistant Living Facility, he is so happy now. But, my brother was living with him, fixing meals, being his campanion, my sister was taking him to the doctor and ordering his medical supplies and flushing his cather, and I am still paying bills, doing bookkeeping, managing rentals, etc. We all understand how much work has to be done. But, in the sake of this issue, the caregiver is doing all the work and the parent does not see this, the caregiver needs to inform the family and the parent or all the work that they are doing, if the family thinks that they are money grabbing, that person needs to move parent into there life, just for a month, they will then understand,
My parents were married for 50 years before my parents died and we too were raised in a loving family. But for some reason as we got older everyone went their separate ways.
I lived away from my parents for over 20 years before deciding to come back and help my mom clean her home. My mom is a pack rat in a serious manner, so my husband and I were going to help out for 6 months or that was our plan.
We left mom alone for 2 days, actually less than 48 hours. My older sister was checking in on mom and taking her to breakfast to see one of her friends. When she came to pick up my mom, my mom was in pain in her leg. To this day we wonder if mom fell, but she swears she didn't. Before all was said and done, mom had cellulits and burcistis (not sure on spelling) and what they thought was a hairline fractor. They couldn't prove the fractor, but while trying to get her back on her feet she did fall and then it was broken. So that is when my caregiving began.
After 9 months of a broken leg, the doctor said it wasn't going to heal, so my caregiving became permanent. My sisters have a wide variety of excuses from their own aches and pains to things I wouldn't go into online. I get minimal amounts of assistance and they are not big, one sister will not lift a finger.
I wanted to have mom checked out for dementia recently, one didn't care one way or another, the other 2 kept saying it was just old age and her pacemaker. Well a CT scan revealed brain shrinkage and the loss of brain cells, then there was not being able to get my name right. So mom was diagnosed with full blown Alzheimer's somewhere between mild to moderate, he is not sure because she does things from all of the stages. My two sisters that didn't want to listen to me feel blindsided, but what is worse is their lack of phone calls.
So my husband and I have made a comment to try and make her last days and memories to the best of our abilities and financial means without them. It doesn't mean we keep them out of her life or anything, but we do not let their actions frustrate us a whole lot. Do I wish they were more involved, yes I do, but my husband and I are still young by alot of standards so we are doing what we need to without them.
Actually, we do our best to overcome every obstacle that comes our way. I am fortunate that I have had a few close friends that also took care of aging parents so they are my support system. If I get to feeling down, they are there for me.
What happened with your Mom's leg? Just curious. Did they leave it broken or remove it? You seem to have a really good outlook. It's too bad your siblings are choosing to not participate in your mother's life. Later on they may very well regret the choice they made. You will not have those regrets.
It is broken, she has a brace on it. The doctor said she probably had some form of osteprosis that was not taken care of. The doctor said is uncommon today for people to live with broken bones because most of the time it is their hip, but he said there is no reason she can't live a long time with it just the way it is.
Her leg is broken just a couple of inches past the knee, it did seal some, but not completely. She moved wrong during the healing process and it broke some of it loose. The doctor offered her surgery, but he wasn't sure that the pins would heal in the bone. My mom said no because she did not want to be put under, she knew that I would care for her no matter how many arguments we have.
She broke it in Sept. 2011, but because of the 2 infections in the leg they couldn't even do a cast. You see cellulitis can kill you if you cover it, so she wore a leg brace. The leg brace broke and medicare only pays for one every 5 years, so the doctor told me I could use other things or she could go without. She likes the braces we are using now because it gives her a bit of support.
Thanks, I use to think I was more like my dad but I am finding that I have my mother's toughness to fight and survive to go the distance. We even travel with her in a 5th wheel and plan on doing so until she is unable to help us or in a bad way. She actually does much better when we travel. My mom and dad use to love to go on vacation or go camping on weekends. So we try to take her a cruise every year to different ports and take her around the country. She has been able to see all of her siblings even though they do not come see her. My mom was from 12 siblings, with 9 of them still living.
This year we promised to take her out of the cold to Texas for a few months, then we go back to her home, then prepare for this year's cruise to 4 new countries.
Sadly, though it is not just my siblings, but her siblings that will have regrets. I have had my share of battles over the past year or so, but like I said I will fight and I will fight for my mom. I had 2 of her sisters tell a bunch of other family members or anyone that will listen that I should put my mom in a nursing home. In fact one of those aunts has a son that tried to tell me the same thing and I politely put him in his place and he knew not to bring that subject up again. :-) I did have someone tell me that the reason my mom's leg didn't heal was because I traveled with her all the time, but I put them in their place and I just won't deal with them either.
She does real well for a lady with a broken leg, the biggest challenge is the mental state. I have told my siblings and a couple of my mom's, but she doesn't want me to share it with the rest of her siblings. She says whether or not they know will not change their attitudes in coming to see her. She has good moments and that was one of them.
Do you care for your mom still? Sometimes I forget what I read because I work online and read a lot of information. I am fortunate that my education has paid off and afforded me to work from home. Because I have to work and am not at the retiring age for at least another 10+ years.
I just know that I will have a lot of wonderful and fun memories that I am writing down. I also would like to encourage people to focus on the positive memories that you make when caregiving. My mom and I have the funniest stories from the bathroom, I know it sounds weird, but we have had our challenges in some places but also good laughs.
I am sorry this is a bit long, but it is really a different kind of story from most. The broken leg is where we begun and it is quite uncommon.
dk- yes, I am still caring for my Mom. She suffers from severe osteoporosis, and broke her hip this past September. She has had several back surgeries and is in severe pain most of the time. Her mind is sharp most of the time, but her body is weakening and she is sleeping more and more and she is losing weight. A year ago she weighed 133, now she weighs 116. My brother is a great guy. He is retired because of disability, but he comes down from Oregon whenever he's needed. Now, I have to say that it's not difficult enticing anyone to come here and take over for awhile - we live in a tourist destination, and when people come here they have a guest "casita" they can stay in with their own tv, refrigerator, and bathroom. Our winter temperatures average about 68-75 degrees. So far this winter, my brother has come down for 2 weeks, my daughter for 2 weeks, my niece for 5 days, my brother is coming again on the 6th for another 2 weeks, then my 90 yr. old MIL will be coming for 2 weeks. This is just since Thanksgiving! In the summer it's a different story - even we try to get out of here!!!
It sounds like you have a lot of visitors and that is great for your mom! I am sorry she is sleeping and losing weight, it is tough to watch a parent go downhill. After how my dad passed, I was not expecting this with my mom but I believe God knows what he is doing.
It sounds like you live in the South, I lived in Naples, Florida and summer was not the time to be there.
Sadly, my mom lives in a small town and people just don't come for a visit. Her younger siblings do not travel and of course have their own health issues as well. At first we took mom around to visit everyone, but then I was given some crap about caring for her and not putting her in a home. So we said screw it and we are going to have a good time.
I think my mom has a few siblings that are jealous because their kids won't travel and take them places like we do with my mom. My parents always took us on vacations to all sorts of places. So we figure this is the least we can do and we do not worry about what others think any more, I just put on my direct hat and tell them to mind their own business.
I was out of work for a year after being laid off and ended up being my mom's full time caregiver by default. I learned during that time just how stressful being a full time caregiver can be (far more stressful than any job I have EVER had in 30+ years of working), and as a result, I jumped at the opportunity to go back to work full time. I was fortunate enough to have been able to manage financially and could probably have done so without ever going back to full time work BUT, I felt it was important for me to maintain an identity outside of just being a caregiver. I now save very little as most of my "extra" funds go to pay for caregiving help, but I have balance, a life outside the home, and an ongoing career I can turn to when my caregiving days are done. Don't underestimate the emotional toll being a full time caregiver can be, even if the financial burden is not a great concern.
dkjellander - We live in the Palm Springs, CA area - the desert east of Los Angeles. It's beautiful here with lots of palm trees and hundreds of golf courses, and we're surrounded by snow capped mountains. You can take a 15 minute tram ride up to the top of Mt. San Jacinto to get into snow, then back down to the valley floor to sunbathe by the pool.
Mom was feeling a little better today so we decided to venture out. We'd been wanting to see Les Miserables, so we went to the movies. It's a great movie, but long. I didn't think it would be hard on Mom, since she would be sitting the whole time. Apparently I was wrong. She barely made it out of the theater, and by the time we got home, wouldn't even eat anything, just headed straight for bed. She has a friend from out of town that is coming to see her tomorrow, and Mom thinks she's going to be well enough for the two of them to go out to lunch. I just don't see how that's going to be possible. Mom just turned 82. She was pretty healthy up until about 4 years ago. Then she really started going downhill. Heck, in 2005, Mom and I went to the Big Island together and hiked to the active flow of the volcano - about 4 miles round trip over uneven terrain. I thought that was pretty good for "two old broads" LOL
I just found my brother may need another back surgery, so it's kind of up in the air if he'll be coming down or not. He's already had 17 back surgeries. He gets his MRI tomorrow. Should know more next week. Poor guy has really been through the wringer.
I really wanted to take my Mom to Catalina. She was born and raised in LA, and never went there! Now she'd never make it. That, I think, will be my biggest regret. That I didn't take Mom to Catalina while she could still go. So tell your siblings where to get off and enjoy those trips!
Palm Springs is beautiful!! I have been there a few times back in the 90's, when my terroritory was from Sacremento to San Diego. I had the pleasure of driving from Los Angeles to Palm Springs in the summer heat. I was probably the only fool in a convertible with the top down and the air conditioner on.
Sorry the movie was a bit long for your mom. My mom has issues too sometimes with things. If my mom is not engaged, she will go to sleep in her wheelchair. We took her to a beach on the cruise we went on last year to watch the great grandchildren in the water. It was not interesting enough so she fell asleep and woke up with a suntan X on her foot, the only place we forgot sunscreen.
We try to vary mom's activities and keep her interested. Today we just did some shopping, but it got her out in the Sun. She is thrilled about the sun today because where my siblings live it was only about 7 degrees above 0 without the wind chill. So she was very excited about the sun today.
I hope your brother is ok, that is tough for the back surgeries. My husband's mom had a lot of back surgeries.
You should take your mom to Catalina, it might just be the thing to give her a good day. Last May, after our cruise we stopped to visit a friend of mine in Tampa. My friend's mother had a brain tumor that had the same effects as Alzheimer's. So we decided to take our elderly mom's to the zoo. My friend called me for days to say thank you for coming by and getting them out. It was the best day her mom had had in a very long time. In fact, she passed 4 to 6 weeks after that, but it was a good day that her mom even remembered weeks later.
Sometimes the trips we think will be the hardest will be well worth the time. Believe my siblings know that I am a force to be reckoned with, that is probably why we don't get a long so well. You know the truth hurts sometimes. :-)
dk- unfortunately, the only way to get to Catalina is by a very tough ferry ride that takes about 2 1/2 hrs. That would be after the 2 hr drive to Long Beach. Then, once you get to Catalina, there aren't any cars. They only have golf carts, bicycles or walking to get around, except for the buses that take you around the island. Getting from the pier to a hotel would be almost impossible for Mom, as would getting to any restaurant. A few years ago she could have still done it, but not now. Mow she can't stand for 5 minutes without severe pain, and anything that bounces her is excruciating. I take the speed bumps here in our complex at about 2 mph. I really wish they'd take them out. Mom's had a 4 level fusion, and has had a spinal cord stimulator implanted to help with the pain. She gets shots in the epidural sac every couple months, and has had the nerve endings burned to stop the transmission of pain signals. Still horrible pain. She also suffers with GERD to the point that her esophagus is almost closed. Many years ago, in a procedure to try to open it, they perforated it and she almost died. Now they're very careful about doing that procedure on her again, so therefore she has to get so can't choke any food down before they do anything about it, and then you have to yell and scream at them first. She's about at that point now. She's been able to keep anything down today except one Ensure. She won't even try a jello.
I relocated to wisconsin 10 months ago from california to take care of my parents. I was very fortunate to spend one whole month with my mom before she passed away. My dad has alzheimers. I went to an elderly law attorney and she drew up a caregivers contract between me and my dad, and I get paid for 20 hrs a week. My brothers and sisters do not pick up my dad and spend any quality time with him because they are to upset with me that i am being paid as a caregiver. I regret this situation has happened to my family, but I am enjoying my dad all over again.
This is a huge issue. Usually it is women who quit, and we are the ones who are most vulnerable to the financial impact of this decision. I am sorry I didn't take leave, rather than finding a job transfer to a job I could not stand, with coworkers who drove me nuts. Well, not nuts, but into a depression!
Purple sushi, I'm not sure how the government set it up, but if a spouse is collecting SS and their wife reaches the age of 62, they can collect off of their husbands amount. I believe the amount is 40% of his income from SS. This way the wife can then clooect off of her own when she reaches 66 or the age they need to be to collect the full amount. My husband, unfortunately had to start collecting 2 years early and his amount won't go up when he hits 66, but when I turn 66 I will be able to stop collecting on his and get my full amount form SS. I will probably get around $100/month less than if I collected on mine, but will get over twice that amount from mine at 62.
Lori, so sorry you have to do this alone! I have 6 sibs and all make much more $$ than I did and I'm the second oldest and have lived in the same 4 family house that my parents owned since I was born. When dad passed away at the early age of 54 31 years ago, I became the one that Mom depended on for everything because I was in the same house. The house has been in my name for 3 years now and it is really hard to keep up with repairs and bills. I have rent coming in, but it is family living here and I charge what they can afford. The house was built in 1883 and is 3 stories tall. Just heating this place is over $6000/year as we are in central Mass. and have cold winters.
I had many of the same problems with finding help and funds to pay me when I left work. There were some programs in this state, but the $$ dried up 3 years ago, so we are on our own here. I think we all get scared and bitter and wish had had kept our jobs, but sometimes we have no other options
Cautious, I admire you for being able to keep your job! It works for a lot of care givers.
Ree, Florida is awesome for having that program! Wish the federal government would realize how much $$ we save them by caring for our parents and see that we are barely surviving and losing what little we have left.
Cinder, Yes, being able to get out to a job, even for a few hours can help you keep your sanity
Nextphase, you are not alone! We all hear those stupid things that people who never did care giving like to say to us. Some make me smile and some really infuriate me! I too do not get out much or see many of my friends now, I do have a couple very good friends that have also been care givers in the past and they will call and drag me out once and a while and sit and just listen as I let it all out on them. I have many, many friends all over the world that I have met through this site in the 3 years that I have been posting. It's so wonderful to find so many to talk to that understand all that I am going through. I even spent a week out near Seattle a year and a half ago with a friend I met here. We talk on the phone a lot. This is a great place to come and get advice or just be able to vent when you are having a bad day! You will not find this kind of kinship anywhere else! Hang out and keep writing, someone will always be there for you !
I worked in a very small office, taking time off to fly out here all the time was very much a hardship on my coworkers and my boss. Because the office was so small, there was no FMLA option for me.
I'm also an only child, single with no kids (there's a REASON why I never had kids and now I've got the oldest possible "kid" - my mom), my mom refused any outside help, and I was tired of turning on my cell phone after my shift and having 4 or 5 messages from Home Health, the neighbors, Adult Protective Services, and other folks who were well-meaning but not necessarily understanding (neighbors come to mind).
Some things changed in my life, and I realized that I really had nothing holding me there anymore (other than the job, which I loved for the most part) and I made the decision that I was needed more here with my mom than there. It seemed like the "thing to do."
I know that, ultimately, I'll be thankful I did this for my mom. It's the day-in, day-out grind that I resent. I resent that my mom doesn't understand what I gave up. I resent a lot of things about the whole situation. But it's the "situation" as much as anything else - I just hate that I'm losing my mom inch by inch.
And, frankly, if she passed away tomorrow, I'd move back in a heartbeat and beg for my job back. That might change - I'm 7 months here now, still haven't met a lot of people, but I'm making progress on that - so, who knows, maybe I'll end up staying.
And...I have to say that finances were NOT an issue in any way. So that never even entered the equation.
Good luck...it's so hard.
I wish you luck and you are right I wouldn't change the moments I shared with my Mother for any job, ever. Hugs
I am a firm believer in honesty is the best policy on a resume. There are many formats for a resume and many places to search. I am happy to help, but that is some that we would have to discuss out of this blog.
Are you looking to get work out of the house or work from home? There are many questions I have in order to give you advice.
But I do believe caring for an aging parent is worth it. A friend of mine cared for her mom for 2 years and she said even though her mom was very ill it was well worth it. She said she misses her mom everyday and wishes she could make more memories.
I have 3 siblings and I receive no help from them either. Once in a while 2 of them will give me money, but the thought process is because I make the most out of the 4 of us that I can pay for everything. Even when it comes to family get togethers, they do not help with my mom or take her out to eat or anything. In fact when we go out to eat, I am suppose to pay. So it doesn't matter whether you make the most or the least, siblings are more focused on their own lives than that of their parent until they are gone.
My mom tells me she is old and doesn't think she will live that much longer. I tell my siblings, I am dramatic or making it up. They still can't pick up the phone and call their mother except when the mood hits them, which is once a month or every 6 weeks if she gets lucky.
So when it comes to siblings they are all similar. But if you want help with your resume and job search let me know and I will give you an email to take the discussion to.
You are fortunate! I know many caregivers and their siblings have all pulled the same stunts. I hear far more horror stories about siblings not doing their part than thos that do. You should be grateful, because most are not so lucky!
I know I am fortunate! My brother and I were raised by two loving parents. They were high school sweethearts who remained devoted to each other until Dad died in 2005. Mom is not difficult to live with, and Dad left her financially comfortable. Both my brother and I hope that she lives long enough to spend all her money, although that is not likely. My brother is retired himself, so it doesn't cut into his work to come visit. He has even talked about moving down to take care of Mom, which I discouraged him from doing, as all his kids and grandkids are up there, and I know how I felt when I moved away from mine. The grandchildren are only young once.
However, people who become caregivers for the elderly usually fall in the 50-70 year old group. If they are not financially well set already, quitting their jobs will jeopardize their own economic future. If they are in the 55-65 year old group, which many of us are, the implications of quitting jobs is more profound. If I understand right, Social Security is based on what we were making the 10 years before we retire. If we make nothing, we get very little.Then what is to become of us as we become elderly? Age discrimination is real and the chance of getting a good job at an advanced age is not good.
I do not think people should quit their jobs unless their futures are well set. Caregiving can put a strain on relationships, and I am not surprised when I read accounts of spouses leaving. If someone is working, IMO, they should continue to work. There are other options. One does not want to take he food away from the caregiver so the care receiver can have it when there are other ways to handle the circumstance. (Sometimes we have to pull away from emotional considerations and look at things logically.)
My parents were married for 50 years before my parents died and we too were raised in a loving family. But for some reason as we got older everyone went their separate ways.
I lived away from my parents for over 20 years before deciding to come back and help my mom clean her home. My mom is a pack rat in a serious manner, so my husband and I were going to help out for 6 months or that was our plan.
We left mom alone for 2 days, actually less than 48 hours. My older sister was checking in on mom and taking her to breakfast to see one of her friends. When she came to pick up my mom, my mom was in pain in her leg. To this day we wonder if mom fell, but she swears she didn't. Before all was said and done, mom had cellulits and burcistis (not sure on spelling) and what they thought was a hairline fractor. They couldn't prove the fractor, but while trying to get her back on her feet she did fall and then it was broken. So that is when my caregiving began.
After 9 months of a broken leg, the doctor said it wasn't going to heal, so my caregiving became permanent. My sisters have a wide variety of excuses from their own aches and pains to things I wouldn't go into online. I get minimal amounts of assistance and they are not big, one sister will not lift a finger.
I wanted to have mom checked out for dementia recently, one didn't care one way or another, the other 2 kept saying it was just old age and her pacemaker. Well a CT scan revealed brain shrinkage and the loss of brain cells, then there was not being able to get my name right. So mom was diagnosed with full blown Alzheimer's somewhere between mild to moderate, he is not sure because she does things from all of the stages. My two sisters that didn't want to listen to me feel blindsided, but what is worse is their lack of phone calls.
So my husband and I have made a comment to try and make her last days and memories to the best of our abilities and financial means without them. It doesn't mean we keep them out of her life or anything, but we do not let their actions frustrate us a whole lot. Do I wish they were more involved, yes I do, but my husband and I are still young by alot of standards so we are doing what we need to without them.
Actually, we do our best to overcome every obstacle that comes our way. I am fortunate that I have had a few close friends that also took care of aging parents so they are my support system. If I get to feeling down, they are there for me.
It has been an interesting journey.
You seem to have a really good outlook. It's too bad your siblings are choosing to not participate in your mother's life. Later on they may very well regret the choice they made. You will not have those regrets.
It is broken, she has a brace on it. The doctor said she probably had some form of osteprosis that was not taken care of. The doctor said is uncommon today for people to live with broken bones because most of the time it is their hip, but he said there is no reason she can't live a long time with it just the way it is.
Her leg is broken just a couple of inches past the knee, it did seal some, but not completely. She moved wrong during the healing process and it broke some of it loose. The doctor offered her surgery, but he wasn't sure that the pins would heal in the bone. My mom said no because she did not want to be put under, she knew that I would care for her no matter how many arguments we have.
She broke it in Sept. 2011, but because of the 2 infections in the leg they couldn't even do a cast. You see cellulitis can kill you if you cover it, so she wore a leg brace. The leg brace broke and medicare only pays for one every 5 years, so the doctor told me I could use other things or she could go without. She likes the braces we are using now because it gives her a bit of support.
Thanks, I use to think I was more like my dad but I am finding that I have my mother's toughness to fight and survive to go the distance. We even travel with her in a 5th wheel and plan on doing so until she is unable to help us or in a bad way. She actually does much better when we travel. My mom and dad use to love to go on vacation or go camping on weekends. So we try to take her a cruise every year to different ports and take her around the country. She has been able to see all of her siblings even though they do not come see her. My mom was from 12 siblings, with 9 of them still living.
This year we promised to take her out of the cold to Texas for a few months, then we go back to her home, then prepare for this year's cruise to 4 new countries.
Sadly, though it is not just my siblings, but her siblings that will have regrets. I have had my share of battles over the past year or so, but like I said I will fight and I will fight for my mom. I had 2 of her sisters tell a bunch of other family members or anyone that will listen that I should put my mom in a nursing home. In fact one of those aunts has a son that tried to tell me the same thing and I politely put him in his place and he knew not to bring that subject up again. :-) I did have someone tell me that the reason my mom's leg didn't heal was because I traveled with her all the time, but I put them in their place and I just won't deal with them either.
She does real well for a lady with a broken leg, the biggest challenge is the mental state. I have told my siblings and a couple of my mom's, but she doesn't want me to share it with the rest of her siblings. She says whether or not they know will not change their attitudes in coming to see her. She has good moments and that was one of them.
Do you care for your mom still? Sometimes I forget what I read because I work online and read a lot of information. I am fortunate that my education has paid off and afforded me to work from home. Because I have to work and am not at the retiring age for at least another 10+ years.
I just know that I will have a lot of wonderful and fun memories that I am writing down. I also would like to encourage people to focus on the positive memories that you make when caregiving. My mom and I have the funniest stories from the bathroom, I know it sounds weird, but we have had our challenges in some places but also good laughs.
I am sorry this is a bit long, but it is really a different kind of story from most. The broken leg is where we begun and it is quite uncommon.
My brother is a great guy. He is retired because of disability, but he comes down from Oregon whenever he's needed. Now, I have to say that it's not difficult enticing anyone to come here and take over for awhile - we live in a tourist destination, and when people come here they have a guest "casita" they can stay in with their own tv, refrigerator, and bathroom. Our winter temperatures average about 68-75 degrees. So far this winter, my brother has come down for 2 weeks, my daughter for 2 weeks, my niece for 5 days, my brother is coming again on the 6th for another 2 weeks, then my 90 yr. old MIL will be coming for 2 weeks. This is just since Thanksgiving! In the summer it's a different story - even we try to get out of here!!!
It sounds like you have a lot of visitors and that is great for your mom! I am sorry she is sleeping and losing weight, it is tough to watch a parent go downhill. After how my dad passed, I was not expecting this with my mom but I believe God knows what he is doing.
It sounds like you live in the South, I lived in Naples, Florida and summer was not the time to be there.
Sadly, my mom lives in a small town and people just don't come for a visit. Her younger siblings do not travel and of course have their own health issues as well. At first we took mom around to visit everyone, but then I was given some crap about caring for her and not putting her in a home. So we said screw it and we are going to have a good time.
I think my mom has a few siblings that are jealous because their kids won't travel and take them places like we do with my mom. My parents always took us on vacations to all sorts of places. So we figure this is the least we can do and we do not worry about what others think any more, I just put on my direct hat and tell them to mind their own business.
How old is your mom?
Mom was feeling a little better today so we decided to venture out. We'd been wanting to see Les Miserables, so we went to the movies. It's a great movie, but long. I didn't think it would be hard on Mom, since she would be sitting the whole time. Apparently I was wrong. She barely made it out of the theater, and by the time we got home, wouldn't even eat anything, just headed straight for bed.
She has a friend from out of town that is coming to see her tomorrow, and Mom thinks she's going to be well enough for the two of them to go out to lunch. I just don't see how that's going to be possible. Mom just turned 82. She was pretty healthy up until about 4 years ago. Then she really started going downhill. Heck, in 2005, Mom and I went to the Big Island together and hiked to the active flow of the volcano - about 4 miles round trip over uneven terrain. I thought that was pretty good for "two old broads" LOL
I just found my brother may need another back surgery, so it's kind of up in the air if he'll be coming down or not. He's already had 17 back surgeries. He gets his MRI tomorrow. Should know more next week. Poor guy has really been through the wringer.
I really wanted to take my Mom to Catalina. She was born and raised in LA, and never went there! Now she'd never make it. That, I think, will be my biggest regret. That I didn't take Mom to Catalina while she could still go. So tell your siblings where to get off and enjoy those trips!
Eve
Palm Springs is beautiful!! I have been there a few times back in the 90's, when my terroritory was from Sacremento to San Diego. I had the pleasure of driving from Los Angeles to Palm Springs in the summer heat. I was probably the only fool in a convertible with the top down and the air conditioner on.
Sorry the movie was a bit long for your mom. My mom has issues too sometimes with things. If my mom is not engaged, she will go to sleep in her wheelchair. We took her to a beach on the cruise we went on last year to watch the great grandchildren in the water. It was not interesting enough so she fell asleep and woke up with a suntan X on her foot, the only place we forgot sunscreen.
We try to vary mom's activities and keep her interested. Today we just did some shopping, but it got her out in the Sun. She is thrilled about the sun today because where my siblings live it was only about 7 degrees above 0 without the wind chill. So she was very excited about the sun today.
I hope your brother is ok, that is tough for the back surgeries. My husband's mom had a lot of back surgeries.
You should take your mom to Catalina, it might just be the thing to give her a good day. Last May, after our cruise we stopped to visit a friend of mine in Tampa. My friend's mother had a brain tumor that had the same effects as Alzheimer's. So we decided to take our elderly mom's to the zoo. My friend called me for days to say thank you for coming by and getting them out. It was the best day her mom had had in a very long time. In fact, she passed 4 to 6 weeks after that, but it was a good day that her mom even remembered weeks later.
Sometimes the trips we think will be the hardest will be well worth the time. Believe my siblings know that I am a force to be reckoned with, that is probably why we don't get a long so well. You know the truth hurts sometimes. :-)