Dad passed away unexpectedly on February 27, 2013. Sister had been charging them $800 per month to help with their grocery shopping, meds, etc so that was fine with me. I live an hour away, work full time plus own/operate a part time riding stable business. Right after Dad's death, I was able to bring mom and dad's bank account up on-line, saw that she had $7100 plus in there so I left and went back to work (after being there for Dad's arrangements). My sister and brother in law had already gotten mom aside before I could get there and had her move in with them. Sister quit her job the day after dad passed away. Fine - mom always got along with them better, etc. Never expected that I would check on the account on-line and 3 days later they had blown $2,800 on flowers, hair appts, groceries, gas, etc. And 18 days later they had gone through $6700 for the same thing. Took mom to a sports bar - she's never drank in her life. Anyway, mom supposedly has $100,000 in life insurance coming in from Dad's policies, and I've been told by several (including my attorney) that they are probably going to run through that money just as fast, and then bring her to my house. I don't think that's going to happen only for the reason that I think Mom is going to have $2500 per month for the rest of her life. I would like to just wash my hands of it. They are going to arrange for Dad's memorial, and probably won't tell me about it. By the way, I'm the daughter who is successful with an MBA, Certified Management Accountant, etc. Sister barely made it through high school and lied to my parents for 6 weeks telling them that yes, she was going to the art school they paid through the nose for. I worked my way through college. My husband and I did turn them in the Adult Protective Services for misusing her funds. They could end up having to pay back some of that money. My only concern is them running through all her money and then bringing her to my family to care for. I'm sorry after she lets them do that I don't know how concerned I will be. Call me hard-nosed but I don't owe them anything, and my attorney confirmed that. I'm sick of it. I would not have done that with her money and find it totally disgusting but it is her money to do with as they wish. I did check the account this morning and they have slowed way down (had to). To top it all off my mother in law passed away 18 days after my dad. This is on the virge of really causing me and my family (we have an 11 year old daughter who was making straight As in school before this).

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
WOW!!!!! Ok I was very disturbed by the statement that your sister uses Marijuana and she is an EMT. Being an EMT is a respondsible job and pretty sure stressful without having to care for an elderly parent that is blind. However that doesn't rationalize the use of a illegal controlled substance while performing the job of EMT or caring for your mother. You are educated and obviously financially stable. You could go for Guardianship and have your mother stay with you. Also get DPOA. You could get in home care for her and then your mind would be more at ease regarding your mother and her well being. Yes this could take time and require some doing, nothing happens over night. I don't think that your sister taking your mother to a Sport's bar is a bad thing as long as she wasn't getting drunk and then driving her home drunk. These are legitimate concerns and I understand them. If this was my situation I would have already went and got my mother from my sisters house and brought her to live with me. But I'm a lead, follow or get out of my way type of person. As for the nasty comments your sister has made regarding you, just ignore them. I have been taking care of my elderly father who has dementia and heart issues, not only do I have to tolerate the off behavior of my father but the comments of relatives that don't help at all. They are just words and they are in denial. Good luck and do some yoga.

OMG! I just realized that Sister and Mother went to a sports bar! Good heavens! And Mother doesn't even drink. I guess that proves Sister is misusing funds.

I had dinner tonight in a sports bar, and my drink of choice was iced tea. I don't drink alcohol at all but there are several sports bars where I enjoy the food and the casual, friendly atmosphere. What do you suppose that means about me? My son has taken me to a sports bar in his neighborhood several times. Think we should turn him in to the APS? And (dare I admit it on a public forum?) I took my mother to the sports bar I like in my neighborhood! For the record, she had coffee and I had iced tea and she thought the chicken tenders and dipping sauce were awesome.

Your mother was a good mother to you "on many occasions." Did you write them all down, so you know how many round trips (one hour each way) to visit her she's worth? Is that what your college degree taught you? (I can see that it did not teach you to spell daughter, but, hey, nobody knows everything.)

Daughter2 I had written a post to a previous question you had asked yesterday, but I refrained.... as I thought by doing so, I would be too judgmental. I deleted it because, I didn't want to post a comment when I could only view your situation according to a few paragraphs in the question you posted.
Then today I saw this post and I thought... I need to put my two cents in anyway.
I do not get the feeling that you are grateful for your sisters time, energy, expenses, her life being altered, your Mothers well being, or anything concerning the future care needs for your Mom, the fact that your Mom can't live alone (blindness), how expensive it is for 24/7 care, how much a funeral costs, what would happen to your own life or your Mom's if your sister wasn't able to care for her, how much stress your sister has to go through on a daily basis, what the loss of your dad's income means and that there's a need of change in Mom's home life situation.
Like I wrote above I can only respond to your situation from your posts. So forgive me if I am getting the wrong idea.
It is very obvious that you are worried about the money. You mentioned in the other post that you were "able" to bring your Mom to the bank. I was curious about what able meant, in what context? Did you mean.... Mom was able to go out with me.... I'm glad I had the time to spend with my Mom? OR I'm am glad I had time out of my busy schedule to take Mom somewhere she needed to go? OR I finally took the time out of my life to check up on my sister? OR Wow mom can't live alone, what needs to be done to care for her, so I should check on her financial situation with her there?.
You mention nothing about how you've helped your parents or what you have done to chip in, how you feel that your Mom has just lost her husband and needs the family to help.
I get the feeling that because you are well educated and have a smart child and a riding/boarding stable and because you have a two hour round trip, you have a a better life than your sister and you need to go on with yours so now this change is a negative thing for you to deal with. Do you feel that your sister's taking advantage of your Mom by caring for her? What would be the case if you didn't have a sister? Why do you feel that your sister's life is not meeting up to your standards.... and that means what she is doing for your Mom is wrong and sneaky?
It's seems to me that you're making excuses about what "YOU" can't do to help and it seems your sister is doing just what she needs to do.
You wrote in your post... Something tells me Mom is going to end up with us - so be it.
So why don't you take Mom into your home and deal with the entire situation and you can take on the duties of care, it'll all be completely in your control, you'll know where the money is going etc..
Be very careful what you wish for though. It is very expensive, you'll be at the doctor and pharmacy a lot of the time, your Mom's needs will be consuming your every thought and hour, you''ll see your family disappear when you need help, you'll get depressed, not enough time in day, no time for yourself.
No degree on this earth can prepare you for the care giver role.
If I were you I'd open my heart and mind and ask your sister if she's got a plan in mind and if she can write a log of your Mom's expenses.
You may just have the wrong idea about your sister. There is a bundle of people on here that truly care about their parent and their siblings seem to make excuses for not helping , worry about money and think that they could do a better job at a cheaper price.
Do you know at the beginning of the year that medication costs more on some medicare plans, and until the cost reaches a certain point of out of pocket costs it doesn't et cheaper. The first appointment to doctor is more expensive as well until you reach a deductible. You should really look at the facts and not accuse your sister until you get them. Is it possible your sister is trying to take care of your Mom and got a lawyer to help her do so and that's why she made withdrawals. In most cases siblings waist a lot of time and money to protect the parent from siblings that care more about money than a parents care needs.
Have a talk with your sister, help her, don't make anything harder on your mother than it already is for her.
You might be surprised and find out that what you thought was important is not even close to what is really important..... Your Mothers life!!!
Keep this in mind....
"It is nice to be important but it's more important to be nice!"

I already told my sister that once they run through all her money do not contact me. But of course I will be there. She was a good mother to me on many occasions, and/or that's just the way I am. I did call mom last Saturday, and she sounds happy and content so I will back off. To add to everything I found out last summer my sister still smokes pot - I hope not when mom's around but there's no way for me to check on that. I will continue to check on mom as often as I can and/or my health will allow for it. (My blood pressure went up to 162/109 when I saw what they had done). Yes, I am now on more medicine for that. Ugh!

Perhaps it would help protect you if your attorney drafted a letter explaining that you will not be taking responsibility for your mother's care. That she has plenty of money to see her through the rest of her life, and in case they are considering transferring care to you at some point they should know that is not an option. Expressed in lawyerly terms, of course! :)

You can't control what Sister and Mom do. You can control your actions. You've reported Sis for investigation of financial exploitation. If Mom is fine with what is going on, that may or may not result in changes. Not Your Problem. You've turned it over to an impartial party.

You are in control of what you will do in the future. Maybe it is a good idea to make it clear to everyone what that would and would not include. But you are in control of that.

You don't owe them anything.

Detach from this drama and go back to living your life calmly with your husband and daughter.

And please accept my condolences on the death of your father.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter